Raising the Bar

Does your job let you design ads like this?Definitely my best work. Those lips rock. Admit it, if you were flicking through the Escort ads you'd be picking this lady (I guess there's about a 50/50 chance she's a real lady) for your love cuddle needs.

I'm going to Lyttelton tomorrow to hear a Joy Division covers band - am not 100% sure how I feel about this as I am not 100% sure how I feel about Joy Division. I don't know them very well, but I have a horrible feeling that by the end of tomorrow I will know them very, very well indeed. People say this will make me depressed. I like Lyttelton, though, so maybe the two will cancel each other out?

I'm going to answer the Question Time questions in dribs and drabs (weird phrase - speaking of, Kate said a very forced "I don't give a fig" today) because doing them all at once is a mission and I'm a little pressed for time this week. I'll start from the end, with Gary's questions, and do the rest on maybe Sunday.

Walrus on your toilet or a snail on your plate?
Toilet walrus ('toilrus'). It makes for a better story. Besides, French people get snails on their plates all the time, there's nothing interesting about that. Snail in the toilet would be a weird situation, I wouldn't want to kill it with the flush (or by shitting on its head) but I also wouldn't want to scoop it out. Excellent question.

Which is the more respected Bartender?
- One who can perfect a classic cocktail?
- One who has invented his own perfect blend?
- Incredibly attractive?
- Poet?
Invented his own perfect blend, closely followed by perfecting a classic cocktail, followed at a modest distance by incredibly attractive. Poet is way, way behind. Poet bartenders are much more profound in literature than they are in real life. Literary PBs make keenly accurate, jaded observations about the frailty of humanity. Real PBs say things like, "Yeah, it's not forever, I'm just working my way through art school." Ha! Ha! Ha!

Who do you suspect envy's you?
I suspect you envy my ability to correctly spell 'envies.' Apart from that, I'm not quite su- oh, ok, pretty much everyone.

Best rejection ever?
I was at a club with some workmates, one of whom I was madly in love with. We were all quite drunk and about 8 of us were dancing in a squashed circle (small club). I decided that obviously this was the perfect time to declare my undying lust, so I grabbed the object of my affection's arm and, while he jumped up and down in time to the music, shouted in his ear, "I have a huge crush on you!" Then I repeated myself, because of the music. Then he shouted, "High 5!" And high fived me. Then he told everyone, and the people that he didn't tell, I told. I came into work on Monday and everyone wanted to give me 5. It went on until no-one even said hi, they just greeted me (and sometimes him) with, "High 5!". I kept working with him for 6 months and we ended up being pretty good friends, which just shows that rejections aren't always a bad thing. Best rejection ever.

Best Food at 3am in the morning?
Depends. Am I drunk? If I am drunk, then BK. If I am not drunk, then a piece of cheese, slice of beetroot, or anything that comes to hand when fumbling blearily round the fridge on my way back from the toilet. (What? Doesn't everyone rummage in the fridge on their way back from the toilet? Sometimes I wake up with my face on cheese.)

Most worn piece of clothing you own?
Eh, this depends...there are some things I've had for years, like party dresses and jackets, which come out from time to time; there are some things I wear once or twice a week, like work clothes; and then there are some things I wear every single night, like my onesie. So I guess my onesie. Probably you could've guessed that too.

How do you measure success?
NUMBER OF BLOG FOLLOWERS HINT HINT

Life experience you wouldnt trade for anything?
Hearing my colleague accidentally burp mid-yawn yesterday.

Builder or Chef?
Chef.

Favourite childhood smell.
I'm not actually sure - there are lots of good childhood smells. Cut grass and Lemonade popsicles are classics, as is melting tarmac on a hot day. We also had a huge lilac bush that was constantly covered in butterflies, so that's a good smell, and we had huge blackberry thickets on our property, so that's a good smell too. My best friend and I used to go blackberry picking and get a bucket for him to take home to his Mum - often there were not any blackberries left by the time we got to his house. And my Mum would make blackberry pies (or perhaps it was my Dad). So that's a good childhood smell, too. Blackberry pies, just out of the oven. What a yokel.

Best bit of technology you have ever seen?
Maybe that thing where they can levitate the mice. But I haven't technically seen that. I remember seeing something the other day and thinking about how cool it was but now I've forgotten it. So I guess maybe the levitating mice. There must be something cooler than that, if I think of it I'll update this.

Do you wish you had a bum flap in your onesie.
Yes I do wish I had a bum flap in my onesie. But it's probably a good thing I don't, or I'd be constantly flashing people (both intentionally and by accident). I guess I could make one with a pair of scissors and a pair of buttons, but it wouldn't be the same.