Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Question Time*

*but not until the very bottom of this post.

I was going to use this blog as a platform to air my views on environmentalists today but then I got to thinking about fart science.

Imagine being a doctor that studied farts!
"So, I noticed your name badge has 'Dr' on it. What sort of doctor are you? Are you a GP?"
"Actually, I'm not that sort of doctor - I have a science doctorate."
"So what do you do?"
"Wow! What are you researching?"
Man. I've added 'fart doctor' to my list of Jobs to Never Have (along with Regular Doctor).

I was thinking about funeral directors today - I deal with quite a few of them through work - and was wondering why the vast majority of them have the deep voice and somber (sombre?) tone you'd expect a funeral director to have. Do they learn it when they decide to pursue funeral direction as a career, or do they start with the voice and go from there? They aren't all a dull lot, though, one of them has the contact number 0800 UNDERTAKER. And Alison from Academy always sounds far too perky - one can only hope she's not doing something naughty with the stiffs, pun fully intended.

I imagine funeral direction would be like event management, except easier in terms of venue and entertainment but more difficult in terms of happy customers. I would be a great funeral director. I have a disturbingly clear image of myself walking into the corpse room morgue and saying, "I see dead people."

Shout-out to theotherworldlyone for introducing me to the phrase 'hang out with your wang out.' As 'rock out with your cock out' is a favourite, I can see 'howwywo' turning into a pretty stock phrase. I'm trying to think of other ones ('chilling out with your willy out?') but I keep coming back to 'keen as a been to get out his wein,' which is a term for an over-arduous swain.

This blog has gone downhill.

In an attempt to bring it back to a reasonable standard, I would like to open the floor to questions. The deal is that you leave your questions in the comments field, and then in a week I gather all the questions which have been left, and answer them. You can ask whatever you like, and anonymous questions are A-OK!

Please do ask me a question because a) question time doesn't happen very often and b) if no-one asks any questions I panic and worry that my blog, and by association my very essence, is crap.



Zach said...

On District 9 when they are introducing the Nigerian gangsters in the slum they show this banging hot chick and intone, "Inter-special prostitution."

I, for one, am disappointed they didn't make more of this.

Does this make me:
a) An astute student.
b) Is "special" the right way to write "inter-species"? I don't know this because they stopped teaching English that way by the time I got to high school.
c) Some kind of freak who wants to see people fuck aliens? By the way, I think this is pretty normal so c) isn't really an option.
d) Having sex with aliens is normal so does I guess the director:
i) wanted people to think about fucking aliens so it became more of a mainstream thing.
ii) is a racist and he was saying, "I don't want to see aliens having sex with Nigerians because I don't want to see Nigerians naked."
iii) Man, I can't wait until they show alien sex on Shortland Street because I'm pretty sure lower-middle class New Zealand would riot. Probably middle class and low class too.
iv) Am I part of the bourgeoisie? Will I be swept up in the proletariat uprising? Will they consume my flesh to assume my power?
e) How big do you think alien dick is?
f) Would you suck alien dick if it meant you could go for a ride in a UFO?
g) Does that mean you'd suck some guy with an eyebrow piercing and big, white Globes for a ride in his Skyline?
h) You make me sick.

Anonymous said...

Do you ever post personals ads in your new job? Anything weird there?

How's therapy? Mine's good.

Did Michael Jackson's death affect you one way or the other?

What do your exes miss about you? I don't mean that in a mean way, at all--what are the qualities you think they want other than free sex?

otherworldlyone said...

When I was in high school I dated a guy that was going to college to be an undertaker. He was taking embalming classes at that time.

The first thing he says to my dad upon meeting him and being questioned about his career path is, "We're the last ones to ever let you down, sir." With a totally straight face.

My dad was drunk so he didn't get it. Though, he doesn't get much. I digress.

Hang out with his wang out is one of my favorites. Literally. I'm sensing this could become a blog battle as I'm now racking my brain for new ones.

Questions, questions....

1) All of a sudden someone behind you whispers in your ear, "This will only hurt for a minute". What is your immediate reaction and what do you think they are talking about?

2) Best pick up line EVER. Go.

Baglady said...

When you were little what did you want to be when you grew up (and did it involve dancing in your onesie on YouTube)?

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

What are your three standard dishes when cooking?

If we call you New Zealanders Kiwis, what do you call us Australians? Apart from Sir, Madam?

Gary said...

Walrus on your toilet or a snail on your plate?

Which is the more respected Bartender?

- One who can perfect a classic cocktail?

- One who has invented his own perfect blend?

- Incredibly attractive?

- Poet?

Who do you suspect envy's you?

Best rejection ever?

Best Food at 3am in the morning?

Most worn piece of clothing you own?

How do you measure success?

Life experience you wouldnt trade for anything?

Builder or Chef?

Favourite childhood smell.

Best bit of technology you have ever seen?

Do you wish you had a bum flap in your onesie.

The end - spent.