Jetpack Utopia*

* not a bad band name


JETPACKS: CONVENIENCE, OR CURSE?
From The Times on Sunday, August 3rd, 2030

The year is 2030. Jetpacks have now become the most common mode of transport, with 70% of the population owning one or more of the portable jet-powered personal transportation devices. Every morning, the sky fills with hundreds of millions of people worldwide who commuting to work or school above the ground. The sky is divided into three 'zones' - the lowest zone, a mere 20ft above the ground, is reserved for learner jetpackers, the elderly, and immigrant jetpackers unused to England's jetpacking rules. The middle zone, up to 30ft, is where the majority of jetpackers travel. The high-speed upper zone, or 'U-Zone,' is used mainly by emergency services, jetpacking courier services, and people who are late for something.

There's no doubt that jetpacking has become an integral part of society. But at what cost?

Overall, the global response to this new form of transport has been overwhelmingly positive. A recent survey found that 90% of all Americans rated the invention of the jetpack as "awesome," confirming the Jetpack as the best invention of the 21st Century, easily beating death-metal Disney construct turned rebel band The Jonas Brothers (82% awesomnity).*

Since jetpacking became a widespread form of transport in the early '20s, there have been a number of concerns raised about unsafe jetpack use, leading to the introduction of global safety standards and protective headgear. The headgear in particular has been very successful, leading to a 20% fall in the number of jetpack related fatalities since 2023. Titanium helmets based on the now-obsolete bike helmet are now mandatory under Clause 21 of the Jetpack Safety Standards legislation. This was passed after the invention of fortified vodka, which led to a sharp escalation in the number of serious injuries and deaths caused by intoxicated persons accidentally propelling themselves into ceilings, walls, and other people.

Following the infamous 'Waldorf Incident,' in which a harried executive running late for a meeting disregarded his fuel warning and allowed his jetpack to putt to a halt 40ft above ground, all jetpacks are now manufactured with a bottom airbag. This is attached to the bottom of both the jetpack and the jetpacker, and is colloquially referred to as the "buttbag," "saving grace," or "whoopee."

However, not all aspects of the jetpack boom have been positive. City councils worldwide are concerned about a recent rise in the number of 'jet racers.' Typically adolescent males sporting 'pimped-out' Japanese jetpacks, the racers cause havoc across all zones, keeping residents awake and raising concerns about gang violence. 'Sky Patrol,' the already-strained police unit dedicated to controlling the zones, are planning a 20% increase in patrol frequency until the jet racer problem has subsided. However, jet racers maintain that they are merely exercising their right to group together and demonstrate their jetpack skills.

Concern for the environment has prompted a recent 'car backlash,' with eco-conscious former jetpackers returning to the road in their thousands after a Scandinavian study showed the number of endangered bird species was rising at an unprecedented rate due to careless jetpacking. At one recent anti-jetpacking demonstration, protesters on the ground were buzzed by a group of jetpackers carrying pigeons, which they then released and roasted with their jetpacks exhausts. Public outcry led to the banning of all pigeons in heavy-traffic jetpacking areas. Pigeon spokespeople are outraged, claiming rampant speciesism is at play.

In conclusion the jetpack, while not a flawless solution to the problems of modern transport, is nonetheless pretty awesome.

* Source: Global Awesomnity Report, 2029.

The Ultimate12-Question Personality Test*

* Personality Test would be a pretty good band name.

Have you always suspected you're a bit of a Dreamer? A Thinker? A Reamer? A Stinker? A Beamer? A Drinker? A Schemer? A...

Now you can find out! Without any further ado, today is my birthday*: the Website would like to present...

