Friday, February 19, 2010

Operation Butt Tourist*

*Do you think there is someone who sits in a room all day thinking up names for military operations? Because that would be the perfect job for me. It would combine my love of secrecy and feeling important with my useless gift for thinking of band names.

I'm not sure why it is, but I see a lot of butts. Not as many as a proctologist or other butt doctor, but more than the average citizen.

Big butts, small butts, hairy butts, smooth butts, white butts, brown butts, clean butts, dirty butts. Butts butts butts butts butts! I see them all.

(Speaking of butts, Owen's local pub has ashtrays full of water to discourage the 'butt men' - hobos who come and nick off with the cigarette butts from the ashtrays and, in their heyday, would snatch half-smoked cigarettes from the mouths of punters! I think they need a sign saying "Beware of the Butt Men.")

I don't mean "I see a lot of butts in a romantic setting," I mean "Something about me attracts the naked buttock." If someone is going to see a butt, it is probably going to be me. Like moths to a flame, the buttocks come. (Andrea calls me Seymour, as in Seymour Butts. Once she drew an awesome cartoon of me recoiling in horror from a pair of scummy buttocks.*) And yesterday a pair of unsolicited and very naked buttocks landed in my email inbox - during work hours, no less - and I was reminded of this curse I bear.

Many times I have been walking home from work at night and passed a gentleman in an alley peeing against a wall, and always, I see his buttocks! But I also see the accidental buttocks of friends, the hit-and-run buttocks of acquaintances, and the demurely displayed buttocks of would-be-lovers.

Once I was having drinks with a friend and went to the bathroom to drain the lizard (I don't have a lizard, I just really like that phrase). When I came back into the lounge, he had removed his trousers and turned to face the window, so that I could see his buttocks.

Once I got up in the morning and went into the bathroom to drain the lizard-which-I-do-not-have, and when I came back out I heard a whoop and there was my flatmate, naked as the day he was born, scampering up the hallway to his room with his back to me, so I could see his butt. (To be fair, he did come into my room later, very contrite, and say, "Ally...I'm sorry you saw my bum." Turns out he had been going to get a snack in the nude because he thought there was no-one home.)

What is this? Is this some kind of curse? Did I anger the gods? Or am I just a weird butt tourist?

*Operation Scummy Buttocks would be a good name for a military operation.


a cat of impossible colour said...

Butt tourist! Butt tourist!

Tarryn said...

I think they have a formula for those names: operation (insert verb)(insert majestic animal). Operation drunk lion. Operation crawling meerkat (I happen to think meerkats are very regal fyi).

IT IS ALLY said...

Butt tourism is a boom industry!

Operation Wanking Monkey!
Operation Sharting Moose!
Wait, those animals aren't very regal.

Operation Flashing Panda!
Actually that's not a bad band name.

Tooting Squared said...

You should keep a record. A butt record.

Date, time, location, identity (if known), comments, mark out of ten.

otherworldlyone said...

He was looking out the window? Did he strategically place himself there so that you could see his butt in the best lighting? I don't understand. I hope you laughed...or at least slapped him a good one.

Baglady said...

I am finding it something of a challenge to respond to this post in a sufficiently butt-like way.

Personally am a fan of big butts. I can't pretend I am not.

Vanilla said...

I put to you that this is a case of the universe demanding reciprocality to reach balance.

You will be plague by bottoms until you release yours on the world.

Also I would not endure the rigours of speical forces selection to attend my first covert mission that was entitled "Operation Sharting moose".

It does not elicit confidence.

Vanilla said...

Sorry I have reconsidered and I would totally do it for "Operation Flashing Panda".

Joff said...

I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with Vanilla on this one... mainly because expect you have a lovely bottom ;)

IT IS ALLY said...

Tooting - This has been previously suggested - I thought about it, but most of the time I'd rather not remember. Would be good, though: "10.15 pm, suburban home. The buttock was white, with a certain amount of bounce. Large mole on left cheek. Unfortunately I spooked the subject before I could complete my examination."

ow1 - I...I don't know why he did it. I did laugh. I got the giggles and he was offended that I sniggered at his mighty buttocks

Baglady - Well, all of you other gentlemen, you certainly can't tell me that's not how it is.

Vanilla, Joff - No! I can tell that this is not going to end well.

Vanilla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vanilla said...

Theory firmly crushed. Accepted.

Mind you one day Im sure to come up with a gem. :)

Ill have to go find another blog to lurk at now. And there was me thinking I had readership potential.

swings and roundabouts.

IT IS ALLY said...

Vanilla - oh no, don't go! I like having you as a reader! But that doens't mean I'm going to show the whole internet my bum. It's a big place. And my Dad reads this blog.

Michelle said...

I assume you mean the internet is a big place?!

Sorry - couldn't resist ;)

wv. unitical = a perfect harmony of extra-critical nitpickers

IT IS ALLY said...

Michelle - hahahahaha! Well noticed. Yes the internet. Not my bum.

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