Thursday, December 10, 2009

15 More Sleeps

I am insanely tired and grumpy and being nagged, by several different people, to update my blog. Dear Readers. I love you all very much, but a) I have a full-time job and b) I sometimes do stuff outside of work as well and c) I don't like posting just for the sake of posting something, because that leads to bad quality posts, like this one. SO QUIT YO' BITCHIN.

Here is a list of things that annoy me.
  • Being told, "Oh, you're going to love Robert!" As soon as someone says this I am determined to hate Robert. Also, because I am 'quirky' i.e. will talk to strangers, it is always assumed that I am going to love Roberts who are a) theater people (ps I hate theater people) and b) constantly talking about themselves in their Outside Voice. Obviously I want to be able to constantly talk about myself, I do not want Robert interrupting me. I am not going to love Robert, I'm probably going to think he's a douchebag, and also I don't like the implication that I am as much of a dick as he is, and that this is why we'll get along. Just saying, "Robert's interesting, you should like him" is probably enough. Or maybe, "I like Robert, he knows a lot about Africa."

  • Friends asking for relationship advice then getting pissed off when you answer honestly. "Is my boyfriend being a jerk?" "Yes." "Am I being a jerk?" "Yes." "FUCK YOU NO HE'S/I'M NOT!!!!1111" Sigh. I realise that what I'm meant to say is either, "Nooo...well, I mean, maybe he is being a bit insensitive, but he has a very stressful job and he probably didn't mean to call you fat and then sleep with that hooker," or "Nooooo, that's totally not a dick move, you go right on ahead and manipulate that poor guy, I'm going to buy you a beer!" But I am not very good at saying these things when I am tired and grumpy.

  • People who, when you answer the phone, don't bother to say hello. I like it when conversations go, "Welcome to Classifieds, you're speaking with Ally." "Hi, this is Jenny from Hot Dog Pokers*, I'd like to repeat an ad. My account number is 23284." What I do not like is conversations that go like this: "Welcome to Classifieds, you're speaking w-" "3526478." Followed by silence. Just as good is, "Welcome to Classifi-" "Jenny from Hot Dog Pokers account 23284 new ad for Saturday." Silence. It is amazing that I don't hang up on more people.

    *they make fire-stirring implements, what did you think?

  • Being put on hold by someone who has just called you. I do hang up on these ones. There are two types: the ones who hear you say, "Welcome to...", register that someone's picked up, and then put you on hold while they finish off; and those who reply to "Welcome to Classifieds..." with "Oh, hi, can you just hold for a moment," and then put you on hold. And then I hang up. And then they call back and complain that someone hung up on them. "Oh," I say, "I'm sure it must have been a mistake." But it isn't! Tee hee hee.

  • The bookshop in Palmerston North whose number came up on my cellphone as a missed call. I called it back. This is how it went. "Hi, this is Ally." "Hi." "Just returning your call." "I'm sorry?" "You called my cellphone?" "Um...no we didn't." "I have a missed call from this number." "Hmm. Maybe we did call it. Did you order a book?" No. No, I did not order a book. Unless I ordered a book and then promptly forgot about it.

  • Tamara's sandwich. It is stinky and it is stinking out our pod. Get out, Tamara! And take your stinky sandwich with you!

OK I feel better now. Next up: Sexy Babyjesus merchandise.

2 comments:

a cat of impossible colour said...

Wow, you be grumpy today.

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

there is nothing like good rant. maybe these trademe listings will cheer you up?

"Paunch bowl" - thought this might be some kind of stool/self middle agged men rest their bellies on. alas no, just a punch bowl.

"shagvent calender" - disapointingly designed for couples but i think it would be much more exciting for singles as you have the added challenge of finding someone new to do the daily tasks with. -possibly a bit slutty tho.