Wednesday, July 01, 2009

This could be a bit offensive if you're in a wheelchair

Fuck winter. My fingers are freezing. I need fingerless gloves.

Had another dream about Eminem last night - why do I keep dreaming about him? He was a Genghis Khan-like figure riding about on horse uniting warring tribes and being sweeping evil influence, and I was - naturally - his warrior bride, until I ripped the hands off his daughter (!!) and, not unfairly, he broke up with me. But we were reunited after a soul-searching conversation that took place on a mining cart which was hurtling rapidly towards a lagoon. "You dropped your bracelet on the corner of Citrus & 48th," I said. "How do you remember these things?" he asked in wonder. And we lived happily ever after.

"we were reunited" is an interesting thing to type. We We Re Re.

OK so here's the offensive part.


A couple of days ago a paraplegic man went on a shooting spree in Chch. Wait, no he didn't! He just fired a shotgun at his neighbours' houses in a blatant example of suicide by cop (two people were injured, but luckily no-one was killed). I think suicide by cop is a shitty thing to do because you're putting the responsibility for your death on someone else, and that's not fair - is like throwing yourself in front of a bus, the bus driver will always feel slightly responsible - and an incredibly cowardly way to off yourself.

However, my first thought on hearing about this had nothing to do with that - my first thought was, and I apologise for this, an awesome mental image of a guy in a wheelchair with a rifle laid across his lap, wheeling himself frantically down the sidewalk with half the Armed Offenders Squad in hot pursuit, stopping every so often to fire a few shots over his shoulder and shout "You'll never take me alive!" before putting the gun back on his lap and wheeling off into the night.

Then I thought, what if he planned this in advance, and had wheelchair-mounted assault rifles?

Then I thought about a movie about a group of paraplegic cowboys. Obviously they would not ride horses or anything, but still, it could be a pretty good movie. Or maybe a remake of West Side Story, but in wheelchairs? The fight/dance scenes would still be pretty awesome - like Murderball, but with knives and no ball.

Turns out it's pretty hard to find the line between 'ground-breaking, equal-opportunity cinema' and 'exploitation.'

Then I thought about how maybe someone should make a paraplegic Terminator.

Then I thought about a Special Olympics version of Battle Royale and now I can't stop thinking about it.


(Somewhat disappointingly, it turns out the guy just sat on his porch and shot from there, presumably whilst spinning his wheels and laughing maniacally.)

Also I'm going to update my blogroll so leave me a comment if you want to be on it.

3 comments:

Darnielle said...

It's not offensive if it's comedic enough to cause the reader to blow whatever liquid they were drinking out of their nostrils.

And that's exactly what happened to me, so yeah... not offensive at all.

(The liquid was Pepsi Max, if you were at all interested!)

Kaileigh said...

You seem like you have very interesting dreams... a repeat visitor in my dreams is Sawyer from the TV Show Lost... very nice :)

By the way, since I have read your blog, I think more about word verifications and what the deeper meaning may be... mine is "sweadeng" which I certainly am "sweating" since it is at least 80 degrees in my house.

Holly said...

Ally. You SO do not apologise for that! LOL. You think it's hysterical, clearly.

And...so do I. :P