Friday, March 05, 2010

Wieners of the Week!

Disaster tourists - Following last weekend's earthquake in Chile, we had a nationwide tsunami warning which, as well as giving our barely-used Civil Defence department a huge boner ("Kevin! Get the klaxon! Oh my God, get the klaxon!!") brought out those whose wienerdom shows in times of strife - disaster tourists. Civil Defence cried, "Get off the beaches! Get off the beaches!" Most of the people who lived near the beaches went to higher ground (don't worry, there wasn't actually a tsunami*, everyone is fine) and were completely cancelled out, Civil Defence-wise, by the people who flocked to the beach to have a look at the tsunami. What is wrong with people? You will drown! For fuck's sake. Wieners. Some of them even took their children, presumably so that they could all die together as a family also get a good look at the interesting tsunami. "Quick, kids, get into the car! That mass murderer's escaped! I bet we could find him!"

*I find this word extremely difficult to pronounce and have to constantly remind myself that it rhymes with 'salami' and is not "suuu-nah-MY."

The NZ bar owner who decided it would be a good idea to serve goldfish shots to his patrons. Not goldfish as in 'how nice, a twist of orange peel in whatever that blue liqueur is called'* but goldfish as in 'there is an actual goldfish in my drink and it is alive.' The bar owner said that, while personally he thought it was 'distasteful,' it wasn't cruel because the fish was swallowed whole so it can die in agony in your stomach acid, rather than be chomped by your mighty jaws. There was a public outcry and he called off the promotion, but he's still a wiener.

*note to self/rival bars in area: investigate this further, it sounds marketable

Like this, but with tequila.

Also - and this is very much secondary to the plight of the goldfish, but still a valid point - taking the names of shots literally is a slippery slope. A man walks into a bar and it is pandemonium:
"Oh my God is that a zombie?"
"Harvey! Get away from that wall!"
"I said no! I said no!" "THIS IS WHAT YOU ORDERED BITCH"
"Excuse me, bartender...what is this cowboy doing?"

People who use 'literally' wrong - I was literally in the middle of dinner. It was literally Tuesday. This is literally retarded. You should literally not do it.

Bret Michaels - I don't care how much you liked Poison. Have you seen Rock of Love? Or Rock of Love 2? Or Rock of Love Bus? Or Rock of These Women are All Skanky and Also Bret Michaels you are Unattractive? That's my favourite one.

"Chrystelle, you're a beautiful pair of breasts, but I can't be with you. I'm a wiener."

See also: Flava Flav, and Flavor of Love. These people are douchebags.

"Women sleep with me even though I look like the lovechild of a bloodhound and a poo."

Human Interest News - I don't really care if one of the firemen in Smalltown Village has now been on the force for 50 years, and attended three fires at his own house during that time. I also don't care if a dairy has started stocking chickens in string bags after plastic bags dripped on the floor by the chiller. I also don't care if a sportsperson who represented NZ in one game 40 years ago got ticketed for parking illegally. I made up all of those but they could all be true. While I'm on the subject of newsreaders - stop trying to be likable! Stop making puns (I'm looking at you, TV3)! Stop making little good-humoured digs at the sports guy! I do not watch the news to see you flirt with your co-host. Actually I don't watch the news at all but if I did, it would be to, you know, find out what the news was.

People who can't drive their shopping trolley - It worries me that people who are unable to not take up the whole tinned goods aisle are allowed to go through the checkout and climb into an SUV. See also: people who, while rolling through produce, see their neighbour! Who they haven't seen since, oh, last Tuesday, which was just before Timmy's piano recital - how did that go? Oh, well, I suppose at that age it's hard to keep focused on your practice, isn't it. Are you going to that BBQ at Melanie's next week? I AM STANDING BEHIND YOU TRYING TO GET TO THE BANANAS OH MY GOD.

John Mayer, King of the Wieners, hasn't said anything outstandingly offensive this week , just the usual nonsensical douchebaggery - "I have the obsessiveness of someone who's a sober, recovering addict displacing his addiction, except I never had the addiction."

On which note, I have decided that unless JM does something new to add to his extensive catalogue of wienerdom, he is going to be retired from Wiener of the Week - I tire of him. He is becoming passe. But it's been real, John.

Coming soon: John Mayer's Whiny Soft-Rock of Love.


apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

you can retire him, but being a media whore with verbal diarrhea means he WILL do something to earn a place back on this post.

IT IS ALLY said...

That is SUCH a good point.

Owen said...

holy piss i *literally* had a mouthful of coke and spat it out after reading only the FIRST SENTENCE of this WotW. So help me, I pray there is NO END to wienerdom.

a cat of impossible colour said...

I literally died laughing.

chris.dadness said...

Oh you New Zealanders, with your chickens in the dairy and all.

Joff said...

We have to laugh at the sports presenter guy. They're like special needs class of news presenters

Vanilla said...

People flocking to see the tidal wave (not using tsunami as I am pro-whale), I say don’t mess with personal freedom; just lay on buses so more can join them. It will just swing the statistics in favour of Darwinism.

The best bit was the family expressing disappointment that there wasn’t a wave of Hollywood dimensions and the woman who said that it was ok because she had flippers.

Bar owners eh? I say let them continue with their stupid promotion but arm the goldfish. If I was a goldfish I would grab a tonsil on the way down and fin on for all I’m worth. If I have to go I’m taking some redneck with me.

I think your gone one step into crazy land if you think that the gentlemen known as Brett Michaels and Flava Flav are nothing sort of geniuses. Literally.

What a way to regenerate a career, televised woo-ing of Mensa candidates.

Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

That’ll do JM, That’ll do, ……..

Sarcastically yours


Posie Patchwork said...

Eewww, that is a hideous shot of John, just that hair gives me the creeps, what do women see in him, his personality or whispy girl breathy singing voice?? Man up!!
On the suunaaame . . . did you hear those morons saying "so disappointed nothing happened, i wanted to see surfers & swimmers sucked out to sea & die". Gosh, like literally, die??!!
Have a great weekend, love Posie

Anonymous said...

I kind of wish that there was a tsunami and all those people were removed from the gene pool- also called the Darwin award.

Sara interrupted said...

My uncle is a bit challenged and he is not able to call a tsunami anything other than TOO-sar-mee. Endless fun with him. He is also challenged with Methven calling it Meffen. He's not a weiner though, well not very often.

otherworldlyone said...

People who can't drive their shopping trolley - EXACTLY!

It's always the moms that do it and now that I'm *one of them*, they try to include me in their traffic jams. Luckily, I'm so rude that the same one never tries twice.

*used as loosly as possible*

JM will be back. He can't help himself.

Kim (frogpondsrock) said...

Well it isn't everyday you get to see a tsunami. It is educational.

IT IS ALLY said...

Owen and Andrea - LITERALLY??

Chris - It was an EXAMPLE. Sheesh. Although I'm not sure now whether or not we do have, uh, dairy chicken.

Joff - Good point.

Vanilla - relevance of whale? Also, someone said flippers made it ok?

Posie - death is so, like, edgy. Also, totally agree about JM. What is WRONG with people??

Luinae - But the rescue teams have to go and save them as part of their duty! I wish there was a "no saving stupid people" clause.

Sara - TOOSARME! I might just adopt that pronunciation.

ow1 - He'll totally be back. I completely imagine you would be shopping trolley Boadicea. With knives coming out of the wheels and everything.

Kim - Indeed! I don't see why they don't do class trips, actually.