Friday, August 27, 2010

Fancypants

Last night the Pilot and I went to a fancy restaurant. I love fancy restaurants because I like to pretend that I am fancy.

I'm not.

(Also, why does the lion have nipples? That look like little balls of string?)

Normally I'm not very good at fancy restaurants because I tend to get drunk and become strikingly unfancy. The same goes for dressing up nicely - I put on something pretty and throw a large amount of makeup at my face then trip over and say FUCK and the illusion is spoilt.

Once I went out for dinner wearing a lovely black strapless dress, which had a ribbon attached at the back - you tie the ribbon in a bow round the front. I was on my best behaviour right up until the point where the ribbon came loose, my date said, "What's that trailing behind you?" and I roared, "Ahhh shit, the fucker's come undone." Illusion ruined.

The restaurant last night was lovely, though. The owner - who knows the Pilot, which was convenient on the free-glass-of-bubbles front - was a fantastic host, and made us feel very special and very important and also very pretentious and also, eventually, very poor but it was totally worth it.

Here were my three favourite things:

1. When we went outside so the Pilot could indulge in a cigarette, the waiter (who was French, but I don't think it was on purpose) asked if I wanted a shawl. A shawl! I was completely startled and sort of shouted, "Shawl! Oh! Yes!" and all of a sudden there was a Large Blanket just for Me!

2. When we sat down for dinner, the menus had our names on them. As in, typed up before we arrived. 'Welcome to Restaurant, Ally and the Pilot' they said.

3. When we ordered starters, I had to ask the Pilot what cornichons were, which was hideously embarrassing until it turned out that he didn't know either. I suspected they were a sort of nut, but it turns out they are tiny, delicious pickles. Why they couldn't just put that on the menu I'm not sure. Tiny delicious pickles! I love going out for dinner.

I'm still not very fancy, though.

SHOWER MOHAWK FUCK YEEEAAAAAAH!

13 comments:

Posie Patchwork said...

Love the dinner date story, yes, i like menus which are simple, it's just exciting to be out!!
Shower mohawks, why did i ever stop doing them?? Off to the bathroom now to give one a go, love Posie

otherworldlyone said...

That sounds like a fantastic date. And I hope the pilot likes the "unfancy" you, because that's the best part. You're awesome. I mean, a shower mohawk...c'mon! :)

Salty Miss Jill said...

Feh, fancy. I'd rather have fun! Which is exactly what you sound like. :)

Christine said...

Fancy's only fun if you're faking it. I mean, people who do fancy for real? Total bores.

Chanel said...

They offered you a SHAWL? Where is this place, in the victorian era?! (And I mean that in the nicest way possible because that is ADORABLE.)

*uncorked said...

I loved this! You're my hero. And that lion is actually a little creepy - the nipples are mocking me or something. Fancy is fun sometimes, usually I just enjoy goofy dates. Either way I always get drunk and make an ass out of myself. But the ones who call back and can appreciate that, those are the keepers.

Em said...

NOBODY does fancy like you. I hope the pilot appreciates you on your best behaviour. You were, right?

IT IS ALLY said...

Posie - Yay! Hope it works out well. Send me a photo and I'll put together a Shower Mohawk post

ow1 - Yeah, he does. He is all about the shower mohawk.

SMJill - Thank you! I think fancy can be fun if you refuse to take it seriously.

Christine - Exactly! But it's so fun to fake.

Chanel - I know! It's in Linwood. Which isn't very Victorian :(

V - Weird lion indeed. That's why I'm roaring and mocking him in the photo. And he's getting used to my goofy drunkenness. The Pilot, that is. Not the lion.

Em - I was! Kind of. I was on the best behaviour I have :p

bluzdude said...

I thought you should have worn the shower mohawk out to the fancy dinner. I mean, come on! It's just too adorable for words.

a cat of impossible colour said...

Did they also give you smelling salts?

Anonymous said...

I don't like you referring to your date as 'the pilot' ... too formal. I think you should make up a name for him, something weird but might just be a real person's name ... call him 'Travis'?

a cat of impossible colour said...

Anonymous - I would actually be more comfortable if she called him something like 'Enormous Cock' or 'Darth Vader' or 'Egbert.'

IT IS ALLY said...

bluzdude - Next time!

Andrea - No! But they probably would have if I keeled over.

Anon, Andrea - Travis doesn't really suit him. How about Darth Cockbert?