The Ultimate12-Question Personality Test*

* Personality Test would be a pretty good band name.

Have you always suspected you're a bit of a Dreamer? A Thinker? A Reamer? A Stinker? A Beamer? A Drinker? A Schemer? A...

Now you can find out! Without any further ado, today is my birthday*: the Website would like to present...

The Ultimate 12-Question Personality Test

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) at night
c) doesn't matter, I'm usually pretty cheerful ^-^
d) whenever they want to be felt
e) when I am drunk

2. Draw a dog. What is it doing?
a) sitting/standing
b) lying down
c) barking
d) humping
e) not really sure, is very badly drawn

3. Hmm, OK, have another look at the dog. What is the dog's tail doing?
a) sticking out from the back end of the dog
b) just lying there
c) wagging!
d) forgot to draw tail
e) curling like tail of pig

4. OK, enough drawing, time for some writing. Complete the following:

"There once was a young man called Bevan
Who wanted to travel to Heaven.
With balloons and a chair
He took to the air..."

a) "...that remarkable young man called Bevan"
b)"...and was hit by a 747"
c) "...and eventually made it to Devon"
d) "...a celestial 7-11"
e) your limerick is not grammatically correct

7. Finish this sentence. Robots are...
a) awesome.
b) eventually going to kill us all
c) a great technological advance!
d) everywhere
e) already in our society - open your eyes, man, think for yourself!

5. Think about Christmas. Which colour do you associate with Christmas?
a) a jolly festive red or green
b) the soiled grey of trampled snow
c) a suitably joyful gold or silver
d) purple, blue or any other colour generally accepted as being completely unrelated to Christmas
e) the black of corporate greed, the black of consumerism

10. It is no longer Christmas. All of a sudden you are on an ocean liner, sunning yourself by the pool, sipping a cocktail of your choice, and eyeing up your dream man/woman. Who are they?
a) The gorgeous, tanned European tourist in the skimpy swimsuit
b) The elderly millionaire
c) The captain!
d) The underage pool boy ;)
e) The ordinary-looking, unpublished novelist with the fascinating brain

6. Which one of the following dreams I've had recently is closest to yours?
a) I went to the supermarket but it didn't look like the supermarket and you were there but you didn't really look like you, and we were trying to find tinned beans but there weren't any
b) I don't remember my dreams
c) I was a pastel-coloured unicorn flying through a Miami sunset with my unicorn friend
d) I gave birth to a live octopus in a bomb shelter
e) I was caught in a love triangle with a real-life colleague and a good-looking albino

11. The world is going to end in 6 hours, and you are the only person who knows. What do you do?
a) Attempt to warn friends & family; spend 6 hours being told you're full of shit
b) Be totally unsurprised. Wonder why things like this always happen to you. Get drunk
c) Declare your love to absolutely everyone you've ever fancied in the hopes that one of them will deliver the eleventh-hour shag
d) Go on a huge crime spree, safe in the knowledge that you will never be brought to justice
e) Not tell anyone, having decided it would be kinder to bear this burden of knowledge alone. Get drunk.

8. Close your eyes (after reading this sentence) and imagine that you are walking through a forest. You walk into a clearing, and there, to your amazement, stands...
a) any kind of mythical creature
b) a large and hungry bear
c) an angel/your best friend/your spirit guide
d) your naked mother
e) Napoleon's ghost

9. Speaking of mythical creatures, if you could ride one of the following to work, which one would it be?
a) Hippogriff, Dragon or anything else featured in Harry Potter
b) Nazgul, Direwolf or anything else with enormous dramatic potential
c) Unicorn, Pegasus or anything else horse-shaped
d) Anything which could be classified as 'undead'
e) Corporate responsibility! Ha!

12. Which of the following statements best sums up your attitude towards personality tests?
a) I don't set much store by them but they take up a couple of minutes -shrug-
b) They are bollocks but I have nothing better to do
c) They provide interesting, and sometimes surprising, insights into my psyche
d) I enjoy doing them but am sometimes worried by the results
e) They merely confirm what I already know about myself


ANSWERS

Mostly As - your personality type is Mundane, Ordinary, Fine, Ok (MOFO)
Congratulations! You are exactly the same personality type as the other 69% of the population who chose mostly A's. There's nothing wrong with being a MOFO - except that it makes you a little bit predictable. (Tee hee, '69%'.) On the upside, people generally get on with you because they know what to expect.
Advice for MOFOs: No-one's ended limericks like that since Edward Lear; stop telling other people about your boring dreams.

Mostly B's - your personality type is Emotional, Melancholy, Overindulged. (EMO)
I bet you're not surprised, are you. Your acronym even has one fewer letter than everyone else's - how typical. Personality tests always say you're an EMO. Like this one was going to be any different. At least you're interesting, unlike all those MOFOs.
Advice for EMOs: Stop writing poems late at night; stay out of the military.

Mostly C's - your personality type is Cheerful, Optimistic, Caring, Kind (COCK)
You are a genuinely happy person!! This really annoys everyone around you. However, you're not going to believe that last sentence, and will continue to spread your own special brand of joy everywhere you go until you are stabbed in the eye with a fork. The upside? Your plan for the last 6 hours of existence is better than everyone else's.
Advice for COCKs: Surround yourself with other COCKs to create a sausagefest of joy!

Mostly D's - your personality type is Narcissistic, Unwise, Troubled, Rebel (NUTR)
Congratulations! You are a certified NUTR. Most NUTR's are employed in the public service industry, unemployed and talking to themselves on the bus, or incarcerated. I am giving you these statistics about professions because, quite frankly, I don't want to touch your psychological issues with a ten-foot pole.
Advice for NUTR's: Robots are not actually everywhere; you should perhaps consider becoming a writer (bonus: it is a career you can continue while in the Big House.)

Mostly E's - your personality type is Dreamer, Intellectual, Clever, Kooky (DICK).
Wow. You're a total DICK. You're no doubt putting your liberal arts degree to good use by rejecting it as a useless societal construct, then tearing off a corner of it to roll a joint because you can't buy any papers until your grant gets approved (or your benefit comes through).
Advice for DICKs: The inner workings of your brain are not actually that fascinating; everyone knows that the protagonist of your unpublished novel is actually you.

I'm an EMO DICK! What are you?