tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-127510122024-03-19T08:43:07.701+13:00today is my birthday!IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.comBlogger743125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-22058341772714940002016-06-14T19:47:00.004+12:002016-06-14T19:50:04.408+12:00Do you hear the people sing?Hello everyone! That title will make sense later.<br />
<br />
This week I cancelled a booty call because there were six beef and blue cheese sausages in the fridge that were on their use by date. Then I ate all 6 sausages in one go and was instantly full of regret (and sausages). Told colleague about this and he said, "At least you got some sausage!" Think I might start working from home. Also think I might stop telling colleagues about my sausage priorities.<br />
<br />
The sausage situation was not helped by the fact that there was also some steak in the fridge that was one day past its use by date so, after checking with HB, <i>I ate that as well</i>.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MMw2nTboZTc/V1ZudI2MMjI/AAAAAAAACd0/-I6F-rTMXvgTswU5dQ8JZhLB3AgvsqaSgCLcB/s1600/DH.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MMw2nTboZTc/V1ZudI2MMjI/AAAAAAAACd0/-I6F-rTMXvgTswU5dQ8JZhLB3AgvsqaSgCLcB/s320/DH.jpg" width="269" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">"do you still talk to your ex?"<br />
"...only if it is about something important"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Speaking of sausages, sort of, did you guys know there is a porn site called vaginasong.com?<br />
<br />
BECAUSE THERE TOTALLY IS<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mTzboHVdVMA/V1-2Gwo0W6I/AAAAAAAACfY/199Rxq4nVhQA9kKs_nx2Y1QoiGrbLejHACLcB/s1600/cens.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="154" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mTzboHVdVMA/V1-2Gwo0W6I/AAAAAAAACfY/199Rxq4nVhQA9kKs_nx2Y1QoiGrbLejHACLcB/s320/cens.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>someBODY once told me the world was gonna roll me</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I have many questions about vaginasong.com, mostly because I didn't visit the site and so can't verify that it isn't just a a group of talented ladies making the Lord's music with the most inappropriate of the instruments the Lord has given them. (You would play it like a wobble board, in case you're wondering).<br />
<br />
(Update: you would not play it like a wobble board. I tried. It did not make any noises worth writing home about.)<br />
<br />
The other thing about vaginasong.com is that given how much money is in the porn industry, at some point there must have been a meeting about naming the site:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HMtNZ3g31Ds/V1-lXYgquHI/AAAAAAAACew/gT0Fhy_Nx3gqW8cmJcP-PXo6Tob5NclpgCLcB/s1600/boardroom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HMtNZ3g31Ds/V1-lXYgquHI/AAAAAAAACew/gT0Fhy_Nx3gqW8cmJcP-PXo6Tob5NclpgCLcB/s320/boardroom.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Neil, what's a fancier word for 'queef'?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
There might even have been market testing carried out!<br />
<br />
"Rupert, the results of the testing are back in, do you have a couple of minutes to go over them?"<br />
"Do we have a frontrunner?"<br />
"Unfortunately our target demographic just isn't responding well to cockwarble.com."<br />
"What if we-"<br />
"I really don't think the slide whistle noise will help."<br />
<br />
There is also the possibility that it isn't meant to be 'vagina song' and is in fact 'vag in a song' and I'm so sorry if you're reading this at work but isn't that a wonderful twist on the classic substitution game -<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2NG6u0r_dqI/V1-m8Bj8jcI/AAAAAAAACe8/JwcsxKpJ0m4rTkDkAszbgZWrr4xi6hkaQCLcB/s1600/weding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2NG6u0r_dqI/V1-m8Bj8jcI/AAAAAAAACe8/JwcsxKpJ0m4rTkDkAszbgZWrr4xi6hkaQCLcB/s320/weding.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who knows what might have happened if it hadn't been for Cotton Vag Joe?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Speaking of things that we all enjoy in private but do not normally tell our friends about, and moving swiftly on from the weird place this post was going, on the way home from work today I was driving behind this local KFC aficionado (who made me feel a lot better about my Burger King consumption last weekend):<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3mQACaGyqVo/V1-f56LWSMI/AAAAAAAACeE/zmIVJqfZvT49KWikZHHWIGajy2AybIdAQCLcB/s1600/kfc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3mQACaGyqVo/V1-f56LWSMI/AAAAAAAACeE/zmIVJqfZvT49KWikZHHWIGajy2AybIdAQCLcB/s320/kfc.jpg" width="314" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">"Dad, why can't we go through the McDonald's drive-through?"<br />
<i>"You know why."</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I would have taken a better photo but I almost rear-ended him as it is, which isn't a good way to make friends with somebody who could hook you up with wicked wings for life.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-03DMWzec-hE/V1-hho0xkPI/AAAAAAAACeU/Ahoz1yCOf1UiRVMfplx9nhL9lwZpUp-KgCLcB/s1600/wings.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-03DMWzec-hE/V1-hho0xkPI/AAAAAAAACeU/Ahoz1yCOf1UiRVMfplx9nhL9lwZpUp-KgCLcB/s200/wings.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">This might be, though.<br />
And it's <a href="https://www.plates.co.nz/search/?legend=WKDWNG" target="_blank">available</a>! For a mere $1049.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I really hope that once a month the owners of KFCs 1-10 meet up to enjoy a big bucket at their local Dirty Bird, parking outside (or perhaps going in convoy through the drive-through) in order of numberplate.<br />
<br />
I also hope that the numberplate you have determines your pecking order (yes pun) in the KFC Illuminati. The more seconds that pass since I came up with the KFC Illuminati, the more sure I am that it exists.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vYESJUtXXBQ/V1-hhUa0IKI/AAAAAAAACeQ/TkLu3thdZyk5UAvtxTAg_YRotZIIhPDggCLcB/s1600/bucket.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="166" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vYESJUtXXBQ/V1-hhUa0IKI/AAAAAAAACeQ/TkLu3thdZyk5UAvtxTAg_YRotZIIhPDggCLcB/s200/bucket.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">FETCH THE POTATO AND GRAVY. HE HAS ARRIVED</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Sorry everyone. This post has been a trainwreck. <br />
<br />
But at least the title makes sense now.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IgmM2X-4OEk/V1-x2PNZpyI/AAAAAAAACfM/0acOljVLgzkA51Fu3xQigqKaYghCn5PFACLcB/s1600/cat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="270" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IgmM2X-4OEk/V1-x2PNZpyI/AAAAAAAACfM/0acOljVLgzkA51Fu3xQigqKaYghCn5PFACLcB/s320/cat.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">IT IS THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE WHO WILL NOT BE SLAVES AGAIN!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-27162065656051030812016-05-04T20:40:00.001+12:002016-05-04T20:47:11.198+12:00Blogrid & the Beach BoysHello everybody! I have no new tinder tales, because I clocked tinder with a pun about a flamingo and now it has nothing more to offer me. This is merely a short post to remind you all that I, like Pearl Jam, am still alive. Enjoy having that song stuck in your head for the next ever. <br />
<br />
Do you know how you can get it out, though?<br />
<br />
<i>Aruba, </i><i>Jamaica, o</i><i>oooh I wanna take ya -</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Eb8oSFJVwsY/Vymvy2GEtWI/AAAAAAAACck/muQRGLwkK204kDtrPmaw9E7oAmYG-7a6wCLcB/s1600/Brian-Wilson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Eb8oSFJVwsY/Vymvy2GEtWI/AAAAAAAACck/muQRGLwkK204kDtrPmaw9E7oAmYG-7a6wCLcB/s400/Brian-Wilson.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shoutout to the guy in the back who doesn't know where the camera is.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Ok now stop being mad at me and read the post. To the rhythm of a steel drum band.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wJwFpwW9ly8/VymwzJt2zJI/AAAAAAAACcs/bXKWg5ST8bcKUilskk787x1dw4AUg8XdgCLcB/s1600/MAC20_BEACH_BOYS01-copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="167" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wJwFpwW9ly8/VymwzJt2zJI/AAAAAAAACcs/bXKWg5ST8bcKUilskk787x1dw4AUg8XdgCLcB/s400/MAC20_BEACH_BOYS01-copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Way down in Kokom- wait is that the same fucking guy with his hand on his hair? Who even let him in here</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Fuck I'm sorry. It just ran away on me. I promise no more Kokomo.<br />
<br />
As a side note, this is not unlike the time I was messaging Button at work and managed to string her along with Dave Dobbyn lyrics for way too long, and then she became angry:<br />
<br />
me: hey Button do you know, I can't remember the last time I thanked you<br />
button: *vaguely confused, but pleased*<br />
me: I think I've been keeping my distance<br />
me: unintentionally<br />
button: *confused, concerned*<br />
me: too close for comfort<br />
me: it just ain't close enough<br />
button: GOD DAMN IT U SHIT<br />
<br />
ANYWAY I've been off the blog grid - which sounds like what you would call the unfortunate-looking female cousin of Hagrid -<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nO648MAlQ-U/VymzmF-BPEI/AAAAAAAACdA/AjTLKb_M93cM3j5nyiak28N6zpei-gzBwCLcB/s1600/blogrid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nO648MAlQ-U/VymzmF-BPEI/AAAAAAAACdA/AjTLKb_M93cM3j5nyiak28N6zpei-gzBwCLcB/s320/blogrid.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Blogrid, yer a... disappointment to this family.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
- mostly because I'm disorganised and unmotivated but also because there have been new projects at work, so I come home and collapse into bed. Or a bottle of wine. Sometimes both. <br />
<br />
The projects mean I have many meetings with important people; you can tell they're important people because they say 'strategic imperatives' more than anyone ever really needs to! So strategic. And yet, so imperative. <br />
<br />
Here's how today's meeting went.<br />
<br />
Colleague: "something something revenue. Disappointed noise."<br />
Me, professionally: "While revenue from the event was-"<br />
<i>internally: don't say 'a fucken banana'</i><br />
Me: *pause*<br />
<i>internally: don't say 'turdy'</i><br />
Me: *pause*<br />
<i>internally: fuck now I've paused for too long</i><br />
Me: "a bit of a banana-"<br />
<i>internally: ahhh fuck me</i><br />
Me: "I mean not where we expected it to be-"<br />
<i>internally: whew</i><br />
Me: "the project delivered on a number of strategic imperatives."<br />
<i>internally: did you hear that! strategic imperatives. look at me go.</i><br />
Colleague: *something about revenue*<br />
<i>internally: i wonder if my kitchen rules is on tonight</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
On the way home I was thinking about the meeting and about how I overcame the odds and didn't say 'fucken banana', and how I'm excellent at all manner of things, then I got my necklace caught on the handbrake getting out of the car.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vXeirF_mhew/VymxW8femBI/AAAAAAAACc0/_Hq3dprtFS8TfDY2_f3qIbMBVdwyF0I_wCLcB/s1600/OTD-December-31---Beach-Boys-jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vXeirF_mhew/VymxW8femBI/AAAAAAAACc0/_Hq3dprtFS8TfDY2_f3qIbMBVdwyF0I_wCLcB/s400/OTD-December-31---Beach-Boys-jpg.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">beach boys can you stop pointing I'm already embarrassed and also trying to parallel park and this isn't helping</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Enough about the Beach Boys, here's the pun about the flamingo.<br />
<br />
<i>Dude's tinder bio: they asked me at the party if I was going to stop playing wonderwall, and I said - maaaaaybe</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Me: They asked you if you would stop playing wonderwall, and you said maybe? They asked me to stop doing my flamingo impression, and that's when I put my foot down.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Dude: Let's get married.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Me: It seems like the logical next step.</i><br />
<br />
And then neither of us ever sent another message, and quite honestly I think that's about as good as Tinder gets.<br />
<br />
Unless, of course, I made my profile picture the Beach Boys.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f8dmxLPV56w/Vym1D9OQR9I/AAAAAAAACdM/MFSFQ0VbfZo1aNuxf_x49mEJLx9bSpDRQCLcB/s1600/Beach_Boys_-_I_Get_Around.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f8dmxLPV56w/Vym1D9OQR9I/AAAAAAAACdM/MFSFQ0VbfZo1aNuxf_x49mEJLx9bSpDRQCLcB/s1600/Beach_Boys_-_I_Get_Around.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aruba. Jamaica. Hey how was ur weekend?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-64890305261403087212016-03-14T20:17:00.002+13:002016-03-14T20:25:14.580+13:00Tinder Tales: Advice for Gentlemen Tinderers<i>Note: if you are averse to the phrase "sea of pussy" then this is not the post for you. </i><br />
<br />
Hello everyone! In a move which will surprise absolutely nobody, I got Tinder. Through this experience I have learnt that over the last 10 years there has been absolutely no improvement in my attention span or taste in men. Present me with five sensible, good-looking businessmen and I will still swipe right on the naked dude on a jet ski because <i>of course I will.</i><br />
<br />
As a result of my tinder adventures, here are some tips that I have put together for men who are considering tindering. There are so many appalling profiles out there that I am considering this a public service. A scathing, judgmental public service.<br />
<br />
Also, there is one tip for the ladies: if a gentleman has has his snapchat in his tinder profile he is not, in fact, a gentleman.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I gather that women don't often send the first message on tinder, and this has given rise to a subgroup of men who end their profile with, "I won't send the first message" or - direct quote - "I like a strong women so I won't message first." Oh well this is good to know because I like a polite man, so won't message at all!<br /><br />I usually read "I won't send the first message" as "...because I am simply too busy drowning in this <i>massive sea of pussy,"</i> written while rapidly casting about for enough liquid-state pussy to fill a small wine glass.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B-O0G9kM17g/VuZcr4Rc1II/AAAAAAAACbQ/JpHWfWtjetoBatINv1xoOkrRrTpW_xMYw/s1600/corcle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B-O0G9kM17g/VuZcr4Rc1II/AAAAAAAACbQ/JpHWfWtjetoBatINv1xoOkrRrTpW_xMYw/s320/corcle.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Rupert rowed his knob-canoe across the undulating waves of the great Sea of Pussy.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Side note: why is it 'a sea of pussy'? You don't say 'a forest of cocks', although I am certainly going to now. "How is dating going?" "LOST IN A FOREST OF COCKS."<br /><br />Also if we're going to be saying 'a sea of pussy', why haven't we tacked it onto other phrases, like, for example, "there's plenty more fish in the sea (of pussy)"?<br /><br />It even translates across to classical literature, like The Old Man and the Sea (of Pussy) and of course the lyrics of America The Beautiful. From sea to shining sea! Of pussy.<br /><br />Wow, that went off topic fast. Anyway. Back to tinder tips. Just the tips! Of the forest of cocks. Help me I'm stuck in a loop.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JnJ3afn5eaA/VuZclTAQQtI/AAAAAAAACbM/M1aODZIgC3AMPN6XpILpd1Ud3mBOm-FJg/s1600/forest.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JnJ3afn5eaA/VuZclTAQQtI/AAAAAAAACbM/M1aODZIgC3AMPN6XpILpd1Ud3mBOm-FJg/s320/forest.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stop imagining the tips.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Do not make your profile photo a picture of you and a monkey that looks like you.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li>Also do not make it a photo of you looking staunch beside a monkey which is touching its balls. (His balls.) You think I'm kidding. I am not kidding. Somewhere out there are two men who, when looking through all the photos of them ever taken and choosing the one they would use to represent them in a romantic context, got to the monkey photo and went, "Of course! <i>That</i> one."</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li>PICTURES OF FISH. Jesus fucking Christ I have seen enough pictures of men holding fish to last me a lifetime. (Pro tip for the ladies with a fish fetish: get on Tinder.) It is delightful that at some point in your life you have hunter gathered but that is not what ladies look at tinder profiles for; please allow me to demonstrate my thought process when swiping through photos.<br /><br />"He's cute." *swipe*<br />"Oh actually he's <i>really</i> cute" *swipe*<br />"I would totally make out with him" *swipe*<br />"EWWW DEAD FISH"<br /><br />Nothing kills daydreaming about a total stranger faster than a picture of the total stranger brandishing a surprise bleeding kahawai. Granted there must be some women who are all about the fishing, but it's a niche market. I pick up spiders in a glass and put them outside, and I'm sure some men would find this charming, but I don't have a picture of it on my tinder.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li>On a similar note, if you have a photo of your car in your tinder, make sure it is a nice car. Few women have swooned over an early 90s Lancer. <i>My mother drives one of those. </i>If it's a car that you can imagine my mother driving, it is not what one would term a 'pussy wagon'.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UgEg8jbH40M/VuZekpuEqVI/AAAAAAAACbc/FPJosewueiwBpg3NgrmklEKFbnYxZxdxg/s1600/city1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="165" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UgEg8jbH40M/VuZekpuEqVI/AAAAAAAACbc/FPJosewueiwBpg3NgrmklEKFbnYxZxdxg/s320/city1.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">we build this City on hope and stupidity</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Also a note to the ladies that if someone has a <i>really</i> nicely done up WRX, this is not a good reason to swipe right, particularly if they are 19 and their bio is "6 foot 6 inches... those are two separate measurements ;) "<br /><br />Actually that's mostly just a note to me.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-253CJXDJtJI/VuZfXdcL2WI/AAAAAAAACbo/Y8GjksiX_q8tov-I6103RPfvIUPOfYMgQ/s1600/wrx.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-253CJXDJtJI/VuZfXdcL2WI/AAAAAAAACbo/Y8GjksiX_q8tov-I6103RPfvIUPOfYMgQ/s320/wrx.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">help his name is dwayne but i can't stop swiping</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Don't say tinderella. Even if you are<i> </i>cuter than your WRX is.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li>Don't say 'tinderfella looking for his tinderella'. It does not improve 'tinderella' one bit. Maybe just leave out all permutations of 'tinderella'.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li>If there is a child in one of your photos, explain the child. Is this your child? That's cool. Is it a delightful nephew? That's cool too. Is it a random kid you've appropriated specifically to display your extreme sensitivity and ok-ness with children? That's also kind of cool, I guess.<br /><br />What is not cool is making me guess which one it is.<br /><br />I say this as someone who has sent a message saying "is that a child you stole for a tinder photo," and it wasn't, it was in fact a child he had made himself, and things went downhill from there. (Side note: the other day at work colleague said, "It's all uphill from here!" with a cheerful smile on his face, and I wanted to take him aside and explain that <i>that is not how that phrase works. </i>Unless you are a mountaineer. Or a landscape architect who specialises in you know what fuck it.)<br /><br /><i>And here I terrified myself searching for 'hill scary children', and so we will have a picture of a puppy.</i></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JYdCUr2CgD4/VuZg8C-w3HI/AAAAAAAACb8/AsIrN2mkpRUNDSoLYmzQ0c2Ih7KvSkTfw/s1600/puppt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JYdCUr2CgD4/VuZg8C-w3HI/AAAAAAAACb8/AsIrN2mkpRUNDSoLYmzQ0c2Ih7KvSkTfw/s320/puppt.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I googled 'best puppy', and I was not let down. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<ul>
