I am friends with some Christians! Those of you who know me will be squirting coffee out your nose/ shaking your head in disappointment as my usual response to religious folk is to say, "Oh, you believe in that? That's nice. Would you like to invest in a Nigerian bank?"
But, in my defense, I didn't know! They're smokin' drinkin' swearin' Stealth Christians , who are pretty fun and who have not yet tried to convert me. (I have to say this, because at least one of them - of whom I am very fond - reads this blog.)
Kate said, "They'll try to convert you."
Me: "No they won't, they're not that sort of Christian."
Kate: "They all are! You'll be like, "You know what I need? A beer!" and they'll go, "No...you need Jesus." Once one of [her ex] David's friends invited us to a BBQ. We were driving there, then they turned off and pulled into a parking lot, and then we went into this hall, and David and I were like, "Oooh, food! Wait...this is a church."
Another friend had a similar story, about the time her partner and her were invited to a BBQ at a community hall or similar (it always seems to be BBQs) which took a horrible turn.
"We got there, and the BBQ was outside, so we ate and drank and chatted, then eventually everyone moved inside. I thought, "Oh, we're moving inside." Then a couple of people got out guitars and I thought, "Oh, a sing-a-long!" Then they started singing [name of a worship song which I have forgotten]. Then they all sat in a circle and talked about God, and this awful girl gave a testimony, and the whole thing was for our benefit, and we were ages away from the doors, so we couldn't just sneak out.
Her name was Fiona, and she was an etymologist, and she was skinny with awful huge glasses and greasy hair and terrible acne. Like a bug with pizza face. And she talked about how she came to Jesus, because she had allergies, and she closed her eyes and prayed to God to stop her sinuses being sore, and halt her runny nose. And then she said, "I felt the finger of God-" here she placed her finger on her upper lip -"stem the flow.""
At this point my friend stood up and declared that she had just remembered a prior appointment.
Tonight after work I am going to a function to celebrate the refurbishment of a funeral home (they are work clients). I shall let you know how this goes. I am probably going to drink too much and make inappropriate comments about necrophilia.