Wieners of the Week!

Disaster tourists - Following last weekend's earthquake in Chile, we had a nationwide tsunami warning which, as well as giving our barely-used Civil Defence department a huge boner ("Kevin! Get the klaxon! Oh my God, get the klaxon!!") brought out those whose wienerdom shows in times of strife - disaster tourists. Civil Defence cried, "Get off the beaches! Get off the beaches!" Most of the people who lived near the beaches went to higher ground (don't worry, there wasn't actually a tsunami*, everyone is fine) and were completely cancelled out, Civil Defence-wise, by the people who flocked to the beach to have a look at the tsunami. What is wrong with people? You will drown! For fuck's sake. Wieners. Some of them even took their children, presumably so that they could all die together as a family also get a good look at the interesting tsunami. "Quick, kids, get into the car! That mass murderer's escaped! I bet we could find him!"

*I find this word extremely difficult to pronounce and have to constantly remind myself that it rhymes with 'salami' and is not "suuu-nah-MY."

The NZ bar owner who decided it would be a good idea to serve goldfish shots to his patrons. Not goldfish as in 'how nice, a twist of orange peel in whatever that blue liqueur is called'* but goldfish as in 'there is an actual goldfish in my drink and it is alive.' The bar owner said that, while personally he thought it was 'distasteful,' it wasn't cruel because the fish was swallowed whole so it can die in agony in your stomach acid, rather than be chomped by your mighty jaws. There was a public outcry and he called off the promotion, but he's still a wiener.

*note to self/rival bars in area: investigate this further, it sounds marketable

Like this, but with tequila.

Also - and this is very much secondary to the plight of the goldfish, but still a valid point - taking the names of shots literally is a slippery slope. A man walks into a bar and it is pandemonium:
"Oh my God is that a zombie?"
"HOLY SHIT IT'S A FLAMING VOLCANO"
"Harvey! Get away from that wall!"
"I said no! I said no!" "THIS IS WHAT YOU ORDERED BITCH"
"Excuse me, bartender...what is this cowboy doing?"
etc.


People who use 'literally' wrong - I was literally in the middle of dinner. It was literally Tuesday. This is literally retarded. You should literally not do it.

Bret Michaels - I don't care how much you liked Poison. Have you seen Rock of Love? Or Rock of Love 2? Or Rock of Love Bus? Or Rock of These Women are All Skanky and Also Bret Michaels you are Unattractive? That's my favourite one.

"Chrystelle, you're a beautiful pair of breasts, but I can't be with you. I'm a wiener."

See also: Flava Flav, and Flavor of Love. These people are douchebags.

"Women sleep with me even though I look like the lovechild of a bloodhound and a poo."

Human Interest News - I don't really care if one of the firemen in Smalltown Village has now been on the force for 50 years, and attended three fires at his own house during that time. I also don't care if a dairy has started stocking chickens in string bags after plastic bags dripped on the floor by the chiller. I also don't care if a sportsperson who represented NZ in one game 40 years ago got ticketed for parking illegally. I made up all of those but they could all be true. While I'm on the subject of newsreaders - stop trying to be likable! Stop making puns (I'm looking at you, TV3)! Stop making little good-humoured digs at the sports guy! I do not watch the news to see you flirt with your co-host. Actually I don't watch the news at all but if I did, it would be to, you know, find out what the news was.

People who can't drive their shopping trolley - It worries me that people who are unable to not take up the whole tinned goods aisle are allowed to go through the checkout and climb into an SUV. See also: people who, while rolling through produce, see their neighbour! Who they haven't seen since, oh, last Tuesday, which was just before Timmy's piano recital - how did that go? Oh, well, I suppose at that age it's hard to keep focused on your practice, isn't it. Are you going to that BBQ at Melanie's next week? I AM STANDING BEHIND YOU TRYING TO GET TO THE BANANAS OH MY GOD.

John Mayer, King of the Wieners, hasn't said anything outstandingly offensive this week , just the usual nonsensical douchebaggery - "I have the obsessiveness of someone who's a sober, recovering addict displacing his addiction, except I never had the addiction."

On which note, I have decided that unless JM does something new to add to his extensive catalogue of wienerdom, he is going to be retired from Wiener of the Week - I tire of him. He is becoming passe. But it's been real, John.

Coming soon: John Mayer's Whiny Soft-Rock of Love.