<li>Speaking of colleagues - if it would make a good linkedin profile, it does not make a good tinder profile. If you wish to fuck people in a professional setting then <i>just go on linkedin</i> or maybe try staying half an hour later at Friday drinks.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li>This is a serious one - don't say demeaning things about ladies in your tinder bio. There are a whole heap of profiles with things like " not in it for fake girl shit" or "you have a brain know how to use it" or "over fake bitches".<br /><br />This is the equivalent of Coke running an ad campaign that just says, "Like soda? You're probably pretty fucking stupid!" and then wondering why they are not drowning in a sea of... revenue.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OIUJQdPxxiE/VuZh_9C7awI/AAAAAAAACcM/AMG36Ehp_OA5SPafFZ7aPs2j_kahcw0aA/s1600/sea2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OIUJQdPxxiE/VuZh_9C7awI/AAAAAAAACcM/AMG36Ehp_OA5SPafFZ7aPs2j_kahcw0aA/s400/sea2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just turn left after the FOREST OF COCKS!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div>
<br />
Next time on Tinder Tales: I have no idea. We'll just have to wait and see.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Of pussy.</span></i></div>
</div>
</div>
IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-74788438298138599202016-01-25T20:54:00.000+13:002016-02-05T17:31:43.261+13:00The Giant ArmHello everyone. Happy New Year. Nothing to report except that it's really hot. <br />
<i>Note: this changes later in the post when I remembered that I did have things to report.</i><br />
<br />
It's stick your head in the fridge and get jealous of the slightly freezer-burnt pork ribs hot. The kind of humid sticky hot where you're super glad to be single because quite honestly even thinking about sex is exhausting and kind of sweaty by inference and if Channing Tatum showed up in the next five minutes and said "well do you fancy it?" you'd say No Thank You Channing But Did You Bring Any Cold Beers. <br />
<br />
Anyway since September you have missed nothing except that it is really hot and also I grew more hair.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-d6SrlQoYUVM/VqW7gYdL5KI/AAAAAAAACaI/atJDz_l-lR0/s1600/IMG_0555.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="i found alt text points for spotting it" border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-d6SrlQoYUVM/VqW7gYdL5KI/AAAAAAAACaI/atJDz_l-lR0/s320/IMG_0555.JPG" title="" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I got Instagram. This is my life now. Let me filter you.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
And we moved into a new building at work! <br />
<br />
The new building combines our print, radio and digital arms into... one giant arm, I guess. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JeoGcX0hUS4/VqXB2V2oSqI/AAAAAAAACaY/A_QfANiTvrk/s1600/therock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JeoGcX0hUS4/VqXB2V2oSqI/AAAAAAAACaY/A_QfANiTvrk/s1600/therock.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dwayne "The Corporate Strategy" Johnson.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Here are some things the new building has: it is state of the art! The art of building buildings.<br />
<br />
<b>1. Fancy Lifts</b><br />
<br />
The lifts in our new building are so fancy that they have heated handrails. Or perhaps just handrails that are lit from the bottom - for all your late-night lift adventures when you can't be bothered to turn on the automatic lift lights - that have the side effect of warming the entire lift to the perfect temperature for a cup of herbal tea. I'm sure this will be delightful in winter. <br />
<br />
<i>Lift planning meeting begins</i><br />
"Do you know what would make an uncomfortably small, unventilated box full of people even better?"<br />
"What, Rupert? What??"<br />
"HEAT!" <br />
<i>Lift planners applaud; meeting is closed.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
One of the lifts also used to have Lift Lady, who was a disembodied voice or potentially a visitor from the spirit realm who would say, "Level One. Doors closing." <i>Pause. </i>"Ground floor. Doors opening" in an unsettlingly pleasant and even tone. <br />
<br />
<i>Lift Lady: </i>"Basement One. Doors closing." <i> Pause. </i><br />
<i>Lift Lady, pleasantly - </i>"Doors closing forever. Lift on fire." <br />
<br />
Lift Lady disappeared after two weeks. Presumably there was an exorcism.<br />
<br />
<b>2. Swipe-activated printers</b><br />
<br />
In the Sleeve (this is what I am now calling the new building which houses the Giant Arm) if you wish to use the printer you must first ask your computer to print the thing, then go over to the printer and swipe your access card. I don't know why this is. I genuinely don't. You can still print ridiculous amounts of nothing important (I am the current owner of a 67-page compliance report that I didn't realise was 67 pages when I started printing it), and surely in today's day and age you could look in the printer logs and trace the 10 buttcheek photocopies straight back to Rupert's machine.<br />
<br />
Is it because people are worried about other people seeing their secret printing? How much secret printing are we all doing? Does anyone actually secret print anything that isn't their CV? Why would you even need to print your CV anyway? Wouldn't you just email it? What happened to 'hit print, immediately rise from your chair and walk very briskly to the printer without getting waylaid by another department'? This printer has taken all the fun out of printing.<br />
<br />
- <i>here there is a brief hiatus where I fish a small bug out of my drink. Button once alerted me to a bug in my drink, right as I began to sip it, and I said "Button, I think he's already gone" but it turns out her concern was more hygiene-based. Thank you Button. -</i><br />
<br />
<b>3. New Colleagues</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
There are many new colleagues in The Sleeve and I made an excellent graph about them but then remembered that many of these colleagues know about this blog. Everyone is wonderful and certainly not worthy of a scathing Venn diagram.<br />
<br />
Have this one instead. It is my most-used graph in the office.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TApg4XOUaAk/VqXSt2oLZuI/AAAAAAAACao/sO8Y6HW9_lE/s1600/do%2Byour%2Bwork.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="340" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TApg4XOUaAk/VqXSt2oLZuI/AAAAAAAACao/sO8Y6HW9_lE/s400/do%2Byour%2Bwork.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> I tried to make a graph about revenue once but it turned into a lunch break.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<b>4. A No-Clutter Environment policy</b><br />
<br />
I can't remember why we have this, but we do. The idea is that you don't have any clutter on your desk, which has highlighted that my definition of clutter is quite different to the Giant Arm's definition.<br />
<b><br /></b>
"What's this?"<br />
"That's a file rack for compliance documentation that we legally have to hold for seven years."<br />
"Ok. What are these?"<br />
"Those are sales awards."<br />
"What about these?"<br />
"Those are my grandfather's cufflinks, which I like to have on my desk."<br />
"Ok, what's this?"<br />
"That's perfume in case I have to go to a meeting."<br />
"And this?"<br />
"That's backup perfume in case I have to go to an important meeting where it's not appropriate for me to smell like Selena Gomez."<br />
"...and this?"<br />
"That's a small wicker duck full of candy."<br />
"...and th-"<br />
"THAT'S A PILE OF CANDY WRAPPERS NO MORE QUESTIONS"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>This post with thanks to Danny for reminding me that blogging is a thing I like to do!</i><br />
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-79274087230568123522015-09-29T20:58:00.000+13:002015-09-29T21:05:10.185+13:00In Which the Author makes an Error of JudgmentHello it's me! I hadn't blogged in AGES and I thought I probably should, because what if I die suddenly and my legacy is that terrible pilot rap? That is not how I want the world to remember me, although if there was a massive group rap at my funeral I would be ok with that. <br />
<br />
Wait, no I wouldn't, it would distract from the fireworks.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qLIO0WHly58/Vgoq_v47AgI/AAAAAAAACYE/GSt2FIYtC3Q/s1600/fireworks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qLIO0WHly58/Vgoq_v47AgI/AAAAAAAACYE/GSt2FIYtC3Q/s320/fireworks.jpg" width="287" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sorry, future children. Better luck with your dad's life insurance.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Anyway it is Healthy Living Month around here at the moment because, while I am generally pretty good at being a grown-up and doin' grown-up shit like 'paying bills' and 'getting car serviced' and 'consistently forgetting to put the rubbish out', left to my own devices there is a distinct tendency for me to go a little bit Henry VIII.<br />
<br />
And then before you know it the floor is covered in chicken bones and you have soup on your bathrobe and you are drinking a self-invented cocktail called the Garlic Wallbanger because you did not go to the supermarket and thought it would be sensible to use up the garlic, but it wasn't, and also you still haven't put the rubbish out.<br />
<br />
Side note: last week one of my neighbours decided on the spur of the moment that it was recycling day, and the whole street followed suit and put their cardboard and bottles out by the side of the road, only to sadly trundle them back inside again that evening because actually it wasn't recycling day after all. I love it when this happens. I wonder if anyone ever does it on purpose? I also wonder if next week is recycling week. I might just put my recycling out and see what hap- WAIT I GET IT NOW.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xq6Mc_kDQGQ/Vgos0B4exJI/AAAAAAAACYY/PZd9P1KUTqs/s1600/screen_shot_2014-10-03_at_9.53.33_am_1200x1200.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="221" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xq6Mc_kDQGQ/Vgos0B4exJI/AAAAAAAACYY/PZd9P1KUTqs/s320/screen_shot_2014-10-03_at_9.53.33_am_1200x1200.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">why, what does YOUR council's <a href="http://www.aucklandcouncil.govt.nz/EN/environmentwaste/rubbishrecycling/Pages/home.aspx" target="_blank">recycling campaign</a> look like?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Anyway while I have not yet gone full Henry and (thankfully) the Garlic Wallbanger remains a figment of the imagination, I did decide to be more Good in General. Which in reality means going to the gym slightly more and attempting to have dinners which aren't just a compilation of snacks. This is going pretty well, but quite honestly now that I've compared myself to Henry VIII I'm bored with talking about it - I suspect you are relieved by this.<br />
<br />
In other news, Button and I got fluoro lipsticks today; you may be asking "How fluoro can a lipstick really <i>be</i>," which was also my question right after I'd invested my $9 plus shipping, but it turns out the answer is <i>very</i>, and also the answer is <i>where do I buy more.</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tKdJUvT8bwg/Vgo8TvnnhUI/AAAAAAAACYs/Zjl6Cn25Qdw/s1600/lipstick2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tKdJUvT8bwg/Vgo8TvnnhUI/AAAAAAAACYs/Zjl6Cn25Qdw/s320/lipstick2.jpg" width="273" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">you will most certainly have no trouble finding me in da club</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Anyway, I've run out of news but here is the recipe for the imaginary Garlic Wallbanger.<br />
<br />
<b>1 part gin</b>, or whatever alcohol you happen to have. "part" means "amount sloshed into glass where you go 'huh that looks about right' and then tip in some more to be sure that the cocktail will in fact work.<br />
<b>1 clove garlic</b>, or two if you're feeling adventurous<br />
<b>fizzy water</b>, if you do not have fizzy water then get regular water and blow some bubbles in it with a straw. be the soda stream you want to see in the world!<br />
<b>maybe... cayenne pepper? </b>or an unsuitable spice of your choosing<br />
<b>something to garnish</b> - mint and cherries and lemon wedges are traditional but this cocktail deserves something more. garnish with star anise and charred Marmite or something. you char it in the toaster. I'm beginning to suspect you haven't done this before.<br />
<br />
Instructions:<br />
<br />
Put the gin into a glass. Small glass means less gin, but large glass means more cocktail. Your call. Please don't put this in one of those fancy-ass dacquiri glasses, you will only be ashamed of yourself.<br />
Wait, no! Step one isn't putting in the gin. Sorry. Maybe just drink that gin so the glass is empty again.<br />
Put the garlic into a glass. Muddle it with your professional bar muddler, or a spoon, or the holding-onto end of a spatula if it's washing up day. Muddle means smash it about. Did you take the skin off first? I hope you took the skin off first.<br />
Once the garlic is mashed about and all up the walls of the glass, add the gin. At this point, you should be beginning to question your decision to make this cocktail.<br />
Put some ice in, if you have ice. If you don't have ice, I hope you have been keeping that gin in the freezer, because warmth doesn't really help the um, the garlic ambience.<br />
Add the cayenne pepper. Holy shit not that much. Take some back out. Oh dear, you can't, it's all floating in the gin. Add some more gin to make up for all the pepper. Muddle the garlic again for good measure.<br />
Add fizzy water until the glass is full. Stir.<br />
Garnish with star anise and charred Marmite. <br />
Pour down sink.<br />
<br />
UPDATE: after writing down the instructions to the Garlic Wallbanger I thought it was only fair that I make it and let you know how it goes. I have made it, and now I am afraid to drink it.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HoMCABKZpzM/Vgo_NS2bmVI/AAAAAAAACY8/YFwOfZa6xZY/s1600/photo%2B1%2B%25281%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HoMCABKZpzM/Vgo_NS2bmVI/AAAAAAAACY8/YFwOfZa6xZY/s320/photo%2B1%2B%25281%2529.JPG" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">if you like pina coladas / you're about to get a horrible surprise</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
ANOTHER UPDATE: I have just taken my first sip and fuck I wish I had been out of cayenne pepper today. <br />
<br />
REVIEW: At first sip it's vaguely savoury and refreshing and the cayenne pepper tingles lightly on the tongue and you go "Oh maybe this won't be so bad" and then HELLO, GARLIC AND GIN, and then there is a gentle aftertaste of cayenne and then there is a fucking massive aftertaste of garlic and then the cayenne comes back with a vengeance and <i>oh my God, people, never ever make this.</i><br />
<br />
I was about to say it wouldn't be that bad if it wasn't for all the cayenne but quite honestly it would. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm going to have another sip and see if it gets better.<br />
<br />
UPDATE: IT DOES NOT GET BETTER<br />
<br />
I HAD A THIRD SIP JUST IN CASE AND IT GOT WORSE AGAIN<br />
<br />
I HAVE THROWN IT DOWN THE SINK<br />
<br />
GOODNIGHT<br />
<br />
<i>(In the interests of honesty - I did not char the Marmite, but I very much doubt that it would have helped.)</i><br />
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-2609344215318274392015-09-01T21:12:00.001+12:002015-09-01T21:25:56.816+12:00Being A Pilot, and Other Good Ideas**<i>another good idea: if you call a meeting, you are allowed to set the Meeting Soundtrack, which is any song of your choice. I do not wish to host any more meetings in which I am not allowed to play 'Funkytown'. I will sing along, to engage the meeting participants: "Well we talk about it, talk about it, talk about... revenue!</i><i> *finger guns*</i><i>" and because you called the meeting, nobody is allowed to leave. Team, if you are reading this, tomorrow morning's meeting is <b>on.</b></i><br />
<br />
Today during a particularly trying 15 minutes at work, somewhere between trying the sugarfree RedBull and copy checking the deal for pyjama jeans*, it occurred to me that perhaps I could quit my job and re-train as a pilot.<br />
<br />
I have many of the required attributes, like enjoying money and looking good in uniform and saying things like "Cabin crew, prepare the cabin for departure" and "We've now reached our cruising altitude" and "Gentlemen, please! Form an orderly line." <br />
<br />
Also I am completely rubbish at parallel parking and I don't think I've ever seen anyone have to parallel park a plane. Nobody tell the pilot training people about the time that I scraped the car on the fence because the car is big and it was dark. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xFbaH1IvwuI/VeVW3saKhiI/AAAAAAAACXQ/A6sKgPNyjIA/s1600/plane1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xFbaH1IvwuI/VeVW3saKhiI/AAAAAAAACXQ/A6sKgPNyjIA/s320/plane1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">look I'm sorry about the control tower but normally I drive an A380.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I would probably have to get out of the habit of saying "Ooh!" loudly whenever I make a mistake.<br />
<br />
So after work I was still working, but in a relaxed and peaceful manner instead of a panicked, deadline-driven manner, and I saw this and the being-a-pilot thoughts <i>intensified:</i><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_oSLUDeyFW0/VeVX1G0RR-I/AAAAAAAACXY/ioSbPP9acFA/s1600/plane3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="162" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_oSLUDeyFW0/VeVX1G0RR-I/AAAAAAAACXY/ioSbPP9acFA/s640/plane3.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
Here are some of the things I would do, if I were a pilot:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Fill the in-flight update with puns: "This is your captain speaking, the weather looks fine all the way to Auckland, we advise you not to try the cassava crisps because, like your current mode of transport,<i> they're a little plain</i>."</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Break off mid-update to say "...wow, is that a balloon?" and make everyone in the plane look out the window at once</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Throughout the in-flight update, refer to the plane by name. The name will be something humble yet majestic, like Barnaby or Brucetifer.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Rap the in-flight update. I wrote an example line and then got carried away and wrote an example rap and the moral of the story is that I think my copilot will have to write the rap updates (rapdates? sounds like a date with a raptor, or maybe a speed dating event where you are only allowed to speak in verse and incidentally that idea is now my intellectual property so put the phone <i>down</i>) because fuck I am a bad, bad rapper. </li>
</ul>
<br />
But anyway, here is the example rap (rapxample?)<br />
<br />
Pilot (me):<br />
<br />
This is your cruising altitude of 30,000 feet<br />
Most of you are waiting for a biscuit you can eat<br />
If you're in a window seat then you can sneak a window peek<br />
There is turbulence ahead, it was worse last week<br />
<br />
This is your captain speaking<br />
This is how your captain speak<br />
<br />
<i>Copilot, in falsetto: </i><br />
<i>this is how your captain do</i><br />
<i>this is your lovely cabin crew</i><br />
<i>this is NZ2300, straight outta Timaru**</i><br />
<br />
Pilot (me again):<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We on final approach and the weather is fine </div>
<div>
We be on the tarmac by the hour of nine</div>
<div>
'cause we refined our flight time by divine design</div>
<div>
to coincide with the arrival of the other airline </div>
<div>
now stop!</div>
<div>
we switching on the seatbelt sign</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>Copilot repeats chorus</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
Pilot (still me):</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
put on your own mask before helping others<br />
now relax and enjoy your flight, motherfuckers.<br />
<br />
- - -<br />
<br />
I really don't have anything to follow that. See you all at flight school.<br />
<br />
<br />
*<i>tagline: Pajamas you live in. Je<span style="font-family: inherit;">ans you sleep in<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">™. I'm glad they trademarked it because I can imagine that appearing on a whole lot of other products. </span></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span></i><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">**please note that this is the actual flight number for Air NZ flights departing Timaru. I am taking this pilot shit <b>seriously.</b></span></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span></i>IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-5760498585638521812015-08-31T21:56:00.000+12:002015-08-31T22:08:12.410+12:00To Choose Your Own Adventure, turn to page 72Hello everyone!<br />
