Keep the Earth clean, it's not Uranus

I know it's not very politically correct but I am sick of all this Save the Planet bollocks. It's not that I don't want to Save the Planet, I'm just sick of constantly being reminded that every time I take the bus instead of walking, a penguin dies. TEN PENGUINS DIE. The other day I went on a plane, oh God, and over the roar of the jet engines I could hear the unholy scream of a million tiny penguins going to their deaths, and it was all my fault.

The only circumstance in which I would be Environmentally Active would be if Captain Planet himself (or God) turned up and told me to. And even then it would probably only be because I felt guilty. (Also because maybe then me and Wheeler could hook up.)

Recently every time I step outside my work I am asked/commanded to save something. Sometimes it is a child ("Do I look like I want to save any fucking children?") sometimes it is a whale, and now it appears to be Planet Earth. (Big job. Even for Onesie Woman, semi-professional superhero.) I would like street accosters a lot more if instead of scuttling alongside me and poking their face into mine, they got real jobs and did something for the economy were polite and uniformly good-looking, especially the Greenpeace ones who always look like hobos. (In case you're worried that I'm heartless, rest assured: I make a monthly donation to Red Cross. They provide breakfasts for children in decile 1 schools, and the guy doing the sign-ups was really cute.)

& now (I'm not allowed to use ampersands at work) NZ has launched a bid to become the first 'carbon-neutral' country. Part of this well-thought-out plan ("Holy shit, you guys! Everyone is all 'blah blah carbon' and we're meant to be all 'clean and green'! Someone do something!") is to somehow (I am a little hazy on the details) use our taxes - MY taxes, which are currently being eaten by Gerry Brownlee - to offset the carbon emissions from large companies until said companies have steps in place to do it themselves SHEESH WHAT A BORING SENTENCE. Anyway basically they want my money to buy carbon. I think.

I have a question about this. In Science I learnt that everything is, more or less, made of carbon. Therefore, I am made of carbon! Don't take my money, take my toes! Maybe the Govt should just impose a little-finger tax on every citizen and go from there.

Actually I just read about this on the Internet and now I'm not sure whether carbon is a good thing or not, but my point is that basically we either need more planet, or fewer people.

Obviously we can't have fewer people because a) we're all about finding cures for terminal diseases, way to go guys, and b) for some reason no-one's super keen to limit the number of kids people have. I mean, look what happened in China! They limited everyone to one child, and now they're a global superpower! Wait that's not my point. Anyway, you can't stop people having children because it's a violation of some human right or other, and despite the fact that everyone going OMG LET'S BREED is messin' with the planet we don't fix it that way, we buy carbon credits. I could go on, but I won't because I start sounding a bit like Hitler. Also because this afternoon on the bus I decided that I want 2 children, who will be called Alex and Ruby and wear matching onesies, so it might sound a little hypocritical.

So obviously we're going to have to go with option 2, 'More Planet.'

Ways To Get More Planet:

a) colonise another planet
b) expand this planet
c) build a new planet

a) would be a better option if all our handy planets weren't pretty crappy. Sigh.
b) what, are you kidding? You can't just tack bits onto a planet.We'd go out of orbit and fly into the sun.
c) is obviously the best option. Maybe not a whole planet just yet but at least some sizeable space stations for people to migrate to. Surely people should be thinking about how to make a new planet, not how to save this one? This one is fucked. We can leave the animals on it. They will be nicer to it anyway.

(Also, we should start shooting all our rubbish into space. Maybe so it gets caught in Jupiter's orbit. Meh, Jupiter. Then we would have more room on Earth, which could buy us a bit of time until the new planet is completed.)

The new planet completion timeframe is actually a major worry - science is just not moving fast enough for our excessive tree-cuttin' seal-clubbin' over-consumin' carbon-emittin' ways.

Luckily, I have thought of a solution. (But I did not send it to the Prime Minister because last time I sent something to him he never emailed me back.) In order to get some more sciencin' done in record time, we should scrap compulsory military service oh wait we have and get a Compulsory Science Service scheme underway.

IT IS THE MOTHER-FUCKING ANSWER.

With Compulsory Science Service, you get:

• More science
• Fewer out-of-control youths
• New planet, possibly even within your lifetime
• Brand new reality TV series, Boot Camp Science.

And that is how you save the planet.


On a non-planet-related note, does anyone want to make a sexy header for my blog? I can't be bothered doing it myself and also I only know how to use Paint, although that seems to have worked alright over at my blog's gauche younger brother. Anyway if you have some time up your sleeve maybe you could think about it.