Monday, October 26, 2009


In the past 24 hours I have been to a big band gig, the Casino, and a nudist colony. Which one would you like to hear about first?

You guys are so predictable.

Today I rocked along to the Naturist Open Day. (No pun.) They promised a BBQ (would you feel comfortable eating a sausage amongst naturists?) and petanque ("I almost hit the cock!") and a bouncy castle. My sister Kate, her friend Sam and I drove out to Rolleston and turned off at the sign that read, "Pineglades Naturist Camp - Christchurch Sun Lovers. Grin and bare it!" Sun lovers! A little pun! How nice. As we turned off the road and headed for nudity, three passing teenage boys leered so hard they almost fell over.

We arrived at the nudist camp - I had not realised that as well as a place for exhibitionists sun-lovers to meet and "feel nature touching your body," it's a camping ground! So if you feel like leaving the stress of the corporate world behind and spending a weekend literally hanging out with your wang out, you can. It's not even very expensive.

Anyway, we found the visitor car park and wandered in. Kate, who in a strange twist of logic was worried the nudists would think she was a pervert, formulated a story about how our father was a naturist and we were seeing what it was all about. Kate is weird.

You will be pleased to hear that we were not disappointed by our first view of the nudist camp! The first thing we saw when we rounded the large box hedge that separated the car park from the freeballing area was a pair of buttocks. Large, naked buttocks. About 30 middle-aged people were dotted about sitting at picnic tables. Quite a few of them were buttock-to-bench and/or buttock-to-buttock(-to-bench). I worried about the hygiene issue, and also about splinters. The weirdest thing about this - and this carried on through the camp - was that while anyone who was anyone had their bum out, most people kept their top on. (Some people's tops were shorter than others.) A clothed man walked up to us and gave us some pamphlets on Being Nekked. Kate, Sam and I politely accepted them, then left that area as a) it's hard to start a conversation with a nudist ("So, naturism...well, I've got to say, I admire your balls") and b) the band was not playing (the band was also not naked - I was disappointed by this, think it showed a distinct lack of commitment) and went around to the BBQ/bouncy castle/petanque side of things.

The bouncy castle, I am sorry to say, was a children-only deal. However, for those of us who wanted to snicker at willies waving in the wind (me) there was a game of men's doubles tennis in progress! As per usual (and it is amazing how fast partial nudity becomes usual) the men involved, and some of the supporters, wore t-shirts but no pants. There were balls all over the court. It is a mesmerising thing, a gently bouncing nutsack. You could hypnotise people.

After about five minutes of naturism we decided it was time to go. Only because the weather was packing it in and if you think it's tricky trying to break into the conversation of an established social group, try it when they're in the nudd. Is a completely bizarre social situation, I guess because we're just not used to seeing people be naked. We agreed afterwards that all three of us were constantly on the verge of saying, "Don't you want to put some pants on?" So we returned the assembled genitalia's parting wave and went back to the car! We were just hopping in when the man in the car next to us popped his head up and said, "Sorry, 'scuse me but my battery's gone flat. Could you give us a push start?" He had a shirt on so we thought we were OK, but then he walked round from the back of the car and bam! nudist. So, together with two naked car-pushin' strangers, we got the partial nudist tootling happily off down the road, bottom stuck to his imitation leather seats.

In conclusion: I do not think I would like to be a naturist, unless of course I started my own hip trendy nudist colony - none of this weird-ass partial nudity; tits or GTFO. I would hire it out on the weekends for corporate team-building exercises. And I would make a fortune. And then I would roll around in it. Naked.


Joff said...

Initially I thought the reason for wearing tops would be to stave off sunburn, except

a) Sunburnt willy surely must be much worse than sunburnt shoulders?

b) It's Christchurch, it'll be cloudy anyway!


PS. A bit disappointed that you didn't decide to rock the birthday suit and invade the bouncy castle anyway. I would have. Just sayin'

Tooting Squared said...

I'm curious.
What do you put in a leaflet about being naked? Dress code? Rules of etiquette?

(VW = squishe. "The bums were squishe on the bench")

a cat of impossible colour said...

Tee hee!

Somehow wearing a shirt makes it seem more indecent? Whole-body nudity is just, well, nudity, but not wearing pants is more like ... being a flasher?

Kelly said...

I reckon the tshirts were for warmth. I often wondered how nudists managed in chilly Chch.