<br />
I just opened a cider and took a biggish swig and the cider was a LOT fizzier than I was expecting, and it went out of control in my mouth and I went "BWOOOSH!"like a small surprised fountain and now there is cider all over the lounge.<br />
<br />
In more impressive news, last week I wrote a short 'Choose Your Own Adventure' book and it was immense fun. I wrote it for Button, so it's very in-joke heavy and you would be unlikely to enjoy it, but to decant some honey turn to page 48. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Gu2LEnyJruE/VeQe5SZtSAI/AAAAAAAACWw/i0Ze5XpjVsg/s1600/photo%2B3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="color: black;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Gu2LEnyJruE/VeQe5SZtSAI/AAAAAAAACWw/i0Ze5XpjVsg/s320/photo%2B3.JPG" width="239" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">spoiler alert: you do not save Poley by decanting honey</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
To make the plot I eviscerated a notebook and wrote a Thing That Happens on each page and arranged the pages all over the floor of the living room.<br />
<br />
I thought I might write another one. Perhaps it will be a mystery, perhaps it will be a romance, perhaps it will be about pirates, perhaps it will be a <i>pirate romance mystery</i> where you are Detective Inspector Cannonball, stowed away on board the - boat names are surprisingly hard - the Terror of the Seas in order to solve the Case of the Disappearing Viking Heiress, but then you are forced to choose between the call of duty and the call of <i>booty. </i><br />
Pirate booty. But also sexy booty, because of <i>course</i> there will be sexy booty. To climb the mast, turn to page 21. To 'climb the mast', turn to page 48. Surprise! There is Poley, decanting honey.<br />
<br />
If you would like to read the choose your own adventure book when it's done, let me know in the comments and I will post you a copy. <br />
<br />
This week I found an old USB that has the contents of my previous computer in it. Highlights <span style="font-family: inherit;">include: </span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">a melodramatic and mercifully short horror story about being trapped in an inhumane torture compound where the inmates are thrown into sacks and skinned, but then in the end it turns out that the story is from the point of view of potatoes</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">a melodramatic and mercifully short horror story about a submariner who wakes up to find the submarine deserted and explores it with a Growing Sense of Dread, but then in the end it turns out that the entire crew had hidden to throw him a surprise party (the last sentence is 'Petty Officer Wallace had forgotten that it was his birthday')</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">A folder of notes made, presumably, when I was working at the Press. Notes include, "</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">NO MORE BAND! ENOUGH BAND FOR TODAY!" and </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">"I just sat on my headset."</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />IMAGINE. Other people are writing the Great American Novel, and I am writing things like </span><i style="font-family: inherit;">that.</i><br />
<br />
<i>p.s. today after a meeting I was having a Work Conversation about some new site functionality and I asked if we could still have badge redirects to different parts of site, and the developer said, "You can add them wherever you like! You could have a link at top of page telling everyone to go to 'Ally's Blog!'" and MAN sometimes I forget that the me that writes the ridiculous blog is also the me that has the serious meetings and does the professional things. Hopefully everyone at work also forgets this. Work if you are reading this maybe you should read <a href="http://terriblyexciting.blogspot.co.nz/2011/04/pokemental.html" target="_blank">this post</a> about the top 50 most ridiculous Pokemon names and leave me in peace to action my workflow.</i><br />
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-13041572763653231482015-08-11T21:51:00.000+12:002015-08-11T21:52:32.729+12:00New Zealand Flag IdolAt the moment, we as a country are having a referendum to decide if we would like a new flag! I don't know why I put that exclamation mark, it isn't particularly exciting. Which is also a fair description of our current flag.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--9P1Dc3Apk4/VcmwYhjdC9I/AAAAAAAACVY/V3OUObv7z8w/s1600/flag1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="160" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--9P1Dc3Apk4/VcmwYhjdC9I/AAAAAAAACVY/V3OUObv7z8w/s320/flag1.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">pictured: flags who know how Pluto feels</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The Prime Minister says we need a flag that <span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px;">“better reflect[s] our status as a modern, independent nation” and which is more representative of NZ's multicultural makeup than old Little Britain up there. This is a fair point.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The third reason, which is definitely not even slightly the main reason, is that it would be nice to have a flag which doesn't look quite so much like Australia's.</span></span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZF-OcdWpDGI/Vcmwa939k_I/AAAAAAAACVo/YMDnNdcbQyQ/s1600/flag2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="160" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZF-OcdWpDGI/Vcmwa939k_I/AAAAAAAACVo/YMDnNdcbQyQ/s320/flag2.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">shut up with your extra star. nobody likes you.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Before one can have a new flag, one must have a Flag Consideration Process. This is less interesting than it sounds, which is impressive. It's also remarkably similar to a TV talent show, except much more expensive. Did you know the FCP will cost us $25.7 million? That's a lot of Le Snaks.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rRL4CSikrxM/Vcm79jEDYhI/AAAAAAAACWY/w9MS71msBDE/s1600/parl3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rRL4CSikrxM/Vcm79jEDYhI/AAAAAAAACWY/w9MS71msBDE/s320/parl3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"What about the 260,000 NZ children who are living in poverty?"<br />
"Don't worry, they will<i> <b>love</b> </i>the new flag."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Note that that is probably not a real quote.<br />
<br />
Here are the steps on the road to becoming NZ Flag Idol:<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Part 1: The Auditions </b><br />
Anyone can make a submission for the new flag design. We have done this part! Over 10,000 designs were submitted and 90% of them did not make it through to the next round. Their NZ's Next Top Flag dream ends here.<br />
<br />
Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the Susan Boyle:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t1U7jY19Ttg/VcmwbNuj9SI/AAAAAAAACVk/UZB22ZF__Vg/s1600/flag3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t1U7jY19Ttg/VcmwbNuj9SI/AAAAAAAACVk/UZB22ZF__Vg/s320/flag3.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I believe my design is so powerful it does not need to be discussed." - designer</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
That one <i>is</i> a real quote.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>2: Boot Camp</b><br />
A panel of Prominent New Zealanders cut down the designs from over 10,000 to a more modest 40. The designs which are not selected are no longer part of Project Flagway. Auf wiedersehen. Air kiss.<br />
<br />
This is just happened, <a href="https://www.govt.nz/browse/engaging-with-government/the-nz-flag-your-chance-to-decide/gallery/" target="_blank">here are your top 40</a>:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-39xP6RroGOw/Vcmwbyj9a-I/AAAAAAAACVw/7o-Q1GdXMIo/s1600/flag5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-39xP6RroGOw/Vcmwbyj9a-I/AAAAAAAACVw/7o-Q1GdXMIo/s320/flag5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Kiwi with laser eyes, your Flag Consideration Process journey ends here."<br />
*crowd boos*</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
(Note that many of the final 40 are predominantly black, allowing NZ to join the hallowed ranks of other black-flag-users including anarchists, pirates, and ISIS.)<br />
<br />
<b>3. The Live Rounds:</b><br />
Next, your Flag Factor judges whittle down the 40 to a more modest 4. They haven't done this yet, but I am very excited to see what they choose. By now, we the people are expected to have our favourites and follow their emotional journey from being a tiny flagling to appearing in front of a live audience for the first time! Txt to vote. Votes cost 50c. <br />
<br />
Note: we do not actually get to vote at this point.<br />
<br />
<b>4. The Semi-Final:</b><br />
We the public are asked to vote: if there was to be a new NZ's Next Top Flag, which one of the four semi-finalists would you choose? This then gives us the Preferred Alternative Flag.<br />
<br />
I <i>really</i> hope that this is where they unveil the Wildcard Entry, and this is what it is:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-847pHcbKnkI/VcmwaxUZGmI/AAAAAAAACVg/JjDORuV_aac/s1600/flag4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-847pHcbKnkI/VcmwaxUZGmI/AAAAAAAACVg/JjDORuV_aac/s320/flag4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>fuck yes</b>, new zealand</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><br /></b>
<b>5. The Final:</b><br />
We the public are asked to vote: Would you like the Preferred Alternative Flag, or would you like The Flag We Have Already Got? Voting lines are closed, the votes are tallied, and the triumphant flag makes a humble acceptance speech while hugging the losing flag, who is trying desparately not to cry. An emotional video plays. <br />
We remain excited about NZ's Next Top Flag for approximately ten minutes and then go back to wondering when MasterChef starts up again.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Footnote: it seems to me like the final question of "would you like a new flag" would have been a logical thing to ask at the beginning of this process, but then I am not a Government.</i><br />
<br />
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-52156098829754579702015-08-03T20:57:00.002+12:002015-08-03T20:58:54.837+12:00Roger's Tyres 'n' Tacos<i>I felt like this post was a bit, well, sweary so I went back through the blog Ctrl-F'ing The Ctrl+F Word and I haven't said fuck this many times in one post since March, 2011. I hope you are as proud of me as I am. Also in reading back over this I can't decide if it gets better as it goes along, or decidedly worse. Either way, I am not sorry. </i><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Hello everyone! <br />
<br />
In the interests of full disclosure, I am writing this blog because I really should have gone to the gym after work but I couldn't find my iPod or motivation, so I've justified not going to the gym by saying "...I may not be exercising my body, but that is ok because I am <i>exercising my mind</i>" and so really this blog is for the benefit of my conscience and not for your reading pleasure. Although that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it.<br />
<br />
I wrote a song on the drive home from work today. It is called "Fuck you, you fuckwit, you're in a fucking merge lane" and is based on my emotional journey, and also on my physical journey. It will join "Do They Know It's a Roundabout At All?" and "Would it Kill You to Indicate (You Absolute Prick)"* in my forthcoming album. I am like the Taylor Swift of displeasing driving incidents. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BWyYLDgdMCg/Vb8aYWJslBI/AAAAAAAACS8/OBUQHj0mCo0/s1600/blog1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BWyYLDgdMCg/Vb8aYWJslBI/AAAAAAAACS8/OBUQHj0mCo0/s320/blog1.jpg" width="282" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">got a long list of ex-lovers / they'll tell you that's my lane</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Speaking of songs, that "Some Nights" song came on in the car and while I did not listen to it in its entirety, partly because it's crap and partly because I was too busy practicing my song about the merge lane, I did manage to catch the magnificent lyric:<br />
<br />
"Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y_fWoJzX1wE/Vb8Z5VIsbNI/AAAAAAAACSo/kgEJoZvTwm4/s1600/blog2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y_fWoJzX1wE/Vb8Z5VIsbNI/AAAAAAAACSo/kgEJoZvTwm4/s320/blog2.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">somebody has fucked up their wish</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I've spent half an hour thinking about what this means and I have no idea. Does he wish that his lips could literally build a castle? Or is this a castle of emotion? Why does he wish this so much? Does he want to live in the castle? Does he want to gift the castle to someone special? Perhaps he has someone who is important in his life and yet very hard to buy for, and he has already looked online <i>and</i> in his local supermarket, and he has come up empty-handed and now it is the day before their birthday and this is his absolute last resort?<br />
<br />
I suppose we will never know. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fxM2LTiUq_A/Vb8Z5IVY9TI/AAAAAAAACSk/hWYIM1nyj8k/s1600/blog3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fxM2LTiUq_A/Vb8Z5IVY9TI/AAAAAAAACSk/hWYIM1nyj8k/s320/blog3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">i have made this for you with my lips would you like to go to dinner</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Anyway.<br />
<br />
This weekend I went to the Wintergarden with my sister and my nephews. The Wintergarden would be better called the Indoorgarden as that is what it is. It is a hothouse garden and it is there all year round, much like a regular garden but with the added benefit of being indoors. I do not know why they have called it the Wintergarden, had it been me in charge I would have called it something else.<br />
<br />
The Indoorwintergarden has lots of plants and an equal number of signs telling you not to touch the plants (fair enough, who doesn't like to touch a plant), and also this oddly specific sign about what not to do with the pond:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TU61aRS9dKU/Vb8bqi1PsUI/AAAAAAAACTI/GbXMgx4AM6U/s1600/IMG_0691.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TU61aRS9dKU/Vb8bqi1PsUI/AAAAAAAACTI/GbXMgx4AM6U/s400/IMG_0691.JPG" width="298" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">do not do the hokey pokey, do not turn about</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div>
I wanted to know why they made this sign. I also wanted to put my feet in the pond, which presumably would have been fine. <br />
<div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BwyzGWZ_9gY/Vb8gl8PaWCI/AAAAAAAACTY/VwBazchV3bc/s1600/IMG_0686.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BwyzGWZ_9gY/Vb8gl8PaWCI/AAAAAAAACTY/VwBazchV3bc/s320/IMG_0686.JPG" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">although it might have caused an <i>orchid moment</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I'm so sorry about that orchid pun. Let's move on. <br />
<br />
We also walked down to the waterfront and I found out that 'love padlocks' is a thing that has reached New Zealand:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pzCDxojq0Y4/Vb8hRDWVXCI/AAAAAAAACTg/EQ0dQ5_jtpM/s1600/IMG_0669.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pzCDxojq0Y4/Vb8hRDWVXCI/AAAAAAAACTg/EQ0dQ5_jtpM/s320/IMG_0669.JPG" width="275" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> the local S&M club has made an error</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
The idea is that you visit a romantic waterfront location with your sweetheart (Wikipedia said 'sweetheart', which is good because I probably would have said 'fuck buddy' and ruined the romantic story) and, to symbolise the eternal nature of your love, you carve your initials on a padlock and clip it to the nearest structure and then chuck the key into the water. I'm not sure what happens after that but presumably you have a pash then go for a gelato or whatever. I'm not very romantic.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Oqqb-BU0el0/Vb8hXsatlzI/AAAAAAAACTw/5QmNer2jE_g/s1600/IMG_0675.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="279" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Oqqb-BU0el0/Vb8hXsatlzI/AAAAAAAACTw/5QmNer2jE_g/s320/IMG_0675.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">not pictured: seal who has eaten the key</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
This is all very lovely in the context of the relatively un-love-locked Auckland waterfront pictured above, but overseas people <i>just go bananas;</i> this is the Pont des Arts in Paris, which has recently had <b>45 tonnes of love locks </b>removed because part of the bridge collapsed:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0FyVdoBkiKQ/Vb8i9gHBZcI/AAAAAAAACUM/Mw-YqTKd__k/s1600/pont-des-arts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0FyVdoBkiKQ/Vb8i9gHBZcI/AAAAAAAACUM/Mw-YqTKd__k/s400/pont-des-arts.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think you'll agree my use of bold and italics in the same sentence was justified.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
You would think that at some point you'd just give up and clip the padlock on the railing of a McDonalds on the way home. <br />
<br />
It's also a massive missed advertising opportunity; imagine if you, Roger's Tyres 'n' Tacos, set up a booth at one end of the bridge selling locks with couples' initials on one side and the Roger's Tyres 'n' Tacos logo on the other.<br />
<br />
<i>You would make an absolute killing.</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7s1vaKEhaLE/Vb8mcZo5IxI/AAAAAAAACUg/CaVwGl0V-uI/s1600/michelin.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7s1vaKEhaLE/Vb8mcZo5IxI/AAAAAAAACUg/CaVwGl0V-uI/s320/michelin.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">no no, you have another taco, nobody has to know</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I... I'm not really sure what I expected the outcome of this blog post to be, but it wasn't <i>that. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Probably I should have gone to the gym.<br />
<br />
<br />
*<i>other song titles I considered for this section:</i><br />
<i>"Take Me To Church at 30km an Hour" </i><br />
<i>"Macarthur Park Already You Idiot, You Are Blocking Traffic"</i><br />
<i>"Is This Love? Or Are Your Hazards On By Accident"</i><i> </i><br />
<i>"This Lane is Your Lane, This Lane is My Lane"</i><br />
<i>"Traffic Islands in the Stream. <b> That is what they are. </b>Just drive around them you fuckwit"</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
</div>
IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-91187121157522710682015-07-23T22:21:00.005+12:002015-07-23T22:25:50.630+12:00but the flames move (a story)Today at work my relatively professional (relative to me, I mean, so not that challenging) colleague took a vitamin then said "I feel like a million bucks!" then burped loudly by accident. What was the highlight of <i>your </i>day?<br />
<br />
Story: last week I purchased a heater. I was getting by with the tried and tested "put on a hoodie and get into bed" method of home heating but then Picnic was coming to stay, and I only really have one nice hoodie, so I decided it was time to invest.<br />
<br />
This is what I invested in:<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Displaying photo.JPG" height="320" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=c1102db752&view=fimg&th=14eb9d4f53a33a76&attid=0.1&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ84NpkJfX_IBFhioQtE2g9_hMSdhTBVQEVp4bhMth-Qh9IxqCCOjj67mTRTGDlWB7lWdRcmBy3BU7WrfpjnAhfnxKp56p7klzCa7KJSTozPFL5LjCd2n23LOFA&ats=1437636823416&rm=14eb9d4f53a33a76&zw&sz=w1342-h553" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="238" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't act like you're not impressed.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
At work the next day, my colleague Button was unhappy about a work thing. My other colleague (not the burping one, another one, I have many) said "Would it help to know that the rest of the business is in the same position?" <br />
Button looked justifiably unimpressed and I said "Would it help to know that I bought a heater that looks like a little fire?" and Button said "<i>Yes</i>". So that evening, to further help Button, I txt her a photo of the heater and waited for her excited response.<br />
<br />
She said, "OMG. How much did that cost you?"<br />
