Monday, August 24, 2009


Sorry about the hiatus, everyone! I see that during my brief absence someone has decided to unfollow me - what a dick. Seriously, who does that? (I am going to find out who does that and spam them mercilessly with pictures of genitals. Ugly ones.)

I walked to work today. And back. It took an hour each way! It was so refreshing! I felt so invigorated and healthy! Jesus God I cannot wait to get paid and take the bus like a normal citizen.

My mother saw mating kiwis today. I said, "are you sure it wasn't just two rocks on top of each other" because I know firsthand that sometimes it's kind of an easy mistake to make but apparently not, as they were "poking their beaks about and making snuffling noises." Gross! Kiwi sex. Worst national bird ever. We were talking the other day about how NZ birds are not unlike New Zealanders - they arrived here from distant shores, realised that flying took a lot of energy and as there were no mammalian predators why bother? So they gave a collective 'meh,' and became fat and ground-dwelling. Our national bird is a couch potato.

Anyway, moving swiftly along; work is still going well! Have not yet got around to scanning My Very First Ad (it was a death notice) but I will do this at some point. Apart from that work has been disappointingly dull - updates as they happen, people. Surely something amusing will occur. SURELY. I am settling in and getting to know everybody - will write more about them when I know them all a little better. Maybe I'll introduce you to them gradually.

My favourite colleague so far is Lorraine, who is about 45, 5'2 and shaped like a badly thrown pot. She has bright earrings and thick glasses and tiny eyes and is a shameless gossip (but a very well-meaning soul.) This morning she ate too many jellybeans and became over-excited until Lisa (a jaded buxom 40-something blonde who is remarkably sharp in both wit and nose), took the jellybeans away. (I like Lisa as well. She is, so far, the most interesting person in the office. My boss warned me that Lisa was 'a dissenter,' thus instantly endearing her to me. I was the office dissenter at my old job, and I was always entertaining. To myself.)

(There was a paragraph here which was trying to be witty and incisive and political but I just ended up ranting about Gerry Brownlee eating my taxes again so I deleted it. Guess you didn't really need to know that, just wanted you to know that I'm puttin' on the ritz in the effort.)

Things coming up this week that I will eventually tell you about include - New date! New psychologist! New Spaper! AH HA HA HA fuck I need to either get more sleep or come off all this acid


Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

That was funny shit goddamn it! FUNNY SHIT!!! Sorry, coffee problem.

Mr London Street said...

I have a proud record of being unfollowed by some of the most po-faced/earnest/unfunny people in blogland.

Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

I'll happily give you two names of unfollowers to spam. Not that I'm bitter and have a hard job getting over things, of course.

Baglady said...

Ooh, are you offering to be a stalker if I unfollow you? Tempting...

wv=pershri Someone who enjoys the ancient art of shrimping

sas said...

i think i work with lorraine's twin sister.

Esmerelda said...

I keep wishing for followers, now I desperately want someone to unfollow me.

Wow, I sound desperate.

a cat of impossible colour said...

I hope you change all names to protect identity, etc?

Also, I have bought your birthday present! It is awesome, I think you will like it.

A xx


Madame DeFarge said...

Appalling to remove the jelly beans of a colleague. Practically an infringement of human rights. We demand a return to their rightful owner.

mysterg said...

I actually think it's okay to unfollow people personally. If you don't bother reading their posts or commenting on their posts then there is no point in following them as obviously they are not floating your boat. That said, and before you send genitals my way, why anyone would unfollow you is beyond me.

IT IS ALLY said...

Tenny - It is ok. If coffee makes me funnier then keep it up

MLS - Why do they follow you, these po-facers? Still, better a po face than no face. Maybe.

Matthew - no, of course you aren't. Neither am I.

Baglady - yes, but only if you enjoy constant genitalia. Actually that doesn't sound too bad. Constant, unfamiliar genitalia.

sas - everyone knows one!

Esmerelda - no, don't, it's not as pleasant as you might think, you start to become paranoid

Andrea - IS IT A PONY?

Madame dF - They were office jellybeans, to be fair. But I do see your point.

mysterg - same! Unfollowing is something I condone until it happens to me. Like fraud.