no-one except me is going to find this amusing

If Highland Cattle had instruments and Twitter they would be way better than the Jonas Brothers even though all of their songs would start with moo. I am about to prove this with a photoessay


Publicity shot for new minicow alternative dance punk outfit The Herd.



Young & frantic frontman Charlie.



Charlie's Twitter profile picture. He has 667,984 followers



Guitarist Adam's MySpace profile pic



Bonza, the drummer. Has 897,992 followers on Twitter but no-one knows why



Gunther is the bassist, do not fuck with him



I said DO NOT FUCK WITH HIM

last year he gored a paparazzo.

he is too legit to twit




cover art for the band's soon-to-be-released debut album, An Inconvenient Hoof.


In summary, fuck the Jonas Brothers* and bring on The Herd.

I wish they were a real band.


*but not actually 'cause they're underage

I was Sick! But now am Better.

Someone made an interesting comment about this blog yesterday - they said they much preferred reading my 'serious' short stories, which are invariably tragic and poignant (and, if we're being honest, crap) because they were more genuine, and my blog was...they paused. "Irritatingly naive?" I suggested. "Um, youthfully whimsical."

So now I am going to start a socio-political blog in which I write serious pieces about things I have studied long and hard - it is time to put away the whimsical trappings of youth in favour of insights into the nature of Life, Love, and the Inevitability of Change.

Just kidding! Here's a story about my mother and Batman. I didn't spell him 'Bathman' once.

My mother, who is notorious for falling asleep in movies, rented The Dark Knight to watch this evening.

Kate: "You won't like it."
Mum: "But I watched Batman Begins especially!"
Me: "Did you like that?"
Mum: "Don't remember. What was it about?"
Me: "Batman. And how he begins."
Kate: "With the Batcave? And Morgan Freeman?"
Mum looks blank.
Me: "He's a billionaire, but he's secretly Batman, and Michael Caine helps him."
Kate: "You like Michael Caine."
Mum looks blank.
Kate: "They flash the bat symbol on the sky to tell the people the Batman rides tonight."
Me: "The batcave is under his house. He has a girlfriend, but they can't bat be together."
Long pause.
Mum, with excitement: "Oh! Does he save a city? And have a Batmobile?"

Oh, you mean that Batman.


More interestingly, did you know you can get blacklight tattoos? They do it with a special ink that only shows up under a blacklight. They look like awesome I mean this:

There is no way you can tell me that's not pretty awesome.

The second one is kind of lame, but demonstrates how the tattoo doesn't show up under normal light. I mean, okay, so it's probably not so good for your skin, but oh well.

In related news, I saw a picture of a connect-the-dots tattoo:

It's a giraffe. Obviously.

That idea by itself is kind of cool in a hipsterish way, but listen to this.

What I really want is a connect-the-dots tattoo in normal ink, with the dots joined up in blacklight ink. I MEAN SERIOUSLY HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE.*

I know, I know, you're right: it would be difficult to choose something awesome enough. I mean the lady with the giraffe probably could've thought of something better. What would one get? Bok choi?

Also you'd have to carry a little blacklight around all the time. But it would still probably be worth it.


On the topic of Maybe Awesome, how do you feel about fibre-optic hair extensions?


They're so deliciously tacky. I really want some.


Also, I'm still waiting on your questions!


*not on a global scale of cool, just compared to how cool I normally am.

Camo Jumpsuit Apparatus*

Here it is!



Now, here it is on me! (It was on me in that last one, too, but I cropped out my head because I was doing this weird squint.) Notice how totally kickass I look.

I'm still doing the weird squint, aren't I.
YEAH YEAH I'M A POSER IN A JUMPSUIT YOU LOVE IT



Also, there has been a small amount of negative feedback about some of the language used in my previous post, specifically the phrase 'sliming the banana.' It has come to my attention that some readers may have found this phrase offensive. If you are one of these readers, suck it up, this is my fucking blog my sincere* apologies for offending your delicate sensibilities.