I agree w Andrea, top+no pants is way more perverted. Donald Duck perverted.

Gary said...

When you first told us of the plan to go. I imagined a much more Benny Hillesque scenario developing.

Where his nemesis appeared to be young female hockey players I thought yours would be middle aged male naturalists.

I had daydreams about the double time chase and the choreography involving the petanque pit and the bouncy castle.

Couldn’t come up with the theme music.

I have to say I am a bit disappointed you did not nude up.

Having said that, you have big cahones for showing up in the first place.

Josh said...

Haha all the boys are sad you didn't get naked.

Baglady said...

Willies are hilarious. End of.

Though personally I wanted to hear about the big band concert.

wv = glymon. "when he bent over to push his car I could see his glymon"

Mr London Street said...

The only thing that could have beaten this is if the big band had turned up naked to the casino and played an impromptu gig there. That said, I would have worried for the chap playing the massive cymbals.

Michelle said...

Ha! Ally you rock. I was a little interested in the nudist day too, but alas I had to study. (Alas!) (and actually I also could not come up with a suitable excuse to perve at naked people) (Although - they did have an open day, so what were they expecting?!)

I'm curious about the shirt-wearing part. Maybe they all needed to air their privates for health reasons, but weren't sure how else to do it, so decided to go nudist?

I think for one of your NaNoWriMo stories you should write about life in a nudist colony. With lots of (in-)appropriate puns and the like.

wv (I'm going to try and play this game) = 'podgen' : The voluptuous middle-aged men moved toward the dip table, their well-fed podgen wiggling provocatively.

IT IS ALLY said...

Joff - It was cloudy! Maybe it was for the cold? Don't worry, for my next birthday I am thinking of hiring a bouncy castle and having a nudist-themed party. Is easy to find a costume. Also, I can make birthday suit puns.

Tooting - Rules of etiquette! Things like, "Don't stare." Seriously. Also, the places you're allowed to be nakey and the places you aren't.

Andrea, Kelly - yes! Is definitely more obscene. Only worked out that that was why it was bugging me when you mentioned it.

Gary - again, next time.

Josh - I KNOW

Baglady - you liar, you love a good willy story. (Did not see any at the concert.)

MLS - When I am in the big band, things will be different.

Michelle - thank you! Not so much for the 'airing for health purposes' comment though, eww. Scroty genitals are not nice. Am totally going to write a NaNoNude story. I may even write it naked. Thank you for the idea!

Also, everyone who does wv definitions - I LOVE THESE.

Mr London Street said...

Check my blog out. You've won something.

Anonymous said...

So now we have two POTW and more is definately more. Hilarious imagery.
I saw enough moving parts as a nurse and I too think they are hilarious.
My question is, why are naturists always old, pasty white, flabby and unattractive? With all that exposure you would think they would at least have a healthy tan

vw=nestide. please put your equipment away in the nestide[y]

Anonymous said...

I think you hindered your experience by going with friends, as their inhibitions and silly comments became the collective opinion. Unless of course you are already comfortable being naked with those same people.

Good on you all for at least giving the experience a go, perhaps you will at least have realised that the naturists are comfortable, relaxed and friendly, rather than sex crazed weirdos.

The T-shirt on top is rather obviously because the sun comes down from above, so the top of the head and the shoulders get the most exposure.

The weather is a big factor in Chch, and generally wherever you are, you just throw on the easiest garment to atone for the conditions. In the textile world, you add another top, not another pair of pants, so I think top and no-pants is just a basic reality of the environment.

I visited for the first time on an open day. Beautiful hot Canterbury day. It was one of the most idyllic days of my life, listening to live music, meeting new people and slipping in and out of the pool without drying off (dozens of times) to maintain a perfect body temperature. So idyllic I stayed on for the evening BBQ and was sorry to go home. For me the heat and the refuge in the pool, completely made the experience and the convenience and comfort of no togs made it heaven. The fact that everyone was nude, for the right reasons, made such a magnificent level playing field, as far as communicating with other humans went.

I recommend you give it another go sometime, and rather than thinking of wangs in the wind, think of stress-free relaxation, being uninhibited by clothing and status symbols and of the joys of skinny-dipping, the convenience of no wet togs and the comfort of no seams, belts, elastic and sweaty hot spots in your clothing.