In The Last 24 Hours I Did All Of These Things!* NOW WITH SPIDER

*more or less in this order, too

- Woke up at 3am knowing with complete certainty that a) I was about to vomit and b) under no circumstances could I vomit in my bed. Obviously the only thing I could do was vomit out my window. Then go straight back to sleep. Then wake up having forgotten about this entirely and only remembering when reminded by my startled and not altogether pleased mother. Jesus.

- Waterblasted bright orange vomit (previous evening's Butter Chicken making an unexpected comeback) off the side of the house.

- Waterblasted bright orange vomit off the dog.

- Saw the best white trash hairstyle ever! It was being sported by a spotty blond boy who looked like someone on a long-haul flight who has just realised that their seatmate stepped in dogshit prior to getting on the plane. The boy had a big long stringy fringe brushed straight forward and gelled down onto his head - the overall theme of the hairdo was 'stringy.' At the crown of his head he'd constructed a (stringy) Mohawk, and this continued down the back of his head, until it reached his neck. Then it turned into a stringy mullet. It looked pretty much like this -The reason he looks kind of smug because he's thinking about how freakin' awesome his hair is.

- Saw a small boy riding a bike along the footpath (resisted the urge to shout "Retard," you'll be pleased to hear). The weird part is that he had one hand on the handlebars, and was using the other hand to steady a small push scooter he was pulling along beside him. I know that he was probably taking it to a friend's house to play, or something, but it looked ridiculous, Biking Boy with Scooter. Almost said, "Hey, your dog's fallen off" but thought better of it. Am coming to realise that not many of the things I did in the last 24 hours are all that interesting.

- Thought that the reason for a small girl in the supermarket staring at me was because she was in awe of my beauty and sophistication and totally wanted to be like me when she grew up. Actually it was because my top had fallen open and a boob had popped out. Jesus.

- Spent three hours cooking! It was great. I made a pumpkin korma, a pork vindaloo and a somewhat strange but still tasty prawn & chicken kerala-style curry (whatever kerala-style is (strange but still tasty, presumably.)) I count it as a success. Speaking of which, you know what always succeeds? A toothless budgie. Boom boom.

- Not related, but people who say "children are the future" annoy me. Not only is it really quite a pompous thing to say but children are blatantly not the future. I mean, yes, of course I see what you're getting at, but technically nothing is the future except, you know, tomorrow & dates after that. It's like saying "children are eggs." Children are not eggs or the future they are children!

Tomorrow, jetpacks.

Why do mice have very small balls?
Not that many of them know how to dance.

EDIT: I also saved my grandmother from a spider! She has a lot of grey, wispy & perhaps somewhat weblike hair - she was saying something to me at the Indian dinner yesterday (does donating a couple of dishes of food along make me an Indian giver?) - when I noticed there was a rather large (and intrepid) spider in her hair. Nana is 92 and I wasn't sure how she would react to a spider crawling onto her face (i.e. with heart attack), so I had to act quickly and basically the end of the story is that I reached over and removed the spider by making it crawl onto my hand. I am very brave. Spiders are not pleasant. But it didn't bite me, Nana didn't have a heart attack, and we all lived happily ever after. (Including the spider.) I did, however, have a nasty dream about spiders last night.