The Ultimate 12-Question Personality Test

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) at night
c) doesn't matter, I'm usually pretty cheerful ^-^
d) whenever they want to be felt
e) when I am drunk

2. Draw a dog. What is it doing?
a) sitting/standing
b) lying down
c) barking
d) humping
e) not really sure, is very badly drawn

3. Hmm, OK, have another look at the dog. What is the dog's tail doing?
a) sticking out from the back end of the dog
b) just lying there
c) wagging!
d) forgot to draw tail
e) curling like tail of pig

4. OK, enough drawing, time for some writing. Complete the following:

"There once was a young man called Bevan
Who wanted to travel to Heaven.
With balloons and a chair
He took to the air..."

a) "...that remarkable young man called Bevan"
b)"...and was hit by a 747"
c) "...and eventually made it to Devon"
d) "...a celestial 7-11"
e) your limerick is not grammatically correct

7. Finish this sentence. Robots are...
a) awesome.
b) eventually going to kill us all
c) a great technological advance!
d) everywhere
e) already in our society - open your eyes, man, think for yourself!

5. Think about Christmas. Which colour do you associate with Christmas?
a) a jolly festive red or green
b) the soiled grey of trampled snow
c) a suitably joyful gold or silver
d) purple, blue or any other colour generally accepted as being completely unrelated to Christmas
e) the black of corporate greed, the black of consumerism

10. It is no longer Christmas. All of a sudden you are on an ocean liner, sunning yourself by the pool, sipping a cocktail of your choice, and eyeing up your dream man/woman. Who are they?
a) The gorgeous, tanned European tourist in the skimpy swimsuit
b) The elderly millionaire
c) The captain!
d) The underage pool boy ;)
e) The ordinary-looking, unpublished novelist with the fascinating brain

6. Which one of the following dreams I've had recently is closest to yours?
a) I went to the supermarket but it didn't look like the supermarket and you were there but you didn't really look like you, and we were trying to find tinned beans but there weren't any
b) I don't remember my dreams
c) I was a pastel-coloured unicorn flying through a Miami sunset with my unicorn friend
d) I gave birth to a live octopus in a bomb shelter
e) I was caught in a love triangle with a real-life colleague and a good-looking albino

11. The world is going to end in 6 hours, and you are the only person who knows. What do you do?
a) Attempt to warn friends & family; spend 6 hours being told you're full of shit
b) Be totally unsurprised. Wonder why things like this always happen to you. Get drunk
c) Declare your love to absolutely everyone you've ever fancied in the hopes that one of them will deliver the eleventh-hour shag
d) Go on a huge crime spree, safe in the knowledge that you will never be brought to justice
e) Not tell anyone, having decided it would be kinder to bear this burden of knowledge alone. Get drunk.

8. Close your eyes (after reading this sentence) and imagine that you are walking through a forest. You walk into a clearing, and there, to your amazement, stands...
a) any kind of mythical creature
b) a large and hungry bear
c) an angel/your best friend/your spirit guide
d) your naked mother
e) Napoleon's ghost

9. Speaking of mythical creatures, if you could ride one of the following to work, which one would it be?
a) Hippogriff, Dragon or anything else featured in Harry Potter
b) Nazgul, Direwolf or anything else with enormous dramatic potential
c) Unicorn, Pegasus or anything else horse-shaped
d) Anything which could be classified as 'undead'
e) Corporate responsibility! Ha!

12. Which of the following statements best sums up your attitude towards personality tests?
a) I don't set much store by them but they take up a couple of minutes -shrug-
b) They are bollocks but I have nothing better to do
c) They provide interesting, and sometimes surprising, insights into my psyche
d) I enjoy doing them but am sometimes worried by the results
e) They merely confirm what I already know about myself


ANSWERS

Mostly As - your personality type is Mundane, Ordinary, Fine, Ok (MOFO)
Congratulations! You are exactly the same personality type as the other 69% of the population who chose mostly A's. There's nothing wrong with being a MOFO - except that it makes you a little bit predictable. (Tee hee, '69%'.) On the upside, people generally get on with you because they know what to expect.
Advice for MOFOs: No-one's ended limericks like that since Edward Lear; stop telling other people about your boring dreams.

Mostly B's - your personality type is Emotional, Melancholy, Overindulged. (EMO)
I bet you're not surprised, are you. Your acronym even has one fewer letter than everyone else's - how typical. Personality tests always say you're an EMO. Like this one was going to be any different. At least you're interesting, unlike all those MOFOs.
Advice for EMOs: Stop writing poems late at night; stay out of the military.

