Wednesday, August 01, 2012

50 Shades of Crap

Have you guys read 50 Shades of Grey?  I haven't because someone told me that apparently you can find porn with pictures right here on the Internet.  

Anyway, last week we sold a similar book called Bared to You and I read a bit, because of market research: I shan't reproduce it all here, but you should probably know before you read it that the author rather favours the word cleft.  Here is some.

He sank into an elegant crouch directly in front of me. Hit with all that exquisite masculinity at eye level, I could only stare.  Stunned.   Then something shifted in the air between us. 

As he stared back, he altered . . . as if a shield slid away from his eyes, revealing a scorching force of will that sucked the air from my lungs. The intense magnetism he exuded grew in strength, becoming a near-tangible impression of vibrant and unrelenting power."

Good, isn't it?  NO.  

"He altered, as if a shield slid away from his eyes, revealing a scorching force of will that sucked the air from my lungs."  Oh yeah, I totally had a moment like that in the car this morning, except it turned out that HB had just shoved a whole Berocca in his mouth and was gearing up to burp Berocca fumes at me.  

Anyway - as I was reading this and trying not to barf in my mouth, I realised three things:  a) this is just Mills & Boon with a better cover and a title that isn't "The Italian Billionaire's Secretary Mistress*" and b) anyone could write this! and c) I probably shouldn't be reading this in the office.

So to that end, I have made an Erotic Fiction Plot Generator, so you can write the book and be the millionaire.  Simply select your favourite word in italicised Trebuchet as you read, to complete the plot. I'm sorry about the formatting, but I can't figure out a better way to present it.

Note: Female character's name should be slightly unusual and very feminine; can also be old-fashioned, while staying on the right side of Mildred.  Male character's name should be suited to a British lawyer: upper-class, faintly menacing, and never one syllable.  


Violet meets the reader in a generic scene, where we learn that she is talented/successful/passionate/independent yet naive/underconfident/clumsy/disorganised, albeit in a winsome and charming way.

She moves to a new job/city/stage of her life, metaphorically speaking and on her first day in her new environment, literally/figuratively bumps into Raphael, who is far more sophisticated/powerful/worldly/rich/royal than her.

Through a series of startlingly predictable events,Violet and Raphael are inevitably drawn to one another.   While Raphael is not particularly compassionate/generous/sensitive/kind, he is very sexy.

Violet and Raphael totally bone, which you ideally want to happen by about chapter 4 so that nobody gets bored and stops reading.  They have sex in ways which Violet finds surprising/unusual/downright bizarre,yet strangely enjoyable.

As their relationship deepens, Violet discovers that Raphael's negative behaviour does not in fact stem from anger/cruelty/disdain/blatant douchebaggery, but is instead the product of pain caused by his Dark Past.

Only Violet's innocence is able to heal the Dark Past Pain. Raphael resists, but not for particularly long.  They have sex every half a chapter so that nobody gets bored and stops reading.

Violet is able to help Raphael grow emotionally as he has helped her grow sexually, and they all live happily ever after.


But the important thing, of course, is that you put in lots of filth.

I'm not sure how to finish this post, so here's a picture of the man we drove to work behind the other day:


*'The Italian Billionaire's Secretary Mistress' is a real book and I will bet you 10 percent of your pending royalties that it is better than 'Bared To You.'


Unknown said...

Oh my god. I had to google it, but it is, it's a real book.

Helen Vivienne Fletcher said...

I ran into one of my former school teachers the other day, and when I told her some of my books had been published, she asked if they were like the Fifty Shades of Grey books. I write picture books for preschoolers, and my nickname is Ridiculously Naive Girl. Erotica written by me would just be depressing.

hungryandfrozen said...


Must work out how to use "on the right side of Mildred" in day-to-day conversation.

sophie rosalind said...

The only good thing about 50 shades of crap is the twitter parody accounts. My fave is '50 shades of Andy Gray'. Andy Gray is an ex-football pundit, massive sleaze and was fired from Sky Sports for making sexist comments to the laydeez. 50 shades of Andy Gray can be enjoyed here:
It is funnier if you've seen him live or have mild knowledge of British football, but it's funny anyway. And probably better written than the book, which I refuse to read.

Christina said...

For some reason that reminds me of your Mills and Boon attempt. With pirates! Which was hilarious and totally whups 50 types of crap out of... I've already forgotten the title of the book you're writing about. I think if Dan Brown tried to right erotica, that's what he'd end up with *shudders*

@50ShedsOfGrey is great fun to read, too (and with that typical Kiwi slant).

Christina said...

Or if Dan Brown tried to write erotica, even. Apparently my brain was all "heh heh heh, the book is a heavy object that's fallen over and Dan Brown has to right it", and my fingers carried on regardless.