Monday, February 01, 2010

Wieners of the Week (Vol. 5)

Germs. Germs are wieners and I am full of them - I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with something - I am all nauseous and woozy and my temperature is all wrong. I may have to cancel some of my tour dates. Fuck you, germs. Little edit: I have had some Codral and now I feel a bit better. But when I wrote this I hadn't had any Codral and that is why it reads so damn cranky.

People who say 'birf' instead of 'birth. See also: people who say 'fumb' instead of 'thumb,' and 'fink' instead of 'think.'

Women who play Who's Fattest - "Oh, you have such thin arms, I wish my arms were as thin as yours!" "Oh, no, they're really not that thin...anyway, you have such lovely legs, my legs are so fat!" "Don't be ridiculous, I'm much fatter than you, just look at my stomach!" "OK, you win, you're much fatter than me!" (But you don't actually say the last one, because that's Rude.)
I know I've mentioned this before but they're still wieners.
In a similar vein, when donuts arrive in the office and I mention that I intend to eat one: "Oh, I wish I could eat that - well, it's ok for you, isn't it, you're thin." Madam, your fatness is nobody's fault but your own. I am not lucky to be thin, I am thin because I don't constantly shovel treats into my face-hole. It is official. You are the Fattest.

People who call their Grandparents Odd Things - Last week I did a death notice for someone whose grandchildren called him 'Boompa.' What is wrong with 'Granddad'? ("But it's so cute, when she first started saying 'Grandpa' she couldn't say it properly so now we just call him 'Boompa!!!'" What, you don't correct your children when they mispronounce things? "But it's so cute, when she first started saying 'breakfast' she couldn't say it properly so now we just call it 'fuckface!!!!'" Also, poor Boompa. You wieners.)

Having to indulge people with Poor Circumstances - This is a bit controversial but I'm pretty sure it's happened to everyone. You meet someone, they are offensive in some fashion, they leave, and you say, "Huh, I didn't really like Thomas" or "Wow, she was kind of a dick-" and then there is a Terrible Hush and someone says uncomfortably, "Ally... you do know he's had cancer, right?" or "Ally... she's been through a lot, OK?" and then you're expected to go, "Oh my God, I am so sorry, I didn't know..." and descend into an ashamed silence. Just quietly, I am curious to know when exactly having a rough childhood/having Been Through a Lot/having had a bad illness, etc. became a Get Out of Jail Free card for wienerdom. I know plenty of people who have had some pretty shitty times but are still, you know, somehow managing to not be huge douchebags. Historic Bad Times = no excuse for lasting wienerdom. (Are you listening, indigenous peoples?)

Property management companies who, when you move out of a flat, make you spend three days cleaning in order to get the flat cleaner than it was on the day it was built, then take your bond anyway because there is half a carrot on the stairs, or a spider-sized stain on the carpet. I can't really name names but it starts with J and ends with Annu. See also: starts with Q, ends with Uinovic. Do not rent from these people, bad experiences have been had.

Relatives with Stupid Questions. I don't mind questions like "So, how's the love life? Any nice boys on the scene? Or girls?" (my aunt is still slightly skeptical that I shaved my head out of boredom and not lesbianism) because everyone asks those. My Most Hated Family Question is, "So when are you going to do something with your writing?"
(If you don't see why this is wienerish, imagine that between the ages of 5 and 10 you wanted to be a vet. You are now a happy and successful business analyst, but every time you see your grandmother she asks, "When are you going to go off to vet school? You were always so good with animals, it would be such a shame to waste all that talent.") I know it's poor form to call your grandmother a wiener but...man. Just as good is, "So how's work? Have they got you writing for the paper yet?" Are you out of your minds? That is not what I do. How is your work being old? Have they got you engraving headstones yet? Sheesh. Wiener.

People who say "Well, this is awkward" - Yes. Yes, it is. Especially now that you've said that. That's why I'm desperately trying to make polite small talk. Thanks for undoing all my hard work. Why don't you finish it off by making Awkward Turtle with your hands? <(")>

Health & Safety software - When I first met my friend Owen I asked him what he did - he said he was a Software Developer and I was all "Oh how fancy, what sort of software do you develop," and he said, "Health and Safety software," and I recoiled in horror and screamed, "You... you make that thing." You know the thing - you are working happily away, maybe you have a customer on the phone, maybe you have a deadline to meet, and then bam! your screen goes blank and up pops a little text box telling you to take a break and do 5 starjumps. "Sorry," you say to your corporate client, "I'm going to have to call you back, my Health & Safety software is telling me it's time to do the Worm to the Marketing department and back."

