Here is a list of things that annoy me.
- Being told, "Oh, you're going to love Robert!" As soon as someone says this I am determined to hate Robert. Also, because I am 'quirky' i.e. will talk to strangers, it is always assumed that I am going to love Roberts who are a) theater people (ps I hate theater people) and b) constantly talking about themselves in their Outside Voice. Obviously I want to be able to constantly talk about myself, I do not want Robert interrupting me. I am not going to love Robert, I'm probably going to think he's a douchebag, and also I don't like the implication that I am as much of a dick as he is, and that this is why we'll get along. Just saying, "Robert's interesting, you should like him" is probably enough. Or maybe, "I like Robert, he knows a lot about Africa."
- Friends asking for relationship advice then getting pissed off when you answer honestly. "Is my boyfriend being a jerk?" "Yes." "Am I being a jerk?" "Yes." "FUCK YOU NO HE'S/I'M NOT!!!!1111" Sigh. I realise that what I'm meant to say is either, "Nooo...well, I mean, maybe he is being a bit insensitive, but he has a very stressful job and he probably didn't mean to call you fat and then sleep with that hooker," or "Nooooo, that's totally not a dick move, you go right on ahead and manipulate that poor guy, I'm going to buy you a beer!" But I am not very good at saying these things when I am tired and grumpy.
- People who, when you answer the phone, don't bother to say hello. I like it when conversations go, "Welcome to Classifieds, you're speaking with Ally." "Hi, this is Jenny from Hot Dog Pokers*, I'd like to repeat an ad. My account number is 23284." What I do not like is conversations that go like this: "Welcome to Classifieds, you're speaking w-" "3526478." Followed by silence. Just as good is, "Welcome to Classifi-" "Jenny from Hot Dog Pokers account 23284 new ad for Saturday." Silence. It is amazing that I don't hang up on more people.
*they make fire-stirring implements, what did you think?
- Being put on hold by someone who has just called you. I do hang up on these ones. There are two types: the ones who hear you say, "Welcome to...", register that someone's picked up, and then put you on hold while they finish off; and those who reply to "Welcome to Classifieds..." with "Oh, hi, can you just hold for a moment," and then put you on hold. And then I hang up. And then they call back and complain that someone hung up on them. "Oh," I say, "I'm sure it must have been a mistake." But it isn't! Tee hee hee.
- The bookshop in Palmerston North whose number came up on my cellphone as a missed call. I called it back. This is how it went. "Hi, this is Ally." "Hi." "Just returning your call." "I'm sorry?" "You called my cellphone?" "Um...no we didn't." "I have a missed call from this number." "Hmm. Maybe we did call it. Did you order a book?" No. No, I did not order a book. Unless I ordered a book and then promptly forgot about it.
- Tamara's sandwich. It is stinky and it is stinking out our pod. Get out, Tamara! And take your stinky sandwich with you!
OK I feel better now. Next up: Sexy Babyjesus merchandise.