Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas Dinner

It won't be like this.

It is 11.30 and nothing has been cooked or prepared, but everyone is drunk and my mother has got her hand stuck in the turkey. I have tinsel on my head and am wearing my pyjamas.

Slightly senile grandmother arrives and promptly removes all of her clothes, claiming that Jesus spends His birthday in His birthday suit and therefore she is going to do the same.

Small cousin, who has appeared as if by magic, produces photo of well-oiled naked man who is probably not Jesus and insists on propping it up in the middle of the dining room table. Mother attempts to move a flower arrangement in front of it but is blocked by cougar aunt, who hoots lewdly. Sound of older aunt's tooth-grinding can be heard from out in the hallway, along with wrenching open of wine bottle. Uncle retires to the bathroom for twenty minutes to "make room."

Other uncle arrives, drunk, with small, spoilt, immensely fat cousin and aunt, who is carrying trifle. Fat cousin, who is wearing lederhosen, attempts to pull turkey off Mum and sends self careering backwards into tree, landing on all the presents. Aunt gets flustered and drops the trifle on the dog, who is excited about this Christmas treat and starts barking and running around in circles. Fat cousin has destroyed a large Crown Lynn jug. Fat cousin has shard of Crown Lynn stuck in buttocks. Luckily yet another of the endless cousins is a doctor and performs emergency buttock surgery on the couch, using the carving knife intended for the turkey; however it is decided that fat cousin needs hospital. Fat cousin leaves in ambulance, wailing and clutching tub of ice-cream which was intended to go round entire family.

Uncle Make-Room returns from the bathroom, sits at the table, and bashes his knife and fork against his plate. "When's grub?" he roars. Druncle opens a beer bottle with his teeth and spits chewing tobacco in the general direction of the rubbish bin. It goes on the carpet. Druncle starts carving the turkey with an electric bread knife. Cougar aunt simpers and makes a pun about power tools.

Uncle asks, in tone of forced jollity, "So! How's the-" but we never find out what it is because a bird flies down from the fence to see what is at the bottom of his cavernous mouth.* The bird gets stuck in his face and no-one knows what to do until Druncle spears it with the bread knife and flings its carcass out the window.

Aunt says, valiantly, "This turkey is just lovely," and drinks some of the brandy sauce. The brandy sauce has got feathers in it, and one of them sticks to her mole.

Mother tries to light the Christmas pudding on fire but the gas has been left on and there is a huge explosion and next year we all go to the pub instead THE END.

*Zach said this


*uncorked said...

Holy shit - are we related?

Anonymous said...

In case conversation runs dry tomorrow...