Cypress Ridge High School admin, who suspended three students for taking part in a prank during the yearbook photo, which featured some students wearing T-shirts that spelt out 'CLASS' as part of 'CLASS OF 2010.' Unfortunately the students in charge of C and L "ran off," leaving behind what authorities described as "an offensive three-letter word." In a huge, wienerish fit of over-reaction the school fined "A," "S" and "S" $135 each, which will be used for retouching the photo.

Customers who are rewarded for bad behaviour - This happens so often. A customer will ring with a ridiculous demand ("My ad was not quite the shade of green that I thought it was going to be and I don't want to pay for it") and I will say, "We have no control over that, your ad is not free" and then they will demand to speak to management and then they will SHOUT at management and then, inevitably, management will back down and give it to them for free. And then I will look like a wiener. Sigh. Behave abominably! Get free stuff! Be a wiener!

Perez Hilton - Ew. There is something off about Perez Hilton. If he was an apple I would expect him to be over-ripe and inhabited by a worm. He is not an apple, though. He is a wiener. A wiener who worships other wieners, like...

John Mayer, King of the Wieners! Here he is, talking about finding a girlfriend (but not a famous one.)
"I think it's psychologically important to people when they're famous to be the only famous person they know. That's something you don't hear people say that they should be saying: "I want to be the only famous person in my family." I would like for fame to be my thing and graphic design to be my wife's thing [...] I'm smart enough now to only consider coupling with people who are smart, worldly, capable, and are capacious intellectually in some way."
Oh, John Mayer. Are you out of your wiener mind? Anyone who is, as you spout, 'capacious intellectually' is not going to want to couple with you.

21 comments:

chris.dadness said...

Heavens - at this rate only you, me and the Dalai Lama are going to be non-wieners.

IT IS ALLY said...

I am sick! I am allowed to be grumpy! Also, would not be so sure about the DL.

a cat of impossible colour said...

And I wouldn't be so sure about you, chris.dadness.

No one is safe from wiener-dom!

uglygirl said...

Surely the "C" and "L" should have been fined, not the "ASS". Unless they kidnapped the "C" and "L". Well, I mean, if anyone were to be fined at all.

WV: chips. Yum.

Holly said...

You really don't like John Mayer, do you?

LOL at the health and safety software! Does that stuff actually exist? I have never seen it...and I hope I never do!

Too funny about the ASS of 2010! Off to Google that story now. It sounds amusing.

Mrs. L said...

Being from Chicago, I was attracted to the smell of wieners. Now I'm trying to figure out what day it is where you are. I'm thinking Monday about two-ish in the PM for you in the middle of summer. While it's Sunday around six-ish in the PM for me. In the middle of winter. Could we be six months apart?

brittanyib said...

Love this! I so agree with the fat competition, Perez Hilton, and also that "C" and "L" should have been fined, not "A" "S" & "S"

chris.dadness said...

Yeah, I suspect myself too to be honest. But the DL - come on, anyone with crinkly smile lines like that is off limits.

Can I point out that the 1.7 million people living in Vienna are all wieners?

Darnielle said...

"Having to indulge people with Poor Circumstances" spoke to me. I once knew a kiddy fiddler that got away with it because he was in a wheelchair.

'Cause, you know, you can't POSSIBLY be a paedophile without the use of your legs!

Anonymous said...

This is the best 'wieners of the week' EVER.*
(*Well, so far)
Today i am going anonymous, as I would like to commend you on your Un-PC-ness. Thank goodness for someone who can say the things I am too afraid to say.
1) I have a friend who says 'nusic' instead of 'music' and 'properly' instead of 'probably'. WIENER! (And hopefully still my friend)
2) Point about indulging people with poor circumstances. Sheer brilliance. I love it.
3) Relatives with stupid questions - I just spent the week with M-I-L, who asked THREE times if I had decided what I was doing this year. Every time I explained that financial circumstances were tight and I would have to think hard about it. AND THE NEXT DAY SHE JUST ASKED AGAIN.
4) Wieners for Vol. 6 - people who rant wildly on other people's blogs?!?! Oops!
5) Thank God for people like Owen. Gotta disagree with you there - that software has saved me from the evil of RSI. (Yes, it *does* exist)
6) By the way - tried to vote for you on the bloggies the other week - but it said it would email me a link so my vote could be verified, but the email never turned up. This may have screwed your chances of winning. Sorry.

wv: expoutud: former stout-legged midget wrestler from Albuquerque

Owen said...

