Sunday, February 07, 2010

NEIN

I have got up and put the coffee on and now I am about to issue a public health warning:

Don't go and see Nine. I saw it last night. It is a thoroughly unsuccessful* movie adaptation of a Broadway musical. If you're wondering just how unsuccessful, one of the highlights is Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. It is a musical, but there are no duets or ensemble numbers - the formula is 'introduce character - give them a song - take them away again.' Do not, under any circumstances, venture beyond basic character development.

Nine stars Daniel Day-Lewis, who should know better, playing uninspired Italian director Guido Contini. One feels rather sorry for DDL, who appears to have agreed to do the movie while drunk and then been too much of a good guy to go back on his word, or something. He does well in the dramatic parts. He has two songs where he leaps about on scaffolding shouting his own name. In these he does not do so well.

Whole idea of movie is that DDL is inspired by 7 women- his wife, his mistress, his costume designer, his mother, an American journalist, a prostitute he knew as a child, and the leading lady of his films.

Marion Cotillard (wife) is too good to be in this film. Five stars.
So is Judi Dench (costume designer), although she does wear a horrid wig and sing a ridiculous song about the Folies-Bergere. What a trooper. Certificate of participation, and permission to keep reputation as a serious actress.
Penelope Cruz (mistress) made audience uncomfortable with slutty dance and inability to act. Two stars and a Put Some Pants on Pene! award.
Fergie (prostitute) is surprisingly not awful. Gets best song. Three and a half stars because good effort, but you're still in the BEP.
Kate Hudson (American journalist, completely unnecessary role) is surprisingly old and fat. Audience feels sorry for Kate, who is given idiotic part and looks like an idiot. Two and a half stars, but only out of sympathy.
Nicole Kidman (leading lady) looks bored (more so than usual). Couple of stars for turning up.
Sophia Loren(mother) looks like a Skeksis with hair. Terrifying. One star for not being dead despite looking like she should be.


In conclusion: this could have been a really good drama, but they filled it with terrible songs. This is Band of Brothers, but every time something interesting was about to happen the cast of High School Musical arrive and start singing about school spirit.

I have decided that the logic behind it must've been that when you're watching a musical it is easier to subtly fart. (Battle scenes are also good for this. "What was that?" "Uh, cannon fire.") I farted throughout!

7 comments:

Holly said...

I can't believe all those people were in it and yet it was still terrible!

I do like musicals though, so perhaps I will wait until it comes out on DVD (or is it out already, I have no idea) and then watch it just because I am curious.

IT IS ALLY said...

Yeah, it might be better on DVD, so you can go and have a cup of tea in between songs - it's very episodic. You could watch it on & off during the day!

Tarryn said...

urgh. Im so disappointed now. I was so keen for it and now im so not.

*uncorked said...

Damn it. I really wanted to see this one and hoped it would carry on my love of Moulin Rouge and Chicago. I'll probably still go see it, but wait until it goes to the Brew and View so I can drink during it.

a cat of impossible colour said...

It looks awful. I am boycotting it already.

EssEll said...

OMG. I'm breaking my lurking streak to give a resounding huzzah to this post.

You are completely correct. Nine is RUBBISH. I love musicals on the whole, I'm generally quite tickled by them as a genre, and went to see it with a friend who is equally pleased by them. And yet we left the cinema absolutely perplexed.

I've been telling all I know to avoid it. And you're right! There's no plot! There's no character development, no theme, no message, no conclusion, no story! Guido can't write his script. Song. Guido can't write his script. Song. And so on for several hours.

I too was shocked it was that bad, considering the calibre of people they had involved. I guess it goes to show a rubbish script with really badly written songs will never make a good film, no mater what kind of cast you throw at it.

Also, since I've never ventured from lurkdom before, I think your blog is great. I can't remember how I came across it, if I'm truthful, but I've been reading regularly for a while now and I think you're hilarious. :)

I like it so much (and am so addicted to the internet), in fact, that despite the fact that I'm in India right now (I normally reside in Ireland), I'm checking it instead of, I don't know, riding in a rickshaw.

But yeh, Nine's dreadful. :D

IT IS ALLY said...

Tarryn, *uncorked - sorry to spoil the excitement. It really does suck, though.

EssEll - welcome out of the shadows! Am glad you agree - I thought for a second I might be being too harsh (Penelope C has been nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for it, which is RIDICULOUS) but no. It is terrible. Have a fantastic time in India!