Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Onesie Woman Hates Your Parenting

Today Onesie Woman, semi-professional superhero and part-time model makes a rare foray from the Onesie Pit (it's like the Batcave, if the Batcave was made out of couches and blankets and was in your lounge) and onto this blog, because she is sick of you not restraining your damn children.

Get that child away from me.

"I, Onesie Woman, am not against having children. (I, Onesie Woman, have yet to decide.) So please don't shout, upon reading this, that I am bitter, wrinkled spinster etc. I am merely saying what no-one else wants to say because that is what I, Onesie Woman, do.

You may very well be a good parent, but that doesn't mean you aren't a really, really inconsiderate one.

I, Onesie Woman, realise that because it's your child it's not a heinous, squalling beast, it's an adorable little muppet who happens to be teething and/or possessed by Hitler's ghost. However, I, Onesie Woman, really don't care. Remember, back in the day, when you were single and childless and wanted to throttle that whining, bawling, mewling child in the library/supermarket/bus/restaurant/plane? That one that it's parents, for some bizarre reason, seemed not only unable but totally unwilling to restrain? Yes. That is exactly how we all feel about your child now. For the love of God. If you can't shut it up, take it outside. And if you can't take it outside (bus, plane, etc) then at least have the courtesy to apologise to the people who are being forced to share the space, rather than glaring malevolently about as if to say, "What? Little Sebastian is just expressing himself! We believe in relaxed parenting. How dare you ask us to restrain our child! You are obviously the sort of person who kills puppies for fun." No-one else on the bus cares about whether or not little Sebastian's creative soul is being squelched. They just want you to make some attempt, no matter how unsuccessful, to shut him the fuck up.

Please don't play the old 'how I raise my child is none of your business' card. No-one's trying to tell you how to raise your child - it's not like we've stopped you on the street and gone, "Why did you give your child a mullet? What were you thinking?"- it's more a matter of common courtesy. If an adult started screaming at the top of their lungs in a public place, they would be politely but firmly asked to leave and, if they refused, escorted from the premises. Yes, of course, children are different because they haven't learnt about not shouting in public places. Do you want to know a secret? That is why you are there. That is what parents do. They teach their children appropriate behaviours.

On that note, you know what else is not cool? Letting your child be naked in public. Naked child on the beach is kind of acceptable; naked child in the café by the beach is not. Naked child in the nice restaurant in the middle of the city, nowhere near the bloody beach, is even worse. Even if you don't give a damn about all the pedophile boners you are inciting - and, you know, that's something that you should maybe consider giving a damn about - please try and spare a thought for the overworked waiter who is trying to deliver a sizzling hotplate to your table and who probably doesn't need to worry about a hyperactive nude toddler who is not only being a pain in the ass, but is also causing a major hygiene problem. The restaurant does not care how much of a good time you're having with your friends. The restaurant has done you a favour in being 'family friendly'- a lot of restaurants these days actually aren't, because of people like you - and the least you could do to repay that would be to keep an eye on your child. Waitstaff are not babysitters.

Also, you're not just making the job harder for the staff, you're ruining the evening for the other diners, and I'm sorry, but that's just selfish. Story: in my pre-superhero days I, Onesie Woman, worked at a restaurant. One night a large group came in and the adults - 4 women - let their young children - about 6 of them - run around shouting and getting in the way. I went over to serve a nearby table, and the woman sitting there asked if I "could please ask that woman to restrain her kids." I apologised and said that I would freakin' love to, but sadly couldn't. She completely understood, and asked if I'd mind if she said something. I invited her to say as much as she wanted. She got up, walked over to the table, and said loudly, "Could you please restrain your children? This isn't McDonalds." People actually clapped. When the woman with the children came up to pay, she said with no little indignation, "That woman over there came and told me how to manage my children!" "Oh," I said. "Did she."

I mean, when I was little, if we went out to a restaurant it was a big fucking deal, and we all had to be on our best behaviour. It is not rocket science.

