Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Little Morbid

So I was thinking about how a lot of people don't like flying because of the whole possible-death aspect, and it occurred to me that maybe the reason I love flying so much is that as far as deaths are concerned I really don't consider fiery plane death a bad way to go.

Here are some ways I wouldn't want to go, though:

- Falling into meat grinder. Mainly because it would just be gross, not to mention undignified. Although I suppose there'd always be that little bit of uncertaintly surrounding whether or not people had eaten your mortal remains, which might be kind of fun for your family. Difficult to hold funeral, though; casket would just be packed full of mince which may or may not be you. Hahahaha. If I should fall into a meat grinder, please pack the casket with the delicious mince which may or may not be me.

- Trampled by stampeding wildlife. Sorry, Mufasa, but being trampled is not a classy way to go. Also, a fellow safarist would undoubtedly capture the whole thing on camera and, because they are American, put it on youtube. Mind you, at least you were on safari, not choking on a biscuit or something.

- While nude. Someone is going to have to deal with the traumatising experience of finding your lifeless body (unless you spontaneously combust or something, I guess) and bein' nekked is only going to make things worse, especially because they'll have an awful conflict of arousal and horror, leaving them unable to behave properly at funerals forever and eventually driving them mad.

- Mining disaster. Because there would be no worse way to go than being stuck underground, feeling your oxygen supply slowly run out, all with that damn BeeGees song stuck in your head.

- Any kind of 'own goal' death. Imagine how embarrassing it would be in the afterlife. "So how did you die?" "Fighting for my country." "Saving an orphan." "Trying to dance the tango with a bear." (Also not good: "Trying to fit an entire mince savoury in my mouth.")

- Swine Flu. Laaaaame.

And here are some deaths I would be pretty OK with.

- Plane crash. As far as deaths go, it would be fairly exciting. Also you wouldn't have to sit there going "Oh God, if only I had checked the expiry date on that tuna," because it wouldn't be your fault at all. I like things which are Not In Any Way My Fault, and see no reason why this shouldn't include death.

- Being hit by bus. There is a bus driver in Christchurch who has an eyepatch - a black, piratical one. Riding on his bus is always tinged with the threat of death.

- In sleep. Preferably whilst having sexy dream. "Look," they would say, "she died with a smile on her face."

- Gang shooting. Because then someone could avenge you. Also, your final words could be "Avenge me..." and that would be fairly epic. I sometimes think I should plan my final words, you know, just in case, but then probably they will be some kind of swear.

- Mountaineering. Because so many people would be so inconvenienced by trying to find your body. Also because your fellow mountaineers could eat you and pretend it was an emergency. I don't mind if someone eats me when I'm dead; I imagine I would be both delicious and nutritionally beneficial.

- Dying in Forest and being Eaten by Bear. I like bears and would be doing my bit for the environment.

And now to clean the house! Conor & Claire are coming to stay tonight and the house is, um, hygienically dubious.


a cat of impossible colour said...

Bad ways to go:

During sex, because - AWKWARD. And what if you hadn't ... finished?

Eaten by something very slow moving that takes a long time to eat you. Like a tortoise. (I'm assuming for the purpose of this death that you are somehow trapped or paralysed).

Charlie said...

meat grinder I would have to agree with you there especially if you went in feet first. And the whole dying naked thing has to be one of the most embarrassing things ever, where is the dignity in that. I would like to die in some sort of epic battle, maybe some sort of sword fight perhaps? But and epic sword fight.

Anonymous said...

"...Trying to fit an entire human-mince savoury in my mouth."

Josh said...

Best way to die: Sky diving and then your parachute doesn't open. INTENSE!

Incidentally, this is the way I want to commit suicide if I get diagnosed with some terrible terminal illness

Baglady said...

I have decided that all of these sound terrible so I will live forever. Simple.

wv: sconing - a sex act that is too rude to describe here but it involves pastry, cream and a the handle of a butter knife.

Baglady said...

Forget morbid. Wacko Jacko is dead. And it wasn't by one of the ways on your list*

*that I know of.

Christina said...

I am so glad you are posting again - this kinda post is the reason I love your blog :)

I reckon being stuck in a recycling truck and slowly getting squished or compacted to death would be pretty sucky. Also, Alzheimer's. That would be an incredibly unenjoyable form of death.

IT IS ALLY said...

Andrea - during sex would be awful. Especially if your partner thought your death throes were you, you know, finishing. Even worse to be the partner, though.

Charlie - yes! Epic sword fight would be awesome. I have been watching far too much anime and am now all WHEE SWORDS AND WHY ARE THERE ALSO ROBOTS NEVERMIND THIS ROCKS

Fraser - AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Awesome comment.

Josh - OK! I will go on jump with you and act as Bereaved Friend, get on the telly

Baglady - MJ dead by sconing! Is media coverup.