It's official. You want to know why? Last night I had the following conversation, over txt, with a friend. The friend and I have a long, chequered (checkered?) history, but this is a new turn. (I'm not sure if he currently reads this - he did, but interest may have waned - but if so, shout-out! I mean sorry, but it was so funny.) For the purposes of privacy we shall refer to him as John, even though his name is actually Keith.
Entire conversation is taking place over mobile phones; no-one is drunk.
John: "[apologises for not replying to earlier txt] R u still in2 me? Cause that would be awkward."
Me: "...No, not currently. Why do you ask? Hope your ego survives this blow."
John: "[something along the lines of 'just wondering'.] Are you seeing anyone atm?"
Me: "No. Why, was that an offer?"
John: "Not exactly sori. How do u feel about, um, more casual relationships?"
I've never been one of the great romantics, but oh John! You so subtle. You so subtle.
He's going to be annoyed that I blogged that, except now that I've written that he's going to pretend not to be annoyed because he is so unpredictable. (OK, now he's going to be annoyed again.) (Or is he? Oh John, you so cryptic.)
In honour of this great day (official Death of Romance), I would like to present you with a short list of the least romantic pick-up lines ever used (on me). Some were successful. Some were not. I have also named these so that if you come across them in future you recognise them for what they are (i.e. Not Romantic.) A couple of them are pretty funny, or awesome. But still: Not Romantic.
The 'Whoops, Geography!"
"I really have no idea how I'm going to get back to my place tonight."
I've heard this one a lot, and they always live in some remarkably far-flung suburb. It. Never. Works. (Except occasionally for me.)
"I think we should action some sex. I'll onboard you. Or do you onboard me?"
Still one of the best pick-up lines ever, just not one of the most romantic ones.
"Do you want to come up? I'll show you my design project."
A perennial classic! In the same area: "Come back to the flat, I'll show you my motorbike."
"Do strangers stop you in the street and tell you how beautiful you are?"
I guess maybe it sounded better in his head, or in whatever movie it was stolen from.
The 'But, Baby...'
"I drove all the way into town, and now I have nowhere to park my motorbike!"
Well, maybe you should've thought about that before you drove all the way into town.
The 'Hobos Need Love, Too'
"Hello my sweet, I need a place to stay, I will be climbing through your window about 5.30am."
Will you. Will you just.
The 'Did You Really Say That?'
"How about a ride on the Love Boat?"
To be fair, I was wearing a sailor suit at the time.
The 'Not Really A Line'
Bide your time until female leaves room. While she is gone, quickly remove pants. Wait.
Amazingly, this not-so-subtle trick was pulled by someone other than John! It did not work, although I admired his audacity.
The 'Might As Well'
"Everyone's going to think we slept together, anyway."
Almost worthy of a mention: any line where the guy mentions he found me attractive even when I was wearing the dog-hair mustache. Because while I suppose that's a nice compliment, it is always going to make me wonder, just slightly, whether you'd prefer it if I was a dude. And that is just not romantic.
Feel free to share your own favourite lines and/or opinions on whether I should take John up on his offer.