Friday, July 24, 2009

Romance. Dead.

It's official. You want to know why? Last night I had the following conversation, over txt, with a friend. The friend and I have a long, chequered (checkered?) history, but this is a new turn. (I'm not sure if he currently reads this - he did, but interest may have waned - but if so, shout-out! I mean sorry, but it was so funny.) For the purposes of privacy we shall refer to him as John, even though his name is actually Keith.

Entire conversation is taking place over mobile phones; no-one is drunk.

John: "[apologises for not replying to earlier txt] R u still in2 me? Cause that would be awkward."
Me: "...No, not currently. Why do you ask? Hope your ego survives this blow."
John: "[something along the lines of 'just wondering'.] Are you seeing anyone atm?"
Me: "No. Why, was that an offer?"
John: "Not exactly sori. How do u feel about, um, more casual relationships?"

I've never been one of the great romantics, but oh John! You so subtle. You so subtle.

He's going to be annoyed that I blogged that, except now that I've written that he's going to pretend not to be annoyed because he is so unpredictable. (OK, now he's going to be annoyed again.) (Or is he? Oh John, you so cryptic.)

In honour of this great day (official Death of Romance), I would like to present you with a short list of the least romantic pick-up lines ever used (on me). Some were successful. Some were not. I have also named these so that if you come across them in future you recognise them for what they are (i.e. Not Romantic.) A couple of them are pretty funny, or awesome. But still: Not Romantic.

The 'Whoops, Geography!"
"I really have no idea how I'm going to get back to my place tonight."
I've heard this one a lot, and they always live in some remarkably far-flung suburb. It. Never. Works. (Except occasionally for me.)

The 'Corporate'
"I think we should action some sex. I'll onboard you. Or do you onboard me?"
Still one of the best pick-up lines ever, just not one of the most romantic ones.

The 'Etchings'
"Do you want to come up? I'll show you my design project."
A perennial classic! In the same area: "Come back to the flat, I'll show you my motorbike."

The 'Faux-Romantic'
"Do strangers stop you in the street and tell you how beautiful you are?"
I guess maybe it sounded better in his head, or in whatever movie it was stolen from.

The 'But, Baby...'
"I drove all the way into town, and now I have nowhere to park my motorbike!"
Well, maybe you should've thought about that before you drove all the way into town.

The 'Hobos Need Love, Too'
"Hello my sweet, I need a place to stay, I will be climbing through your window about 5.30am."
Will you. Will you just.

The 'Did You Really Say That?'
"How about a ride on the Love Boat?"
To be fair, I was wearing a sailor suit at the time.

The 'Not Really A Line'
Bide your time until female leaves room. While she is gone, quickly remove pants. Wait.
Amazingly, this not-so-subtle trick was pulled by someone other than John! It did not work, although I admired his audacity.

The 'Might As Well'
"Everyone's going to think we slept together, anyway."

Almost worthy of a mention: any line where the guy mentions he found me attractive even when I was wearing the dog-hair mustache. Because while I suppose that's a nice compliment, it is always going to make me wonder, just slightly, whether you'd prefer it if I was a dude. And that is just not romantic.

Feel free to share your own favourite lines and/or opinions on whether I should take John up on his offer.


Kaileigh said...

LOL, loved those.

I can't say that I've been the receiver of many pickup lines, if any, to be totally honest :( Or maybe I'm oblivious... I'm not sure which.

Brooke said...

I want your sailor suit.

The corporate one is definitely the most lolworthy. And the moustache-related caveat. The moustache really is quite alluring.

The best (only) line that's ever been used on me was by a cute Scandinavian guy: 'I collect interesting phone numbers, can I have yours?'
Me (not actually realising this is a line, and thinking that phone numbers is kind of a weird hobby but hey I used to collect lolly wrappers): 'Um...mine isn't really that interesting. The one for here is though, it's got two sets of triple numbers.' (I was at work)

It wasn't until after he walked away that I figured out what was actually going on. He must have though I was trying to be smart. (which I guess is better than the alternative!)

WV: quoutly - an adjective describing the manner in which one might lean forwards if one was stout and playing quoits.

Joff said...

The man writes in txt-speak. I thought you had higher standards than that... I decree on this basis that you should never sleep with this guy again. Sori[sic] Keith.

Baglady said...

I've never had any chat up lines. Normally blokes make a move in a nightclub immediately after pretending to sing along to the choon despite clearly not knowing any of the lyrics. Chat up line = trying to snog. Not fun. Fuck off if you don't even know the words to Kylie Minogue aresewipe.

wv = dessem. And ting. Bwah.

IT IS ALLY said...

Kaileigh - oblivion is bliss when it comes to pick-up lines.

Brooke - Sadly the sailor suit was rental. Hahahaha at the pickup line - I might use that in future.

Joff - thank you. You are wise indeed.

Baglady - ew, trying to snog is the worst chat-up line ever. Right up there (right down there?) with the old "Where's That Hand Going?" dance manoeuvre.