Sunday, October 13, 2013

Slower than Chickens

I'm just going to pretend I haven't been not-blogging for the last ages, and launch straight into some news stuff.

I have been going to the gym!  And doing exercise things while I'm there.  ("I went to the gym."  "How was it?"  "Looked nice.")  It's a work gym so there is hardly ever anyone there, which means I can listen to the radio and chug away on the cross-trainer for 20 minutes.  The main benefit is not that I am quickly becoming a lean, sexy exercise machine (although obviously this is also the case) but that I don't have to think about work at all for a whole 20 minutes of the day.  Instead I think about things like "I wonder if Katy Perry gets embarrassed about the songs she has to sing" and "how is she roaring louder than a lion, while also being a tiger, while also being a champion, while also having the eye of the tiger?" and "my legs are sore" and "woah, maybe I should invest in a sports bra".

To give you a more precise and scientific idea of my exercise excellence, yesterday my average speed during the 20 minutes was 11.5 km/h.  Which as it turns out is slightly slower than the top land speed of a chicken*, which is somewhat less impressive than I thought it would be.   Anyway, WATCH YOUR BACK, USAIN.  


chicken not pictured

I would love to tell you exotic stories of travelling the world and visiting ancient monuments and appearing on talk shows but actually most of the stuff I have been doing is just work.  I'm now doing some more interesting and/or important things at work, which is both interesting and terrifying as the "you are a competent, highly skilled professional" section of my brain goes up against the "you are a small child in a business outfit with no idea what you are doing, and everyone is going to find out" section on a daily basis.  

Here is a typical example:

Inner Me: "HEY EVERYONE I had an idea for a cool business thing that we could do!" or sometimes, "This is ridiculous. Why are we doing this thing this dumb way? I WILL CHANGE IT FOR THE BETTER, I GOT THE EYE OF THE TIGER, KATY PERRY RAH RAH RAH."
Outer Me: "Do you have a second to catch up about the current way we X our Y? I think, strategically, we could get more impact from our Y if we change the way we X."
Boss: "What's the business case?"
Inner Me: "It's a tiny suitcase I keep all of my important business things in! Hahaha! Haha. Ha."
Outer Me: "Blah blah, maximise resource, blah blah."
Boss: "OK great, can you look after that?"
Inner Me: "OH FUCK NOW I HAVE TO LOOK AFTER THAT THING. HOW DID I NOT THINK THIS THROUGH."
Outer Me: "Confident professional noises, work-based comments."

And then I do the thing and sometimes it goes well and sometimes it does not, and that's pretty much work at the moment.  

More blog soon.  Promise.

*but somewhat faster than the average speed of the average spider, so I guess I feel a little bit better now. 



4 comments:

Stephen Stratford said...

Hooray. Welcome back!

chris rees said...

Well, so much for faking your own death. You've fucked that RIGHT up.

Christina said...

Welcome back!

Your professional self is incredibly good at going "LA LA LA not listening" to your inner self. Mine is less good. Luckily, current boss is the type to swan in and say "I notice you've been working hard. I suggest you adopt aristocratic hours and bugger off a bit early today". Professional self is never quite sure if she's being tested, but inner self is like "wheeeeee!"

Being faster than spiders is a highly underrated skill.

IT IS ALLY said...

Stephen - Thank you!

Chris - WOOO, SPOOKY POST FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. SO SPOOOOKY. No? No. Sorry.

Christina - Thank you! My professional self is sort of like the carapace of a beetle, I suppose. Your current boss sounds awesome!