<br />
Excellent, I thought, Button is delighted by my heater and perhaps even wants one for herself.<br />
<br />
I said, "[unspecified amount so you don't judge my heater purchase]."<br />
<br />
I also said "Worth it though because the flames move," and sent a second picture of the heater so that Button could better view its magnificence.<br />
<br />
Then there was a bit where Button did not say anything. I presumed she was in awe at the glaring majesty of my heater.<br />
<br />
Then she replied: "You're in trouble."<br />
<br />
I said "are you mad about my heater bargain"<br />
<br />
and Button did not reply<br />
<br />
I said "please let me be out of trouble now"<br />
<br />
and Button did not reply<br />
<br />
and I started to panic about my heater bargain<br />
<br />
and then Button said "Fine" and then Button said "NO MORE BARGAINS" and basically the moral of the story is that jealousy does not bring out the best in anyone, and also perhaps next time I shall invest in a more sensible heater.<br />
<br />
I just was so over-excited because the flames move.<br />
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-43647062082168602562015-07-22T20:59:00.000+12:002015-07-22T21:04:57.982+12:00turtles tinder & work**<i>this is a list of things in this blog, not a factual statement about turtles.</i><br />
<br />
Hello everyone! Since last posting, I have not got a turtle. I remain turtleless. Turtless? <br />
<br />
Without turtle.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://i155.photobucket.com/albums/s309/ukrainito/cdcovers/MariahCarey/videos/22WithoutYouLivem4v_snapshot_0027_20120210_194334.png" height="232" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">well i can't forget this evening</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I have been to a fancy party, though! It was a Business Awards Dinner (for work) and it was Black Tie. This was great for productivity as not only did it boost my enthusiasm to be representing a high-flying company, it allowed me to spend an entire afternoon googling "Black Tie" and "Black Tie Women" and "Black Tie Women help" and, inevitably, "Black Tie confusing help for fucks sake" and of course, boss, if you are reading this I'm kidding. Just a funny joke for comedy blog! Ha! Ha!<br />
<br />
Seriously though it takes fucking ages to effectively google Black Tie.<br />
<br />
I ended up wearing a very tight black velvet dress with a fancy-ass neckline, which was kind of good and kind of bad because during my first fancy forkful of fancy entree I managed to drop a large cube of fancy potato salad down my top, where it came to rest directly below my fancy boobs.<br />
<br />
This would have been kind of ok if I'd been able to scoot off to the bathroom and fish about in my decolletage until the potato salad was removed, but the award our company was up for was right after the entree. And we won it. And so the table leapt to its feet, celebrating and whooping and (in some cases) desperately hoping that the potato salad lodged against their ribcage wouldn't make a sudden break for freedom. It was the worst of times, it was the best of times.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="221" src="https://shipanddip.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Smoky-Garlic-Mustard-Chicken-Breasts-and-Warm-Potato-Salad.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">it was the potato salad breast of times</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
In other work news, <i>we have hired someone called Rupert. </i> This is disastrous. Rupert himself seems lovely, but Rupert is the default name I use when I'm talking about male colleagues who need to remain anonymous in my blod, and now I can't use it any more. Also this is probably a good time to confirm that any posts prior to this involving a colleague called Rupert were about My Colleague, Hypothetical Rupert and not My Colleague, Actual Rupert.<br />
<br />
MCARupert is good, except every time I interact with him I think about Rupert Bear, and then my mind wanders to the story about the time RB explored a castle, and I can't quite remember what he found but I do remember that it was vaguely scary (?) and possibly had historical significance, and also maybe RB fell through the floor at some stage, and then I suddenly realise that everyone else in the meeting is looking at me and I am expected to produce a pithy comment about revenue.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://tiffin11.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/139718371_780146588a_o.png" height="313" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I hope his tale is about how comversion is up on last quarter.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Speaking of colleagues; today my colleague Zipper* had an unfortunate telephone encounter where she accidentally told a client that their previous rep was dead. <br />
"Hello," she said, "I'm Zipper!"<br />
"Hello Zipper," said the client, "what happened to my rep, Mitchell?"**<br />
"Mitchell is no longer with us."<br />
The client gasped and said, "How did he go??"<br />
"He went into real estate!"<br />
<br />
There are not many times I wish I kept a slide whistle in my desk, but that was one of them.<br />
<br />
In non-work news, I had Picnic up to stay for the weekend! It was the first time I've had A Proper Houseguest and so I ran out and bought new towels and fancy handwash and pretty crockery, and then hid heaps of washing in the washing machine, which is broken and therefore a storage unit.<br />
<br />
I really must take that washing out before I forget about it forever. <br />
<br />
It was an awesome weekend and great to have her staying - we went to two movies (Magic Mike XXL because <i>so many abs</i>, and Jurassic World because I was misinformed about how good it was and Picnic was too polite to reason with me) and went out to a bar and got hit on by the most appalling pair of car salesmen we had ever encountered, and drank wine and played pool and ate scones and basically I think the moral of that story is that sometimes there is no punchline, it is just nice to have friends. <br />
<br />
Even when the friend is not Horace, and one is still without turtle.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Z8pz9bQhrNM/hqdefault.jpg" height="240" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">you always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
During her visit Picnic suggested that I join "tinder" and I am keen to get your ideas on this. I'm not that familiar with it, but from what I gather if Findsomeone is going out for a nice dinner, Tinder is a 3am bucket of KFC that you will undoubtedly regret later, when you wake up in the middle of an Elephant's Graveyard-esque panorama of chicken bones and chickeny napkins.<br />
<br />
(Meeting someone in person and dating is a 10-course degustation at the chef's table, in that I have neither the money or patience to do it more than once a decade, and usually it starts off really well and you're getting excited and then suddenly they bring out a tripe and pine nut souffle and you just want to go home, and also you're probably drunk.)<br />
<br />
Picnic and I had somewhat different views on what makes a good Tinder profile picture; you may guess which one she suggested and which one I suggested.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3xJU_jQZGrs/Va9OnH6Hg8I/AAAAAAAACR0/H7b1ld0k1a4/s1600/photo.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3xJU_jQZGrs/Va9OnH6Hg8I/AAAAAAAACR0/H7b1ld0k1a4/s320/photo.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">what do you mean "not <i>that</i> much personality"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I'm torn about Tinder because on the one hand you all know how endlessly entertaining I found FindSomeone, but - hang the fuck on I just remembered I have a scratchie in my handbag that I bought at morning tea and haven't scratched yet. I shall finish that sentence once I've won my millions.<br />
<br />
Ok sorry about that. I did not win anything. I also forgot what I was going to say about Tinder during the wild excitement of the scratchie. I think where I was going was that while I normally love novelty romance shit I'm really not sure that Tinder is for me. <br />
<br />
That is all the news for now, but I promise to check in again in less than two months. <br />
<br />
Probably still without turtle.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="241" src="https://richcoast.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/538536_363644523703419_1214323257_n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CAN'T LIIIIIVE</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i><br /></i>
<i>*surprisingly, not her real name; she is similar, but not identical, to my colleague Button</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>**can't say Rupert any more. end of a ruperty era</i><br />
<i><br /></i>IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-5022162967022234982015-05-20T20:35:00.000+12:002015-05-20T20:35:42.462+12:00In Which the Author Almost Gets a Turtle<div>
Hello everyone!<br />
<br />
I was going to tell you a story about Horace and the Gambling Debts but then I thought about how I have been talking about Horace quite a bit at work recently, to the point where Button took me aside and said, with concern in her eyes, "Ally, I think you should get a pet."<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
"I have a pet!" I said. "I have Ho-"<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
"Horace is not a pet," said Button. "Maybe you should get a turtle."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z2oyDd23EeA/VVw7ViCK21I/AAAAAAAACRY/7Cenc-0Gsdc/s1600/horace1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="268" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z2oyDd23EeA/VVw7ViCK21I/AAAAAAAACRY/7Cenc-0Gsdc/s320/horace1.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">cover your ears Horace ! she doesn't mean it</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br />
I was seriously into getting a turtle for at least a day and during that time Button and I had ample opportunity to discuss his name; I suggested calling him 'turtle', because he is, and then she suggested Mr Turtle (so he can be easily introduced at dinner parties), and then we realised that clearly he would be a <i>fancy</i> turtle - and so perhaps one day soon I will introduce you all to Dr. Sir Prince Major-General (Mr) Turtle.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://petlifepro.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Turtle.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You forgot the 'Sir' and he is not impressed.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div>
<br />
I would quite like to get a turtle. <br />
<br />
Anyway in lieu of the story about Horace, most of which I have forgotten anyway, I would like to introduce you all to a thing I discovered today. How I have got to being 27 and having a grown-up job without having come across this already is an absolute damn mystery, and speaking of absolute damn mysteries, allow me to present: <a href="http://www.almostmakesperfect.com/2015/01/07/diy-guess-who/" target="_blank">DIY Guess Who?</a></div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5lt2HTyMn5g/VVw76VTyyfI/AAAAAAAACRg/HwzXpz1-43Q/s1600/guess1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5lt2HTyMn5g/VVw76VTyyfI/AAAAAAAACRg/HwzXpz1-43Q/s320/guess1.png" width="295" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the baby doesn't look very hard to guess.<br /><span style="color: #cccccc;">image source: almostmakesperfect.com</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Obviously, I need to create a workplace edition. <br />
<br />
"Do you have a beard?"<br />
"No."<br />
"Do you have... glasses?"<br />
"No."</div>
<div>
"Did you try to grope my boob at the Christmas party?"<br />"...<i>yes."</i></div>
<div>
"Oooh! Oooh! Are you Rupert from the Product team?"<br />
"YES!"<br />
"MEETING ADJOURNED!"<br />
<br />
I really, really want to make this game. I feel like it could get me fired, but I also feel like it could potentially be worth it.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
I thought I had something else to mention after this, but then I looked in my drafts thing and all that was there is a note that says -<br />
<br />
"Pine-apple. Upper lip $2"<br />
<br />
- and three stories about Horace.<br />
<br />
So I guess that's me for the day.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://img.thrfun.com/img/020/483/tootsiespider_s1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sometimes, you google 'spider made of pineapple', and the internet lets you down.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-48543295263346114922015-04-29T20:32:00.000+12:002015-04-29T20:32:15.212+12:00Introducing Horace<i>Disclaimer: In this post I describe a spider as "large" and "sizeable". I am completely aware that many of you live in other countries where spiders are </i><i style="text-decoration: underline;">genuinely</i> <i>large and sizeable, and that my spiders are indeed eensy weensy in comparison. However, they are quite large to <u>me</u>.</i><br />
<br />
Hello everyone! Living alone is still going well, the other night I woke up at 2am with a spider on my face. I feel like this definitely wouldn't have happened if HB was still here, as clearly the spider would have chosen <i>his</i> face. <br />
Also because maybe he would have a stricter policy on spiders. <br />
<br />
My spider policy is as follows:<br />
<br />
<b>Category 1: Very Small / Daddy Long-Legs</b><br />
Action: Leave to go about their business. Probably they are eating flies or doing some other vaguely helpful spider thing. Also they are challenging to put outside because the small ones are fast, and the daddy-long-legs - wow, those legs really are long, fuck will they fit under the glass even? oh god. oh god I've cut its leg off now what do I do - well they are <i>that. </i><br />
<br />
<b>Category 2: Smaller-than-Teaspoon</b><br />
Action: Spider 10 Dream Home. This is where you put the spider outside with the assistance of a glass, an envelope, and a thousand tiny spider dreams. If you like you can shout "Move That Glass!" before you fling the spider merrily into the foliage while yelling about how much happier he will be in his new location.<br />
<br />
If the spider was really rude, like On My Face At 2am Spider, while you walk him to the door in his glass you can give him a little lecture about accepting his rightful place in the ecosystem.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="300" src="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/qCzGlIFpVVY/hqdefault.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Young man, this is NOT your natural habitat."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<b>Category 3: Interesting Jumping Spider - <i>Trite planiceps</i></b><br />
Action: He would go outside if he wasn't so interesting. Sometimes eats other spiders, sometimes sits on the wall, sometimes falls in the shower and surprises everyone. You never know what's next with a jumping spider. He is like an episode of Game of Thrones. With less boobs*.<br />
<br />
<b>Category 4: Larger-than-Teaspoon, Smaller-than-WOAHHHFUCK</b><br />
Action: Spider 10 Dream Home, but <i>very carefully.</i><br />
<br />
<b>Category 5: Horace</b><br />
I was going to include a picture of Horace, but then I remembered that not everyone enjoys unexpected pictures of spiders, so instead we will have a picture of a Category 5 Kaiju from Pacific Rim. It's similar enough. Also, <i>damn</i> I liked Pacific Rim a <i>lot. </i>But now I'm scared to watch it again because I watched it on a plane and I'm worried it just seemed good because it was better than literally everything else on an Air Malaysia flight** and if I rewatch it now it will be a steaming turd and I will have ruined it for myself, forever -<br />
<br />
ANYWAY. BACK TO -<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="225" src="http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/pacificrim/images/8/84/Pacific_rim_slattern.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130911020458" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CATEGORY FIVE HORACE</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Horace is a spider who lives in my bedroom window and he is <i>sizeable.</i> He is too large to attempt to put outside, because what if a) he leapt on my face or b) he ran into the bedroom and disappeared, thus forcing me to sleep on the couch for the rest of my time in this flat? These would not be beneficial outcomes for me or for Horace.<br />
<br />
And yet, I do not wish to kill Horace. <br />
<br />
The bedroom window is a long way from the bed and in my direct line of sight, so I can see what Horace is up to. He's usually not up to much. Neither am I. Friendships have been based on less. Romances have been based on less! Movies have been based on a <i>lot </i>less.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="200" src="https://monsterminions.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/pacific-rim-movie-banner-striker-eureka-jaeger-vs-kaiju.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">ahem</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
ANYWAY, in the interests of me not having to kill Horace and Horace not having to climb onto my face in the night, Horace and I have become friends. He isn't a pet, because<i> having a window spider as a pet would be crazy person behaviour</i>, and also because the tenancy agreement doesn't allow pets.<br />
<br />
To complete your introduction - so you can say hello next time you see him - here is a brief list of<br />
<br />
<u>Things Horace Does:</u><br />
<br />
1) not reply when I say, "Good morning Horace"<br />
2) not reply when I say "Hello Horace did you have a good day?"<br />
3) hide when I close the blinds too abruptly<br />
4) come out and catch insects and then carry them back into his house<br />
5) not reply when I say "Goodnight, Horace."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="274" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/5/51/Goodnightmoon.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">stop judging me you all thought this was perfectly reasonable</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
***<br />
<br />
It is now five minutes later and I have opened a cider and informed Horace that I am about to share him with the internet.<br />
<br />
He looks impressed.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-style: italic;">*No, spiders do not have boobs. </span><br />
<br />
**<i>Air Malaysia's flight attendants are the worst. You're all "Hello, I will be the polite, nice passenger today on this long-haul flight" and they are all "god fucken damn it I don't care if you are Saint Francis I just wish that every one of you ridiculous flying motherfuckers would hurry up and eat your dinner so I can get back to clumsily attempting to bone one of my appalling colleagues in the business class seats that we will never, ever upgrade anyone to." If it had been a bus the flight attendants would have pulled over at the next stop, made all the passengers get off, and then driven the bus to the pub while mooning us all out of the back window.</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-31965670840372404172015-03-23T21:10:00.000+13:002015-03-23T21:12:27.947+13:00Meetings. Trousers. Easter.Accidentally turned on Voice Control on my phone just before. It looked at me I and I looked at it and it said nothing and I said "...snap...chat?" and it said "NO MATCH FOUND" and then I said "yes there is" and it said "NO MATCH FOUND" and then I told it to fuck off. <br />
<br />
Them I opened my email and observed with some interest the 173 Starred Items and closed my email again and opened a cider instead, and then I sang the cider a little cider song, and I am just as concerned about my mental health as you are.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://www.stoppress.co.nz/images/blog/2013/orchard_2.jpg" height="320" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="242" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">ooooh, are you cold enough / are you cold enough</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div>
(It was not, I should have put it in the freezer for a bit.)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My meetings today went well, which I'm sure you are pleased to hear. The Events one (the one where I spend most of the meeting trying to distract people from the things which I have not done) was particularly good. We discussed Easter deadlines. I looked enthusiastic and serious and like someone who would certainly not miss an Easter deadline, and if they did it would not be on purpose. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
