Monday, September 20, 2010

Shower Wees!

After a significant amount of research, I have come to the conclusion that weeing in the shower is like pulling faces at blind people ignoring people collecting for charity; everyone does it, but no-one wants to be the first one to own up to it. In the course of my research I have had these two conversations about ten times each.

Conversation One
Me: "Soooo... do you pee in the shower?"
Other Person: "No! That's disgusting."
Me: "Oh, I totally do, I thought everyone did."
Other Person: "OK yeah I totally do."

Conversation Two
Me: "Soooo... do you pee in the shower?"
Other Person: "Umm, why?" Pause. "Do you?"
Me: "Oh, you know, sometimes."
Other Person: "Yeah, me too. Sometimes."
Me: "Actually I kind of usually do."
Other Person: "Yeah... yeah, I pretty much always do."

For those of you who are thinking 'oh, this is disgusting,' hear me out.

I mean, there's really no reason not to pee in the shower! You're already naked, so don't need to expend energy removing pants; you're standing in running water, so it's not like the waste is going to linger forever*; and most importantly you're saving a) toilet paper and b) water from the flush, so you're helping to save the environment. Peeing in the shower isn't gross. Peeing in the shower means you have a social conscience.

Like everything, though, Shower Wees are not without rules. In my opinion - and feel free to add to this in the comments - here are the three cardinal rules of Shower Urination.

1. Only In Your Own Shower
Shower whizzin' is one of the few times where you can disregard the 'don't shit where you eat' rule (but not literally, because a wee in the shower is a long way from a crap in the pantry). As long as you clean the shower, you can do what you like in it.

But don't go in someone else's shower, though. Once I got in someone else's shower and I started weeing completely by accident because it's a natural reaction to being in the shower first thing in the morning, and by the time I realised, Oh my God, I am peeing in my friend's shower, I was pretty much almost done so I just carried on. I still feel pretty guilty about that. That's not cool. The exception here, of course, is hotel showers - I am a firm believer that when you're on holiday, you can urinate where you want. You know, within reason.

2. Only When You're Alone
A friend tells a story about one time when she showered with her husband, who had vowed to love, cherish and honour her and decided, on this particular morning, to show it by weeing on her leg. "I put my hand out to stop him," she said, "but then he just weed on my hand!"
Don't do that. That's not how we show someone we love them. Don't wee in the shower when there is someone else in there with you, Nigel.

3. Only As A Side Note
Because if you start getting in the shower every time you need to have a wee, there's just something wrong.

And now, for something not related to urination: If you're up/down/bipolar in Wellington in the next couple of weeks, go and check out My First Time. It's a play, on at Circa, absolutely hilarious, and well worth your hard-earned ca$h - I heard of this, and arranged tickets through the rather charming Aaron Alexander, who not only does a great South African accent - harder than you would think - but has also just had a baby! (Well, his wife has.) That's plenty of reasons to go and see it right there, but in case you're not 100% sold it's all about sex. Aaron: I am so sorry to stick you in the shower wee post but it seemed like a good idea at the time and you never know, it might just work. (Please, everyone, go to the show and back me up on this.)

* on which note, why is it ever necessary to clean the shower? Are showers not, by their very nature, self-cleansing? All you ever put in a shower is hot water, and urine - which contains ammonia**! What do you clean things with? Hot water, and cleaning product... which contains ammonia! Man, I am never cleaning the shower again. Except, you know. With my pee.

** uh, I think.


Ellie said...

Damn straight. On all counts. I've often wondered the whole cleaning question. Then notice mold spores and panic that life form will evolve and eat me. Not in a good way, more the losing-flesh-and-bringing-about-world-apocalypse way.

Kate said...

OK I can honesty say...I don't. No, really.

Clearly, *I'm* the freak in this situation. Not sure how to handle that.

cerebral e said...

Once I stayed in a hotel for a student convention and because we had booked out the entire hotel, I ended up with the disabled room, which had a huge wheelchair-accessible shower complete with fold down chair (um, yeah, I assume if you take your own chair in the shower you don't need the folding one). My friends and I who were sharing the room had to promise not to pee anywhere near the fold down chair. Because we needed it, frequently, for hungover showering and beer drinking showering.

