It has been Christmas and now it is not Christmas anymore for a WHOLE YEAR. (Although in Just Jeans today I did take a Christmas photo for the staff, who wore Santa hats and clustered around the dressing room mirror and said things like "We were just so busy yesterday!" and "It seems to go faster every year!" and "Just push the little button on the top.") Only in Nelson, huh? On that note (bad pun here), saw a busker today (smallish girl with violin) who had a sign saying "Am Saving For A Pony."
See, in Wellington, that would be ironic.
Am staying with Dad. Dad was Santa for some store or other over the Christmas period, and made several witty (and festive) remarks to passing couples, the best of which was to an elderly man and his wife ("Remember when you asked for that gorgeous brunette? You never said thanks." -wife giggles-). A passer-by overheard this and wrote into the local paper, they were so impressed! We were also dutifully impressed until it turned out that lo! 'passerby' had been Dad.
Family Christmas dinner in Christchurch was much as expected, apart from v strange ten minutes where I mentioned my job in passing ("So how's Wellington going?") and everyone was Very Interested and we spent a good ten minutes talking about Eftpos machines over the turkey (rather than talking turkey over the eftpos machine). Other highlights included my sister revealing that her boyfriend had dyed his armpit hair blonde (and then defending to the death his right to do so), and my smaller cousin revealing she had worms. Truly a festive occasion.
Also I have bought a bikini, following a grade-A tantrum in the mall (this is in preparation for BrisbanD - if I'm going to be poncing around the beach in a bikini I thought I'd better buy one. It cost a shitload. It probably worked out at $5 a centimetre, or something, but at least now I won't have to ponce around naked (although depending on how things pan out with the Thing, I could- NO!)) Not having to ponce around naked is a good thing, surely?
And tonight my older sister and I are going to go and sample the delights of Nelson's nightlife. Suspect these delights will be limited but such is life. Am not sure whether to blend in with the locals (most of whom look like Britney post-well, everything) or to be an Individual. Also need to buy cigarettes and beer. Cigarettes and beer, cigarettes and beer. Will now transpose beer song
(to the tune of If I Only Had A Brain, from thewizardofoz).
I could while away the hours, conversing with the flowers and whatever else is near
I'd be charming, I'd be witty, and my day would be less shitty
If I only had a beer.
I could dance the Hokey Pokey and warble karaoke devoid of shame or fear
I'd be charming, I'd be funny, I would not have any money
If I only had a beer.
And I could have a pie, at three a.m. or four
And I'd drop a lot of it upon the floor, and then I'd walk into the door!
Life would be less dull and dreary if I were pissed and leery, to me that much is clear
I'd be witty, I'd be charming, I could shag someone alarming
If I only had a beer!
Why would you stand around the kitchen, a'moaning and a'bitchin' cause the weather isn't fine
When you could be oh so happy and your day would be less crappy
If you only had a wine.
You could dance around in stockings, pretend your life you're rocking, and your nose would redly shine
How I wish we had some vino, we could have a proper beano
If we only had some wine.
We'd down our drinks in town, 'twould be a glorious lark
I'd converse with someone tall and cute and dark, and then wake up in Churton Park!
I would not be glum and cranky, with hair and clothes all manky, no, I'd border on divine
Full of confidence and grace, with makeup smeared across my face,
If I only had a wine!
So let's stumble down to Shooters, I might get out my hooters and fall off my high-heeled shoes
And my poise would be rewarded in a way completely sordid
If I only had some booze!
And when I've created messes, blaming drinking to excesses my behaviour does excuse
So come on, let your feelings true show, I'll declare my love for Hugo
If I only had some booze!
To me, sobriety is something found in church
So, for the meaning of all life now let us search - from bar to bar I wish to lurch!
When you find your life you're hating, your job is sent from Satan, well darling that's not news
So to the bar let's get our asses and fill up our stolen glasses
With a little bit of booze!
It really works rather better as a duet. Do you think Festive Lettuce is a good band name?
Showing posts with label Nelson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nelson. Show all posts
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Saturday Afternoon Fever
I haven't got it, but it isn't saturday night yet.
I went on another date with myself last night (maybe on the next one I'll put out!...that is so wrong). Went to a classy cocktail bar and drank classy cocktails and chatted with the classy barstaff and read my classy book. I felt classy. It was very nice but I spent money, which is a bit naughty. Speaking of, one of the people living in this house (and there are only Dad and I, and I doubt it was me) left a pack of gingernuts sitting about overnight and now they have gone SOFT and SOGGY. Blast. I realise that dipping them in my tes makes them soft and soggy anyway, but that's beside the point, isn't it.
Barb's Nephew Tim (he of the good looks, socks & sandals and clandestine Coro St. watching) has expressed interest in taking me out for a drink. Wheedled my number off Barb (bollocking Barb). I'm bored enough to go for a drink with him this week- and he is a nice person, I am just highly judgmental- so watch this space for news of the Romance of the Century! in Nelson.
