Tuesday, December 01, 2009

24 More Sleeps*

*I'm going to title my posts like this for the whole month.

This week = Christmas shopping.
This week = Planning Christmas dinner menu.
This week = Marching in the Christmas parade.
This week = Getting ready for Santer!*

*after seeing it spelt this way in a Westport shop window I have decided it is obviously the superior spelling.

FUCK OFF, CHRISTMAS.

Shopping is OK as I have a fairly small family (dwarfism is rampant) and have decided what everyone's getting, except for Dad. Dad, what do you want? Let me know or it will be mulled wine mix and half a packet of fags. Mum is getting magazine subscription - nobody tell her, please - and Kate is being flown to Melbourne for a midweek shopping trip (she knows about this so feel free to mention it - does anyone know anything about stuff like theme parks in that area? I hope there aren't any, but Kate hopes there are). Have no idea what friends are getting (for the three of them that are getting presents, humbug humbug) but am sure Something Will Present Itself. If not, I shall walk beatifically into the lounge on Christmas morning and declare, "Your Present is My Presence." Then I shall leave again and go to the pub. If anyone has any great ideas for presents let me know. I am legendarily crap at gift-giving, both in the choice of gift and in getting around to giving a gift at all.

Hahaha! My really rude colleague just said to a customer, "Excuse me, I'm trying to interrupt you, but you just keep on going." Maybe she has met her match at last!

This Situations Vacant ad I am doing calls for "Experienced Chicken Boners." Hur hur hur. Bonerrrrr. I am sick of work I just wanna go home and play my trumpet that is not a euphemism.

EDIT: Have just found out that Pearl Jam only gave one newspaper interview, and they decided who got it by asking all the reporters 10 questions about Pearl Jam. Questions like, "Which band was the drummer in before PJ," and "What is your favourite song, and why?" (Am not making the questions up.) Is that kind of douchebaggy, or do I just think it's kind of douchebaggy because I don't like PJ?

10 comments:

a cat of impossible colour said...

Exceedingly douchebaggy.

I presume I am one of the Three? (Like the Nine, but only Three of them, unless one of your friends is the size of Seven people). You know me - get me some piece of crap from a second-hand store and I'm happy. :)

IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS UNLESS IT'S A TERRIBLE PRESENT.

Joff said...

Melbourne theme park = Luna Park in St. Kilda.

It was built in like 1920 or something, and is very very cute.

It has the southern hemisphere's oldest running rollercoaster. It's not very scary as far as rollercoasters go.

Juli Ryan said...

Once I walked out of a PJ concert that cost US$7 (I went to see the opening band). PJ is that douchebaggy.

I am terrible at giving gifts and remembering to give gifts. I don't like what this says about me. Stupid Christmas.

Claire said...

Dear ALLY,

I think you are fantastically funny and I want to come to NZ and be friends. Will let you know if I ever make it down there.

I have a question for you: if you could, for one day, switch bodies with EITHER a)any female (rich, gorgeous, famous, etc.--maybe even imaginary/fictional if you want) OR b)the boy next door (i.e. not rich/beautiful/famous, just your average male) which would you pick?

Affectionately,
Claire

IT IS ALLY said...

Andrea - You are one of the Three! It sounds like there should be dramatic western music after that statement. I will get you A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF MINK FOOD

Joff - Sounds good. Kate also wants to know if Melbourne has a beach.

Juli - Am glad PJ hatred is widespread. Completely agree about Christmas - we are not bad people. Just bad gift-givers.

Claire - Thank you! If you ever come to NZ we can totally be friends because you sound cool. Good question - I would be the boy next door, because eventually I am going to be rich gorgeous female anyway. But if you throw 'fictional' into the mix then I might be a female with superpowers (it would be more about the superpowers, though). I would not be Angelina Jolie. Too many children, and also I would probably break her and get in trouble.

Joff said...

St Kilda beach is about 100 metres from Luna Park.

So there's that, and about 1000km of beach extending south from that point onwards.

chris.dadness said...

I had just had a great idea for a New Thing - a Meme Park. Try the LOL Cats ride - its awesome.

IT IS ALLY said...

Joff - wooo! Truly, is there anything Melbourne _doesn't_ have?

chris - Best. Idea. Ever. Seriously, that is awesome and I may blog about it later. Provided that is ok.

chris.dadness said...

Meme Park is totally open source. Go for it.

Me and Leez said...

Draw a picture. This is always the best present you can get anyone. ESPECIALLY if you are a shit artist! It is also very cheap. Recipe is as follows;
1) Acquire canvas from the warehouse/two dollar shop/cupboard under bench. Size of canvas is important as this determines your subject. Large canvas = sky, medium canvas = plant of some description (though probably either a cabbage tree or some elegant flax leaves), small canvas = abstract pen swirl.

2) Find colouring things. Paint is best but annoying. Felt tips are awesome but run out. Crayon takes the biscuit.

3) Select bottle of wine (I have put wine here because it has become apparent you drink a great deal of wine. When making presents I usually mosey down the vodka lime and soda avenue (also called a skinny tramp, or similar?) but wine, also, is a-ok). Selection is based on artistic qualities of said wine. Red may make you more impressionable. Or just more hungover. I know nothing about wine.

4) Attack canvas with flair and verve. And other adjectives that seem appropriate.

5) Admire. Wrap. Miracle of giving.