Friday, August 07, 2009

If I Ran Hell

Things would be different, let me tell you.

Agenda for the Meeting to Discuss Proposed Changes to Hell

1. First Look at the Final Destination: Zhuzhing Up Hades
In this modern (under)world, first impressions count. This is why we are suggesting that the existing entrance foyer be replaced with a more traditional fire pit, focusing on a central reception area. In addition to being a discreet nod to our humble beginnings, we're confident that this new feature will satisfy both client and visitor expectations. As well as being an eye-catching statement piece, the fire pit will be fully functional, with 12-24 hour stays mandatory for new clients.

2. Dress to Impress: Moving from from 'Naked' to 'Smart Casual'
Contrary to expectations, studies have shown that enforced nudity does not increase staff productivity or client discomfit, it just lowers the overall tone of your environment. Let's face it: when you're holding an important meeting, do you really want a pair of chubby devil buttocks or liver-spotted harpy breasts passing by your office window? I rest my case.
(Exception: previous denizens of the fashion industry, who are to have fat, naked ugly people jounced up and down in front of them 24/7.)

3. Back to Basics: Interpreting Dante's Vision for a Modern Underworld
In Dante's day, the punishment fit the crime. Unfortunately, over the years standards have slipped, and we are now faced with an afterlife where axe murderers rub cheeks with adulterers and Buddhists hang side by side with unbaptised infants. Obviously, there are changes to be made. We propose that all of Dante's original circles of Hell be reinstated as soon as is reasonably possible (in existing recreation areas 1 to 5), and that the following additional circles (rec areas 6-10, with five additional units proposed) be gradually introduced over the next six months.
  • People who insist on squeezing every fruit/vegetable in the supermarket bin are to be lined up in a row, each with their ankles shackled to the person in front of them. Eternal buttock squeezing will then be implemented.
  • People who park across your driveway will be tied to a rack, which will then be stretched across a driveway.
  • People who allow their children to behave like savage beasts in public areas will be forced to spend eternity trying to read a newspaper by the side of the fire pit, the bathers' screams of pain and terror a sweet accompaniment to their morning. Every time they become engrossed in a news story someone on fire will leap out of the fire pit, run over, and incinerate the newspaper.
  • People who spit in public soap dispensers will spend eternity hand-washing someone else's butt. The butts of many others. Hell's entire butt-washing corps will be composed of these people, and also of cafe staff who go to the toilet and then wipe their hands on their apron.
  • People who smirk when you ask them what they do for a living will be forced to tell everyone they meet that they do manual labour, and also their smirking muscles will be torn out by an eagle every morning.
  • People who play the bagpipe in public places without being asked will be force-fed a vindaloo, have the mouthpiece of their pipes shoved up their arse, and be asked to play the 'Londonderry Air.' How embarrassing.
  • People who wear leggings as trousers will have their legs flayed every morning, then be forced to swap skin with someone else and wear that.

Please note that the committee is open to further suggestions.

4. The Grass is Always Greener: ' Hellidays' and 'Heavacations'
It's well known that variety is the spice of life: what we're asking is why it shouldn't also be the spice of death. After several highly productive talks with Heaven representatives, we have created a "holidays" scheme that will greatly benefit both Heaven and Hell. What we propose is that every occupant of The Afterlife (excluding Purgatory) spend one day every six months in that area of the Afterlife of which they are not an occupant. This benefits us and Heaven equally: our residents, who may have begun to feel inured against our tortures, are reminded of exactly how terrible their situation is; and the residents of Heaven are reminded of the fate that will befall them should they fail to follow the rules. If this proposal is approved, Heaven has committed to confirming the logistics by early next week.

5. Image Matters: Blanket Tequila Ban
Because your 'Pearly Gates' pun is getting really old. Also, St Peter has started to complain about having to wash spray-painted dicks off the PGs every Saturday morning, and he's got the patience of a...well, you know.


Brooke said...

You, sir*, are made of win.

*lady didn't sound as good.

Judearoo said...

Might I suggest something (S)?
Add mindless lift music to foyer.

Also would like to add to the People who allow their children to behave like savage beasts in public areas category People who genuinely think everyone is honestly interested in their vile offspring and insist on speaking to them VERY loudly on public transport so we can all enjoy the inane babblings of their darlings and beam indulgently at this picture of family bliss. Makes me wish Id mastered the ability to projective vomit at will...

Esmerelda said...

You may either include this in another, or add a level:

Baristas who make crap coffee. I am not paying an exorbitant amount of money for monkey piss. My suggested punishment is watering down every drink they have to consume in Hell with window-washing fluid. Because that is what I'm drinking right now.

Anonymous said...

I always wondered when a spelling for zhuzhing would surface. Must tell the wife - she uses it three times a day.

Pathetically excited.

Charlie said...

Much needed improvements I think

IT IS ALLY said...

Brooke - thank you! I am ok with 'sir'.

Judearoo - Oh goodness me yes. Actually there should be a whole new level for people who behave badly on public transport. My father, who used to be a bus driver, referred to his passengers as 'the old and the mad, the young and the poor' and that pretty much sums it up.

Esmerelda - With you on that. There is nothing worse than a bad cup of coffee.

Matthew - I made that spelling up. So it may not be correct.

Charlie - thank you!