Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Let's Play Bartender!

So this morning I was thinking about how if I have a poker night I'll need to stock up on alcohol, and then I was thinking about cocktails, and then I was thinking about what a huge pain in the ass cocktails generally are to make, and then I thought about how maybe you, dear reader, might want to entertain some time but be afraid to because your bartending skills extend precisely to 'unscrew lid of bottle' and to develop them any further would require fiddling about finding a proper shot measure thingy and buying expensive crap like kaffir lime leaves and a muddler* and lychee syrup, and so I thought I would share with you two (2) impressive-looking, tasty cocktail recipes that you can make at home without needing to invest in bartender accoutrements, and one (1) cocktail recipe that you should never, ever make (no, seriously, do not make it, not even as a joke).

By the way, these are not classic cocktails - if you want to make those, go and get a library book out or something.

*here is a secret about muddlers; you can just use a stick.

This cocktail is a bastardisation (read: the poor man's version) of a cocktail that used to be served at a Mexican restaurant I used to work at: at first glance it seems like a girly cocktail because it is creamy, but then it's got tequila in it and few things are more manly than drinking tequila, so really there is no shame in being a man and drinking this. It looks fiddly, but it's really not. You just tip everything into a blender and whoops, I have given away the ending.

Bastard Margarita (or, if you prefer, 'Bastarita.')

Sweet & Sour Mix
Lemon juice (because who really has sweet & sour mix)
Vanilla-flavoured liqueur (or vanilla essence, depending on your financial state)
Passionfruit syrup (or, if you'd rather, mango syrup from a tin of mangoes)

Get a blender. It needs to be a proper blender, with a bowl that everything sits in - a little handheld whizz will not do here, people.

Dump some ice into the blender. A couple of decent handfuls should be enough to start you off - we can always add more ice later. Let's say, enough to cover the bottom of the blender. Taste the tequila to make sure it has not gone off.

Now, for the measuring: when I say shot, I mean American single/NZ double. I think it's 30mls, but I'm not about to muck about with that kind of thing, I'm going to use the standard measurement of 'standard shot glass.' If you're lucky and have a big one (tee hee) then you'll just have a slightly stronger cocktail.

Tip 4 shot glasses of tequila into the blender. If you don't have a shot glass on hand then quite frankly I'm a bit confused as to how you even know what tequila is, but if you gave your last shot glass to the poor/took it to someone's flat, left it there, and are too embarrassed to go and get it because of what you did/stomped on it in a misguided attempt to be Grecian and therefore more interesting, you can use a big eggcup or 2 eye-baths. Remember, always wash your eye-bath after using it to measure alcohol.

So by now you should have 4 shots of tequila in the blender, and probably a couple in you. Good Job!

Pour a generous shot of the vanilla liqueur or, if you're using vanilla essence, a few generous drops, into the blender. Add about 2/3rds of a shot of lemon juice.

Whack in about 3 tsp of the pash syrup - if you're being fancy, you can take out the seeds, but you've probably had several shots of tequila 'just to taste' and are no longer interested in being fancy. You are probably interested in joyfully ejaculating "Fuck seeds!" and tipping in half the jar. That's ok, seeds in is permissible. If you're using mango syrup then it doesn't matter because there aren't any seeds in that. If there are seeds in your mango syrup then something is horribly wrong. Pour in some cream - 1/2 a cup is about right - and then turn the blender on.

PUT THE LID ON THE BLENDER! Oh no. Go back to the top and start all over again.

Blend until smooth - if it's too runny, add more ice. If it's too not-runny, add more cream. You're aiming for something about the consistency of....hmmm, I always have trouble thinking of this. Runny yoghurt. Thick soup. A mud pool. Somewhere round there.

Pour into margarita glasses (or any old glasses, depending on what's available). If you're being fancy, drizzle pash syrup on top. Consume with straw.


OK, here is Cocktail #2. It's a lot simpler than #1. I probably really should have put it first, but it's called Cocktail #2 (Mambo #5!) and that would make no sense.

Cocktail #2


If you can't figure this one out by yourself, then you probably shouldn't be allowed to use a blender anyway.

The best sorbets to use are lighter, fruit-flavoured ones; the best alcohol to use is vodka but any light spirit will do. Do not use Jagermeister.

This one's good because it looks fancy - serve in martini glass with a teaspoon and some kind of a garnish (mint leaves are good, or a bit of whatever fruit the sorbet is flavoured in the style of). It should stand up on its own. If it gets runny or melts during the blending process, add some ice (and also some more alcohol, because the ice will dilute it).


And now, a cautionary tale about the cocktail that we never make. The moral is that some things, no matter how hard you try, are never going to make a good cocktail, and that chief among these things is the frozen banana.


Half a hip flask of cheap vodka (you have drunk the rest already, explaining why you ever thought this cocktail was a good idea)
A hearty sploshing of Aftershock (revolting hot/cold cinnamon drink) because the vodka isn't going to be enough by itself, and there's nothing else in the house
One (1) frozen banana that you found when you were ransacking the freezer in search of ice ('close enough!')


I think it was the frozen banana that sealed it. This manages to assault all of your senses at once: it looks like the inside of a diaper, tastes like an alcoholic's stomach contents, has the texture of badly preserved plums, smells like something you really shouldn't put in your mouth, and makes a disgusting noise when you scoop it out of the beaker. Just don't ever make this.

Anyway, now you can have cocktail parties any time you want, with real cocktails! Not the last one. Let me know if you like them and I will tell you about some more.


For anyone who would like to send me some socks for my birthday (tomorrow!), here is where you can send them to:

Ally [Invented Last Name Of Your Choice]
66 Proctor Street
Christchurch 8053

New Zealand

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