*not actually sincere

Haiku

Today I wrote a haiku about everyone I've ever slept with. It was Andrea's idea. Here they are. I am so freakin' slutty awesome.

i
You liked to make love
To the Best of Queen CD
Which I now detest

ii
I liked you much more
Before you told our colleagues
The gory details

iii
For some weird reason
I was briefly enraptured
By your bad poems

iv
A contest romance!
Such a pity about the
Surprise fiancee!

v
What was I thinking?
You had an enormous nose
And a tiny wang

vi
A tall blonde workmate
We always laughed about it
And were friends after

vii
Thrown out of the dorm
Because you weed off the roof
I thought I loved you

viii
I have no excuse
You were really freakin' weird
But, with motorbike

ix
Black and white dreadlocks
And weekends spent by the beach
Sleeping in your bus

x
Leaving in two weeks?
Tough, I'm not going to let you
Stick it in my butt

xi
Told me you loved me
Then lent me your favourite book
Never returned it

xii
Captain Stamina
I was getting really bored
After the third time

xiii
You at the party
Sitting lone and dramatic;
I so fell for it

xiv
Oh, so cute but dumb;
Emo with snakebite piercings
Who also wrestles

xv
You said I shouldn't
Spread word of our liaison;
Ha ha, I told all!

xvi
I deflowered you
One dark and drunken evening
What a minx I am

xvii
Most sexually charged
Guitar Hero marathon
In all of history

xviii
Cute percussionist
And a hotel in Brisbane
Holiday romance!

ixx
You were pretty cool
After the sex act itself
We watched Family Guy

xx
Your flatmate burst in
While we were going at it
And wanted to join

xxi
When I was rat-arsed
You looked like Orlando Bloom;
Not so much next day

xxii
We play instruments
In the same musical group;
Good God! It's bandcest

xxiii
Your only rule was
To never sleep with workmates
Sorry, I broke it

xxiv
You were really hot
I should have known that you'd be
Quite selfish in bed

xxv
For something that had
Been building up for six years;
Quite disappointing.

xxvi
You had a big nose
And asked me to do weird things
I did not care for

xxvii
I convinced myself
That the Brits are good in bed
Well, you proved me wrong

xxviii
You said you were gay
Guess that was a great big lie
Your boyfriend hates me

xix
To be honest I
Slept with you mainly because
Of the pirate clothes

xxx
A drunken mishap
I met you at Burger King
and your name was Craig.

xxxi
Ah, karaoke!
Because we sung a love song
We then had to shag

xxxii
Ah, karaoke!
Once again I can blame it
And also the booze

xxxiii
We kissed in the rain
That last night in Wellington;
Then I missed my plane

xxxiv
Met you at a bar
Then I shagged you in a park
Fuck I am classy

xxxv
I am impulsive
That is not a good reason
To sleep with fatties


If you'd like the full story on any of these episodes, feel free to leave a comment and I will tell all in a future post.

Awesome

Today, I trimmed the dog, which produced a large amount of dog hair. I could have chosen to donate this to puppies with alopecia or something but instead I did what any normal person would do. Made myself a Fu Manchu mustache. This is not very modest but man I am fucking awesome. Also I would look good with a mustache.


New Zealand's Next Top Model?

As dawn broke on the morning of the battle, Tarquin watched an eagle circle far above the encampment, and wondered if he would ever see his true love again.


"I know it seems rash," the King said, stroking his beard thoughtfully, "but I am tempted to send in the elephants regardless."




In other news, I have a date tonight (bleh). Am undecided on whether or not to remove the 'tache beforehand.

Jetpack Utopia*

* not a bad band name


JETPACKS: CONVENIENCE, OR CURSE?
From The Times on Sunday, August 3rd, 2030

The year is 2030. Jetpacks have now become the most common mode of transport, with 70% of the population owning one or more of the portable jet-powered personal transportation devices. Every morning, the sky fills with hundreds of millions of people worldwide who commuting to work or school above the ground. The sky is divided into three 'zones' - the lowest zone, a mere 20ft above the ground, is reserved for learner jetpackers, the elderly, and immigrant jetpackers unused to England's jetpacking rules. The middle zone, up to 30ft, is where the majority of jetpackers travel. The high-speed upper zone, or 'U-Zone,' is used mainly by emergency services, jetpacking courier services, and people who are late for something.

There's no doubt that jetpacking has become an integral part of society. But at what cost?

Overall, the global response to this new form of transport has been overwhelmingly positive. A recent survey found that 90% of all Americans rated the invention of the jetpack as "awesome," confirming the Jetpack as the best invention of the 21st Century, easily beating death-metal Disney construct turned rebel band The Jonas Brothers (82% awesomnity).*

Since jetpacking became a widespread form of transport in the early '20s, there have been a number of concerns raised about unsafe jetpack use, leading to the introduction of global safety standards and protective headgear. The headgear in particular has been very successful, leading to a 20% fall in the number of jetpack related fatalities since 2023. Titanium helmets based on the now-obsolete bike helmet are now mandatory under Clause 21 of the Jetpack Safety Standards legislation. This was passed after the invention of fortified vodka, which led to a sharp escalation in the number of serious injuries and deaths caused by intoxicated persons accidentally propelling themselves into ceilings, walls, and other people.

