Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Wieners of the Week


A young seal, known as a "weaner"


Everyone involved in this wee incident (headline: Train line colour 'racist'). The powers that be in Atlanta, Georgia (man, I am going to have Devil Went Down to Georgia stuck in my head for the next ten years now) renamed their train lines yellow, red, blue, and green. This sounds like a pretty solid system but sadly the yellow line went to a suburb with a high Asian population and it all went downhill from there and now it is being called the 'gold' line. Seriously, people? Do none of you have anything better to do?

Crocs - Like shoes, but for wieners. Particularly awful is when you see a child in Crocs - a child that is too small to have chosen for itself - a child that has been put in Crocs by its parents. Breaks my heart.

Drivers who don't indicate - Seriously. Is it that fucking hard? No! No, it isn't! See also: cars which just cba stopping at pedestrian crossings. Fuck's sake. Wieners.

Nickelback - I know that mentioning the shitness of Nickelback is pretty conservative as far as wiener outing goes, but it still needs to be done. There is a Facebook group called "Can this pickle get more fans that Nickelback?" and I'm pretty sure the answer is going to be Yes. Other bands that suck in the same way: Creed, who prove once and for all that 'Christian Rock' is a whopping great oxymoron, and Pearl Jam who, besides having a fucking wienerish name, cannot be forgiven for the stinking musical turd that is Last Kiss. There is nothing right about that song. And yes, I know it's a cover. That does not make it better. It's like wearing leggings as trousers - you didn't invent it, but you're still a douche. Actually, I think that's worth its own point -


Leggings as trousers (see also: Jeggings (for those of you lucky enough to not know what those are, they're tights patterned to look like jeans, and worn as trousers). I have a feeling that I might have had these in WotW before, but now American Apparel has actually
issued an in-tights warning about how not to wear them i.e. like this:

NO! THEY ARE NOT TROUSERS!


People who air their dirty laundry on the Internet, and use the actual real names of the people they're bitching about. It's bad enough to whinge about your flatmate/marriage breakup anonymously, but to actually use the real name of the other person? Good luck finding a new flat. Or husband. Or, you know, any kind of trust-based relationship. (For those of you who are going to cite my magnificent haiku as an example of this, put it back in your butt: the only people who know who I'm talking about are the people in the haiku.)

TV psychics - I can't believe these people get paid. I can't believe people watch their shows. I can't believe it's not butter. Maybe I'm just bitter than I am not a magnificent bullshitter a vessel for the spirits of the departed.

John Mayer! Wow! What a week for wienerdom! His recent Playboy interview cemented his status as King of the Wieners for ALL TIME. At the start of the interview he was asked if, if he didn't know himself, would he think he was a douchebag. He said, "It depends." One suspects that answer may have changed.

He started off the tempest of douchebaggery by talking about what it is like to be a black person, even though his expertise in this area is severely limited by not being a black person.
"It's making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that's seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you'll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude's."

In case this didn't clarify why black people love John Mayer, he continued
"I'm very...I'm V-E-R-Y. That's why black people love me."

But sadly, he is never going to be able to love them back, because...
"my dick is kind of like a white supremacist."

And then, to top it off, he said "nigger."

Seriously, John Mayer? What are you doing? Are you trying to work out how ridiculous you have to be before you actually explode?

He did apologise on his Twitter account (where else?), addressing a message to the black women of the world: "Sorry, ladies...I know you're disappointed that you don't get a go." Well. He didn't actually say that, but I'm pretty sure at this point no-one would've been surprised. What he said - in a hangdog, This Is John Mayer Being Sorry fashion - was that he shouldn't have tried to intellectualise 'the N word', and that he should "stop trying to be so raw in interviews." No shit, bucko. Maybe you should just shut up and play music OH NO WAIT THAT SUCKS TOO. Man. Someone call Guinness World Records. We have found the biggest wiener of them all.

20 comments:

a cat of impossible colour said...

I don't even know what to say about John Mayer.

...

BUT I do know what to say about people who don't indicate. I HATE YOU ALL! It is SO EASY to do, and so many people don't do it. And indicating after you've done something does not count.

"Blink blink blink I just turned left a minute ago blink blink."

I know you just turned left because I was behind you when you suddenly slowed to a crawl and then started veering off the road, coming to a near-complete stop and holding up everyone behind you before performing the slowest left-hand turn anyone has performed since records began. And THEN you indicate.

a cat of impossible colour said...

'My Dick is a White Supremacist' sounds like an awesome title for a piece of wanky conceptual installation art.

Perhaps it would be a single white tissue in the middle of an enormous empty warehouse.

Luinae said...

People who don't indicate make me so angry- and I don't even drive! Also, John Mayer is a complete and total moron.

"I almost feel like sometimes you’re deviating from what you would even write for your paper and it’s just a fascination with what’s it like to wake up and be me.”- stupidest thing he has ever said! Because I woke up this morning and thought- damn, what is it like to be John Mayer.

chris.dadness said...

