Wieners of the Week

Now with the correct spelling of 'wiener!' Which still looks totally wrong to me.

People who say 'fustrated' - this really frustrates me. In a perfect world, 'fustrate' would mean something really filthy, and everyone would be super-careful about their pronunciation, not run about spouting baby-talk out of their wiener holes.

Whoever wrote the tagline for 'Clash of the Titans' - for those of you who haven't seen the preview, it goes like this. "TITANS" (dramatic image) "WILL" (dramatic image) "CLASH" (many dramatic images in quick succession, then SILENT PAUSE-) "CLASH OF THE TITANS." Seriously? That's the best you could come up with? What if all movies had taglines like that? "Penguins Will March." "Tigers Will Crouch; Dragons Will Hide." "Wolves Will Dance (With You?)"

Corporatespeak - "Following the recent onboarding of the proactive redistribution unit, we are prepared to meet head-on any challenges going forward as a cohesive business unit. Please diarise and action as appropriate. Managers: please cascade." I don't understand why you wouldn't just- oh, right, big words make stuff sound more important. Verily, it is the language of the wieners.

Bus Invaders - Here is a small list of things which I do not enjoy during my daily commute.
1. Strangers who sit next to you on the bus and take up more than their half of the seat. Few things are less pleasant than feeling the heat and, yes, even a little of the damp from someone's big fat thigh.

2. Strangers who sit next to you on the bus even though there are whole spare seats available. I just do not get this at all.

3. Strangers who sit next to you on the bus and decide to talk to you about your day.

4. People who go on the bus when they have a cold and sniff in a disgusting fashion for the whole journey. Once I had to get off the bus several stops early because I was on the verge of turning round and roaring, "GET A FUCKING TISSUE YOU DISGUSTING MORON" and that would not have been good.

5. Strangers who sit next to you on the bus even though there are whole spare seats available and you have placed your bag on the seat next to you, a clear sign that you don't want to be bothered because you are trying to read your book or do your makeup or whatever, and then they come lumbering up the aisle and position their fat arse directly above your bag and force you to move it. This happened to me this morning and I was so fucking angry - there were so many spare seats, and then this chubby man came up the aisle and lowered his bum onto my bag (which I whisked out of the way just in time - I should've left it there) and then, to add insult to injury, started chatting.

"Hullo! How are you?"

"Fine."

"Good! I'm good." Pause. "Off to work, then?"

"Yes."

"Ah, Monday, eh?" Pause. "Where do you work?"

WIENER WIENER WIENER. I sometimes wish I was less polite and more inclined to tell people to fuck off.

My hair - it has decided to channel Farrah Fawcett and do an odd Charlie's Angels-style thing, which would be great if I didn't have to go to work, or if I did have to go to work but work was fighting crime in a catsuit, which to be honest I kind of wish it was. Perhaps this is revenge for hair oil incident? Stupid hair.

People who don't understand that 'reply' and 'reply all' are not the same thing - we have had the e-mail for years now, people. Years and bloody years. We do not all need to hear your banal comment on that 30-person group email. It was not very interesting in the first place, Nigel from band. Also Tony from band. You do it as well. You are both wieners.

Wine reviewer Tim Atkin - not only does he look like a bit of a wiener

Oh no, all this delicious wine has made me go bald!

- but he announced in his column last week that he will no longer be reviewing or recommending wine that comes in heavy bottles, because they shit all over the environment (he didn't phrase it quite like that). Now listen, Tim Atkin, you wiener, I completely respect your right to not allow heavy bottles into your own home. But your job means that you can't really hop up onto random high horses like that. What will it be next week? "I don't like Pinot Gris, and I am no longer going to review it." "I find Blenheim boring, so will no longer be reviewing any Marlborough wines." It is like a restaurant reviewer who refuses to go to any restaurant that serves food on square plates. Get over it.

Rihanna, who I didn't have a problem with until she went on Oprah and declared that she had been unable to sleep for worrying about the orphans in Haiti and then (I am not making this up), uttered that phrase of eternal wienerdom, "The children are the future." Which leads me right into...

People who are sanctimonious about international events. I am in no way saying that the quake in Haiti was not an enormous tragedy, because it was. That being said, I am sick of people who seem to have adopted a sort of how-dare-you attitude. "How can you think about buying shoes when Haiti?" "How can you talk about Hollywood gossip when Haiti?" "How can you HAVE A BEER WHEN HAITI????" Are you people serious? I am not going to stop spending money on coffee and shoes just because Haiti. I donated. I have done my bit. Feeling bad for Haiti is not going to help Haiti. Guilt-tripping everyone I know is not going to help Haiti.

Free Jazz - Sorry, Josh (and any other readers who have been known to partake in that group wank, the free jazz jam) but it is awful. Is it called "Free Jazz" because no-one would ever pay for it? It sounds like two spastic cats humping. It sounds like someone sitting on a gong, while someone else drops an accordion, while a third person plays the trombone with their arse. I mean, you don't even all have to be in the same key! It's just a group of people standing in a circle having a (musical) wank! WHICH LEADS ME TO...

John Mayer, Eternal Wiener King, creates a rather 'meta' moment by talking about his relationship with his own personal wiener.

"I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion."

Dear LORD he talks a lot of crap. I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life? Also, would someone please tell this man that wanking isn't really very edgy any more? Wiener.