Monday, November 16, 2009

Bummer

I realised today that it is fast becoming summer, bastard season of doom. I hate summer. Apparently this is abnormal and weird, but there are two perfectly good reasons why I hate summer. Here they are. (Obviously this was the week I remembered that I can make numbered lists.)


  1. It is too hot. I could never live anywhere even vaguely tropical as even the mild heat of Christchurch turns me into a grumpy sweaty asshat. Here is a short and by no means exhaustive list of some things that excessive heat takes all the fun out of or, if you like, Enjoyable Things Summer Ruins.
    - Sleeping. Who amongst us has not known the joy of tossing and turning for hours, desperately trying to lie in a position where the breeze wafts across as much of your body as possible, only to wake up an hour later in the gummy embrace of the hottest, heaviest, most constrictive sheet in the world, which is trying to have an intimate relationship with every part of you at once?
    - Showering. In winter, a shower is a lovely, warming, calming joy. In summer, a shower is a pain in the ass. I resent summer for taking away my showers. Not that I don't shower in summer. I do shower in summer. It's just so warm and humid that you put it off all morning, until it's really hot. And then you think, "Maybe this would be better if I took a beer in the shower with me." And it isn't, you just accidentally turn into an alcoholic.
    - Being Outside. Every summer I am presented with the same charming dilemma: be outside and get sunburn, or be inside and sweat until my face melts off.
    - Being Inside. See above.
    - Coffee. Like every bloody other thing, it is too hot. Why would you fill your innards with more hot? And so you have to drink iced coffee, which in my opinion is gross.
    - Friendships. Is hard to remain on close terms with anyone when you can't wait for them to go home so you can fill the bath with ice and roll about in it in nude ecstasy.
    - Life.

  2. Everyone is better looking than me. I know, it sounds like one of those insecure girl things, but stick with me, I have logical justification here. It really fucks me off (or hacks me off, this is a family-friendly blog) how there are some people who, the second the first strawberry or whatever grows in summer pops its head through the etcetera, become magically lissome and tanned. You know the ones. They prance down the main street in short shorts and have tousled hair and rub baby oil on their legs and I am hideously jealous and bitter that I am not one of these people. I am highly attractive in winter when it is cold and I can be all pale and dramatic and bundled up. I am so down with that! I was made to stand about looking wintry and mysterious. I was not made to run about the beach in a carefree manner and a string bikini. Even if I could, through some bizarre summer miracle, manage to look like anything other than a barrel with a bit of string tied round the middle (it's not that I'm large, I just don't have the right shape for a bikini), my complete inability to tan rules out any carefree running about. Last year three small children had to be hospitalized after falling foul of the glare off my legs.

So that is why I don't like summer.

However, this year I am going to abandon my traditional tactic of 'be shitty for 4 months' in favour of 'adapt, like one of those lizards that adapt,*' and when summer comes I will be tanned and slender and ready. Ha ha ha ha ha. No I won't. Do your worst, summer. I will be in the ice bath with my beer.

In unrelated but awesome news my Well Dressed Bestfriend Andrea has been featured here, on Queens of Vintage (which is super-prestigious vintage fashion site). This is more exciting than the time I thought I invented the reverse microwave and was going to be famous, and that was pretty exciting until I remembered about freezers. So go and have a look at Andrea. Because she is Cool.

*Not chameleons. You know. The ones that can change temperature based on their surroundings? Please, someone, tell me that on top of all this summer bollocks I did not make up a lizard.

10 comments:

a cat of impossible colour said...

Reverse Microwave is a better name for a freezer, if that helps.

Also, this is a family-friendly blog?? When did that happen?

I love summer and go brown instantly so I don't think you'll want to be friends with me any more. :( On the upside, though, I approve of the beer-in-the-shower idea.

WV = squoutte: the sound that a sweat-soaked sheet makes as you peel it off your over-heated body.

Owen said...

I dont think you made a lizard up if that helps? Perhaps you're ectothermic?

Ashley Louise said...

THANK YOU!!!!

don't ever move to California. Those girls and rampant. I think they are like sponges or starfish or some sort of creature where if a part of them falls off, a new creature grows from that bit. I assume it is the bikinis that fall off and thus asexually reproduce.

Also the hat is worse. I can gaurentee that. I actually broke down and cried this summer. our a/c broke, it was 112 in the shade. and if you can believe this the drugstore by my house ran out of popcicles and ice cream. and I wasn't going to drive any further because I've got leather seats and my car's a/c was (and still is) broken.

I have devised a plan where I never have to be in summer by having a house in Alaska as well as one in somewhere cold in the so. hemisphere. This way whenever the weather gets warm I can just go to wherever it is cold.

I'm calling it Reverse Endless Summer. My mom thinks I should just call it Endless Winter, but I like my name better.

Ashley Louise said...

By the way I meant the heat was worse, not the hat. But I'm sure the hats are worse too. Don't get me started on brown girls in stupid sraw fedoras.

Baglady said...

I thought all cold blooded animals weren't so fussed about the weather. But I am too lazy to look it up too.

We are just entering winter here. I had a serious bad hair weekend so you will not get much sympathy from me with your On-The-Wrong-Side-Of-The-World summer.

Although I did give you one of those internet award thingies. Swing by when you're free and pick it up. If it's not too hot, you poor lamb.

wv=thobi A bisexual with a bad lisp.

Kaileigh said...

I'm not a fan of summer either for many of the same reasons. And I think I look much better in Winter too! :)

Joff said...

If you can't have a naked ice bath while your friends are around, then you need to re-evaluate who your friends are ;)

Gary said...

Just to clear the air. What happened to the story about the wedding ponies? If you imply you have stories about ponies and weddings, then don’t deliver, Angels cry.

Now I agree that it is abnormal and weird to hate summer.

Sleeping - get rid of the sheet.

Showering - swap your beer with something on the rocks.

Outside - try to reinstate the dominion by walking around underneath a parasol and carrying a fan.

Inside - Nude up with one of those Camouflaged DPM Tropical Hats so no one can see you.

Coffee - Iced Tea - Same caffeine better taste.

Friendships - see "inside" above. And have to back Joff's comment.

Bikini - Its one of those insecure things, if I can look good in a bikini then you can. Or at least discover the tank-ini. Or a web-footed onesie. I think they call them wetsuits.

What are your summer positives?

Holly said...

Uh oh. I am a summer fan. I hope things will not be thrown at me once I post this comment... :O

Btw, this is my webhost: http://surnaturelle.net/ On Monday night I was sure it was "Saturn"...but also knew it wasn't. Hah! Wasn't too far off. :)

Pegasus said...

Thought this was a carry on from your dislike of summer but no you are writing your own tv script well done *lol*