Mostly C's - your personality type is Cheerful, Optimistic, Caring, Kind (COCK)
You are a genuinely happy person!! This really annoys everyone around you. However, you're not going to believe that last sentence, and will continue to spread your own special brand of joy everywhere you go until you are stabbed in the eye with a fork. The upside? Your plan for the last 6 hours of existence is better than everyone else's.
Advice for COCKs: Surround yourself with other COCKs to create a sausagefest of joy!

Mostly D's - your personality type is Narcissistic, Unwise, Troubled, Rebel (NUTR)
Congratulations! You are a certified NUTR. Most NUTR's are employed in the public service industry, unemployed and talking to themselves on the bus, or incarcerated. I am giving you these statistics about professions because, quite frankly, I don't want to touch your psychological issues with a ten-foot pole.
Advice for NUTR's: Robots are not actually everywhere; you should perhaps consider becoming a writer (bonus: it is a career you can continue while in the Big House.)

Mostly E's - your personality type is Dreamer, Intellectual, Clever, Kooky (DICK).
Wow. You're a total DICK. You're no doubt putting your liberal arts degree to good use by rejecting it as a useless societal construct, then tearing off a corner of it to roll a joint because you can't buy any papers until your grant gets approved (or your benefit comes through).
Advice for DICKs: The inner workings of your brain are not actually that fascinating; everyone knows that the protagonist of your unpublished novel is actually you.

I'm an EMO DICK! What are you?

If you don't like penguins, stop reading now

I have just watched March of the Penguins, and I have a whole new respect for them. (Penguins.) I am going to tell you some facts about penguins - actually, I am going to tell you an interesting and informative story about penguins. If you've seen March of the Penguins it's pretty much an abridged version of that. As Morgan Freeman so tenderly narrates, this is a story about Love. (Also Penguins, but mainly Love. No wait actually it's more about the Penguins but whatever.)

Penguins, as you know, live in the Antarctic (I think) and, like pandas, are covered in tiny oily feathers. Just kidding about that. They're actually covered in black and white rhinestones. Here is a nice picture of some penguins in action:


Yeah! Go penguins.

Anyway, each March the penguins get out of the water, where they live, and walk over 70 miles to their breeding grounds. 70 miles is a long way to walk! Especially when you are a penguin and keep falling over. Off they go in a long line - which is not unlike the veteran's sections of the ANZAC day parade - and walk day and night until they get there.

Here they are, walking. Notice the one in the middle has fallen over.


I tried to find a picture of an ANZAC day parade that looks like that, but a) there were no pictures and b) I felt slightly mean, but come on. Don't tell me you've never watched a parade where a long line of penguin-shaped veterans walked ridiculously slowly in a stoic line. Yeah...see?

Unlike with the veterans, the next thing that happens is the penguins get to the breeding grounds, and proceed to search for a mate. When they find one, this is what happens:


I don't know if you know this, but that picture you just looked at is penguin porn. (Zoologists mostly refer to it as 'pornguin.')

Anyway after all that the man penguin and the lady penguin (who we will call Frank and Doris) sit about for a bit and wait for Doris to produce the egg.

Once Doris has produced the egg, it sits under a flap of feather-and-rhinestone covered skin, resting on her feet. This is easy to picture if you imagine that you could control that little roll of fat on your belly - lift it up with some previously undiscovered fat-roll-muscle, shove an egg underneath it with your feet (the fat roll is on your feet) and then cover the egg up again with the fat roll. You also need to pretend your fat roll is covered in feathers and that you are a penguin.

Then, once this has been done, Doris realises that she is really hungry, and asks Frank to take the egg for a bit. Frank is a modern man (or penguin) and says Of Course Darling. Then Frank and Doris practice a very complex little dance where Doris passes the egg to Frank, from on top of her feet to on top of his. This is important because if the egg falls on the ground it will freeze and the chick will DIE, and then the 70 mile walk, and the pornguin, and the waiting have all been a complete waste of time. So you do not want Frank to drop the egg.

"Fuck," said Frank.