Following the infamous 'Waldorf Incident,' in which a harried executive running late for a meeting disregarded his fuel warning and allowed his jetpack to putt to a halt 40ft above ground, all jetpacks are now manufactured with a bottom airbag. This is attached to the bottom of both the jetpack and the jetpacker, and is colloquially referred to as the "buttbag," "saving grace," or "whoopee."

However, not all aspects of the jetpack boom have been positive. City councils worldwide are concerned about a recent rise in the number of 'jet racers.' Typically adolescent males sporting 'pimped-out' Japanese jetpacks, the racers cause havoc across all zones, keeping residents awake and raising concerns about gang violence. 'Sky Patrol,' the already-strained police unit dedicated to controlling the zones, are planning a 20% increase in patrol frequency until the jet racer problem has subsided. However, jet racers maintain that they are merely exercising their right to group together and demonstrate their jetpack skills.

Concern for the environment has prompted a recent 'car backlash,' with eco-conscious former jetpackers returning to the road in their thousands after a Scandinavian study showed the number of endangered bird species was rising at an unprecedented rate due to careless jetpacking. At one recent anti-jetpacking demonstration, protesters on the ground were buzzed by a group of jetpackers carrying pigeons, which they then released and roasted with their jetpacks exhausts. Public outcry led to the banning of all pigeons in heavy-traffic jetpacking areas. Pigeon spokespeople are outraged, claiming rampant speciesism is at play.

In conclusion the jetpack, while not a flawless solution to the problems of modern transport, is nonetheless pretty awesome.

* Source: Global Awesomnity Report, 2029.

I'm Bilingual

I am wearing a blue wig, taping a strap to an inflatable guitar, and trying to sell online credit card processing to the First Church of Wicca and Heathens in New Zealand.

We have the Christmas party this evening, and everyone (myself included) is over-excited and has pretty much stopped working already. (George: "I am going to compile a spreadsheet of the ugliest people I can find on Google.") It is ten past two. (My Boss, if you're reading this, I am totally kidding and also right about to call Paul from Thingy Automotive that I forgot to call yesterday.) Luckily the few stray and completely unwelcome customers who do call in have no way of knowing that while we’re all sitting here giving sales spiels, we’re hitting each other with guitars and, in some cases, wearing leather airmen’s head-things. I don’t know what they’re called, but Snoopy wore one when he flew and now Graeme is wearing one as he soars into the sales stratosphere, ha ha ha. Leather balaclava? Hmm.

I am going to be well-behaved at the staff party tonight! I am so dedicated to this life (well, evening) of good behaviour that I have not brought any going-to-town clothes or shaved my legs. In reality, all this means is that I will be as badly behaved as usual, just in a more hairy and slovenly fashion than usual. Oh no wait, no more hairy and slovenly than usual because this is always my plan! I need a new plan or stronger moral fibre.

Oh yeah. Kane, who I believe I may have previously referred to as the Gung-Ho Kid due to his propensity to charge headfirst into things full of cheer and ebullience, and then realise ten seconds later that probably he should bail out, wrote a rude note on the pod whiteboard yesterday (yes, our pod has a whiteboard. And a radio, and a recycling bin, and we used to have a plant (remember when I went on and on about that plant? Boring, wasn’t it? No inflatable guitars in sight then!), but then George moved into our pod and the plant had to go because she was bigger than it and wanted its desk. Bloody George. Frankly I would rather George moved…no, wait, that’s not true, I like George, I just liked the plant too and it caused less trouble than she does and didn't yell "PRICK!" when I was on a phone call, unlike George this afternoon). ANYWAY yesterday I announced that I had 22 more days at EFTPOS (oh yeah, I resigned and am moving back to Christchurch – did I mention that? Maybe not, huh) and left the pod to I don’t know, go and buy a sandwich or something, and when I came back there was a countdown-style display on the whiteboard saying “22 Days Until Hitler Leaves!” I like to think it was a bit of playful joshing. Ha, ha!

Kane is a dick. (But luckily, a dick with limited internet access after an unfortunate innappropriate-usage incident (wow, that sounds way worse than it was.)) I did warn him that I was going to use this blog to spread the word, so he shouldn't be surprised. I'm not angry, Kane. I'm just disappointed.

Speaking of my workmates, Kristy says Hi. I think she was talking to someone else but whatever. My workmates have started reading my blog. So now I can’t complain about them. Unless I give them really cryptic codenames and they all think I’m talking about someone else…yeee-ees. Yeeee-eeeessss.

Speaking of work. I am going to go to the bank, and then perhaps to Subway, and then to pay the power bill.