- It is too hot. I could never live anywhere even vaguely tropical as even the mild heat of Christchurch turns me into a grumpy sweaty asshat. Here is a short and by no means exhaustive list of some things that excessive heat takes all the fun out of or, if you like, Enjoyable Things Summer Ruins.
- Sleeping. Who amongst us has not known the joy of tossing and turning for hours, desperately trying to lie in a position where the breeze wafts across as much of your body as possible, only to wake up an hour later in the gummy embrace of the hottest, heaviest, most constrictive sheet in the world, which is trying to have an intimate relationship with every part of you at once?
- Showering. In winter, a shower is a lovely, warming, calming joy. In summer, a shower is a pain in the ass. I resent summer for taking away my showers. Not that I don't shower in summer. I do shower in summer. It's just so warm and humid that you put it off all morning, until it's really hot. And then you think, "Maybe this would be better if I took a beer in the shower with me." And it isn't, you just accidentally turn into an alcoholic.
- Being Outside. Every summer I am presented with the same charming dilemma: be outside and get sunburn, or be inside and sweat until my face melts off.
- Being Inside. See above.
- Coffee. Like every bloody other thing, it is too hot. Why would you fill your innards with more hot? And so you have to drink iced coffee, which in my opinion is gross.
- Friendships. Is hard to remain on close terms with anyone when you can't wait for them to go home so you can fill the bath with ice and roll about in it in nude ecstasy.
- Everyone is better looking than me. I know, it sounds like one of those insecure girl things, but stick with me, I have logical justification here. It really fucks me off (or hacks me off, this is a family-friendly blog) how there are some people who, the second the first strawberry or whatever grows in summer pops its head through the etcetera, become magically lissome and tanned. You know the ones. They prance down the main street in short shorts and have tousled hair and rub baby oil on their legs and I am hideously jealous and bitter that I am not one of these people. I am highly attractive in winter when it is cold and I can be all pale and dramatic and bundled up. I am so down with that! I was made to stand about looking wintry and mysterious. I was not made to run about the beach in a carefree manner and a string bikini. Even if I could, through some bizarre summer miracle, manage to look like anything other than a barrel with a bit of string tied round the middle (it's not that I'm large, I just don't have the right shape for a bikini), my complete inability to tan rules out any carefree running about. Last year three small children had to be hospitalized after falling foul of the glare off my legs.
So that is why I don't like summer.
However, this year I am going to abandon my traditional tactic of 'be shitty for 4 months' in favour of 'adapt, like one of those lizards that adapt,*' and when summer comes I will be tanned and slender and ready. Ha ha ha ha ha. No I won't. Do your worst, summer. I will be in the ice bath with my beer.
In unrelated but awesome news my Well Dressed Bestfriend Andrea has been featured here, on Queens of Vintage (which is super-prestigious vintage fashion site). This is more exciting than the time I thought I invented the reverse microwave and was going to be famous, and that was pretty exciting until I remembered about freezers. So go and have a look at Andrea. Because she is Cool.
*Not chameleons. You know. The ones that can change temperature based on their surroundings? Please, someone, tell me that on top of all this summer bollocks I did not make up a lizard.