Thursday, November 26, 2009

Colleagues / Twilight / Hatred

Heading from property ad: "Do you Dare to View?" I hope the agent has set it up like a house of horrors. "And here we have the bathr- AAHHHH! IT'S A GHOST!"

Does anyone else work with people who appear to have little or no control over their volume? I do. About three of my colleagues will, at random points throughout the day and for no apparent reason, completely forget to use their inside voice and start roaring. I would be a much calmer person if this did not happen.

Also annoying me this week at work: colleagues constantly talking about Twilight. My office is full of women, which is bad enough because a) they spend too much time bitching about each other and not enough time shutting up and letting me work and b) it is not enough to be a competent colleague, you also have to be everyone's friend* but if I have to hear about the time that Jacob ripped his shirt off/ how well suited Bella and Edward are/ how cleverly the books are written one more time I swear to God that I am going to become a vampire and kill them all.

*this is TRUE and male colleagues do not do it. I would rather work with a bunch of men who are constantly swaggering round the office comparing penis size than with a bunch of women who are constantly swaggering round the office comparing penis size but pretending very hard that they aren't.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people." TINY MINDS DISCUSS TWILIGHT AD INFINITUM OH GOD. I'm going to transcribe a bit of the conversation so you can see what I have to deal with. This is happening RIGHT NOW. TO ME.

"When [some character or other] took off his shirt the entire cinema, like, took this huge breath."
"Well that's the thing about vampires, isn't it, it's a sexual thing."
"Well, it's society's way of dealing with gay people, isn't it, we have a phobia of that, so we have to create something safer." Vampires are safer than homosexuals? Just quietly, I know which one I'd rather have bite me in the neck.
"Edward isn't gay."
"He definitely isn't! Hur hur hur." EDWARD ISN'T REAL FUCK YOUUUUUUUUU
"Edward or Jacob?"
"Jacob. But they're both young enough to be my children."
"I know. It's so wrong, isn't it."
"It's so wrong! If I was Bella, I don't know which one I'd choose." If you were Bella you would be far, far away from here and I would be happy.

Sometimes they talk about True Blood. Which is not better. Can't wait until vampires go back to being a bit passe. (Can't make the accent on the e - sorry chaps.)

14 comments:

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

how can you have posted so early in the morning!

What books to they normally read? mills and boon?- and clever thing is making the alpha male a vampire?

a cat of impossible colour said...

Saw New Moon last night and it was horrendous, but hilarious. The audience we had seemed to snigger at a lot of the same bits we did, which was good. My favourite bit was when Jacob ripped his ENTIRE SHIRT off to press a wound on Bella's forehead. Would actually have been funnier if he had magically pulled his underwear out of his jeans, a la Zoolander, and cleaned her up with those. Also, is there a rule that werewolves have to be permanently topless and all wearing the same little denim shorts? I wish the denim shorts stayed on when they transformed, because gigantic wolves in tight denim shorts would be sort of hilarious.

Also, there appears to be a basic problem with the storytelling: you don't skip the ACTION to get to the boring SITTING AROUND bits; you're meant to skip the SITTING AROUND bits to get to the action. I might send the director a telegram.

(And the sparkling thing is ridiculous. Actually, Meyer's whole vampire mythology is ridiculous).

(And there was a scene where Bella and Edward actually RAN through a MEADOW. Is like the running-through-the-meadow scene in one of the new (crap) Star Wars films, which almost made me vomit into my medium Diet Coke).

(And for a big-budget film, the effects and makeup were terrible. I could do a better job of vampire makeup with talcum powder and red lipstick, which appears to be what they used).

(Also, the underlying message appears to be 'having a boyfriend is more important than anything else in your life. If you don't have one, you might as well die').

Long comment, sorry!

hexenundschnecken said...

you could start discussing the fact that meyer is one of those taliban-christians: no sex before marriage! if sex within marriage then must beget children! if pregnant, have child even if you as mother are certain to die giving birth and/or if child is certain to be a monstrosity! & how cleverly she has worked all of the above into her truly ridiculous (& nevertheless highly addictive) books. just a suggestion. might shut them up pretty quickly.

omchelsea said...

Couldn't agree more. Working in a priamary school with 95% women is KILLING ME.

IT IS ALLY said...

Katherine - I start work at 8, that is how. Also you are not really potato shaped, was said in anger. More kumara.

Andrea - I REALLY WANT TO GO AND LAUGH. Also I thought everyone knew the rule about werewolves being topless?

hex - I know! But these are the kind of people who wholeheartedly believe in the Secret. It is hard to shut them up.

omc - hope you don't teach spelling! hehehe, sorry. but wow, that must be even more political than here.

Joff said...

This makes me glad I have male co-workers. On the other hand, there is a distinct lack of females in Software Development. C'mon, not all of us smell!

We do, however, have a consultant that is sometimes working in our (already cramped) dev room, and he's at least 10dB louder than everyone, and seems completely unaware of it. He sits next to me. Thank goodness for headphones.

Andy said...

Only cure I can think of is to buy a Garlic string and smite anyone that mentions such daft bollocks within earshot!

A water gun with a faux cross at the tip of the barrel could also make them give your work area a wide birth?!

@ImpossiblyColouredinCat - I think that underlying message is important.. especially in Welli the ratio of Gal to Boy would gaurantee much more street wrestling.. even us gingas would get some action then ;0)

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

I suppose it depends on the potato it's self eho conditions it had, was the soil free draining and did it get enough water and was there another potato growing too close.

It's okay, I understand people get angry - I myself am prone to the odd out-burst but if the truth be told i think its hilarious!!!

"apple cheeked, potato shaped girl" is goinging to stay as my profile name!

sarah said...

Ally...you and I saw Twilight...you can't hate on it that much.

I went, I did NOT gasp when he took his shirt off, but the whole movie was so escapist it made me dizzy.

Icy @ Individual Chic said...

On point b), there was only one other woman in my extended team (at the time). I was doing my job well, being polite, but felt no need to be "her friend".

I was told off for not being a team player for this by my boss (male, and who was her friend) during my yearly evaluation.

It was then made a goal to get on with her better for the next years evaluation. No idea if she was given the same instructions.

I faked it very well, and was congratulated on what an improvement I'd made the next year.

True story.

1sourapple said...

Some of my co-workers HAVE no inside voices. Like, they were never made to use them, so now everyone just puts up with it. It sometimes makes me so angry that I give myself a migraine from being pissed off and mumbling bitchy comments under my breath instead of getting to say them aloud.

I'm not at work right now, but I'm getting mad just thinking about being at work. Ha ha.

jo said...

I'm sick of hearing about it too!!

Marisa said...

Nooo, don't hate on True Blood! True Blood is awesome. Have you heard that theme song?!

aleph_naught said...

Cad! How dare you insult my precious True Blood!

But seriously, I'm not sure if I'm more amazed by the awesome non-sequiturialness of that gay comment or the fact that the other person was willing to continue speaking to someone who'd just said such a thing.