Saturday, July 25, 2009

Possible Abstinence Campaign Slogans*

*assuming this is a Church-driven abstinence campaign.

- "Love the Lord - Sheathe your Sword"

- "Satan Loves Fuckin'"

- "Good Girls Only Kneel for Jesus"

- "Think of the Saints - Keep it in your Pants" It sort of rhymes

- "Remember Jesus - Don't Get Nailed"

- "Moses was Married when he Parted the Waves!" Actually he wasn't but no-one will know

- "Hit the Pews, not the Booze" - actually the (abstinent) Nazis had a version of this as well

- "Be Teases, not Sleazes, 'cause that Pleases Jesus!"

Feel free to add your own. There may or may not be a follow-up series of motivational poems. And if you found that offensive, just be thankful I cut about 5 of them before I posted it.


Anonymous said...

Think of the Madonna, and Don't (when you Wanna)

sleep500 said...


"It is easier to wash semen from your eyes than push children through your thighs."

Abstinence means no fucking, right? I guess oral is fine.

This message paid for by HMS Host (Christchurch) (via my internet connection).

IT IS ALLY said...

That's why I like you, Zach, you go the extra mile.

Oral is ok - apparently in some camps so is anal, even though that's probably not what Jesus would do.

Holly said...

HAHAHA! I think "Remember Jesus - Don't Get Nailed" is my favourite. Blunt instruction FTW! :D

P.S This is the VERY first comment I have left with my new domain name as a link. You ought to feel special.

Brooke said...

I agree with Holly: 'Remember Jesus - Don't get nailed' is brilliant!

Found this the other day, somewhere on teh intertubes:

Thought it was appropriate.

I have a questions about the word apt. Did it start out as an abbreviation for 'appropriate'? Coz it totally looks like it did and they mean pretty much the same thing.

Madame DeFarge said...

Remember the Burning Bush - keep a clean tush.

Brooke said...

In case I made anyone wonder, the answer is no. They are entirely unrelated. They don't even come from the same root. I am disappointed.

IT IS ALLY said...

Zach: also, spoken like a man who's never had semen in his eye.

Holly: nice new domain! how hard was it to set that all up?

Brooke: STOP HIJACKING MY BLOG PLZKTHNX. Although I have wondered about 'apt' myself from time to time.

Madame LF - Hahaha! Thank you, will add to my sponsorship proposal

sleep500 said...

It'd be easier for me to take a load in the face than have a baby because I do have a face but I don't have a vagina/womb.

In before: you saying "thighs aren't vaginas" or something similar.

sleep500 said...

P.S. probably wouldn't need to wash it or anything, just scrape it out and eat it. I'm not fussy.

Holly said...

Once I figured out how to chop my WP backup into small enough files so it didn't overload the import function on the new site - not very difficult at all! :)

IT IS ALLY said...

Zach: does your second comment there refer to the semen, or the baby? 'Cause really it could kind of be either. Clarify plz.

Holly: Good to know. I may yet get one of my very own!