To help with the seriousness I made many notes about Easter deadlines, and one note which was a small picture of a house. I considered discreetly showing the house picture to the person sitting next to me, but they were absorbed in their own note-which-was-a-picture-of-a-rabbit, and so I did not. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And right before the meeting ended the Meeting Leader said, "with these deadlines, we won't be able to be flexible on any late entries," and everyone looked at me, presumably because I am very busy and important.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://cdn.attackofthecute.com/August-04-2011-04-04-57-Cute-rabbit1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">find your spirit animal, they said</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In completely other news, are you guys aware of <a href="https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/395671533/playpants-magic-access-jeans" target="_blank">PlayPants</a>? My colleague Picnic introduced me to these at work today and basically they are pants with stealth inside unzippable pockets which allow you to escape detection while publicly fondling yourself or your significant other. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Here is a picture from their <i>successfully funded to the tune of 10,000 pounds </i>Kickstarter:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="225" src="https://ksr-ugc.imgix.net/assets/003/238/329/362148354d2e6e97548f1bd0dc461ee3_original.jpg?v=1423152330&w=700&h=&fit=max&auto=format&q=92&s=e8a92b11f757329aa71a7448fa49ee48" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">of <i>course</i> she is doing metal horns</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The Kickstarter page asks the question all of us were thinking: "Why do you need PlayPants?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And then, as Socrates would do if he were plugging filth trou, it answers it with some other questions.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Itchy private parts in public?"</div>
<div>
"Lonely single night at the Cinema?"</div>
<div>
"Dull love life?"</div>
<div>
"Boring corporate meeting?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If we are being honest, Kickstarter, you can have as many topless pictures of beautiful people as you like, but I think we all know that the main purpose of these pants relates entirely to the first question. And maybe the last one. Although that could be just me. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't know whether to be impressed by the ingenuity of this or horribly embarrassed. Imagine future historians, standing behind their lecterns and declaring in serious tones: "The people of the 21st century made some solid advances in technology and space travel, but also... this." It'll be like when someone says "can you believe in the Middle Ages they thought the plague was caused by evil spirits?" and everyone goes "oh those crazy old-time folk, we would never do that now, ha ha ha, now let's spend ten thousand pounds on rude pants." </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Man, there are so many other things you could do with ten thousand pounds. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H4JTPPO8K9A/Szkvx00S35I/AAAAAAAAAog/kmkeZCQaJoY/s320/bear.bmp" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this you could do this</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
BRB I gotta go start a Kickstarter.</div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">you guys it has been five years since I made <a href="http://terriblyexciting.blogspot.co.nz/2009/12/bear-guitar.html" target="_blank">Bear Guitar</a> thank you so much for reading my blog.</span></i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-90031223391831361192015-03-22T21:39:00.000+13:002015-03-22T21:47:49.329+13:00...wasps and boinking**<i>when I started this post that is not what I expected it to be about.</i><br />
<br />
Hello everyone! Not much to report except I just put on ridiculous glittery blue nail polish and now I'm going to have to wear black tomorrow to avoid clashing with myself. (It'll be good though. Here is a short summary of me tomorrow: Serious business, serious business, serious business, JAZZ HANDS. I wonder if I have to go to any meetings. I certainly hope so).<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://i0.wp.com/ommorphiabeautybar.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/essie-lots-of-lux-swatch-glossy.jpg?resize=680%2C514" height="241" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this quarterly report is FABULOUS</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I have checked my calendar and I do have to go to a meeting tomorrow! In fact I have to go to two! One is a client meeting that I'm looking forward to (I like the client) and the other is the weekly Events meeting. This is a meeting where we sit down and go "Ok, we are two days behind deadline for the Horse Accessories Sale* and there does not appear to be anything loaded into the system" and normally I attempt to look at once contrite and adorable, and ask for a deadline extension. Obviously tomorrow I will turn my nails so they catch the light, temporarily stun everybody, and dash from the room before anyone realises what has happened. I know how to do meetings.<br />
<br />
Here are some non-meeting-related things that have happened this week. They would be in chronological order but I have forgotten which days they happened on.<br />
<br />
1. I was having my morning shower, washing my hair and keeping an eye on the spider who lives above the shower in case he fell in, when suddenly, a wasp! A wasp in the shower! I went "OOOOP" because apparently this is the noise I make when it's too early to wake up the neighbours by shouting "AHHHHH FUCK YOU WASP". And then the wasp fell out of the air and into the shower and went down the plug, which was a good outcome (for me, not for the wasp).<br />
<br />
I have so many questions about this. What is a wasp doing in the shower at 5.30 in the morning? What is a wasp doing <i>anywhere </i>at 5.30 in the morning? And why would he choose the shower? Was he some kind of a wasp pervert? Or simply a wasp wanderer**? Why did he just stop flying and fall in the shower? Was he struck by my nude beauty? It could have been that. Or was he simply struck by the water of the shower? Or - had he been out for a big wasp night and done something he seriously regretted*** and was now very wasp hungover and wished to end it all? <br />
<br />
I suppose we will never know. RIP wasp. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/40/Plughole.JPG" height="266" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rest In Plughole.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
This hadn't occurred to me before, but I really hope his wasp friends don't gather for a memorial service.<br />
<br />
2. I called one of the female sales reps 'bae' because she called me 'boo' and I thought 'bae' was just the 2015 version of 'boo'. It turns out that it is not, it is much more serious than 'boo' and generally not something that one would use to refer to one's colleagues, unless one was boinking them. Although you can also boink your boo. I think. Fuck I am not down with the kids of today. <br />
<br />
Anyway, it was good to learn this about 'bae' before accidentally saying it to my boss. <br />
<br />
3. I was talking to my friend Andrea and the conversation wandered to asking people out, and we realised that this is something neither of us know how to do. She's married and has been for some time, and even before I was with HB my general approach was more "hello sir, we appear to be intoxicated and in close proximity, do you fancy a boink" than any kind of "shall we perhaps go to a movie sometime, or eat dinner, and then see if we fancy a boink." <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://cdnimg.fonts.net/CatalogImages/23/165233.png" height="145" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">sir while it is an excellent font that is not what i meant</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I suspect that when you're asking someone out you try not to say boink, or ask them if they would fancy one, even though everyone knows that's the real question. Would you like to go for a beer sometime? <i>The beer means boink.</i><br />
<br />
Andrea and I tried to find some non-boink ways to ask people out, to see if we could, and we could not. Luckily she asked her Facebook friends, and one of them commented with this, which will now be my standard go-to for any pending date situations:<br />
<br />
"If you would ask me on a date I could stop wondering."<br />
<br />
WONDERING IF YOU WOULD FANCY A BOINK.<br />
<br />
<div>
(Feel free to leave your own top boinking propositions in the comments.)</div>
<br />
<br />
*<i>unbridled discounts!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>**not all who wander are wasp</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>***I don't know what a wasp would regret. Wasps don't really seem like they have many regrets. I can't imagine a wasp thinking "oh man, maybe I shouldn't have stung that puppy, what will everyone think? I'm never having that much nectar on an empty stomach again. Oh God I don't want to go into the hive today." Wasps have always seemed more likely to go "AYYYY FUCK YOU PUPPY IMMA STING YOU AGAIN HEY GUYS WATCH THIS *STING STING STING*" drives away in obnoxious wasp car.</i><br />
<br />
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-40005256107392680262015-03-10T22:19:00.002+13:002015-03-10T23:08:54.302+13:00Office Pick-Up LinesHad Management Dilemma earlier in the week when I found out from a colleague that one of the other sales managers had banned 'Shoot, Shag or Marry' from office conversation. Felt like I should also ban this in the spirit of professionalism, not that we play it much anyway because we are all so busy being remarkably productive, but couldn't bring myself to do it because of the lost entertainment potential.<br />
<br />
Later I asked my friend-and-colleague Picnic why Other Manager had banned it in the first place and she said, "Rupert keeps putting Manager into the list. When he's right there." It's good to see the spirit of professionalism is alive and well.<br />
<br />
I also got caught checking out someone's butt while they were at the photocopier but that is a Management Dilemma for another day.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://www.inkinddirect.org/media//Aficio_MP_C2500_C3000_larger.jpg.pagespeed.ce.Qg4IIfcAoR.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">shit son are you toner 'cause I need to order some of that</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Was talking to Picnic about accidentally checking people out in the office and it occurred to us that there is a massive untapped market for office-related pickup lines and <i>why has no-one made a thing out of this yet. </i>Evidently there should be some sort of Office Flirting Handbook written by someone smooth like me and containing immortal, classy, meeting-appropriate lines. <br />
<br />
You would need categories, because there's a lot of ground between "hey girl do you use Office Suite because I notice you Excel" and "DANG SHORTY IS YOU MY DEALFLOW BECAUSE I GOTTA DO YOU EVERY DAY."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><img src="http://www.inkinddirect.org/media//Aficio_MP_C2500_C3000_larger.jpg.pagespeed.ce.Qg4IIfcAoR.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">DANG</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
So, in yet another ill-advised attempt to avoid the crashing inevitability of my still-incomplete spreadsheet, allow me to present a short guide to Office Pick-Up Lines, scaled for situational appropriateness. You are welcome to use these as often as you like but please be aware that if you get taken to HR <i>it is not my fault.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>Preface: General Advice</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Picnic suggested that I include a General Advice section, covering off topics like "how to act normally when you have had a remarkably vivid and inappropriate dream about a coworker," and "how to act <i>even more normally</i> when you have had a remarkably vivid and inappropriate sexual encounter with a coworker," but I have left this section out, as obviously <i>there is no way to act normally in either of those situations. </i>All you can really do is avoid them like the dickens and pray that they resign.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>Office Pickup Lines, Level 1: Photocopier and/or Lift Conversation</b><br />
Like a fine wine on a gentle summer's afternoon, these pick-up lines show that you are interested, but do not show that your nipples are visibly hard. Your nipples will do that on their own behalf. Also, you should wear thicker shirts.<br />
<br />
These are all pretty vanilla and so I haven't included any examples; I trust you to come up with your own. Light puns around common office equipment work well-<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><img src="http://www.inkinddirect.org/media//Aficio_MP_C2500_C3000_larger.jpg.pagespeed.ce.Qg4IIfcAoR.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">DANG SHORTY IS YOU PAPER 'CAUSE I'D HAVE A4-SOME</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I'm sorry about what the printer said. That printer is filth. I meant more along the lines of "hey can I borrow a whiteboard eraser 'cause I want to wipe out this distance between us." <br />
<br />
Also if someone says "is this in the agenda?" you can look at them meaningfully and say, "You can <i>put </i>it in." Feel free to use other ambiguous phrases, like "We need to enter that hard data into the backend."<br />
<br />
Also if there is a calculator required, you can discreetly enter '80085' and then show it to the colleague of your affection and point subtly to your chest. Men, you can also enter '80085' but instead of pointing anywhere you just make an enquiring sort of a face and a subtle thrusting motion.<br />
<br />
<b>Level 2: In A Meeting</b><br />
As almost everyone in a meeting is bored at almost any given time, this gives you considerably more leeway for off-colour remarks. Nothing spices up a meeting like an off-colour remark! <br />
<br />
Again, you can use nice business analogies, leading in with the serious then closing it out with the <i>seriously sexy, </i>remembering that subtlety is best left behind in Level 1, and that all of these will work at least 25% better if you follow them up with a wink:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>"I hope there's a solid Marketing budget, cause you'd benefit from deep penetration."</li>
<li>"Are you tracking above target this month? Cause your figure looks <i>fiiiine</i>"</li>
<li>"Let's take this from a soft launch to a firm, full-thrust offer."</li>
<li>"Did someone order stationery? I've got a big package." </li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><img src="http://www.inkinddirect.org/media//Aficio_MP_C2500_C3000_larger.jpg.pagespeed.ce.Qg4IIfcAoR.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">A BIG PACKAGE OF C&B THAT'S WHAT</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Honestly, printer. Settle down.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Level 3: Friday Drinks</b><br />
At this point at least one of you is drunk enough that you have stopped caring about how awkward it's going to be on Monday. These are in caps because they cannot possibly be delivered in your inside voice.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>LET'S HAVE A MEETING ABOUT BUSINESS ANALYSIS, BABY YOU PUT THE SIN IN BUSINESS AND ALSO HOPEFULLY THE ANAL IN ANALYSIS HOW ABOUT IT I'LL BOOK THE BOARDROOM FOR LATER</li>
<li>DID SOMEONE SAY EBIT-DA 'CAUSE I'LL HAVE E-BIT OF DAT</li>
<li>DOES IT VIOLATE THE DRESS CODE IF I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS</li>
<li>YOU CAN CALL ME PRINTER-5035 CAUSE I'VE BEEN SCANNING YOU ALL DAY</li>
<li>YOU HAVE A MAGNIFICENT BUSINESS STRATEGY WHAT SAY WE BONE</li>
</ul>
<br />
The last one is the best because everyone knows only classy ladies use 'bone' as a verb.<br />
<br />
I shall endeavour to use as many of these as possible this week and report back.<br />
<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-10720650176748013222015-03-03T20:37:00.001+13:002015-03-03T20:44:22.980+13:00Operation Boyz II Men<i>Hi everyone! That title will make sense later, maybe. This post is vaguely not-suitable-for-work because of a couple of pictures of butts. You can probably see the first one already. I'll keep typing just in case you opened this in a meeting and haven't scrolled down far enough to hit the butt yet. Probably you should stop scrolling now, tab to a different window real quick and then read this on your phone. </i><i>If you are leading the meeting and happened to open this on the projector then you have my sincere apologies.</i><br />
<br />
Was reading old blog post in the hopes of finding something of vague interest* and stumbled upon footnote that said "Charisma Biscuit would be a good name for a band, or a military operation" and <i>guess what, this is still true**. </i>Many good band names would also be good military operation names, like Operation Arctic Monkey and Operation Atomic Kitten and Operation One Direction and Operation Das Racist and ok, maybe not that last one. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/81/72/3c/81723c74cab259239e8595dca533b789.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Operation Sex Pistols.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Speaking of linguistic errors and genitals, which we weren't before but most certainly are now, today I stomped professionally over to the copywriting department to ask something along the lines of "am I correct in thinking there is a testicle reference in your copy on this deal for personalised jewellery" but before I got there I was waylaid by a designer who had an important question, and the question was, "Do I need to pixelate the outline of the penis in this men's mesh underwear deal, or should I just put a little star over it?"<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CLNXgl7t_qc/VPVejDDzNhI/AAAAAAAACQo/Otiw-NnrP74/s1600/delete-later.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CLNXgl7t_qc/VPVejDDzNhI/AAAAAAAACQo/Otiw-NnrP74/s1600/delete-later.png" height="318" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">An alternate suggestion.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
And by the time I had finished advising on the penis pixelation predicament I had completely forgotten about the testicle reference and, now that I think of it, Testicle Reference isn't a terrible name for a military operation either.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://i.imgur.com/hyLRDo1.jpg" height="370" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Particularly when one is invading Scandinavia.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
In other news, had Dramatic Incident in supermarket car park yesterday; had put groceries (cider, Le Snak, meals for one) in back of car and was preparing to back enthusiastically out of park - it is on a slope, so one has to back enthusiastically otherwise one doesn't back at all, and then sometimes one gets stuck on top of the thing-to-stop-you-driving-into-the-garden with one's, um, bit-on-the-front-of-the-car*** which is potentially called a fascia but which I always thought was called 'The Fearing', which coincidentally is what I start doing when I get stuck on the thing-to-stop-you-driving-into-the-garden, and holy shit this sentence is a train wreck but my point is that I was about to start backing enthusiastically, except when I started the car it went "WEEEEEEEEKKK" and did not back at all.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/14682531.jpg" height="266" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It was like trying to back this pig. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.panoramio.com/user/17622?with_photo_id=14682531" target="_blank">photo credit</a></span></div>
<br />
I tried again, tentatively, and the car went WEEEEEKKK again and lurched backwards so it was pokin' out into the throughway and I thought "OH GOD THE CAR HAS BROKEN DOWN OH FUCK" and then I thought "Ok Ally, you know what to do here. Put hazards on. Put car into park. Put handbrake o-" <i>and then I discovered that handbrake was already on.</i> For fuck's sake. <br />
<br />
What else has happened? Not much else has happened. <br />
<br />
Hopefully something interesting will happen soon.<br />
<br />
<br />
*<i>Didn't.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>**I also found a second footnote, on the previous post, that said "Operation Scummy Buttocks would be a good name for a military operation." This was perhaps not my best work. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>***I don't know what anything is called on a car. I know what most things do, but not what they look like. We have an Automotive event coming up at work, and it has its own little logo, which I was presented with and said "This little logo is <b>delightful</b>, what are those thingies in the middle that look like flags," and the designer said "They are pistons. They are inside the engine." </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>HEY DO YOU KNOW WHERE A PISTOFF IS? IT'S RIGHT HERE THAT'S WHERE IT IS</i><br />
