Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Pipe Dreams

My most triumphant Christmas present this year - bought by me, not given to me - is a pipe. Tobacco, not the other kind.

My father used to smoke a pipe. It drove my mother mad because he would put it in the back pocket of his shorts ("When you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt," my father says, "there's nowhere to put your pipe") when it wasn't properly extinguished. Mum said she'd see him walking down the hill from the house, smoke curling up from his back pocket, and think 'any minute that man is going to jump a mile.' Also, they wore the same shorts (as you do when it's the 70s and you're in love) so she had to deal with the pocket-holes.

I asked Joff if there was anything I should buy to go with the pipe. He said, "Pipe cleaners! Turns out they aren't just for making animals," which was something I'd never really thought about. He also said, "A smoking jacket." Luckily, I already have one of those! But I'm keeping it. It belonged to my grandfather, and after he died I claimed it. It is gold and brown and has an embroidered dragon and quilted lining and it is Awesome.

I called Dad to ask if there was anything I should buy to go with the pipe. He said, "Pipe tobacco." I have only come across pipe tobacco once before, when I lived in a rather povertous flat - one of my flatmates had acquired a half-packet of pipe tobacco somewhere. The poor-studentness of the flat was confirmed one winter evening when I came home to find him smoking a cigarette made of pipe tobacco, rolled in an expired bus ticket, with a cardboard filter. He was having a fucking horrible time. And that, my friends, is addiction.

Here I am getting into the spirit of Christmas, with a tree. I really need a haircut.

11 comments:

IT IS ALLY said...

ps there are no lighting effects in that photo, I am just kind of translucent blue.

Owen said...

I hope you asked that child nicely for their cardigan. Thanks for the pipe hun :)

omchelsea said...

are you MILKING the tree?

IT IS ALLY said...

Owen - I kicked the child in the knee.

omchelsea - I...I am swinging from it in a carefree fashion! But now that you mention it I can kind of see how it might look like I am milking the tree. Hmmm.

HG said...

THAT...is an awesome gift. I love the whole ritual of it all, and the smells...ahh.. If it wouldn't totally look back woods and inbred-esque for a woman to smoke one I would SO ditch these camels and get a pipe!

Holly said...

WOW your hair is long! :O

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

yay for the pretty hair! The pipe is an awesome idea!!! I've got a present for you, It's incase i ever get around to visiting Christchurch, not for Christmas.

Do you want to know what it is?... I got it at the sally army and i'm sure you'll be able to imagine the awesomeness of it already.

otherworldlyone said...

Haha, that it's the thinest branch I've ever seen anyone "swing" from.

Baglady said...

You look a little like a Disney (TM) heroine about to burst into song about finding the man she loves.

Are you?

wv= ingstoci. The latin plural of "in stocking". As in where I expect my pressies to be in about 36 hours.

IT IS ALLY said...

HG - I fully intend to smoke the pipe from time to time. Also, to say, "Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!" Hur hur hur.

Holly - I know! Not as long as yours, though.

kat - yes please I want to know what it is can I eat it?

ow1 - yeah it's because I'm so skinny that I can do that. Ha ha ha.

Baglady - yes! I am just waiting for my animal friends to arrive.

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

would you want to eat something I found at the sallies' shop????

NO, but you can drink from it and it has a frosted glass stem shapped like a trumpet.

and soon will be tastefully decorated and personalised with those fear inducing words "this one time at band..." :-)