Tuesday, September 29, 2015

In Which the Author makes an Error of Judgment

Hello it's me!  I hadn't blogged in AGES and I thought I probably should, because what if I die suddenly and my legacy is that terrible pilot rap?  That is not how I want the world to remember me, although if there was a massive group rap at my funeral I would be ok with that.

Wait, no I wouldn't, it would distract from the fireworks.

Sorry, future children.  Better luck with your dad's life insurance.

Anyway it is Healthy Living Month around here at the moment because, while I am generally pretty good at being a grown-up and doin' grown-up shit like 'paying bills' and 'getting car serviced' and 'consistently forgetting to put the rubbish out', left to my own devices there is a distinct tendency for me to go a little bit Henry VIII.

And then before you know it the floor is covered in chicken bones and you have soup on your bathrobe and you are drinking a self-invented cocktail called the Garlic Wallbanger because you did not go to the supermarket and thought it would be sensible to use up the garlic, but it wasn't, and also you still haven't put the rubbish out.

Side note: last week one of my neighbours decided on the spur of the moment that it was recycling day, and the whole street followed suit and put their cardboard and bottles out by the side of the road, only to sadly trundle them back inside again that evening because actually it wasn't recycling day after all.  I love it when this happens.  I wonder if anyone ever does it on purpose?  I also wonder if next week is recycling week.  I might just put my recycling out and see what hap- WAIT I GET IT NOW.

why, what does YOUR council's recycling campaign look like?

Anyway while I have not yet gone full Henry and (thankfully) the Garlic Wallbanger remains a figment of the imagination, I did decide to be more Good in General.  Which in reality means going to the gym slightly more and attempting to have dinners which aren't just a compilation of snacks.  This is going pretty well, but quite honestly now that I've compared myself to Henry VIII I'm bored with talking about it - I suspect you are relieved by this.

In other news, Button and I got fluoro lipsticks today; you may be asking "How fluoro can a lipstick really be," which was also my question right after I'd invested my $9 plus shipping, but it turns out the answer is very, and also the answer is where do I buy more.

you will most certainly have no trouble finding me in da club

Anyway, I've run out of news but here is the recipe for the imaginary Garlic Wallbanger.

1 part gin, or whatever alcohol you happen to have.  "part" means "amount sloshed into glass where you go 'huh that looks about right' and then tip in some more to be sure that the cocktail will in fact work.
1 clove garlic, or two if you're feeling adventurous
fizzy water, if you do not have fizzy water then get regular water and blow some bubbles in it with a straw. be the soda stream you want to see in the world!
maybe... cayenne pepper?  or an unsuitable spice of your choosing
something to garnish - mint and cherries and lemon wedges are traditional but this cocktail deserves something more.  garnish with star anise and charred Marmite or something.  you char it in the toaster.  I'm beginning to suspect you haven't done this before.

Instructions:

Put the gin into a glass.  Small glass means less gin, but large glass means more cocktail.  Your call.  Please don't put this in one of those fancy-ass dacquiri glasses, you will only be ashamed of yourself.
Wait, no!  Step one isn't putting in the gin.  Sorry.  Maybe just drink that gin so the glass is empty again.
Put the garlic into a glass.  Muddle it with your professional bar muddler, or a spoon, or the holding-onto end of a spatula if it's washing up day.  Muddle means smash it about.  Did you take the skin off first?  I hope you took the skin off first.
Once the garlic is mashed about and all up the walls of the glass, add the gin.  At this point, you should be beginning to question your decision to make this cocktail.
Put some ice in, if you have ice.  If you don't have ice, I hope you have been keeping that gin in the freezer, because warmth doesn't really help the um, the garlic ambience.
Add the cayenne pepper.  Holy shit not that much.  Take some back out.  Oh dear, you can't, it's all floating in the gin.  Add some more gin to make up for all the pepper. Muddle the garlic again for good measure.
Add fizzy water until the glass is full.  Stir.
Garnish with star anise and charred Marmite.
Pour down sink.

UPDATE: after writing down the instructions to the Garlic Wallbanger I thought it was only fair that I make it and let you know how it goes.  I have made it, and now I am afraid to drink it.


if you like pina coladas / you're about to get a horrible surprise

ANOTHER UPDATE: I have just taken my first sip and fuck I wish I had been out of cayenne pepper today.

REVIEW: At first sip it's vaguely savoury and refreshing and the cayenne pepper tingles lightly on the tongue and you go "Oh maybe this won't be so bad" and then HELLO, GARLIC AND GIN, and then there is a gentle aftertaste of cayenne and then there is a fucking massive aftertaste of garlic and then the cayenne comes back with a vengeance and oh my God, people, never ever make this.

I was about to say it wouldn't be that bad if it wasn't for all the cayenne but quite honestly it would.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I'm going to have another sip and see if it gets better.

UPDATE: IT DOES NOT GET BETTER

I HAD A THIRD SIP JUST IN CASE AND IT GOT WORSE AGAIN

I HAVE THROWN IT DOWN THE SINK

GOODNIGHT

(In the interests of honesty - I did not char the Marmite, but I very much doubt that it would have helped.)

5 comments:

Amanda Nelson said...

I love it. Maybe you can help me... I bought some truly awful grappa in the Qatar Duty free, mostly because the bottle had this beautiful blown glass horse at the bottom. [Aside: I tried to find a picture online by googling "grappa blown glass horse" and I cant find it but this picture of a glass kangaroo decanter did come up and I thought I would put it in http://www.miniaturebottles.net/product_show_1766.html] So now the bottle just sits there forlornly half full and since we live in Dubai and it is hard to buy more alcohol I feel we shouldn't just throw it out but neither of us can imagine drinking it. So I guess what i am saying is do you think this would be an appropriate substitute for the gin?

IT IS ALLY said...

Firstly, that is a beautiful kangaroo decanter and has gone straight onto the list of Things I Want to Own, but Shouldn't (it is a long list).
I definitely think the grappa would substitute in for the gin, but perhaps swap out the cayenne pepper for oregano? Or smoked paprika? I don't know that the cayenne and the grappa will really, you know, GO.
Alternatively, you could create something entirely new, like perhaps crushing three malt biscuits (or locally available alternative biscuit) into the bottom of the glass, then decanting the grappa onto these, then topping with ginger ale and cinnamon. Whether you drink the biscuits at the end or fish them out with a spoon really depends on the occasion.
Good luck! I hope whatever you make is impressively revolting.

chris rees said...

Amanda has the advantage (that you lack in Auckland) of being able to run screaming into the desert.

Sai Ch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vijayalakshmi K said...

Happy Birthday Wishes to u