Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Twilight Years*

*or, The Sculpted Alabastard.

People who don't enjoy taking the piss out of Twilight, maybe you should skip this one. Everyone else: here is a story about Twilight, after the initial infatuation has worn off.

In a small weatherboard house on the shabbier side of town, the sun is peeping cautiously in through a chink in the curtains. Bella Cullen (nee Swan) is asleep in the bed, her long, dark hair spilling over the pillow. The floor is covered in dessicated hamster corpses in various stages of decay. A hamster that somehow survived the massacre produces a horrendous death rattle, and Bella wakes up. She leans over the bed, just in time to see the hamster's quivering vomitous death, and clenches her teeth. "Edward! What the hell is this?"
There is silence. She shouts again, then gets out of the bed and walks across the room, kicking aside hamster bodies as she does so.
"This," Bella mutters under her breath, "is fucking disgusting."

Bella walks down the hallway and into the kitchen, where Edward is standing, naked and in a rather posed position, in front of the sink. His well-muscled, alabaster back is facing Bella, who begins to harangue him about his midnight snacking habits, occasionally waving a hastily collected hamster corpse to emphasise a point. After a couple of sentences Edward spins around, snarling. He is clutching a headless rat and has blood all over his chin.
"That's revolting," Bella says. "It's like drinking milk straight from the carton." She shakes her head and opens the cupboard.

Edward, disdainful of Bella's toast, snaps a rat bone between his teeth and begins to suck out the marrow. Bella scowls. "Why do you always have to ruin my breakfast?"
Edward cracks another bone and wanders disinterestedly out of the kitchen and down the hallway, sculpted alabaster buttocks bobbing slightly as he walks, sculpted alabaster scrotum peeking out between his thighs.

Bella shouts after him, "I know you're a vampire, but for the love of God, put some pants on!" Without turning around, Edward raises his perfectly sculpted alabaster middle finger.

When Bella returns from work that night and walks into the lounge, where Edward is sitting and playing a zombie game on Xbox, she is not in a good mood. Edward's grunted hello doesn't help.
Bella fills in the conversation herself, in a sing-song voice she knows Edward hates: "Oh, hi, Bella, how was your day? It was great, thanks, Edward. Thank you for asking."
She looks around the room, wrinkles her nose.
"It smells revolting in here. You do know that being immortal doesn't mean you never have to shower, right?"

Bella walks through to the kitchen then abruptly reappears in the doorway, hands on hips.
"Edward, seriously," she says, "you could've done the dishes."
Edward pouts and replies, without taking his eyes off the screen, "I don't use dishes, Bella. I'm a vampire. I don't eat."
"Edward, there is a dead rat in the sink."
"It's not mine." Bella doesn't say anything.
"OK, it is mine." Bella, thinking of the previous week's exsanguinated hooker in the bathroom episode, doesn't reply. Instead, she sits down beside Edward and asks, cautiously, if he had any luck finding a job. Edward snarls and throws the Xbox controller to the floor, where it crashes through the floorboards.
Bella says, "Oh for God's sake," and puts her head in her hands.

"We've been over this," Edward shouts, "Of course I haven't got a job! I can't get a job, because people will notice."
"Notice what? Notice that you're a lazy bastard? You know what I have noticed? You are beginning to get fat."
"Don't be ridiculous," says Edward, "I can't get fat. I am a vampire. And - I don't know why you even bothered to ask this - people will notice I don't age."
"You can get fat," Bella says, "you are getting fat. Because all you ever do is sit about on your arse."
"Bella," Edward says, in the tone one uses to address a small and not very bright child, "Darling, it is not easy, being a vampire."
"Try being married to one," Bella says through gritted teeth. "I should have listened to my father. Hair product all over the pillows and rat skulls in the bed and dead babies in the bath! Eternity has never seemed so long. I have had enough of this, Edward. I am going out."

"But," Edward cries, "the vampire baseball game! I am playing!"
"Go by yourself," Bella says, "I'm going to Jacob's."
"That bastard!" Edward shouts.
"Yes," Bella says cheerfully, "that bastard."

As Bella leaves, Edward stands in the doorway in his boxer shorts, unkempt and ineffective, and shouts, "You'll regret this, Bella! He'll shed everywhere!"

Bella turns round and smiles brightly at Edward, who is sparkling pathetically in the dying light, and says, "Only on a full moon."


a cat of impossible colour said...


Although your Bella has way more gumption than Actual Bella.

Juli Ryan said...

Hilarious! And true.

Nick said...

I think my favourite bit is when Bella accosts Edward over the dead rat in the sink... awesome!

Heather said...

I haven't even read Twilight yet! Or seen the movie! But instinct tells me "The Twilight Years" is a million times better...

Let's have an alabaster buttock party!

Christina said...

Ahahahahahaha, brilliant :D

Judearoo said...

'sculpted alabaster scrotum' - cracked me up!! :D

Anonymous said...

"Tractor" sounds a lot like "Horse"! ...have you seen Eagle vs Shark? sure you would enjoy it.

jo said...

funniest story ever. I'm going to print it out and annoy die hard fans with it.