Sunday, December 13, 2009

2012 More Sleeps

Last night I went to the cinema and watched 2012. I'm still not sure whether or not I enjoyed it. It is completely ridiculous. Also, it leaves disaster movies nowhere to go, unless the whole solar system explodes.

For those of you who haven't seen it, this is what happens:

In 2009, a young Indian astrophysicist discovers that the Earth's insides are melting. (I am not sure whether or not there is any real science involved.) Probably not, though, because when someone tells someone else what is going on they say, "But that's impossible!" (The scriptwriting is luminously bad. It STINKS.) The astrophysicist tells his friend, an American geologist, who tells the President, who is Danny Glover. More importantly, the geologist runs into the President's daughter, who is Thandie Newton. They are both young, gifted, and black. It is obvious that they are going to make out.

In 2012, John Cusack is a struggling novelist. He picks up his children from his ex-wife's house, where he has a run-in with her new husband Gordon, a plastic surgeon and possible douchebag, and takes them to Yellowstone National Park, because that is what you do when you are American. JC takes the kids into a restricted area and gets picked up by the Government. He meets the geologist, who happens to be reading his, JC's, book! You think this is going to end up being important, but it isn't.

Still at the park, JC and kids run into a crazy man predicting the end of the world. He tells JC that huge survival ships have been made, and that only the powerful and wealthy will be boarding. Luckily, though, he has a map with the location of the ships. JC think this is nuts. There are a buttload of earthquakes, and JC takes the kids home. (The movie could have ended there).

Somewhere in Washington, the President initialises the boarding procedure for the survival ships (which were real after all). Billionaires from all over the globe fly off to The Place.

After JC drops the kids off, he goes to work as a chauffeur ferrying about rich Russian children. He takes them to the airport, and drops a suitcase on one of their fat Russian feet. The child says, "Ha ha, you are going to die, but we are going on a big ship and we are going to live," or words to that effect, then gets on a plane. JC remembers the crazy dude saying something about ships. An earthquake opens up a crack in the ground beneath his limo. JC hires a plane. He pays for it with his watch. This makes perfect sense. It is one of those movies.

JC goes to get the kids, the ex-wife, and Gordon. As they drive to the airport, the earthquake manages to remain one step behind them - it looks like the car is riding a huge wave of cracking earth. The CGI team are excited. At one point, JC drives the limo through a falling skyscraper.

They get to the airport. The pilot is dead. Oh no! Luckily, Gordon has had 2 flying lessons! He must be a natural though, because he weaves the plane in and out of toppling buildings for a good 3 minutes while the CGI team wank furiously in the background. Los Angeles slides into the ocean. Of course it does.

Gordon flies the plane back to the national park. JC goes to find the map. He finds it, but then Yellowstone erupts (of course it does). JC is driving a van. The van, which is on fire because it was hit by a chunk of lava, falls down a crevasse. JC is seen dangling over a pit of lava.

Cut back to Gordon, who is starting the plane. Children are crying, ex-wife is crying. Gordon is not crying. Suddenly JC's hand, still clutching the map, appears at the edge of the crevasse! How he got out is never explained. JC dashes down the runway, earthquake at his heels, and is yanked into the plane. Gordon outflies the volcanic eruption (of course he does). JC looks at the map. The ship is in China. JC says, "We're going to need a bigger plane." The scriptwriter never works again.

They land in Las Vegas, where by some coincidence the Russian billionaire, his kids, and his blonde girlfriend (and her small dog) have also ended up. The billionaire is shouting at his pilot, who is called Sasha and looks immensely Russian, about wanting to leave for China NOW. Sasha frowns and says, "I need co-pilot." Despite the fact that everyone is at an airport Gordon appears to be the best pilot around and so his flying skills are once again put to the test. The Russian pilot knocks the top off of the Eiffel Tower (of course he does).