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-67983043406712004322015-02-24T20:17:00.001+13:002015-02-24T20:17:23.823+13:00No Le Snaks were harmed in the making of this post<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Just kidding I have eaten three.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Today a friend called near the end of the work day to tell me about a major personal development in their life, which I was genuinely invested in, but before I could sympathise they said: "Also t</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">oday I took [colleague] to a meeting and he tried to fit an entire egg in his mouth in front of the client." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And then I forgot all about the major personal development in the sheer joy and hilarity of the egg story and couldn't stop laughing for five minutes and all in all, it</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> has not been a day strewn with achievements. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="284" src="http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/squirrel-eating-a-nut-31.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR COMMISSION</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I did, however, manage to do my weekly shop! Because I am an Independent Lady* this shop consists entirely of meals-for-one, cider, rubbish bags if I remember which usually I do not, and the inevitable Le Snaks. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="320" src="http://2sis.weebly.com/uploads/2/0/1/8/20189339/4638936_orig.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="295" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Le Binj Eet.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Very occasionally there are also things like washing powder and toilet paper and toothpaste and all that other necessary but deeply un-fun shit that one has to buy when one does not really want to use baby wipes for what is admittedly their original purpose, but on a much larger scale. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On a more serious note, the Backstreet Boys are playing in Auckland in I think May(?) and I really want to go and no-one will go with me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Apart from the fact that Backstreet's Back was the first tape I bought, and that for a couple of months I was going to marry at least one of them**, </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I just think that if a 90s boy band has the audacity to state in 1997 that as long as there'll be music they'll be coming back again, and then </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">actually continue to come back even though it is almost 20 years later and they really should have stopped by now,</i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> then one should indulge them. </span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="320" src="http://groundctrl.s3.amazonaws.com/clients/groundctrl/media/03/01/large.2st3t71n944c.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"As long as we continue to fit our white suits, we'll be coming back again."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Normally I would rope in my sister for this kind of nostalgia-saturated lark but she is in Peru and therefore is no help. I asked Delightful Colleague and she said "lol not for $90" and I asked Button and she said "ALLY" and then I was too afraid to ask any more people because <i>there was too much playing games with my heart </i>and also because professional adults are not meant to spend the afternoon trying to find colleagues to go to concerts with them, they are meant to do their reporting. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="320" src="http://i.imgur.com/wofXqLz.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This report summarises how I feel about my reporting.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i></i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyway, the key point is this: if anyone wishes to go to this concert with me then hit me up. I don't care who you are, where you're from. What you did. As long as you don't make me go and see the Backstreet Boys by myself.</span><br />
<br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You can leave a comment or, if you would prefer your great love for BSB to go unnoticed, you can email me: tarquin.deathmongrel@gmail.com*** </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*<i>Le Snak in my fridge, I bought it. 'Cause I depend on me.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>**Brian. But honestly pretty much any of them would have bee fine. Preferably not AJ.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>***one day I will get a more grown up email address, but today is not that day.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-33603699258112044222015-02-18T21:18:00.000+13:002015-02-18T21:18:20.119+13:00Who Speaks for the Trees?<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I had something in mind for this post but then I got an email with the subject line "Who Speaks for the Trees?" and at the same time my mother txt saying 'i had a little donut for dessert which came with three disposable syringes filled with sauces and you injected the donut before you ate it' and also right then I accidentally typed 'donut' as 'docunt' and now I've forgotten what I was going to talk about.</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1e5wzBoFmmE/VORGsnd0KII/AAAAAAAACP4/U9wmuuuKCQU/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1e5wzBoFmmE/VORGsnd0KII/AAAAAAAACP4/U9wmuuuKCQU/s1600/photo.JPG" height="320" width="277" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">PLANT ME ALREADY, YOU FUCKING BITCH - my tree</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">update: while I was reading the email about the trees another txt came through from Mum which said 'i am now boiling the breakfast egg!' thank you technology for your egg updates. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Also I sent myself an email and Gmail marked it as important.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">ANYWAY. I was going to tell you a story, but not the one about how I put up shelves, and also not the one about how I checked my oil at 6am yesterday and was super proud of myself for being a Responsible Car Owner and then when I went to put the dipstick back in it was <i>dark</i> and I couldn't find the hole and then I realised that in fact it was <i>I</i> who was the dipstick.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The story is, however, vehicular in nature: yesterday</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> evening I came out of the office and went to my carpark and was alarmed to see another car, scooting back and forth beside my car like they were trying to somehow line up and mate through their fuel caps. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Beside New Car was a short yelling man. He was waving his arms at New Car's driver, who was looking increasingly panicked and coming closer and closer to manoevring right into my car. I should probably mention that apart from my car and New Car the parking lot was <b>completely empty.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I'm about to go," I shouted helpfully over the already helpfully shouting man, as New Car edged painfully closer to my bumper, "if you move right forwards I'll back out." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Wait," he said, "We're practicing parallel parking!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">GOOD GOD MAN WOULD YOU PRACTICE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyway.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That's all for now because I have to make dinner, and by make I mean microwave, a</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">nd then after that I have to do some reporting, and by do some reporting I mean look blankly at a spreadsheet for five minutes with despair in my eyes then have a cider and fall asleep and hope that the reporting is not required for some sort of surprise meeting tomorrow. Fuck you, surprise meetings, you are a docunt.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Night night everybody.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> </span><br />
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-64190363006100468972015-02-10T20:42:00.001+13:002015-02-10T20:42:38.764+13:00The Mother of All Updates*<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*<i>brace yourselves, it's 1500 words. Imagine all the productive things I could've done with those. That's like 150 curt emails where you don't even bother with a salutation because you're so mad at the other person, but in a business way, so instead of 'Hi Anthony' or 'Good morning, Anthony,' it's just plain 'Anthony.' And if you're really mad, you can put a dash, so they know you're serious, like this:</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Readers - </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This morning Delightful Colleague sent me a screenshot of Very Serious Colleague's Spotify playlist and it was just the same Enrique Iglesias song <i>over and over</i> and now there's a whole department I can't go into without getting the giggles. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I hope your day as been as entertainingly fruitful as mine. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I realised halfway through this post that it's dramatically long (no wait don't go there are pictures) so I have put it into three helpful sections, not unlike 50 Shades of Grey, but better and quite possibly more sexy (as I said, there are pictures). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Section One: Developments</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Like a busy photo lab in the week after Christmas, life has been full of developments; the Chief Development (all of the other developments report to him) is HB's recent departure for Ireland, on matters both personal and professional. By recent I mean about a month ago, but getting round to blogging is hard when you don't have the Internet at home and also sometimes you are drunk. I shall leave HB's departure to the imagination, but in short his reasons were sound and there is no need to note in the comments what a terrible cad he is, although you are still welcome to do that and I shall let him know. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The upside to the ridiculous emotional bludgeoning of HB's departure is, of course, that I get the car, which I love. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The car and I bonded over our shared devastation at HB leaving; while I </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">played computer games for 10 hours straight and consumed half a bottle of whiskey (also straight), it broke down dramatically on the way home from the airport. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dq5Y7cx4E8o/VNmiNDlfBkI/AAAAAAAACOg/SO-SK7pPO6Q/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dq5Y7cx4E8o/VNmiNDlfBkI/AAAAAAAACOg/SO-SK7pPO6Q/s1600/photo.JPG" height="393" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Feel free to call it a cad in the comments as much as you like.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Oh," said the car, "I see that your boyfriend has left, and you're moving house this weekend. This seems like a stressful time for you. Would it help if I needed a completely new transmission?" And then the car made a noise of the kind that you hope not to hear from the stall next to you in a public toilet and suddenly we were stationary at a stop sign, not in the Hurrah, I'm Safety Conscious way, more in the Thank You Strangers for Pushing Me Round the Corner way. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I learned three things from the car incident:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">1. How to steer a car when it is being pushed (apparently you do not have the handbrake on)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">2. How much it costs to replace a transmission (it costs man-at-garage-says-'are-you-sitting-down' amount, and the exact number works out at somewhere </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">between 'shit' and 'fucking cunting fuck')</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">3. That when the engine light comes on, and HB says "Just book it in for a service on Monday", <i>you do not listen to him.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Section Two: My New House</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I have a new flat, and there is no-one else in it! Taking nothing away from how much I miss HB and would very much like to be still living with him, this is <i>ridiculously fucking delightful.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s93Md-Pz3vo/VNmpb9kKsYI/AAAAAAAACPE/oKPS_ppdMTs/s1600/photo%2B2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s93Md-Pz3vo/VNmpb9kKsYI/AAAAAAAACPE/oKPS_ppdMTs/s1600/photo%2B2.JPG" height="640" width="476" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Note the lack of other people. I'm not sure who left that whisky there.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I love it. I love that I can come home and know that there won't be anyone else there and everything will be where I left it and if I want to get into pyjamas at 6pm and watch Masterchef in bed for four hours then BY GOD I CAN. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I love that nobody has broken my good paring knife by using it to unjam the paper shredder and I can put art** up on the walls without anyone saying THAT IS SHIT ART TAKE IT AWAY and the internet won't suddenly disappear because paying bills is apparently for chumps and no-one has drunk all the milk whilst simultaneously pouring grape juice under the fridge as a surprise for another day and the couch hasn't been taken outside for airing in the rain and there aren't any hungover strangers on the couch and <i>holy shit, you guys, living by yourself is the best.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Yxx4XbSJG-I/VNmsSMlsrbI/AAAAAAAACPQ/veKsBBWamUs/s1600/photo%2B5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Yxx4XbSJG-I/VNmsSMlsrbI/AAAAAAAACPQ/veKsBBWamUs/s1600/photo%2B5.JPG" height="400" width="360" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">NO SIR PERHAPS IT'S YOU WHO IS THE SHIT ART</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Living by oneself has many, many exhilarating highs, like when you find the PERFECT place for your toothbrush cup, and goodness me it looks delightful this is practically a show home and I wonder when Home & Garden magazine are going to call perhaps I should realign the bathmat-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- and it also has many devastating lows, like when you realise that actually you haven't found the perfect place for your toothbrush cup after all, and also, your toothbrush has fallen out the window.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Part Three: Learning Things</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Living by yourself also poses a new, unique set of Things To Learn. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Being in a relationship for years and then suddenly not-being in a relationship is a weird transition, especially when the person you used to ask important questions of - questions like "is it better, from a safety angle, to use the four-plug with the bent prong or the four-plug that I spilt the whisky on?" - is suddenly Not There, and you have to assess the risk of electrocution </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">all by yourself.</b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FnOR0XLCyeQ/VNmlQSIwIkI/AAAAAAAACOs/BofMurnhBSU/s1600/photo%2B(1).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FnOR0XLCyeQ/VNmlQSIwIkI/AAAAAAAACOs/BofMurnhBSU/s1600/photo%2B(1).JPG" height="303" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Go home four-plug you are drunk</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Luckily I am good at learning things. So far, I have learned the below things:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- How to put up bookshelf</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- How to put up clothes rail, poorly</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- How to connect washing machine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- How to deal with flood</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- How to connect washing machine properl</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">y</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">- How to deal with additional flood</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">- How to tell 'tap fully on' from 'tap fully off'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">- How to perfectly position bucket behind washing machine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- How to amass enormous washing pile because scared of floods</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- How to create interesting, work-appropriate outfits out of bizarre clothing items</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- How to visit launderette down the road.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have also learnt that when you're selecting a flat you gotta look at how much storage it has. This flat, while delightful, has exactly no storage. This is problematic because i</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">f I were a video game character I would have spent my life so far ignoring gaining skills and levelling up in favour of wandering around the map collecting random items and putting them in my backpack.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ogt8FXuUC1A/VNmuZjuaUGI/AAAAAAAACPc/qZxUsW1Qf14/s1600/photo%2B(2).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ogt8FXuUC1A/VNmuZjuaUGI/AAAAAAAACPc/qZxUsW1Qf14/s1600/photo%2B(2).JPG" height="320" width="288" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">But what if I need it for a future quest?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't really have an answer for that issue. I'm just letting you know.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The final thing I've learned is about <i>scales. </i>Weirdly, I've never had a set of scales in any of the houses I've lived in. We bought some so HB could weigh his suitcases and therefore not get kicked out of the airport, or whatever happens when your suitcases are too heavy, and now I have them! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I like having scales. You can do all sorts of interesting things with scales. You can weigh yourself, and then take your shoes off and weigh yourself again, and then you know exactly how much your shoes weigh. And then you can eat a lasagne, and weigh yourself again, and you know exactly how much the <i>lasagne</i> weighs. And you can weigh yourself, and then go to the bathroom, and then you- </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyway. That's fun with scales.</span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://www.benecol.co.uk/sites/default/files/recepie_image/232x174_beef-lasagne.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">430 grams.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I think that's all - apologies for the long, rambling post but there was a lot to get through and I think now we're all up to date with the Life Events shit and can go back to Turkey Tales and Bullshit Work Stories*** and all the other things you know and love.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Here's a picture of me from today because you haven't seen one in a while, and it's nice to imagine what I look like when I am telling the story.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rxBXU2sMd4E/VNmwSjrFYeI/AAAAAAAACPo/7KJBdMW6pJg/s1600/16227_10153102205605746_7658231911832193936_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rxBXU2sMd4E/VNmwSjrFYeI/AAAAAAAACPo/7KJBdMW6pJg/s1600/16227_10153102205605746_7658231911832193936_n.jpg" height="320" width="259" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Imagine this, but with less enthusiasm, and also much prettier.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*<i>I deleted the original footnote but it was about bucket lists.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know why it's called a bucket list but I still think it's a ridiculous term. Also, imagine the impact on people who work in hardware stores and bucket manufacturing centres. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>"Rupert, have you seen Sarah's bucket list?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>"Yes, she shared some of it, she's always really wanted to travel to Europe but never really found the ti-"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>"RUPERT WE NEED TO ORDER MARCH STOCK I REALLY DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>**the watercolours are by Aimee van Essen. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>***the other day I was perhaps a little bored and was sitting at my desk with no shoes on and a pair of chopsticks in my mouth like tusks, waving my feet around and generally being a walrus, when Button walked past and looked at me and said, "Ally. You are a <b>manager</b>" and I felt a little embarrassed, but then sometimes when one is being a walrus it is difficult to remember that one is also being a manager. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-78693687143580443132015-01-07T16:37:00.001+13:002015-01-07T16:44:17.902+13:00Sunrise in Meatopia, and other magnificent products<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So I was going to blog about Turkey and social media and Amazon recommendations and other interesting things, and then I found this elephant that dispenses cigarettes out of its butt, and now nothing else seems quite as important as letting you all know that it is a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Accoutrements-11261-Elephant-Cigarette-Dispenser/dp/B000HJGFJE" target="_blank">product that exists in the world</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/91uj%2BlCekwL._SL1500_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/91uj%2BlCekwL._SL1500_.jpg" height="292" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Someone, somewhere, thought of this and was delighted with themselves.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
