Cube Cakes*

*or, Captain McEasy's Simplest Cake Ever

Hello everyone! There will be a recipe, but first there will be a public service announcement. Today my mother comes back from Laos and will reclaim the computer, so blogs may be a little infrequent but KEEP CHECKING because my days are not exactly full at the moment, so chances are I'll be able to find the time.

On another note, has anyone else noticed that a certain type of Aspiring Wri-tah tends to confuse gore/brutality/multiple swears/general shock tactics with Literary Integrity and Brilliance? I have written a gratuitously savage little story, just for fun (it starts with a dead hooker and goes downhill from there) and am considering unleashing it on the Literary World and seeing what happens.

OK now here's the recipe. This is the easiest cake recipe ever. It makes either 20-30 Cube Cakes, or one cake-for-two. Maybe you're half of a couple? You could share this for dessert. Maybe you're not half of a couple? Eat the whole fucking thing by yourself! Then worry that you will never find the love of your life because you are too fat and selfish (Incidentally, gentlemen, I'm back on the market!)

The recipe is so easy that in order to make it more interesting I have written it out in the form of a Choose Your Own Adventure book. I know there's no Step 3. I made a counting error. I would appreciate it if you didn't mention this.


Ice Cube Cakes

self-raising flour
sugar
cocoa
an egg
oil (I think I used canola but I used the last of it then threw the bottle out, so we will never know - just use whatever kind of cooking oil you have, I guess)
milk/water


If you are using self-raising flour, go to 1. If you think self-raising flour is pretentious and silly and are using regular flour, go to 2.

1) Put 4 tbsp self-raising flour, 4 tbsp sugar, and 3 tbsp cocoa in a bowl. Mix it all about.

Put the egg into the bowl also. Mix it all about. Squirt in some oil - about 3 tbsp, you can measure it if you want but it doesn't really matter. If you're using milk, proceed to section 4. If you're using water, proceed to section 5.

2) Put 4 tbsp flour, 4 tbsp sugar, 3 tbsp cocoa and a generous half-teaspoon of baking powder in a bowl. Mix it all about.

Put the egg into the bowl also. Mix it all about. Squirt in some oil - about 3 tbsp, you can measure it if you want but it doesn't really matter. If you're using milk, proceed to section 4. If you're using water, proceed to section 5.

4) Add milk until it's about the right consistency for a cake mixture. This should be about the consistency of vomit (but not when it's only water, and not when it has chunks.) If you can't bring this to mind or prefer not to think about vomit when you're cooking, try to get the mixture to roughly the same consistency as thick paint. If you're making a cake, turn to section 6. If you're making cupcakes, turn to section 7.

5) Add water until it's about the right consistency for a cake mixture. This should be about the consistency of vomit (but not when it's only water, and not when it has chunks.) If you can't bring this to mind or prefer not to think about vomit when you're cooking, try to get the mixture to roughly the same consistency as thick paint. If you're making a cake, turn to section 6. If you're making cupcakes, turn to section 7.

6) Put the bowl in the microwave and give it three (3) minutes on full power. That is not a typo.
Remove the cake from the oven whoops, microwave and let it stand for about a minute. Tip the bowl upside down. If the cake falls out, turn to 8. If the cake stays in the bowl, turn to 9.

7) Get an ice cube tray. Muffin tins are for pussies and are also usually non-microwaveable; also this is way more 'quirky' and 'offbeat.' Half-fill every second ice cube hole (they cook better this way than if you fill all of them) with mixture and whack this in the microwave. Don't get over-excited and fill them to the top. There is baking powder in there, dumbass. They will rise.

Take it out after a minute and a half on full power and flick one of the cake cubes out with a knife. Proceed to 8.

8) Good Job! Look at the bottom of the cake/cakes. If the cake is still a bit gooey, go to 10. If the cake is firm, go to 11.

9) Whack the bottom of the bowl until the cake falls out. For God's sake, don't hold the bowl over the floor while you're doing this. Hold it over a plate or something. Turn to 8.

10) Put back in microwave for 15 seconds. Check if it's done & give it another 15 seconds if required.

11) Good Job! Ice. Eat.

Depending on the power of your microwave you might need to adjust the cooking times a bit - our microwave is pretty grunty, so if anything they'll take longer. It's not the world's most impressive dish, but it's a good quick dessert.

I made Cube Cakes, then dipped the top half of them in icing. When the icing was half set, I dipped it in sherbert (well, in sherbet lollies which I had smashed the crap out of with a rock in a bag a mortar and pestle) and left that to set. They were nice. Maybe you could try that?

Alternatively, if you make one big cake in a coffee mug that's pretty nice for dessert, with chocolate sauce poured over it.


BORING BLOG TODAY GUYS. BETTER LUCK TOMORROW