Back to the White House. The geologist calls his father, who is an old black jazz musician, and says goodbye. It is touching. The President refuses to board Air Force One, instead choosing to stay with the people. It is touching. The geologist boards instead. So does the President's daughter. They are not touching but they're totally going to be later. Air Force One leaves for China. The President helps some people. Sudden cut to Italy, where the Sistine Chapel ceiling cracks right down the middle, splitting forever the fingers of God and Man. Of course it does.

On the way in to China the plane that JC and co are on flies past Honolulu, which is a massive mountain of lava. This is spectacular but unfortunate as they cannot refuel and will have to crash-land in China. Luckily, the cargo hold is full of expensive cars, one of which JC drives out of the cargo hold of the plane, while the plane is still in the air. Russian pilot dies valiantly.

Everyone stands around in the snow. Suddenly a fleet of Chinese helicopters appears! Most of these have large animals dangling from harnesses underneath the helicopter - giraffes and elephants and so on, swaying gently in the breeze. (I am not making this up.) The Russian billionaire and his children have tickets to go on the ships (which cost 1 billion euro each) but no-one else does.

Luckily, a passing monk is going to the ships (of course he is). He picks up the JC family. When they get there the twist is that the ships are not spaceships but water ships! Arks. Oooooo. The monk and his brother, who is an engineer, smuggle everyone on board the ship. There is a scene where the small dog walks across a gaping chasm in order to get to the Russian woman. It is ridiculous. Also, Gordon gets caught in some hydraulics and dies.

Back to the command centre, where we have just seen the Queen, wrangling 2 corgis, board an ship. It is ridiculous. The geologist, also now aboard a ship, tells everyone that the world is going to flood in 28 minutes. He has an argument about humanity, and wins. The President's daughter is impressed.

Suddenly, the world floods. The American ship, complete with JC & family, is unable to get the
back door closed because there's a bit of crap (not Gordon) stuck in the hydraulics.

The tidal wave hits! Everything is going OK when suddenly the main anchor support is taken out by - wait for it - Air Force One, which was swept up in the flood. The Captain announces that there is going be a collision with the slopes of Mount freakin' Everest. By this stage of the movie no-one is surprised.

The monk has a moment where he almost loses his faith, but he looks upwards and sees a giraffe and everything is OK again. This makes no sense. The Russian blonde dies, but manages to first throw her dog - and JC's child - to safety.

However, the engines can't be started until the back door is closed, and without the engines a collision with Everest would be fatal! The only person who can fix the hydraulics is... JC! The geologist, watching, says, "I am reading that dude's book."

JC saves the day and, showing a shocking lack of respect for the recently mangled Gordon, makes out with his ex-wife. The geologist makes out with the President's daughter. It is discovered that Africa did not get covered by water, so they all go there. The End.


Holly said...

Good grief. That sounds like a TERRIBLE (if slightly amusing just for teh lulz) movie! Thanks for saving me from having to see it. :D

sas said...

2012 is the new standard for craptasticness.

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

I got sucked into seeing that as funraising event.

thought it might be a piss take like snakes on a plane but no. utter shite, appart from the novelity factor of watching such a crap film.

Let's Kill Saturday Night said...

That was pretty much right on. Loving your work.

Madame DeFarge said...

Thank you for saving me a small fortune and not having to see the film. Sounds truly dire.

Shirley Dockerill said...

wow that sounds really awful, so bad in fact i had to keep reading the story line to see if it improved. it didn't.

BTW: at our local cinema they have two adverts next to each other, one for the film 2012 and the other for an arabic film. the advert for 2012 says, "who will survive?" and on the advert for the arabic film it says "ahmed". wondering if you saw ahmed in the film and if he survived

sleep500 said...

So when the president and his advisors are black the world is going to end? Is that what this movie says?

Judearoo said...

I wanted to drown those kids within 20 seconds of them appearing onscreen. Did enjoy things blowing up though...

a cat of impossible colour said...

I think the prophecy about the world ending in 2012 was actually warning us about this movie.

The Archduchess said...

I agree with the above comment.

PS THE INSIDE OF THE EARTH ARE ALREADY MOLTEN. But then again, who was expecting real science?

The Archduchess said...

*s. Insides. I may use capslock, but I know how to spell. I think.