AnaDrea said...

I don't either, but I'm pretty sure my husband does. This is a constant point of contention between us. I thought of sharing this post with him because it made me laugh, but then decided it would only fuel his fire...

pserean said...

my god.
i thought this kind of thing only happened on tv!

even scarier. my mother was right. always wear flipflops in a hotel bathroom.
(and never EVER lean against an outside wall.)

Em said...

I don't because I clean the shower. Nothing like cleaning wee, I say.

But now you've put this in my head I will check with all members of the family. And if they wee, they clean. Thanks for that.

SLEEP500 said...

Pissing in the shower is fucking gross. There is probably a toilet in your bathroom and the only reason you don't use it is because you're lazy and smelly and disgusting.

Seriously, pissing in the shower is something people who overestimate the conveniences of the first world.

Toilets are for excretion, showers are for cleansing.

Pissing on down your legs is not cleaning. Urine may be sterile but it's not sterilising.

Anonymous said...

In that coincidental way of the universe... I took my eldest son (3) to the pool today and after swim, in one of the private family change rooms - not equipped with toilet - he had a need arise.

I suggested the shower.

He was not keen.

After encouragement and, ahem, a demonstration he enthusiastically went shower wees.

It was his First Time!

Thanks for coming to the play, by the way, and thanks for blogging it.

(Come to think of it, it also connects because, if I remember rightly, Constant Readers, your hostesses story of her 'first time' involved both a shower and wees. though not necessarily in that order.

I think that's what she said...

Juicebox said...

I try to get it in the plughole without any going around the sides. It's like a competence test. If I can't do it, I am too hungover to go to work.

Kelly said...

This post reminded me of this story from Brazil last year:

Those crazy Brazilians actually promoted shower wees on telly!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil said...

I used to wee in the shower when I was in my teens. But somehow my Catholic indocrination made me think it was a bad thing. So I stopped.

Now I am over *ahem* forty, I feel free to pee in the garden, especially on Lemon trees at night time when I think the neighbours can't see me.

PS word verification: worst !!??

Phil said...

Or... ladies, you could use the portable stand-up urination device for women, called The SheWee. Drink like a woman - pee like a man!

"When positioned securely under the crotch, and with underwear pushed to the side, Shewee directs urine away from the body to a suitable place, such as a toilet, a container or a conveniently located tree!"

a cat of impossible colour said...

Phil - A friend of mine spent six months in Antarctica, and the SheWee was the ... er ... receptacle of choice for the female scientists when they went off base to do their work! She should have kept it. And maybe framed it.

Juli Ryan said...

Ha! This post reminds me of when Madonna told David Letterman that peeing in the shower is an antiseptic to fight athlete's foot.

Amy said...

Gosh, I'm going to sound so uptight, but I don't pee in the shower. The ocean, yes. Outdoors while on road trips, yes. I just think about the pee hitting the steam and mixing with the steam and then breathing in the steam and I can't handle the thought of breathing in pee.

Riadan said...

apparently pissin' on yer feets cures, or is a treatment for athletes foot. Or athletes feet. One or the other. And as to pissin' on another in the shower, what if you both really like it? Or if you aren't sure, just to try it once because you heard the neighbours did it and they seemed to have fun.

Or not, peeing on people doesn't actually sound that awesome. Remind me to make some open minded friends so I can see if I like it.

*uncorked said...

Yeah, I can't say I'm with you on this one. I don't really have anything against it, per se. But I just don't do it.

Anonymous said...

Right, so what's your take on house sharing.
I live with my brother and he is six feet of fucking foul. I hate the thought of just sitting on the same toilet seat as him.
So do you think it's okay that we both piss in the same shower?
Strangely, I'd feel different if it was one of my lovely lady bitches.

Neza said...

Well. I totally do. Many times because my boyfriend sits on the toilet. For like an hour or so.

And I do it because I clean the shower.

Hehe, thank you.

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

I'm not used to this work thing - I was reading this blog in the newsroom and it wasn't until the chief walked in that I realised its not suitable for the office computer :-(