I think JM is well into the Paris Hilton category now isn't he? Self-satirising self-propelling media content. Best to just look the other way. At ... Dale Begg-Smith.

Anonymous Wiener #3 said...

I wish I could say you should have known what you were in for, but yeah, you're totally right. Fuck, even *I* didn't know what you were in for.

FWIW, these days I'm trying to drop the aloof mask and let my gushing emotion show from the outset, the better to avoid such misunderstandings. It's nice that you thought I was charming and witty, though. Those I can use.

Holly said...

That warning on the leggings is AWESOME! Hahahah!

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

I want to know what you deleted, because I'm pretty sure that this blog is about me and I want to know how someone could think otherwise?????

Some people are just so self absorbed!

IT IS ALLY said...

I made a point about people who turn from interesting people into dull, simpering messes when you let them know you are interested in them! But it was much better phrased that than.

IT WAS ABOUT YOU KATHERINE

HOW DID YOU KNOW????

Anonymous Weiner #3 said...

Hey, even if it wasn't about me, it was still applicable for the purposes of my comment. You wouldn't have posted it unless it was something you'd encountered at least once, and it sounded to me like what happened when we dated. That's all.

I didn't consider it a personal attack; it was more of an insight into personality differences (because the whole focus with these posts is things that you don't personally like). It made me think about how my past behaviour was wienerish, and how I could improve on it. I just thought you might be interested to know that; I certainly don't think your world revolves around me.

IT IS ALLY said...

AW#3 - I got a nasty email about it as well, which was MORE ANNOYING than you :D

but I am glad I am providing a place for reflection on wienerdays gone by. tee hee.

a cat of impossible colour said...

Anonymous Wiener #3 also sounds like a piece of wanky conceptual installation art.

"This is my latest piece. I call it ... Anonymous Wiener #3. It is one of a series."

IT IS ALLY said...

Andrea, you should totally become a conceptual artist.

You could do a piece called "Conceptual Artist" and just stand in the middle of a room for WEEKS. I would feed you (I would be part of the installation and symbolic of government handouts.)

Anonymous Wiener #4 said...

I am totally offended by this post. Not only am I someone you dated who turned into a romantic mess, I am also one of the urban planners who renamed the Atlanta train lines and I thought it was a fantastic idea. I love wearing Crocs and make all my six children wear them as well; I never indicate (I consider it rude); I was a member of Nickelback before they became famous and still keep in close, personal contact with the group; and Last Kiss is my favourite song. In fact, it was written about someone I know, so I am doubly offended.

I am currently employed as a TV psychic and I TOTALLY have real powers.

John Mayer is my dream lover.

WHY IS YOUR BLOG A PERSONAL ATTACK ON ME?

IT IS ALLY said...

AW#4 - AHAHAHAHAHA. Marry me.

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

Well it's a long story but I was helping a TV crew solve some murder cases, and even though I knew nothing of the case I eventually figured out victim was a woman.

Its hard to describe how I knew. At first I thought it was a man but when they did not comfim this as true i got this uncomfortable feeling creeping up my spine the hair on my neck stood on end and my cheeks were flushed (it was a little like embarassment) and I knew then, it was a woman.

the beaming smiles of adoration told me I was right, they also told me I was right. This gave me the conifdence to tap into my powers.

From there I lead them to the grave. We got in a car and drove, I lead them to a what looked like a secluded area, When we arrived I knew this was the place because I felt ill (no it was not car sickness I haven't suffered from that in weeks!)

I walked directly to the spot, it had to be, because it totaly looked like somewhere you would dump a body.

I refused to leave until they dug it up. They dug until night fell and in the morning they dicovered bones. I was right!!

The police said they were just dog bones, but I knew they would never admit I was right, that they would cover up a murder just to prove me wrong.

so I took those bone and gave them a proper resting place - in my backyard.

I was cleansig the soil with crystals and just about to ring the bell that would release her sprit from this mortal coil, she cried "wait! first I have a message for you".

And that is when I found out that this post was about me.

otherworldlyone said...

This might just be the most entertaining comment section I've ever read.

"my dick is kind of like a white supremacist" ....

Holy mother of god. You would think I wouldn't be shocked by his nerve anymore...but I am.

Joff said...

"My dick is a white supremacist" can be sung along to "my body is a wonderland" quite well...

Pegasus said...

for some strange reason children like crocs even when you take them shopping for shoes and they already have a pair of crocs! They head straight to the crocs and say oh I don't have that colour! I say no you don't have that glow in the dark shade and your not likely to!

Juli Ryan said...

I am a wiener. I have been airing my dirty laundry on my blog, and I let my child wear Crocs. Look into your future, Ally. It is a scary place!

Anonymous said...

I was in a HEADS OF AGREEMENT (aka very important meeting in involving lots of money) this week (as an observer that speaks - no pressure) and everytime this guy on the other side of the discussion opened his flapping negative mouth, I heard "wiener!" over and over again.

Helped a great deal, meant I sat there politely smiling at him instead of lunging across the table to stab him in his temple with my pen.

Thanks for helping me through that difficult time.