Above comment was not from me... but thank you kindly stranger. The evil of RSI / OOS / MSD / CTS / CVS must be stopped!

Anonymous said...

Should add - M-I-L has just offered to pay help me financially this year. Guess that makes me the Wiener?

Anonymous said...

(and probably also for my poor editing skills)

Michelle said...

geez you're getting a lot of comments these days. You're like the Pope. (I'm sure he gets lots of Blog Comments)
Hope the fame doesn't go to your head :P

wv= pyrestsm: symptoms that present themselves in the form of a murderous rampage when YOUR NEIGHBOURS WON'T TURN THEIR F'ING MUSIC DOWN. *cough* ahem, sorry about that.

Posie Patchwork said...

Aggree, ditto, spot on. I do correct children on prounciation, hell yeah. I correct other people's children, especially past participles. If any of those words are spelt incorrectly, bite me, i have 2 science degress, not ones based on grammar or spelling, which unlike science, can't be wiggle underlined on computers. Oh, that was a bit Weinerish.
You forgot the MOST annoying "nothink" GOD that annoys me, how hard is it to say N O T H I N G?? Exactly, they should say nothing as they are no-thinkers. Love Posie

otherworldlyone said...

They just keep getting better.

Yes, I read Mayer first. I saw his shirtless picture on that magazine the other day in line at the grocery store. I honestly don't know what all these women see in him. His insolent face makes me want to punch something.

Women who play who's fattest: I have two coworkers that do this all the time. They get mad when I don't participate. Coworker: "I can't seem to lose any weight! Look at my stomach!" Me: "You just ate an entire bag of Oreos." Coworker: "Yes but I didn't eat breakfast." Me: "You could always vomit."

What is it with relatives and the lesbian thing? Geeze.

I guess I'm a wiener because I love saying "this is awkward". I like awkward.

IT IS ALLY said...

Andrea - Verily, we are all subject to wienerdom.

uglygirl - What about the photographer? He obviously thought it was amusing. Fine him.

Holly - This very computer has health & safety software! I have disabled it.

Mrs L - you are exactly right! However, I am notoriously easy to confuse when it comes to timezones.

brittany - we should start a petition to not fine the A, S, and S. "Clear the ASS," we could call it.


chris - Why Vienna?


Darnielle - wow. That is awful.


Anon - awesome comment! "Nusic" is super annoying. Will forgive you about the Bloggies. (Did you do the word verification? I didn't for the first three times I voted.)

Owen - Pretty sure half of those things aren't even things.

Michelle - I would read the Pope's blog. Except actually probably not because it would be in Italian. I promise not to let the fame go to my - excuse me, did I SAY you could comment? Security!

Posie - Yay! I like pronunciation vigilantes.

ow1 - Yeah, I don't know why people get so annoyed when you don't play Who's Fattest. Maybe it makes them awkward? You should come to my work for a day. It would be awesome. Worldviews would be shaken.

chris.dadness said...

Have a look here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wiener

Its worth it just to learn about the "Norbert Wiener Award for Social and Professional Responsibility"

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

It does seem harsh to label your grandmother a wiener but I would also like to nominate mine for next week. she is always having a dig at my housekeeping skills (which I have discovered are normal but not up her standards).

One eveing I had to ask where something belonged and she interjected and said "when you leave you not going to have people to tell you these things, you will need to know where things live."

What the fuck! I wont have that problem in my new house, things will live where I fucken well put them!!!

Also, I agree this is the best Wieners of the Week so far.

Hope you feel better soon

a cat of impossible colour said...

Ooh, look at all your comments!

I have nothing to add.

green ink said...

I agree, one of your best yet. And although everything makes me laugh, I could not agree more with point 5.