News news news...I don't think I really have any. Andrea and I are discussing being stuck inside the head of a particularly pretenscscsious (is it an s or a c? i put several of each because i wasn't sure) acquaintance of ours, who shall remain nameless. We have decided that it would be like being trapped in a horribly amateurish attempt at a Surrealist painting, with wonky clocks, dripping with PRETENSION. Pretension looks like golden syrup and smells like burnt toast and is dripping from every surface inside the head of this person who shall remain nameless (not Hugo, he escapes in this post, but after a Think in the Grapes I have come to the conclusion that he is still the Antichrist- I am going to have to smite him! That is not a dirty euphemism. Andrea has dubbed me Thorog the Smiter. For who else could smite Garuface, Prince of Darkness? Nunchicat, Bringer of Light! ("Got a lighter?" "what kind of a question is that, I'm only the Bringer of Light aren't I?" "sorry, Nunchicat...I forgot again." "Hmph.")) I closed that bracket there because I forgot to do it earlier and there didn't really seem to be anywhere else in my ramble to close it. Have also corrected the spelling of acquaintance, so that Andrea will continue to be my friend.
I went on another date with myself last night (maybe on the next one I'll put out!...that is so wrong). Went to a classy cocktail bar and drank classy cocktails and chatted with the classy barstaff and read my classy book. I felt classy. It was very nice but I spent money, which is a bit naughty. Speaking of, one of the people living in this house (and there are only Dad and I, and I doubt it was me) left a pack of gingernuts sitting about overnight and now they have gone SOFT and SOGGY. Blast. I realise that dipping them in my tes makes them soft and soggy anyway, but that's beside the point, isn't it.
Barb's Nephew Tim (he of the good looks, socks & sandals and clandestine Coro St. watching) has expressed interest in taking me out for a drink. Wheedled my number off Barb (bollocking Barb). I'm bored enough to go for a drink with him this week- and he is a nice person, I am just highly judgmental- so watch this space for news of the Romance of the Century! in Nelson.
News news news...I don't think I really have any. Andrea and I are discussing being stuck inside the head of a particularly pretenscscsious (is it an s or a c? i put several of each because i wasn't sure) acquaintance of ours, who shall remain nameless. We have decided that it would be like being trapped in a horribly amateurish attempt at a Surrealist painting, with wonky clocks, dripping with PRETENSION. Pretension looks like golden syrup and smells like burnt toast and is dripping from every surface inside the head of this person who shall remain nameless (not Hugo, he escapes in this post, but after a Think in the Grapes I have come to the conclusion that he is still the Antichrist- I am going to have to smite him! That is not a dirty euphemism. Andrea has dubbed me Thorog the Smiter. For who else could smite Garuface, Prince of Darkness? Nunchicat, Bringer of Light! ("Got a lighter?" "what kind of a question is that, I'm only the Bringer of Light aren't I?" "sorry, Nunchicat...I forgot again." "Hmph.")) I closed that bracket there because I forgot to do it earlier and there didn't really seem to be anywhere else in my ramble to close it. Have also corrected the spelling of acquaintance, so that Andrea will continue to be my friend.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Barb's Nephew
I forgot to mention him, didn't I.
I have met him. He was good-looking, but wearing socks with sandals. As Andrea says, the two cancel each other out. (Andrea also suggest other Stabinthedark-esque business names...A Drive in the Country and A Hair in my Dinner.)
He was also funny- but claimed never to have watched Coronation Street (which Dad and Barb watch avidly, and I with vague interest), then when a character came on and I said 'who's that?' he yelled instantly and with some excitement "Steve!" and then pretended he hadn't.
CAN'T EXPLAIN ALL THESE FEELIN'S THAT'CHA MAKIN' ME FE-E-EEL!
MA HEART'S IN OVAHDRIVE AND YOU'RE B-HIND THA STEERIN' WHEE-E-EEL
That has no relevance to anything.
THINGS THAT I AM FINDING INTERESTING TODAY
This shitty-arse blog thing will not let me use italics.
¡I can make upside-down punctuation! ¿Can you?
Riadan is coming to visit. This is interesting on many levels, like, um, a good computer game.
After a protracted thinking session at work today about several past occurrences I have decided that someone who shall remain nameless (but who would, hypothetically, be called Hugo if they were called anything) is the Antichrist.
I have borrowed from the Nelson library book upon book of music. Show tunes, Disney tunes, pop hits, etc etc. have spent all afternoon (well, post-work and pre-dinner) tootling away. Have NOT practised the Force of Destiny today! How liberating.
Ryan is INCREDIBLY grouchy today and I WANT TO KNOW WHY. I also want to use italics.
THINGS THAT I AM NOT FINDING INTERESTING TODAY
The prospect of grape work tomorrow
The details of my father's love life (eww.)
Knitting.
Not getting paid until 12 TONIGHT, not last night as I thought. Actually this is not so much uninteresting as a royal pain in the ass.
This blog post.