There is also a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Accoutrements-Donkey-Novelty-Cigarette-Dispenser/dp/B000HJ7GKQ" target="_blank">donkey version</a>:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/proxy/rU-NenjE95b3PfryVMSAuRktNANKlDGSqfjq2JLfHe4nVpbSqYUq5yyIV4qDl8O1Y6d5CDRlQV5WQZedRGwLhGHm-QDPG32pUw" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41lJOcPm1JL.jpg" height="254" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There is an instant $150 fine for not displaying your anti-pickaxe sign </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
Reviews were favourable: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
"<span style="background-color: white;">It is exactly what it looks like and yes, the cig comes out his butt. Just buy it now and quit messing around."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">"</span><span style="background-color: white;">When company comes [my daughter] offers them a cigarette. Holding the donkey she pulls on the ear, the tail raises up and a cigarette comes out of the tail. What a wonderful gift."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">WHAT A WONDERFUL GIFT, INDEED.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">Obviously I have ordered one. I will let you know when it arrives.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">While I was in the area (the Internet has areas) I thought I'd see what other magnificent products the makers of of this cigarette-pooping menagerie produce. I was not disappointed. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">
</span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b style="background-color: white;">Instant Audience:</b></span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/71YorIkkqCL._SL1500_.jpg" height="400" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Again, someone came up with this product, and was proud.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/71YorIkkqCL._SL1500_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"></span></a></div>
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Function: </b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Makes noise of many people clapping. Or booing. Depending on which button you press.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b>Reviews: </b>Generally positive. "</span><span style="background-color: white;">Very entertaining. I can think of four more people I want to get this for."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b>Do I need this product? </b>Yes. Yes I do. I need this so that when I am in a meeting, and Nigel is also in the meeting, and Nigel and I are having a spirited discussion about best distribution of resource or some other meetingy bollocks, I can wait until he says "Can I get some buy-in on this? Photographs of company hats are <i>clearly</i> the best use of the email space!" and then I can push the 'BOO' button and pretend it wasn't me. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">There is also an 'Emergency Horse Noises' version, which would come in handy in meetings too -</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">Rupert from Marketing, approaching the whiteboard: "Let's establish the key business priorities coming into Q3-" </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">*horse noise*</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Me: "Was that a horse? We'd better go outside."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">MEETING ADJOURNED, MOTHERFUCKERS.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: large;"><b>Inflatable Beard of Bees:</b></span></span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51FjkoCKACL.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Inflatable beard of bees.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51FjkoCKACL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Function: </b> 'None of the danger of using real bees.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
<b>Reviews: </b>Mixed. Common theme is that bee pattern looks like puke, and product is not as attractive to women as first expected.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
"<span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; line-height: 19px;">The fact that someone was able to sell this idea to any company (even a novelty products company) and have it go through an actual production run is a herculean feat of nihilistic excess."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">"I</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; line-height: 19px;">t's so bafflingly, mindnumbingly stupid that I would be wary of being in the same vicinity of anyone who's malfunctioning brain told them that this product was worth more to them than having an extra 10 US American dollars."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #111111;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">"</span></span><span style="background-color: white;">This bee beard is a joke, I wore it to the annual beekeepers festival and was the laughing stock of the whole place."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b>Do I need this product? </b>I'm going to go with 'probably not'.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: large;"><b>'Sunrise in Meatopia' puzzle</b></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51%2BQOuKuRDL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"></span></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn3.nerdapproved.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/sunrise-in-meatopia-puzzle.jpg?874fb4" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn3.nerdapproved.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/sunrise-in-meatopia-puzzle.jpg?874fb4" height="289" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"so what do you do?" "well actually I'm an artist"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Function:</b> It is a jigsaw puzzle of a pastoral landscape made entirely of meat.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b>Reviews: </b> No reviews! I don't know why there are no reviews, this is a magnificent product. And yet, no-one has taken the time to give feedback on the hot dog cabin with the pepperoni roof. No-one has described their delight at the sausage canoe floating on the lake of gravy. This is a jigsaw that includes a bacon waterfall! Why the fuck have more people not bought this.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b>Do I need this product? </b> Honestly, if this was an artwork and not a puzzle, I would have already purchased it to display proudly in my living room. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Set of Ten Finger Hands Finger Puppets</span></b></span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51JhfQ2Ey3L._SL1001_.jpg" height="400" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">hey bob do you think we can get finger into the product name one more time</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51JhfQ2Ey3L._SL1001_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b>Function: </b>Nope. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b>Reviews: </b>There are no reviews, because no-one in their right mind would buy this abomination.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b>Do I need this product? </b>Fuck this product. Buy the cigarette-pooping elephant instead.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cccccc;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">All images from Amazon.com.</span></i></span>
</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<!-- Blogger automated replacement: "https://images-blogger-opensocial.googleusercontent.com/gadgets/proxy?url=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F41lJOcPm1JL.jpg&container=blogger&gadget=a&rewriteMime=image%2F*" with "https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/proxy/rU-NenjE95b3PfryVMSAuRktNANKlDGSqfjq2JLfHe4nVpbSqYUq5yyIV4qDl8O1Y6d5CDRlQV5WQZedRGwLhGHm-QDPG32pUw" -->IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-57060202288289679242015-01-04T09:00:00.000+13:002015-01-04T09:00:01.115+13:00Turkey Tales: The Trees Have Eyes. Also, a story about a dog.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This post is really the last part of yesterday's post, but first, let's have a story about a bus trip and a dog. It is a story from Turkey (I promise that one day we will return to stories from not-Turkey, but today will not be that day).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyway - this</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> is a story about the bus trip from</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"> Istanbul to Ayvalik. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-onUayCM2DzE/VKc9YFdJDOI/AAAAAAAACM8/0U2D0vzX3Do/s1600/IMG_0267.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-onUayCM2DzE/VKc9YFdJDOI/AAAAAAAACM8/0U2D0vzX3Do/s1600/IMG_0267.JPG" height="426" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is Istanbul, so you can imagine it while I am telling the story.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">Turkish buses are good. They are set up like a plane; the seats are numbered and you have a little television to watch and every so often the bus conductor comes along and gives you a small snack, or a cup of tea. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">The cup of tea usually arrives as the bus is careening around a bend at Turkish miles per hour, and the bus conductor, who is young and enthusiastic and has so far hopped off the bus on three occasions to have a cigarette, lurches from side to side and pours boiling water into the teacups, and he is holding two in one hand because that is how he rolls, and all of the time he is grinning at you maniacally as if to say "my face may be the last face you see, but at least I am smiling!"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">Anyway. T</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">wo hours into the bus trip the conductor came and tapped me on the shoulder and mimed "do you have an iPhone charger". </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">I was using my iPad so it wasn't a particularly difficult mime. I mimed back, "yes but it's in my suitcase which is in the belly of your bus" which was a more challenging mime. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">The bus conductor looked disappointed in me and continued down the bus and I returned to peeking at the guy in front of me's Clash of Clans village (it was not as good as my village) and I thought no more of it, and we continued on towards Ayvalik. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mxFPIxSx_YA/VKc_9I7mHHI/AAAAAAAACNM/xD-AWJSGP4Q/s1600/IMG_1272.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mxFPIxSx_YA/VKc_9I7mHHI/AAAAAAAACNM/xD-AWJSGP4Q/s1600/IMG_1272.JPG" height="426" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is Ayvalik, so you can imagine it while I am telling the story.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">Two minutes later the bus conductor, now very agitated, reappeared and tapped me on the shoulder and repeated the mime about the phone charger and beckoned me out of my seat and up to the front of the bus, at which point the bus driver braked abruptly and pulled over </span><i style="line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">on the side of the three-lane highway which didn't really have any room to pull over on </i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">and the conductor and I very quickly got out of the bus.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">The conductor, very excited at this point, scooted round the side of the bus and opened the luggage compartment and I pulled out my suitcase and found my charger and looked back into the luggage compartment -</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">And behind the place where my suitcase had been was a dog in a cardboard box. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">The box was just the right size for the dog. It was as if he had been purchased in the box and not fully unwrapped from his packaging. His head was out a hole in the front, and his tail was out another hole in the back, and he had been wedged in between other pieces of luggage to stop him bouncing around during the journey. He looked delighted. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">I looked at the conductor and then looked back at the dog. The conductor also looked at the dog. Together, on the side of the highway, we stood and looked at the dog.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">And then the bus driver yelled something in Turkish and we quickly got back on the bus and my iPhone cable was very useful and eventually we ended up in Ayvalik, but next time I get off a bus in transit in Turkey, I will take my camera with me, in case there is another dog.</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">ANYWAY.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">In </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;">G</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">ö</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;">reme, Town of Fairy Chimneys, there was a tree with eyes. It was near the Open-Air Museum, which is a collection of 10th and 11th century cave churches, and is also a World Heritage Site. The museum looks like this: </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fr3sf_px3s4/VKcr9f0QoAI/AAAAAAAACKw/NFQC-IwjiRs/s1600/IMG_2389.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fr3sf_px3s4/VKcr9f0QoAI/AAAAAAAACKw/NFQC-IwjiRs/s1600/IMG_2389.JPG" height="426" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"please do not inhabit the artworks"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The cave churches are amazing if you are into cave churches, which I wasn't when I started, and then I was for about 45 minutes, and then abruptly I wasn't again. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Also it was too hot and I was very hungry and now I feel bad for underappreciating a World Heritage Site.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Maybe you would like to appreciate it?</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HMxEZjXClSo/VKdHquIV-II/AAAAAAAACNw/pVJoNeZVoX8/s1600/churches.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HMxEZjXClSo/VKdHquIV-II/AAAAAAAACNw/pVJoNeZVoX8/s1600/churches.png" height="468" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Probably not what T-Pain had in mind</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Right, that is enough appreciation. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Once we were World Heritaged out, we walked back into </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;">G</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">ö</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;">reme, and on the way we passed three trees, all covered with different things. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;">It was like a weird fairytale where at every tree you expect a themed gnome to pop out and set you a tree-related challenge, although of course this didn't happen, which was slightly disappointing.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;">The first tree made vague sense. It was outside a pottery shop, and it was covered with pots:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-or5rw5gzPDQ/VKdFoYk_hrI/AAAAAAAACNk/FfKzvVu-VMw/s1600/IMG_2437.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-or5rw5gzPDQ/VKdFoYk_hrI/AAAAAAAACNk/FfKzvVu-VMw/s1600/IMG_2437.JPG" height="640" width="448" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Let us be glad that it wasn't outside a brothel.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The second tree was covered with plastic bags and made no sense at all:</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k64HZk8twUQ/VKcsGO0EhgI/AAAAAAAACLM/jAn661_LZVs/s1600/IMG_2442.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k64HZk8twUQ/VKcsGO0EhgI/AAAAAAAACLM/jAn661_LZVs/s1600/IMG_2442.JPG" height="426" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">THEY'LL COME IN HANDY ONE DAY LOVE</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And the third tree was covered with eyes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eKhC-hm_25I/VKcsF9sCFVI/AAAAAAAACLU/qxykksgxGkU/s1600/IMG_2439.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eKhC-hm_25I/VKcsF9sCFVI/AAAAAAAACLU/qxykksgxGkU/s1600/IMG_2439.JPG" height="426" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The eyes are amulets called </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">nazar, </i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">which </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">p</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">rotect against the 'evil eye'. They're absolutely everywhere in Turkey - on necklaces, over the doors of shops and houses, painted on buses, in every single souvenir shop. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This was the only time I saw them on a tree.</span><br />