Provided Frank doesn't drop the egg, once it's on his feet Doris walks 70 miles back to the water and eats a lot. Then she walks back to Frank, who has now been standing about in the cold for 4 months or so without any food...but the chick has hatched and is sitting snugly under Frank's fat roll!

Provided he does not drop it.

If something should happen to Doris while she's away (i.e. eaten by leopard seal) then Frank will stand there for ages and ages, waiting for her to come back. But she won't, and then the chick will die, because Frank has nothing to feed it. Fucking leopard seals.



When Doris gets back, safe and sound, she locates Frank, which is not always easy because penguins all kind of look the same, and there is a lot of "Oh sorry I thought you were someone else." When Doris gets the chick back on her feet, it's Frank's turn to walk 70 miles for food. Doris feeds the chick by regurgitating stuff, which is kind of gross, but it's OK because the chick is really cute. See? Look how cute he is.



Frank and Doris wander back and forth for months and months feeding the chick, until the chick is strong enough to look after itself...and then they all live happily ever after swimming about in the water. Yay! Look at the little penguin in the middle. You just know he's going YAY!!!1


Isn't that a cool little story? The moral is that penguins rock. Except, possibly, for when they're doing this.

What if your organs could email you?

To: brain@ally
From: liver@ally
Subject: Recent alcohol consumption

Hi Brain, Liver here. Just a quick query - I'm not sure if you're aware, but alcohol consumption's been unusually high this month.

I'm concerned that we're under-equipped for high consumption levels on a regular basis - please advise if this is likely to be an ongoing issue.

Thanks

Liver

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To: liver@ally
From: brain@ally
Subject: RE: Recent alcohol consumption

Hi Liver, thanks for your email.

Unfortunately at this stage there's no concrete plan for alcohol consumption going forward.

Let me know if it remains a concern and I'll do my best to rectify it.

Regards

Brain

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To: brain@ally
From: lungs@ally
Subject: Health concern

Brain -

We're still full of tar - pls. advise estimated timeframe for non-smoking initiative. This should've been actioned at least two months ago

Lungs

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To: lungs@ally
From: brain@ally
Subject: RE: Health concern

Good Morning Lungs

Apologies for the delayed response - I've been in meetings with the intestines all morning.

Unfortunately there's no definite timeframe at this stage - I'll look into it and get back to you when I have an ETA.

Regards,

Brain.

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To: brain@ally
From: stomach@ally
Subject: Organ Concerns
Importance: HIGH

Dear Brain -

Recently Lungs and Liver contacted you to request a decrease in the nicotine/alcohol intake.

At this time, no action has been taken on this matter. As Lungs and Liver have been unable to get a response from you, they have escalated the matter to me.

Please decrease consumption of harmful substances immediately, or I will be left with no choice but to take drastic, spasmodic action - resulting in projectile vomiting at socially inappropriate times.

Please respond ASAP.

Stomach.

PS - whatever you ate about 3am this morning, never do it again. I have had a meeting with Lower Bowel and he agrees.

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To: stomach@ally
Cc: lungs@ally; liver@ally; lbowel@ally
From: brain@ally
Subject: Concerns Raised

Stomach -

While I appreciate the validity of your concerns and those of the other organs involved in this matter, at the current stage it would be inappropriate for me to completely remove aforementioned 'harmful substances' from my intake (please contact Heart directly if you require more information on the current emotional situation). I will advise when BAU practices resume - until such time, please treat this as a extraordinary situation and perform your duties as normal.

I strongly recommend you do not take any inappropriate action against the rest of the Body (i.e. dramatic spasms as per your previous email) - this is not conducive to a positive working environment and as such will not be tolerated. Should any such action take place, you will find your employment instantly terminated and a transplant arranged.

Re: 3am food - this was a kebab and will not be repeated. I apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused you and Bowel.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any further concerns.

Regards,

Brain.

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To: brain@ally
From: kidneys@ally
Subject:

Man, Stomach's pissing me off today! Between him and Bowel, who will not stop complaining about how busy he is (do you know anything about that, btw?) it's been a very long day! To be honest, it's pretty tempting just to down tools and go and hide in the torso...

Drinks after work?

Kidneys

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