You guys are so predictable.
Today I rocked along to the Naturist Open Day. (No pun.) They promised a BBQ (would you feel comfortable eating a sausage amongst naturists?) and petanque ("I almost hit the cock!") and a bouncy castle. My sister Kate, her friend Sam and I drove out to Rolleston and turned off at the sign that read, "Pineglades Naturist Camp - Christchurch Sun Lovers. Grin and bare it!" Sun lovers! A little pun! How nice. As we turned off the road and headed for nudity, three passing teenage boys leered so hard they almost fell over.
We arrived at the nudist camp - I had not realised that as well as a place for
Anyway, we found the visitor car park and wandered in. Kate, who in a strange twist of logic was worried the nudists would think she was a pervert, formulated a story about how our father was a naturist and we were seeing what it was all about. Kate is weird.
You will be pleased to hear that we were not disappointed by our first view of the nudist camp! The first thing we saw when we rounded the large box hedge that separated the car park from the freeballing area was a pair of buttocks. Large, naked buttocks. About 30 middle-aged people were dotted about sitting at picnic tables. Quite a few of them were buttock-to-bench and/or buttock-to-buttock(-to-bench). I worried about the hygiene issue, and also about splinters. The weirdest thing about this - and this carried on through the camp - was that while anyone who was anyone had their bum out, most people kept their top on. (Some people's tops were shorter than others.) A clothed man walked up to us and gave us some pamphlets on Being Nekked. Kate, Sam and I politely accepted them, then left that area as a) it's hard to start a conversation with a nudist ("So, naturism...well, I've got to say, I admire your balls") and b) the band was not playing (the band was also not naked - I was disappointed by this, think it showed a distinct lack of commitment) and went around to the BBQ/bouncy castle/petanque side of things.
The bouncy castle, I am sorry to say, was a children-only deal. However, for those of us who wanted to snicker at willies waving in the wind (me) there was a game of men's doubles tennis in progress! As per usual (and it is amazing how fast partial nudity becomes usual) the men involved, and some of the supporters, wore t-shirts but no pants. There were balls all over the court. It is a mesmerising thing, a gently bouncing nutsack. You could hypnotise people.
After about five minutes of naturism we decided it was time to go. Only because the weather was packing it in and if you think it's tricky trying to break into the conversation of an established social group, try it when they're in the nudd. Is a completely bizarre social situation, I guess because we're just not used to seeing people be naked. We agreed afterwards that all three of us were constantly on the verge of saying, "Don't you want to put some pants on?" So we returned the assembled genitalia's parting wave and went back to the car! We were just hopping in when the man in the car next to us popped his head up and said, "Sorry, 'scuse me but my battery's gone flat. Could you give us a push start?" He had a shirt on so we thought we were OK, but then he walked round from the back of the car and bam! nudist. So, together with two naked car-pushin' strangers, we got the partial nudist tootling happily off down the road, bottom stuck to his imitation leather seats.
In conclusion: I do not think I would like to be a naturist, unless of course I started my own hip trendy nudist colony - none of this weird-ass partial nudity; tits or GTFO. I would hire it out on the weekends for corporate team-building exercises. And I would make a fortune. And then I would roll around in it. Naked.