Here's another thing. If you are a parent - and although I am not, I checked this with someone who actually is - you are apparently never without a packet of tissues/wipes/whatever to clean up bits of jam and so on that your child has carefully deposited somewhere inappropriate, like the leg of my onesie. I am fine with that. Children are messy little fuckers. I identify with this. So why in the name of Our Good Lord would you allow your child to run around all day with snot dripping down his or her face? I'm sorry, but that is gross, not to mention unhygienic. Gross, gross, gross. Everyone is thinking it. Those people who kindly offer you a tissue? They are trying not to vomit at the gross state you have allowed your child to get into.

And here's another thing. Just because you happen to have a child does not instantly elevate you to a higher plane than people who don't have children. I mean, yes, nice job furthering the species and so on (assuming, of course, that you aren't kicking evolution in the nutsack by raising your child to be especially idiotic), but just because I don't have children doesn't mean that I am a pointless waste of planet space. Except in an evolutionary sense, and we all know that isn't how you mean it. The choice not to have children is a perfectly valid one, and women who remain childless aren't odd, cold or unnatural. Even if you think they are, it's one of those thoughts you should probably keep to yourselves. OK, yes, the female of the species does have a genetic predisposition to rear children; however, the male has a genetic predisposition to go round spreading as much seed as possible, but we don't call monogamous males odd, cold or unnatural, do we? No. We call them husbands and life partners and so on. You don't hear single women blathering on about how mothers are soppy slaves to their genes, and are weak and stupid for giving up their career to rear children - and if you did you'd jump up and down and shout about rampant feminists and/or lesbians. So please. For fuck's sake, be polite.

I guess that is my point really. Just. Be. Polite.


Onesie Woman."

Onesie Woman's views are her own and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the author of this blog. Although, in this case, they totally fucking do.


a cat of impossible colour said...

HA! My mum would have killed me DEAD if I had tried to do some of the things Kiwi kids do on a daily basis.

Joff said...

Oh god yes. This post = so good.

Also. EB Games is not your goddamn babysitter. I want to be able to go in there, and you know, actually try out a game a bit, so I can decide, if I actually want to buy it... but having to wait for your 7 year old to finish playing Grand Theft Auto: Super Hooker Rape Edition, really gets my rage on.....

Soma CM said...

other peoples kids are shit. mine how ever will be less shit. were in the proces of convincing managers to allow us to throttle small children at will. ill let you know how it goes.

Kaileigh said...

Yes... yes. YES

Mr London Street said...

Since I hate children, and plan not to have any, I am at liberty to make life choices which will fuck the planet with reckless abandon.

Baglady said...

Eugh. Kids.

By the way, I have tagged you. Yay!


wv= ophar. The fourth of the wise men. He made it to Jesus just a bit too late because he was waiting for his gift - a Starbucks latte with cinnamon - to be ready. And they're so goddamn slow in Starbucks that we never made it in time. Shame.

Brooke said...

Haha yes! Although I seem to be more tolerant of children than other people. Case in point: my Brownies. Sometimes a parent who's come to help will tell me they can't believe how bad X is being and I'll just be like 'yeah, she's a little noisy, but she's so sweet'. *is a soft touch* I do get annoyed with children getting under my feet at work, but not as much as some of my co-workers. I think I might be a terrible mother. That said, I would be horrified if my own children acted like that, so maybe I won't be. I hope not, coz I'm having a few anyway lol.

Anonymous said...

"I mean, when I was little, if we went out to a restaurant it was a big fucking deal, and we all had to be on our best behaviour. It is not rocket science."

Onesie Woman's memory is clearly sagging and riddled with holes.

I, Anonymous, recall visiting a chinese restaurant with OW who was then four. A photo was taken during the meal. Each and every dinner guest looked grey with the restraint of not grabbing OW by the neck and dunking her head in the egg foo young.

Harking back slightly earlier, OW at the age of perhaps three, was halfway through doing a jigsaw with me and my friend, when she suggsested that we "leave that sod Jess to finish the jigsaw, and go outside."

You can choose your friends, OW, but your family never forgets. Hah!

IT IS ALLY said...

OW suggests that perhaps that sod Jess should not have been hogging the jigsaw.

OW has no memory of Chinese restaurant incident and suspect you are making it up. OW was a singularly adorable child.

Perhaps this is why OW has never liked egg foo young? Ho ho ho. Excellent comment, Anonymous

a cat of impossible colour said...

Yo ho ho ha ha, OW and Anonymous!