Monday, May 16, 2011

News*

*disclaimer: this post was meant to be about work but then I got curious about "is there porn news" and now it's kind of not safe for work, or really anywhere else, after about the first two paragraphs. Sorry. There aren't any pictures, it's just very informative about things which are interesting but which maybe you don't want to be informed about, like Fleshlights.

Work carries on swimmingly - I'm still in the no idea what I'm doing phase and live in fear of accidentally newsing a personal email by accident or something equally ridiculous ("Today's top story: OMG he totally likes me!!!1") but am holding my own.

Interesting news fact: I use a program that shows all of the stories which will be on a particular bulletin, and they all have a tag for easy identification (stories about Libya, for example, are usually tagged LIBYA, and stories about netball (eurgh) are often NETTY, and stories about the Budget are tagged I HOPE YOU'VE HAD YOUR COFFEE AS THIS IS NOT EXCITING).

This morning we had back-to-back stories entitled ARSE and BUSHPHOTOS.

Neither of them was about what I thought it was about.

Just a football team and photos by some chap called Bush. Disappointing.

I thought, I bet if I worked on a porn news site there would be proper ARSEBUSHPHOTOS (which, incidentally, I would not want to see*). I bet there would be arsebushphotos 24/7.

And then I thought, is there porn news?

There totally is.

Turns out porn news is pretty interesting. (Our lead business story: second quarter investor confidence dips. Their lead business story: charity bangs available.)

For example, did you know that Fleshlight (don't Google it, I'll tell you in a minute) gave some of their products to the Navy SEAL team who caught Osama bin Laden? "Congratulations on catching the world's most wanted man! Here is something you can put your penis in." They sent them the 'stealth' model, too.

(Another Fleshlight fact - they have a range of signature models which look like individual pornstars. Not the faces of the pornstars. Although actually, maybe the faces of the pornstars? Hold on. Let's go and look. I'm just going to let them explain it. "Each custom-molded Fleshlight Girls masturbation sleeve is an exact mold of each star's most intimate parts." The website has ridiculous images of said pornstars holding said intimate part molds (I haven't stopped giggling for about three sentences now) and I'm aware I'm not exactly the target market but oh man, it is hilarious and not at all sexy. To answer the question, sometimes the mold is of the pornstar's mouth also. You can buy either. Or both! Or all three! One of them has a signature texture called 'Nipple Alley.' I was about to leave the site but oh my God, there is one shaped like a... a vampire mouth? And a blue one called Alien! And stealth ones shaped like beer cans because that's totally not weirder. Man. Sometimes I'm jealous that I don't have a penis just because there are SO MANY things to put it in.**)

Anyway, the top story on Porn I mean Adult Industry News was about a site called NaughtyTweet.com and I know that doesn't sound appealing but if you've read this blog for more than about three posts or in fact the last two paragraphs you will understand my impulse control, lack thereof, and what happened next. It was like when you look up one page on Wikipedia because you can't remember whether or not raccoons are amphibious*** and then three hours later you're still there, reading about transgender tortoises and wondering what you're DOING with your life.

"Wow, Naughty Tweet is weird- oh what's that? Kinky Tweet? Huh. This is not as kinky as I- wait, what is #chickenpurse? I'm scared to find out but I MUST KNOW."

Amazingly, it is a purse that is shaped like a chicken. I assumed it was some modern varient on 'sausagewallet', which is not a wallet that is shaped like a sausage or something you should Google on your work computer or probably ever, and that was the day that I out-dirty-minded Kinky Tweet.

Oh my God.


*this reminds me of a friend who was briefly considering shaving his buttocks but never did "because of two words... bum stubble."

**new line in romantic compliments - "Oh darling, you are so wonderful and exciting, more so even than the blue alien fleshlight!" "Sweetheart, you are more interesting than how many different kind of things there are to put your penis in!" Man, I am the worst girlfriend ever.

***no, but imagine if they were!

8 comments:

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

DO you think that right now the leads will be the same.
"Porn Found at Osama's, or as one newspaper put it "Osama Bin Wanking"

Rach said...

I wonder how many men (or women) I know have fleshlights...

Holly said...

OMG. Thanks to this post I now know far more than I ever wanted to know about porn. Good lord! LOL!

I did like ARSE and BUSHPHOTOS though. I was like "WTF is ARSE about?" Then I realised. Arsenal? Makes sense.

Oh no at Osama Bin Wanking! Too soon..?! :P

chris.dadness said...

Osama - its like the clean underpants/hit by bus scenario. Ditch the porn =before= the navy seals come and shoot you in the face.

slommler said...

Fleshlights huh? Ha!! Now I have heard it all. I was so missing this information in my life!! I mean, seriously!!!!!!
Butt stubble would have me worrying as well.
Hugs
SueAnn

Raz said...

Fleshlights make me feel a bit ill!

I am the same, though, I follow the internet trail wherever it might lead with no concern for my mental wellbeing at all.

Amy said...

Ok. I just recovered from reading this - was laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe. Thank you for being amazing, curious, and hilarious.

Amie said...

I don't understand why everyone gets all 'OMFGGGGG FLESHLIGHTS HEHE EWEEEEWWW SURPRISED FACE'. Seriously? A lot of women use vibrators.. why is it a foreign concept to assume that a lot of guys also use a masturbation device also?