Alcohol Genies

So I was going to write a post about MJ, tragic death of, but I'm really not that topical, so instead I'm going to tell you a joke. It's not even about MJ. That's how topical I'm not.

What do you call a Mexican Peeping Tom?
Señor Minge.

In other news, this morning I was thinking about genies and wondering what I would wish for if I was polishing a lamp (if you know what I mean) and a genie came out. Then I realised that I have never polished a lamp in my life (oh, grow up) and it would be much more likely that I would be opening a bottle of wine, and a genie would pop out along with the cork. A Wine Genie would look like the Genie in Aladdin, but wet and purple and twirling his lush mustache rather rakishly. With a drunken leer he would croon, "You can do whatever you want, but only once." And I would say, "I would like to fly a fighter plane." (Seriously, that is what I would wish for.)

In this parallel universe, every time you opened a bottle of alcohol there was a tiny chance a genie would pop out, and all of the genies would be different - for example, the Port Genie would look like your grandfather, smell like tweed, and allow you to shoot any animal of your choosing with perfect accuracy for the rest of your days.

The Schnapps Genie would look like a large, many-eyed blob of shower gel, and would grant you three (3) wishes, all of which would wear off after the next 24 hours (voluntary teleportation? ability to fly? regenerating $100 bill? enormous penis?)

The Bourbon Genie would wear overalls and automatically pimp your ride; the Vodka Genie would be a large Russian woman wielding a riding crop and refusing to grant your wish for world peace.

The Gin Genie would be a raddled, 40-something trailer park darling who would make you so sad that you felt you couldn't possibly take a wish from her, and you would spend the night listening to her tell endless stories of everyday tragedies, and crying into your drink. No eternal riches, true, but you would gain a far better understanding of the human condition and that's a gift in itself.

The Ouzo Genie - my personal favourite - would be a plump Greek grandmother who would pinch your cheeks and allow you to wish for anything you wanted as long as it was a sensible choice. She would sit you down at your kitchen table and make sure that immortality was really what you wanted before shrugging her shoulders, kissing you on both cheeks, and smothering you in a huge magical hug.

I was going to add a charmingly fey, Nicholas Hoult-esque Absinthe Genie who would allow you to do anything you wanted on the condition that you forgot it immediately afterwards, but then I realised absinthe already gives you that power!

What would you wish for?

If you have any suggestions for alcohol genies (not alcohol demons; those are your own personal problems and you're going to have to deal with them in a more suitable forum) then let me know as I plan to turn this into a book for children called 'Why Does Daddy Drink?'

(Hint: it's so he can get you wishes!)