Friday, December 27, 2013

Christmas & Things (but Mostly Christmas)

Hello everyone, I hope you all had properly relaxing Christmases!  The neighbours are listening to Jingle Bell Rock and having a barely-suppressed argument* about school choices, so obviously their Christmas is still going.  

[EDIT: just realised this post gets better towards the end; should you become bored early, skip down to the nice picture I drew of me at the gym and go from there.]

Started writing about Christmas traditions in my family but it quickly became boring**, so I deleted it and will instead share with you a Nana Fact. 

Nana, who is 97, has been around longer than most of the Christmas carols you know and love, including but not limited to 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' and 'Little Drummer Boy'!  This is now my second favourite Nana Fact.***  Favourite one is in the footnotes, that is what those little stars mean.

My Christmas was excellent both company and presents-wise, although less traditional than normal; not only were there minimal carols and not a brandy snap in sight, but HB and I went to the gym on Christmas morning and did Festive Rowing Machine and Festive Bench Press and Festive Midair Situps Thing.  I tried to Google Midair Situps Thing so I could show you what I meant, but it's actually quite hard to google something that you don't know the name of, so instead I have drawn you a picture:

Why am I naked?  Because it makes you gym better, that's why. 

Rather than ask HB to teach me all the proper names of the gym machines, I have named them myself; after all, who really wants to do something boring like an "Above-Head Press" when they could be doing "Pretend Rocky" or "Going Sideways!"   

("Going Sideways!" is my favourite exercise.  Least favourite is "Tricky Wrist Thing", because it's too fucking tricky.)

"Hey so yesterday I bench pressed 100kg- "  
"Yeah that's cool, but I did 20 go's on Boob Squidger."

In a final bit of Christmas news, HB and I braved the Boxing Day Sale crowds and discovered the most ridiculous piece of packaging ever.  It was in Acquisitions - sorry, I mean @cquisitions, because when you're selling overpriced homewares in a retail location it's important to be in touch with the savvy online youth of today - and it was the most obvious night-before, can't think of a slogan, 'let's just write something down then go for a beer' kind of an effort.

Anyway, time to pay attention, because siliconzone wish to offer us an invitation (or perhaps some life advice) via the eternal medium of their Egg Chair Collection.

Take a seat... an egg!

I can only hope this is one in a series of activity-related food storage products.  Stand up, have a panini!  Lie on your belly, have a bagel!  

Fart in the bath, enjoy a biscuit!  

As we were leaving, I noticed a fellow shopper had used the Scrabble magnets display to express their thoughts on siliconzone, @cquisitions, and Boxing Day in general: 

Quite.  Happy holidays.

*you know the ones - the arguments where you and someone else have realised that you completely disagree about the subject at hand, and also the other person is an idiot, but social circumstances/vestigial politeness prevent either of you from veering into proper argument territory because no-one wants to be the person who finally snapped and said, "WHATEVER, dicknuts" over the brandy sauce. Eventually whichever one of you is more concerned with being seen as the bigger person says "Well, agree to disagree" and you both seethe about it for ten minutes.  It's the Christmassiest kind of argument!  Except if anyone calls it an argument you instantly claim it's a 'discussion'.  Because that's what adults have, and we are all adults here, except for Peter, who is obviously a dicknuts. Pass the brandy sauce.

**"Oh, your family eats too much and plays board games? HOW FASCINATING, ALLY"

***My favourite is that she and Grandad's first date was a night tour of the Pyramids, because they were both stationed in Egypt during the war, and also because when Grandad and Ryan Gosling eventually meet in Heaven, Ryan Gosling is going to shake his hand and say "Lewis, despite being called Lewis, you are a suaver man than I could ever hope to be." 

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