Animals and Other Lies

Animals and Other Lies is the TV documentary series which is going to make me famous. If you haven't heard of it yet, that is because I just invented it. Or rather, Justin and I just invented it.

I, Justin vented it?

ANYWAY. Justin (who is @nzJayZee on Twitter and worth your follow) has a pair of pet ducks or duck friends which live outside his apartment or magical duck sidekicks or something. I'm not sure of the detail, but he knows ducks, and mentioned the other day that one of them was "making the angry quack".

I said that "making the angry quack" was a brilliant Nature Phrase and I hoped to one day hear David Attenborough say it during a serious documentary. "And here, the big male is making the angry quack..."

Justin said this was unlikely and we would have to "take matters into our own hands". Because I work in the fast-paced world of online media, I was quick to seize upon this idea.

Now. While most of the natural world is fascinating -

We are tiny monkeys that are the size of your hand and look like we are wearing chain mail and we totally exist

there are lots of documentaries about that already. What Justin suggested, and I whole-heartedly support, is that we perhaps make a documentary about the lesser-known animals, and where it was suitable, "make up outrageous lies [about] their physical capabilities & their social lives".

Can you picture it? I can picture it. There would be me, wearing my Serious Animal Journalist expression*

BRACE YOURSELF SON, SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET INVESTIGATIVE

and saying things like, "The elusive snub-nosed lemurcoon is a common sight on England's forest floors. His distinctive brown and white plumage allows him to blend in with trees, moths and passing herds of feral cattle."

Then it would say "Dramatisation" and there would be a picture of a chihuahua with a box on its head, wandering about in the garden.

"The lemurcoon is a shy animal, but the patient photographer can eventually capture a shot of its delicate woolen plumage."

Really, there is no reason why 'Animals and Other Lies' wouldn't be the best documentary series ever. Justin said it would win many awards, "even ones in totally unrelated categories!!"

Best sports reporter: Animals and Other Lies
Best drama: Animals and Other Lies
Eurovision winner: Animals and Other Lies

I know. It is amazing that I am not famouser already.

*Work had a professional photographer come and take all our pictures for use in "internal documents" and somehow everyone's photos have turned out Very Moody. Mine are also all INEFFABLY TRAGIC, as if I have just stepped on a puppy and am asking myself why.