Saturday, January 23, 2010

I'm oily, I'm oily oily oily

Today I made a mistake. The mistake was hair oil.

I know that buying and using hair oil doesn't sound like something anyone in their right mind would think was a good idea but I was in the Asian Supermarket (other purchases included miso paste, shrimp crackers, and tinned bananas, which are fucking gross, what was I thinking) and then I saw the hair oil. I had just been overtaken by an Indian woman with an aggressive shopping trolley manner but lovely hair, and I was just thinking about how nice her hair was and then I looked in front of me and there on the shelf was this hair oil and I knew it was a terrible idea but it smelt like jasmine and had exotic words in the description and I was overcome by a sense of reckless adventure and I bought some and I put it on my head!

And now I look like a Greek banker and smell like a five-dollar whore.

Anyway it turns out that hair oil is not a magical non-oily oil, which I thought it was (why did I think this?) - it is pretty much like olive oil except it absolutely reeks of jasmine. I applied some hair oil - in hindsight, far too much - in the car on the way home and, after Mum had made me wind down the window, Kate hooted and said, "Lucky there aren't any whales around! Watch out for the oil slick!" "It is penguins and sea birds," I said in a dignified manner, "not whales," but they continued to laugh, then banned me from the communal lounge for being 'too pungent.' Fuckin' A I am. They won't be laughing when I wake up tomorrow morning with amazing hair.

I like to say I do these mad things so that you don't have to, but actually it is because I have very poor impulse control.

It is lucky the battery for my brand new digital camera (I finally bought one! expect photo blogs) isn't charged yet, because I would insist on showing you my oily goodness (if I were a fish, I would be very good for you) and then you, too, would think I was disgusting and no longer be tempted to vote for me in the Bloggies, hint hint. Gotten around to that yet, by the way?


Holly said...

Oh dear! The only vaguely helpful suggestion I have is to wash your hair and try again, with a ridiculously tiny amount. Perhaps it won't be as bad as you expect, and it's also easier to add MORE than to take some off once it's there! That is, if you dare to even open the bottle again!

Hmm, were there (English) instructions on the bottle? It's not one of those things you're supposed to put on your head, leave for XYZ amount of time, and then wash out, is it?

Looking forward to the photoblogging! :)

*uncorked said...

Oh that sounds terrifying. "And now I look like a Greek banker and smell like a five-dollar whore." Absolutely hilarious. And tinned bananas? I just threw up a little.

Not Drowning Mother said...

Oooh, you're funny.

My hair is far from amazing. It falls into the classification of "man hair".

Still, I sleep well at night. When I'm not being woken up by my three children. Which is pretty much every night.

Your life seems better than mine. Wanna swap?

uglygirl said...

I voted for you in the Bloggies. Not because you told me to, because I had never read this blog before, but because all the other blogs seemed to be about "cute" children and people who wear lycra to cycle. How do those people have time to blog, anyway? Shouldn't they be busy mothering their children and, um, flipping the bird at motorists or something?

Makes me embarrassed to be Australian. God, that is such an un-Australian thing to say. I'd better take it back, in case I want to run for parliament one day.

Anyway, my blog is full of haiku. I can only find one I've written about guys with whom I've kept company:

I can't believe I forgot to mention that guy Fabio that I shagged because his name was Fabio and it was too funny not to.

Nicola said...

Love your blog. Haiki post was pure perfection. Still...can I cast 2 votes as NDM pipped you to the post...?

Best of (British) luck...

(Oh and good luck with the hair - look forward to photos of its shining radiance at some point)

a cat of impossible colour said...

I think you should indeed swap lives with Not Drowning Mother because clearly you have never experienced hardship. How dare you post about such frivolous things when there is PAIN and HUNGER in the world? I am also deeply offended that you made a joke about oil slicks because oil slicks are a HUGE PROBLEM. And you made racist comments about Greeks and Indians and whales. AND YOU INSULTED TINNED BANANAS. Entire foreign economies are based on the subtle art of correctly tinning the humble banana! Is there no end to your evil?


Leaving the clear deficiencies in your character aside for a moment, I am sure there are Italian billionaires out there who would be totally into a girl with oily, jasmine-scented hair who can make a kick-ass tiramisu and play the trumpet.

a cat of impossible colour said...

Also, I think you and uglygirl are soulmates because she shagged someone called Fabio because his name was too amusing not to, and you would TOTALLY DO THAT. That is also why we are friends.

Posie Patchwork said...

Congratulations on your bloggie nomination!! Love your clock, bit of a Wentworth Miller fan myself. It's possibly going to take a lot of cheap shampoo to get the oil out, then use a more expensive one for sheen, bounce & you know, leaving the house!! Love Posie

pixelhazard said...

Congrats on the nom!

Hair oil is so normal in indian. You only need a few drops and you work from the bottom of your hair, underlayers to the top eventually...but too much and you have calamity. Experiment a little more I say!

chris.dadness said...


wv = peabut: person with very small bottom

IT IS ALLY said...

Holly - I did your suggestion and it was much better! Nah, no English instructions. Hair has actually not suffered too much :)

*uncorked - yeah man. Stay away from the tinned 'nanas.

NDM - Uh...maybe if you didn't have the children and husband. Would I have to move to Australia?

uglygirl - I would so totally shag someone called Fabio just because he was called Fabio. I slept with someone once because Andrea said "Go on, do, it'll be hilarious." And it was.

Nicola - you can cast 2 votes if you create a new email address! Tee hee hee.

Andrea - yes! Italian billionaire is what life is missing! Also, you are right about Fabio thing.

Posie - Am glad someone likes the clock! Usually everyone except me thinks it's a bit naff.

Pixel - Thank you for the advice! You are right, is much better when used in moderation. It's just that I'm so bad at moderation.

Chris - Thank you! You peabut.

chris.dadness said...

Geez, I went too early on the peabut, I just thought of something much better. It's what Perez Hilton would call peanut butter.

IT IS ALLY said...

AHAHAHAHAHA. That is awesome.

日月神教-向左使 said...