Wednesday, November 04, 2009

New Christian Friends

I am friends with some Christians! Those of you who know me will be squirting coffee out your nose/ shaking your head in disappointment as my usual response to religious folk is to say, "Oh, you believe in that? That's nice. Would you like to invest in a Nigerian bank?"

But, in my defense, I didn't know! They're smokin' drinkin' swearin' Stealth Christians , who are pretty fun and who have not yet tried to convert me. (I have to say this, because at least one of them - of whom I am very fond - reads this blog.)

Kate said, "They'll try to convert you."
Me: "No they won't, they're not that sort of Christian."
Kate: "They all are! You'll be like, "You know what I need? A beer!" and they'll go, " need Jesus." Once one of [her ex] David's friends invited us to a BBQ. We were driving there, then they turned off and pulled into a parking lot, and then we went into this hall, and David and I were like, "Oooh, food! Wait...this is a church."

Another friend had a similar story, about the time her partner and her were invited to a BBQ at a community hall or similar (it always seems to be BBQs) which took a horrible turn.

"We got there, and the BBQ was outside, so we ate and drank and chatted, then eventually everyone moved inside. I thought, "Oh, we're moving inside." Then a couple of people got out guitars and I thought, "Oh, a sing-a-long!" Then they started singing [name of a worship song which I have forgotten]. Then they all sat in a circle and talked about God, and this awful girl gave a testimony, and the whole thing was for our benefit, and we were ages away from the doors, so we couldn't just sneak out.

Her name was Fiona, and she was an etymologist, and she was skinny with awful huge glasses and greasy hair and terrible acne. Like a bug with pizza face. And she talked about how she came to Jesus, because she had allergies, and she closed her eyes and prayed to God to stop her sinuses being sore, and halt her runny nose. And then she said, "I felt the finger of God-" here she placed her finger on her upper lip -"stem the flow.""

At this point my friend stood up and declared that she had just remembered a prior appointment.

Tonight after work I am going to a function to celebrate the refurbishment of a funeral home (they are work clients). I shall let you know how this goes. I am probably going to drink too much and make inappropriate comments about necrophilia.


Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

There are inappropriate comments about necrophilia now? When did this happen?

Lola Lakely said...

I checked you out because of MLS. I'm glad i did because you had me at your profile with Tall. Dark. Handsome. Drunk. I'm not dark but I'm drunk. At least according to my blog posts. Plus, your blog caught my interest. I think I'll follow you from now on.
And if inappropriate comments about necrophilia is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

mysterg said...

I once got tricked into going on a date with a girl, only to find out it was a church picnic...I was not impressed!

At least I returned the favour and gave her some sins to confess however.

Joff said...

*desperately tries not to make inappropriate comment regarding feeling the finger of god*

omchelsea said...

Urgh.... Christians.

Anonymous said...

I'll be more impressed when you have Mormon friends. If they don't convert you when you're alive, they'll do it in a special ceremony after you're dead. AND their beliefs were written by a dude who was stoned and taking dictation from a salamander!

Anxiously awaiting the funeral home update.

otherworldlyone said...

Stealth Christians are pretty good in bed, and they don't have Catholic guilt so they won't whine when it's over about how they are SOOO going to hell.

If I believed all the lectures my G-ma gave me...I would believe Jesus was a very angry dude with lightening bolts he throws to smite gays, Baptists, people that buy anything Red, and Obama.

Thankfully, I'm not into Jesus hype.

P.S. Inappropriate comments on necrophilia....awesome!

Josh said...

"You are my favourite boy. No wait, you are my second favourite boy, after Jesus." - Charlotte Woodpaddock, circa 2004

Baglady said...

Yup. Them christans. They're devious fo sho.

wv= stnes. The patron saint of devious barbecues.

IT IS ALLY said...

Everyone - am so glad you feel that way about necrophilia. I'll be at your funerals for sure.

Lola - welcome! and thank you!

Joff - yeah. That was where my mind went, too.

Lety - that. sounds. awesome.

Josh - HAHAHAHA I had totally forgotten about that!