Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Sunrise in Meatopia, and other magnificent products

So I was going to blog about Turkey and social media and Amazon recommendations and other interesting things, and then I found this elephant that dispenses cigarettes out of its butt, and now nothing else seems quite as important as letting you all know that it is a product that exists in the world.


Someone, somewhere, thought of this and was delighted with themselves.

There is also a donkey version:


There is an instant $150 fine for not displaying your anti-pickaxe sign 

Reviews were favourable: 

"It is exactly what it looks like and yes, the cig comes out his butt. Just buy it now and quit messing around."


"When company comes [my daughter] offers them a cigarette. Holding the donkey she pulls on the ear, the tail raises up and a cigarette comes out of the tail. What a wonderful gift."


WHAT A WONDERFUL GIFT, INDEED.


Obviously I have ordered one.  I will let you know when it arrives.


While I was in the area (the Internet has areas) I thought I'd see what other magnificent products the makers of of this cigarette-pooping menagerie produce.  I was not disappointed. 


Instant Audience:

Again, someone came up with this product, and was proud.
Function:  Makes noise of many people clapping.  Or booing.  Depending on which button you press.

Reviews:  Generally positive. "Very entertaining. I can think of four more people I want to get this for."


Do I need this product?  Yes.  Yes I do.  I need this so that when I am in a meeting, and Nigel is also in the meeting, and Nigel and I are having a spirited discussion about best distribution of resource or some other meetingy bollocks, I can wait until he says "Can I get some buy-in on this?  Photographs of company hats are clearly the best use of the email space!" and then I can push the 'BOO' button and pretend it wasn't me.  


There is also an 'Emergency Horse Noises' version, which would come in handy in meetings too -


Rupert from Marketing, approaching the whiteboard: "Let's establish the key business priorities coming into Q3-"  

*horse noise*
Me: "Was that a horse?  We'd better go outside."

MEETING ADJOURNED, MOTHERFUCKERS.


Inflatable Beard of Bees:


Inflatable beard of bees.
Function:  'None of the danger of using real bees.'

Reviews:  Mixed.  Common theme is that bee pattern looks like puke, and product is not as attractive to women as first expected.


"The fact that someone was able to sell this idea to any company (even a novelty products company) and have it go through an actual production run is a herculean feat of nihilistic excess."


"It's so bafflingly, mindnumbingly stupid that I would be wary of being in the same vicinity of anyone who's malfunctioning brain told them that this product was worth more to them than having an extra 10 US American dollars."


"This bee beard is a joke, I wore it to the annual beekeepers festival and was the laughing stock of the whole place."


Do I need this product?  I'm going to go with 'probably not'.


'Sunrise in Meatopia' puzzle

"so what do you do?"  "well actually I'm an artist"

Function:  It is a jigsaw puzzle of a pastoral landscape made entirely of meat.

Reviews:  No reviews!  I don't know why there are no reviews, this is a magnificent product.  And yet, no-one has taken the time to give feedback on the hot dog cabin with the pepperoni roof.  No-one has described their delight at the sausage canoe floating on the lake of gravy.  This is a jigsaw that includes a bacon waterfall!  Why the fuck have more people not bought this.


Do I need this product?  Honestly, if this was an artwork and not a puzzle, I would have already purchased it to display proudly in my living room.  


Set of Ten Finger Hands Finger Puppets


hey bob do you think we can get finger into the product name one more time

Function:  Nope. 


Reviews:  There are no reviews, because no-one in their right mind would buy this abomination.


Do I need this product?  Fuck this product.   Buy the cigarette-pooping elephant instead.




All images from Amazon.com.

3 comments:

bekkitae said...

Please do update if Fads (or whichever candy cigarettes are available where you are) can be equally easily distributed via said elephant's behind.

Anonymous said...

I shall! Ours are called Spaceman - http://idealog.co.nz/media/images/issues/39/space_man_candy_sticks.jpg - and they're a bit thinner and shorter than cigarettes. Definitely worth a try though. Candy from an elephant's behind, dream of many a small child.
- Ally

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