I have met him. He was good-looking, but wearing socks with sandals. As Andrea says, the two cancel each other out. (Andrea also suggest other Stabinthedark-esque business names...A Drive in the Country and A Hair in my Dinner.)
He was also funny- but claimed never to have watched Coronation Street (which Dad and Barb watch avidly, and I with vague interest), then when a character came on and I said 'who's that?' he yelled instantly and with some excitement "Steve!" and then pretended he hadn't.
CAN'T EXPLAIN ALL THESE FEELIN'S THAT'CHA MAKIN' ME FE-E-EEL!
MA HEART'S IN OVAHDRIVE AND YOU'RE B-HIND THA STEERIN' WHEE-E-EEL
That has no relevance to anything.
THINGS THAT I AM FINDING INTERESTING TODAY
This shitty-arse blog thing will not let me use italics.
¡I can make upside-down punctuation! ¿Can you?
Riadan is coming to visit. This is interesting on many levels, like, um, a good computer game.
After a protracted thinking session at work today about several past occurrences I have decided that someone who shall remain nameless (but who would, hypothetically, be called Hugo if they were called anything) is the Antichrist.
I have borrowed from the Nelson library book upon book of music. Show tunes, Disney tunes, pop hits, etc etc. have spent all afternoon (well, post-work and pre-dinner) tootling away. Have NOT practised the Force of Destiny today! How liberating.
Ryan is INCREDIBLY grouchy today and I WANT TO KNOW WHY. I also want to use italics.
THINGS THAT I AM NOT FINDING INTERESTING TODAY
The prospect of grape work tomorrow
The details of my father's love life (eww.)
Knitting.
Not getting paid until 12 TONIGHT, not last night as I thought. Actually this is not so much uninteresting as a royal pain in the ass.
This blog post.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
The Injustice of Life
I would just like to say that I could be in Wellington right now, drinking nice wine and flirting with beautiful people.
I am in Nelson. Doing the vacuuming.
This is not fair.
It is also entirely my own fault. This rankles.
I keep having awful visions of myself, with makeup and nice clothes on for the first time in WEEKS (okay, a week and a half), sitting in the Hawthorne Lounge and drinking something tall and alcoholic. It creases me.
Today, I conquered vibrato. I have not been able to play with vibrato, ever, and out of sheer boredom I was fucking around seeing what noises my trumpet can make (I do a very good horse noise, actually, but that's beside the point) and then all of a sudden I was doing vibrato! This is very exciting as it means that when at band Dave makes the hand motion that means 'more vibrato', I can actually add vibrato, rather than just sitting there trying to look like someone who is adding vibrato.
I am very proud of myself.
I am in Nelson. Doing the vacuuming.
This is not fair.
It is also entirely my own fault. This rankles.
I keep having awful visions of myself, with makeup and nice clothes on for the first time in WEEKS (okay, a week and a half), sitting in the Hawthorne Lounge and drinking something tall and alcoholic. It creases me.
Today, I conquered vibrato. I have not been able to play with vibrato, ever, and out of sheer boredom I was fucking around seeing what noises my trumpet can make (I do a very good horse noise, actually, but that's beside the point) and then all of a sudden I was doing vibrato! This is very exciting as it means that when at band Dave makes the hand motion that means 'more vibrato', I can actually add vibrato, rather than just sitting there trying to look like someone who is adding vibrato.
I am very proud of myself.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Joke of the Day
A man walks into a bar to hear the bartender saying to a pretty girl, "Tickle your arse with a feather."
She turns around and says, "What was that?"
The bartender grins innocently and replies, "Particularly nasty weather, I said, love."
At this a drunk gets up off his barstool, stumbles over to the woman and slurs, "Stick a feather up your arse."
"What?!"
"I said it's fucking pissing down out there."
And that is my joke of the day. I promise there won't be one every day, just days like this (nights like this?) when it's cold and boring (stick a feather up your arse, it is, outside) and I'm in Nelson which is possibly the most boring place to be on a Sunday, because if the town were any bigger you could go and DO something, and if it were any smaller you would've killed yourself or moved away years ago.
I might try to do some work. I should drink less coffee, so I can sleep earlier...but then I am very productive in the middle of the night, because I'm awake and there's really bugger all else to do but work. Sigh.
She turns around and says, "What was that?"
The bartender grins innocently and replies, "Particularly nasty weather, I said, love."
At this a drunk gets up off his barstool, stumbles over to the woman and slurs, "Stick a feather up your arse."
"What?!"
"I said it's fucking pissing down out there."
And that is my joke of the day. I promise there won't be one every day, just days like this (nights like this?) when it's cold and boring (stick a feather up your arse, it is, outside) and I'm in Nelson which is possibly the most boring place to be on a Sunday, because if the town were any bigger you could go and DO something, and if it were any smaller you would've killed yourself or moved away years ago.
I might try to do some work. I should drink less coffee, so I can sleep earlier...but then I am very productive in the middle of the night, because I'm awake and there's really bugger all else to do but work. Sigh.
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