Wieners of the Week (Vol. 5)

Germs. Germs are wieners and I am full of them - I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with something - I am all nauseous and woozy and my temperature is all wrong. I may have to cancel some of my tour dates. Fuck you, germs. Little edit: I have had some Codral and now I feel a bit better. But when I wrote this I hadn't had any Codral and that is why it reads so damn cranky.

People who say 'birf' instead of 'birth. See also: people who say 'fumb' instead of 'thumb,' and 'fink' instead of 'think.'

Women who play Who's Fattest - "Oh, you have such thin arms, I wish my arms were as thin as yours!" "Oh, no, they're really not that thin...anyway, you have such lovely legs, my legs are so fat!" "Don't be ridiculous, I'm much fatter than you, just look at my stomach!" "OK, you win, you're much fatter than me!" (But you don't actually say the last one, because that's Rude.)
I know I've mentioned this before but they're still wieners.
In a similar vein, when donuts arrive in the office and I mention that I intend to eat one: "Oh, I wish I could eat that - well, it's ok for you, isn't it, you're thin." Madam, your fatness is nobody's fault but your own. I am not lucky to be thin, I am thin because I don't constantly shovel treats into my face-hole. It is official. You are the Fattest.

People who call their Grandparents Odd Things - Last week I did a death notice for someone whose grandchildren called him 'Boompa.' What is wrong with 'Granddad'? ("But it's so cute, when she first started saying 'Grandpa' she couldn't say it properly so now we just call him 'Boompa!!!'" What, you don't correct your children when they mispronounce things? "But it's so cute, when she first started saying 'breakfast' she couldn't say it properly so now we just call it 'fuckface!!!!'" Also, poor Boompa. You wieners.)

Having to indulge people with Poor Circumstances - This is a bit controversial but I'm pretty sure it's happened to everyone. You meet someone, they are offensive in some fashion, they leave, and you say, "Huh, I didn't really like Thomas" or "Wow, she was kind of a dick-" and then there is a Terrible Hush and someone says uncomfortably, "Ally... you do know he's had cancer, right?" or "Ally... she's been through a lot, OK?" and then you're expected to go, "Oh my God, I am so sorry, I didn't know..." and descend into an ashamed silence. Just quietly, I am curious to know when exactly having a rough childhood/having Been Through a Lot/having had a bad illness, etc. became a Get Out of Jail Free card for wienerdom. I know plenty of people who have had some pretty shitty times but are still, you know, somehow managing to not be huge douchebags. Historic Bad Times = no excuse for lasting wienerdom. (Are you listening, indigenous peoples?)

Property management companies who, when you move out of a flat, make you spend three days cleaning in order to get the flat cleaner than it was on the day it was built, then take your bond anyway because there is half a carrot on the stairs, or a spider-sized stain on the carpet. I can't really name names but it starts with J and ends with Annu. See also: starts with Q, ends with Uinovic. Do not rent from these people, bad experiences have been had.

Relatives with Stupid Questions. I don't mind questions like "So, how's the love life? Any nice boys on the scene? Or girls?" (my aunt is still slightly skeptical that I shaved my head out of boredom and not lesbianism) because everyone asks those. My Most Hated Family Question is, "So when are you going to do something with your writing?"
(If you don't see why this is wienerish, imagine that between the ages of 5 and 10 you wanted to be a vet. You are now a happy and successful business analyst, but every time you see your grandmother she asks, "When are you going to go off to vet school? You were always so good with animals, it would be such a shame to waste all that talent.") I know it's poor form to call your grandmother a wiener but...man. Just as good is, "So how's work? Have they got you writing for the paper yet?" Are you out of your minds? That is not what I do. How is your work being old? Have they got you engraving headstones yet? Sheesh. Wiener.

People who say "Well, this is awkward" - Yes. Yes, it is. Especially now that you've said that. That's why I'm desperately trying to make polite small talk. Thanks for undoing all my hard work. Why don't you finish it off by making Awkward Turtle with your hands? <(")>

Health & Safety software - When I first met my friend Owen I asked him what he did - he said he was a Software Developer and I was all "Oh how fancy, what sort of software do you develop," and he said, "Health and Safety software," and I recoiled in horror and screamed, "You... you make that thing." You know the thing - you are working happily away, maybe you have a customer on the phone, maybe you have a deadline to meet, and then bam! your screen goes blank and up pops a little text box telling you to take a break and do 5 starjumps. "Sorry," you say to your corporate client, "I'm going to have to call you back, my Health & Safety software is telling me it's time to do the Worm to the Marketing department and back."

Cypress Ridge High School admin, who suspended three students for taking part in a prank during the yearbook photo, which featured some students wearing T-shirts that spelt out 'CLASS' as part of 'CLASS OF 2010.' Unfortunately the students in charge of C and L "ran off," leaving behind what authorities described as "an offensive three-letter word." In a huge, wienerish fit of over-reaction the school fined "A," "S" and "S" $135 each, which will be used for retouching the photo.

Customers who are rewarded for bad behaviour - This happens so often. A customer will ring with a ridiculous demand ("My ad was not quite the shade of green that I thought it was going to be and I don't want to pay for it") and I will say, "We have no control over that, your ad is not free" and then they will demand to speak to management and then they will SHOUT at management and then, inevitably, management will back down and give it to them for free. And then I will look like a wiener. Sigh. Behave abominably! Get free stuff! Be a wiener!

Perez Hilton - Ew. There is something off about Perez Hilton. If he was an apple I would expect him to be over-ripe and inhabited by a worm. He is not an apple, though. He is a wiener. A wiener who worships other wieners, like...

John Mayer, King of the Wieners! Here he is, talking about finding a girlfriend (but not a famous one.)
"I think it's psychologically important to people when they're famous to be the only famous person they know. That's something you don't hear people say that they should be saying: "I want to be the only famous person in my family." I would like for fame to be my thing and graphic design to be my wife's thing [...] I'm smart enough now to only consider coupling with people who are smart, worldly, capable, and are capacious intellectually in some way."
Oh, John Mayer. Are you out of your wiener mind? Anyone who is, as you spout, 'capacious intellectually' is not going to want to couple with you.