Friday, May 01, 2009


*no, actually. Prepare to be boreded.

I am reading the Home Care catalogue. I think I enjoy it because the writers get so excited about all kinds of revolutionary new kitchen/household essentials that I have never missed and yet suddenly couldn't possibly live without. The word 'ingenious' pops up a lot. Here are my 10 favourites from this issue.

1. Tomato Timer, $9.90. "Why choose a timer you'd rather hide away, when this one will brighten up your kitchen! Six centimetres in diameter, it looks just like a ripe tomato!" Why use the timer on the oven, when you could use a timer that not only emits a 'loud, clear signal' when the time is up (presumably a beep, although if tomatoes made noises I'm pretty sure they'd use that) but can also be confused with your 'kitschy cool' tomato sauce bottle!

2. Double Spoon Rest, $8.90. "When you have two saucepans bubbling away on the stovetop, you'll appreciate this double spoon rest when it comes time to stir." All those years I spent just chucking my spoons on the bench, or holding the spare spoon in my other hand! Thank God I never have to do that again. Home Care you are a revolution.

3. Muffin and Cupcake Stand, $28.90. "Make it easy for your guests to reach out and select the most delicious looking cupcake or muffin!" Excuse me? My guests will take the cupcake or muffin closest to them like civilized people do. Just because your guests were born in a barn.

4. Musical Cake Slicer, $9.90. "Get the party started with this musical cake slice - as soon as you grasp the handle it plays a chorus of 'Happy Birthday.' Even the most self-conscious singers will be tempted to join in!" I bet they will, the first time. Have just read that it will play the tune up to 100 times! Actually I kind of really want this.

5. Banana Guard, $6.90. "No more bruised bananas! The clip-close ventilated plastic case will help prevent bruising and squashing of your banana." I bet the person at the patent office was really excited about this one. It would be simply invaluable if I liked bananas.

6. Onion Keeper, $11.90. "This handy onion-shaped plastic container will make it easy to find cut onion when stored in the fridge!" Thank fuck someone invented this! I am so sick of spending hours rummaging through the fridge trying to find my onion.

7. Stainless Steel 'Soap' with Holder, $9.90. "Incredible as it sounds, rubbing this stainless steel 'soap' between your hands under rubbing water will reduce even persistent odours like onion, fish, and garlic!" I really want to know how this works. Maybe I should buy one. Hey, it's only ten bucks, right? No! Don't give in! That is exactly what they want you to think!

8. Handy Grabber, $21.90. "Now your arms can be 85cm longer with this lightweight aluminium handygrabber!" Woo! I am going to be so awesome at tennis now. Wait 'til I tell the guys.

9. Ice Tubes, $16.90. "At last, the ice cube that fits a bottle or flask!" Quite seriously I really want these. They are test-tube shaped ice cube trays. INGENIOUS

10. Self-Cleaning Clothes Brush, $14.90. "It also has a handy self-cleaning function - just open the back to remove the dirt." Yay, a self-cleaning brush! All I have to do is...wait, remove the dirt? Kinda sounds like I still have to clean it. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't lie, though. Hold on while I find a definition of 'clean.' Oh. "To get rid of dirt, soil, etc.*" Wait, that means it's not self-cleaning at all! I'm onto you, you brush. That product should have a disclaimer. "Brush Is Not Actually Self-Cleaning. You Still Have To Clean This Brush."

11. Ironing board cover, $19.90. "The metallised finish on this space-age ironing board cover reflects heat from your iron back into the fabric making the job faster, easier, and more effective." I'm not sure if it was the phrase 'space-age ironing board cover,' my disappointing experience with the 'self-cleaning' brush, or the word 'metallised,' but I am calling bullshit on this one.

There are also a couple of decent bathroom thingies, notably the Pebble Design Bath Mat, which "may look like a layer of pebbles," presumably if pebbles were by nature bright blue and something it was normal to have in your shower; and the Over Tank Toilet Roll Holder, which proclaims 'It's always reassuring to have an extra roll or two of toilet paper at hand.' Wise words, Home Care, wise words.

Also, there is a product called White Wizard which is 'guaranteed to remove most stains.' Sounds a bit like a readymade loophole to me. "Hello, White Wizard Customer Service? Your product didn't remove my stain, and I want my money back." "Unfortunately, madam, White Wizard is only guaranteed to remove most, not all, stains." "OK, so which stains doesn't it work on?" "Your one." (They do have a list of stains that the product will remove and stains that it won't, but that wasn't my initial impression.)

I had a dream last night that I worked at a restaurant I did in fact work at once upon a time. I was madly in love with a co-worker, which was also the case in real life, and he had a girlfriend (also the case in real life). Then I stole lots of money to feed a starving family (I know, it is a little out of character) and he found out at shouted at me and I was distraught and destroyed the entire building in Godzilla-esque rage. Wish the second half of the dream had also been based on a true story.

Sorry about this insanely fucking dull ramble slightly sub-par post; in my defens/ce I have gotten a veritable buttload of writing done today. You can tell I'm a writer because I use words like 'buttload.' Better post tomorrow. Please come back.



Jill said...

I actually have a Banana Guard. It is green and glows in the dark - handy for backpacks?

I only discovered your blog a few weeks ago, but already I feel entitled to a new post every time I visit. You are obligingly prolific! Thank you.

IT IS ALLY said...

Hehe, the Banana Guard sounds kind of awesome. I'm glad people actually buy them.

Thank you! I worry sometimes that I am too prolific, but then I figure no-one's being forced to read at gunpoint :)