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3-a1jHULNss/VKdDasUmucI/AAAAAAAACNY/Gb3KC5GhWMQ/s1600/IMG_2440.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3-a1jHULNss/VKdDasUmucI/AAAAAAAACNY/Gb3KC5GhWMQ/s1600/IMG_2440.JPG" height="640" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And that is the story. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The story about the dog was better, and for this, I apologise.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 25.5px;">All images © 2014 Ally Mullord unless otherwise stated. </span></span></i>IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-80173310631178511352015-01-03T13:48:00.001+13:002015-01-03T15:33:25.997+13:00Göreme, Cappadocia: Fairy Chimneys and Trees with Eyes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hello everyone! Happy 2015. Let's see if I can produce more than four posts this year.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Today's Turkey Tale is about </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Cappadocia, which is a region in Turkey that sounds like something Starbucks might have on their Christmas menu* but is actually Hot Air Balloon Central, and Fairy Chimney Central. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Wikipedia says Cappadocia is 'moon-like', presumably because of all the balloons. Wikipedia does not go to the moon often.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">*</span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">it is a cappuccino with chocolate hail on top and it plays Silent Night when you drink it</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Fairy Chimneys are rock formations! Their proper geological name, given that 'Fairy Chimneys' is somewhat fanciful, is 'Hoodoos'. They are also referred to as 'Goblins' and 'Tent Rocks' because apparently when these were first discovered all of the geologists were slightly drunk.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">G</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">ö</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">reme</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">, the town we stayed in, is so hoodoofull that they're incorporated into the town itself: </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-M8iBMu-dwNY/VKcr4pufilI/AAAAAAAACKo/TNmBgtdkuZA/s1600/IMG_2354.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-M8iBMu-dwNY/VKcr4pufilI/AAAAAAAACKo/TNmBgtdkuZA/s1600/IMG_2354.JPG" height="640" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photographer too impatient to wait for man to move his car.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And between the hoodoos and the ever-present balloons it makes for a really weird skyline.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-i5YvBJcnsHA/VKcsN86LmRI/AAAAAAAACLw/OWWcXAOaskY/s1600/IMG_1533.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-i5YvBJcnsHA/VKcsN86LmRI/AAAAAAAACLw/OWWcXAOaskY/s1600/IMG_1533.JPG" height="640" width="478" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Not the Moon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The picture below is completely unscenic but is one of my favourites because of the story behind it; on our first day in </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">G</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">ö</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">reme, Mum and I were walking down to the centre of town when this door opened and a ridiculously old Turkish woman came out and beckoned at us. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Come," she said, "come come come!" </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GFExs2uYlOE/VKcsNQdOA2I/AAAAAAAACLs/pqyUlr5IvJM/s1600/IMG_1521.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GFExs2uYlOE/VKcsNQdOA2I/AAAAAAAACLs/pqyUlr5IvJM/s1600/IMG_1521.JPG" height="428" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">come come come come come</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So Mum and I were ushered through the blue door into the woman's house, where she promptly disappeared and then returned with cups of tea and a bowl of raisins she'd dried herself. She spoke hardly any English. Mum whispered that she wasn't sure about eating the raisins but I didn't want to be rude and in the pursuit of politeness ate far too many raisins and later felt slightly ill. </span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">While we were debating the merits of the raisins the woman </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">disappeared again and reappeared with a small box of handmade jewellery that looked more or less like this -</span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4gVL2QjaJlg/VKc1R-ya4hI/AAAAAAAACMs/OeYe3P7Cw74/s1600/bracelet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4gVL2QjaJlg/VKc1R-ya4hI/AAAAAAAACMs/OeYe3P7Cw74/s1600/bracelet.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">image from: http://item.rakuten.co.jp/kilims/in232/</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">- and it was at this point that she smiled triumphantly and started tying jewellery on us and saying, "Nice, yes? Nice!" until Mum and I had bought a sufficient amount of jewellery, at which point we were promptly ushered back out to the street and the blue door closed behind us. Well played, Turkish lady. Well played.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The next day we went to a town near </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">G</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">ö</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">reme that I have completely forgotten the name of, but which had a) many fairy chimneys and b) many onyx factories. We climbed up a hill in the midday sun, which was about as much fun as you imagine, except that you are also carrying several kilograms of unnecessary onyx tat. </span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It was scenic though.</span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GUC0NGKtvf8/VKcsMCDn3SI/AAAAAAAACLk/h3gSBNXN1z0/s1600/IMG_1471.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GUC0NGKtvf8/VKcsMCDn3SI/AAAAAAAACLk/h3gSBNXN1z0/s1600/IMG_1471.JPG" height="478" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Notice how the one on the left looks like a roaring face.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">S</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">ome of the chimneys here had been converted into houses, and for about half an hour my new life goal was "move to Cappadocia and live in fairy chimney and become ridiculously old Turkish woman" until I was distracted by something else and also realised that probably it's hard to get a good Internet connection inside of a fairy chimney. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8DSadMObVVo/VKcsL1jnDOI/AAAAAAAACME/g8_wKk69PAk/s1600/IMG_1494.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8DSadMObVVo/VKcsL1jnDOI/AAAAAAAACME/g8_wKk69PAk/s1600/IMG_1494.JPG" height="478" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"help officer I have locked myself out of my fairy chimney" "again?" "yes"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We walked back to </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">G</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #545454; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">ö</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">reme, which I have to copy+paste each time I say it so that it has the little dots over the O, through the White Valley and the Love Valley. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The Love Valley is called that because all of the fairy chimneys in it are in a particular shape:</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tyHdIL5gXPk/VKcsLyGzz7I/AAAAAAAACLg/IEKGNUP5Cqg/s1600/IMG_1515.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tyHdIL5gXPk/VKcsLyGzz7I/AAAAAAAACLg/IEKGNUP5Cqg/s1600/IMG_1515.JPG" height="640" width="478" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dicks. They are in the shape of dicks.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We also walked down the White Valley, which is white and which I did not take any interesting photos of, and it was here that I saw the turkey in Turkey, which I know you've all been waiting for.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The turkey<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">² was at a cafe in the valley - the only cafe in the valley, from memory. You walk for 30 minutes through the valley, with absolutely nothing manmade in sight, and then bam! Cafe. Complete with tables in the river, because <i>tables in the river. </i></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Tryp7RQ7uH4/VKcsPBV5hdI/AAAAAAAACMA/mfNxNBMl01M/s1600/IMG_1558.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Tryp7RQ7uH4/VKcsPBV5hdI/AAAAAAAACMA/mfNxNBMl01M/s1600/IMG_1558.JPG" height="640" width="478" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Islands in the stream. That is what they are.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">Other tourists had got there first and we didn't get to sit on the tables in the river, but that was ok because:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_7kgDqDI7gI/VKcsPrur1II/AAAAAAAACMI/JYL9P4mxjkE/s1600/IMG_1562.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_7kgDqDI7gI/VKcsPrur1II/AAAAAAAACMI/JYL9P4mxjkE/s1600/IMG_1562.JPG" height="640" width="478" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">TURKEYS IN TURKEYS, FOR YOU.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><i>p.s. - I just remembered I forgot to add the trees with eyes. They will have to be a story for another time.</i></span></span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 25.5px;">All images © 2014 Ally Mullord unless otherwise stated. </span></span></i><br />
<br />IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-45660313122480525542014-10-19T13:44:00.002+13:002016-12-15T16:48:18.953+13:00Balloons Over Cappadocia<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Turkey was <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">fantastic </span>and I had far too many adventures to cover them all in one post, so I'll start off with the balloon ride over Cappadocia (it's what I took the fewest photos of <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">and</span> is therefore the easiest to organise). </span><br />
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All the photos in this post are taken by Me; if you want to use them for desktop backgrounds or site images or to tell lies about having been to Turkey or whatever, send me an email and I'll probably be all "<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">sweet</span>, here is the high res version" unless you are going to make money from them, in which case you can give me some money also. </span></i></span></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">***</span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Every morning<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> 300 </span>hot air balloons go up over the town of G<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">ö</span>reme, in 100-ballo<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">on shifts</span>; it's the main tourist attraction in the area (the town has a population of 2500, and normally supports the same amount of tourists). </span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">wa</span>s the view from our hotel balcony<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, as the first balloons <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">of the morning</span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">g<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">o up</span>:</span></span></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="475" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_xYajfM7u0k/VEL8gbT5hOI/AAAAAAAACKI/-Z4g8QLSK3g/s1600/photo%2B(1).JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="640" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"Well, Jim, it looks like this morning's weather is mostly balloons."</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">On the morning o<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">f our flight we were picked up at 6am and taken</span> to The Field of Sleeping Balloons<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, w<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">hich is</span></span> probably not actually called that<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">. T</span>his is<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span>the take-off site for the majority of </span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">G<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">ö</span>reme<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">'s balloon touris<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">m</span> operators<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">; </span>a vast paddoc<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">k with <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">rows and <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">rows of deflated hot air balloons<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, one by one <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">firing</span> up and <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">gradually skewing </span>upright. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">W</span>e were dropped off next to our balloon of choice - we went with <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">local company </span>Royal Balloons and I would highly recommend them for next time you need to do some ballooning<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> - and t</span>he pilot <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">and </span>technician<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">s professionally, if somewhat unroma<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ntically,</span></span> inflated the balloon by the bright light of a Hilux:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LnWkRmg55jo/VEL6CEeP4LI/AAAAAAAACJI/ECmj92ET1Ms/s1600/IMG_2454.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LnWkRmg55jo/VEL6CEeP4LI/AAAAAAAACJI/ECmj92ET1Ms/s1600/IMG_2454.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The balloon basket held 20, sectioned into four parts; I ended up in the middle, next to the pilot. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This had the added benefit that right before taking this photo, I got to turn on the gas and <i>effectively drive the balloon</i> for about three seconds. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-glk3s6vYcIw/VEL6B9xfORI/AAAAAAAACJE/515YjW6d23s/s1600/IMG_2464.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-glk3s6vYcIw/VEL6B9xfORI/AAAAAAAACJE/515YjW6d23s/s1600/IMG_2464.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because we'd launched at the same time as 99 other balloons, there was an immense amount of balloon traffic. If you want to go and look at the scenery of Cappadocia I recommend you do not do this from a balloon, because all you will see is more balloon.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">W</span></span></span>e flew down a valley in a sort of a balloon convoy. "Let's see if we can make our balloon kiss that balloon!" said the pilot, as our balloon crept up closer to the next balloon in the line. You will be <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">reli<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">eved to know that this did not happen. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MjbShbYmVNY/VEL6q6LsXbI/AAAAAAAACJk/Yi170PXfc1o/s1600/IMG_2502.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MjbShbYmVNY/VEL6q6LsXbI/AAAAAAAACJk/Yi170PXfc1o/s1600/IMG_2502.JPG" width="425" /></span></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The vans you can see on the road are all tourist minibuses; the balloons create an immense amount of traffic in the morning. All 100 balloons land in more or less the same area; as a result you have 2 minibuses + 1 4WD per balloon, all frantically hooning around the landscape in an attempt to be ready and waiting when their balloon lands.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CjVRcRvW1CY/VEL6qzMVdkI/AAAAAAAACJo/nGkBiYJ0g9A/s1600/IMG_2510.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CjVRcRvW1CY/VEL6qzMVdkI/AAAAAAAACJo/nGkBiYJ0g9A/s1600/IMG_2510.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Halfway through our trip an older British tourist said loudly, "I heard that the <i>really good pilots</i> can land the balloon right on the back of the truck!" and our pilot visibly bristled and said something in Turkish into his radio - </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">- and then when we came into land, he set the balloon down neatly onto the bed of the Hilux.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0CY-XDV4P5o/VEL6tqL_igI/AAAAAAAACJ4/QVYd_vnAfSQ/s1600/IMG_2578.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0CY-XDV4P5o/VEL6tqL_igI/AAAAAAAACJ4/QVYd_vnAfSQ/s1600/IMG_2578.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Once we landed, bubbly appeared, the pilot came round and tucked a flower behind everyone's ear, we had a celebratory drink...</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And then we went home for breakfast.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #999999; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 25.5px;">All images © 2014 Ally Mullord unless otherwise stated. </span></span></i>IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12751012.post-20050269413742925222014-10-19T13:28:00.001+13:002015-01-03T15:34:15.769+13:00A Magnificent Pun<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hello everyone! To save time, just imagine this is a paragraph containing a creative excuse for not blogging for months, and a promise to blog more frequently. This will bring me to a grand total of three posts this year which, if you consider me as a penpal from the 1870s, writing from overseas and sending letters by steamship, is not too bad.</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Today we have: some photos from Turkey, a brief update on my life, and a magnificent pun. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Update: This post got long and text-heavy and so the Turkey photos will be in the next post, and that way those of you who are into words can read this one, and those of you who are into pictures can read (?) the other one, and those of you who are just into me in general can read both.</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><u>A Magnificent Pun</u></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><u><br /></u></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The other week HB was sick. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">He woke up from a night of coughing and tossing and turning, sat up, and took a massive swig from a Coke can that had been sitting on the windowsill for several days. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Unfortunately the Coke can was full of ants.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Once HB had finished spitting the mouthful of ants out the window, </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">and I'd been suitably sympathetic, I said:</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I guess at least it'll stop you being sick... because now you're <i>full of antibodies!"</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">HB was less impressed than I anticipated. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">***</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have on my desk a wicker duck, and from time to time I fill him up with candy for the team to eat. For obvious reasons, his name is Mr Wickerquacker. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Last week I filled him with mini Bounty bars.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Me, serious face: "I think I might have to leave town for a bit..."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Colleague: "Why?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Me, delighted: "There is a Bounty on my head!"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And then I put a candy bar on my head and laughed uproariously and then </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">HB said "time for you to do some work" and also "you are not allowed outside any more" and I had to be quiet and do my revenue forecasting. No one appreciates me.</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><u>A Brief Update on My Life</u></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's still mostly work, except for the part where I was in Turkey, which we shall get to presently. I'm still doing boss stuff, which is just like regular stuff except the problems are more interesting and/or frequent. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Here are some Boss Problems</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">™ that I have encountered recently:</span></span></div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Have to go to important meeting. Forget about important meeting, wear t-shirt with a pony on it.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">In important meeting, people keep saying 'EBITDA'. Is pronounced "Eee-b't-DAAHH" and I don't know what it is*. Know it is something serious and financials-related but this is the first time I've heard it and I can't stop thinking 'Ee bah gum'. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">We are on a massive deadline and the team <i>will not stop talking about farts</i> (there is no way to make a team stop talking about farts until they are good and ready to stop talking about farts)</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19.2000007629395px;"><span style="line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Ask for feedback in team meeting. </span><span style="line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Colleague says, accusingly: "You have not filled the duck." </span></span></span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Which reminds me - see you in another 6 months, have to fill the duck.</span></span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">Earnings before interest, tax, depreciation and amortization. You only find out what amortization is on the day you receive your accounting degree, during your induction into secret accounting society. I suspect it is the official term for the sacrificial ritual used to appease the spirit of EBITDA**, but am not sure, because am not accountant.</span></span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><i>** High Priest: "Oh great EBITDA, please accept the amortizated blood of this humble salesperson as a token of our devotion. May your spreadsheet be ever in the green." <br />Congregation: "May your spreadsheet be ever in the green."</i></span></span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
<div>
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
IT IS ALLYhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07854190246186613066noreply@blogger.com1