Singstar: Bedroom

Dad: you might want to skip this one, it's about music. SEX MUSIC.

Does anyone else find that they have the problem of getting a song - often a completely inappropriate song - stuck in your head, you know, 'during?' I don't know why it happens, but there you are, getting amongst it, and all of a sudden you realise that for the last five minutes you've been singing Crazy Frog to yourself. Not actual Crazy Frog. I have never had Crazy Frog stuck in my head during sex. Hamster Dance, yes. Not kidding. (To those select readers who are currently thinking, "Was that with me ..." You're never going to know. (No, don't worry, it wasn't you. Probably.))

Man, it's lucky that I'm not trying to score anyone who reads this, because now that's all they'd be able to think about. "Is she thinking about dancing hamsters?" MAYBE I AM.

I was thinking about this because I was thinking about yesterday's graph and how I had been meaning to graph my bedpost notches by nationality. This isn't as easy as it sounds because
a) I'm not so good at complex percentages and
b) what do you do about people who are half-German, half-Australian, do you count that as two half-people, or do you categorise them as the one they performed more in the character of (straight-faced "Ja! Ja!" versus shouting "Crikey!" and drinking a beer throughout, in case you're wondering) and
c) some of the data is missing in that I have a terrible memory and lost my list. And also didn't always ask.

Anyway, I remembered the time I slept with an American guy and had that Estelle/ Kanye West "American Boy" song stuck in my head for the duration. Not only did this bring Kanye into my bedroom* - get out, Kanye! - and give the sex an unwanted R&B flavour but now I feel uncomfortable if that song comes on on public transport because, you know, everyone on the bus will know about the sex music.

I've always thought having a playlist of "sex songs" is a) creepily over-prepared and b) generally odd, but all this thinking about getting songs stuck in my head has changed my mind a bit. Having a backing track would eliminate the possibility of Soulja Boy popping up at an inopportune time (and also cover any unromantic squelching sounds).

Bad background music is maybe worse, though. You know what is not good sex music? Here are some things which are not good sex music:

• Queen. Anything by Queen, with the possible exception of a tongue-in-cheek Don't Stop Me, is just too damn epic. One feels as if one should be wearing a glittery headband and punching the air every 20 seconds.
  
  
• Anything in the super-ambient genre. Yeah, it starts off fine, but then it just gets gradually slower and slower until someone falls asleep.
  
  
• Mastodon. Why anyone would think this is a good idea is beyond me. No-one wants to have progressive metal sex - by which I mean, I certainly don't. My love life has enough shouting bearded men as it is, thank you.
  
  
• Music written and/or performed by the person you're with at the time. Because not only is it kind of arrogant, you just know they're going to have half an ear out for the part where Dylan was out of tune, or that really good bass solo. And then. They will stop mid-motion. And make you listen to the solo. Not kidding. (On this point: it would be really weird to be an artist whose hit single was a popular sex song. How would it feel, knowing that at pretty much any point in time some couple would be sliming the banana to the sounds of your Art? How would it feel, John Mayer? Would it feel... icky?)
  
  
• Anything that one of you is really into and is going to start singing along with (this has happened and it was Placebo which is bad sex music anyway, even before the chorus to Special K comes on and your inamorato starts roaring an out-of-tune "NO ESCAPING GRAAAAVITYYYY" into your ear, after which point it's just hopeless trying to enjoy yourself.) Also not good: you're watching a movie. He's seen it before, has become bored, and wants to make out. But you really, really want to find out if Harry and Sally end up getting together. But, you know, you don't want to seem rude. This is why I have no idea what happens in Vanilla Sky.
  
  
• Brass band music! Hahaha. I'm not kidding.
  

*man, imagine sleeping with Kanye. "Well, I'mma let you finish..."