Wieners of the Week

Yeah, it's a couple of days early. Maybe I'm a wiener too.

People who hate the police - Not career criminals or people who've had a nasty cop-related run in, they're welcome to hate on the police as much as they want - I'm talking about middle-class white suburban kids like me, who have never fallen foul of the law* but sneer and say "fuck the pigs" whenever the opportunity arises, because for some reason they've decided that's the trendy badass thing to do. First of all, bestiality is never cool (see also: eel porn) but also, didn't hating the cops stop being cool about 20 years ago? Yes, there's a lot in the media about how the police force is far from perfect and yes, there are some awful cops, but that's a terribly nearsighted reason to hate anyone in a uniform. I like and admire the po-po, the un-newsworthy majority of whom are good people doing a shitty job and trying to make a positive difference, and I get annoyed when some self-centred douchebag at a party starts going on about how much he hates the cops. Suggestion: we should set up a register (possibly called the Pig-Fucking-List), and then when someone who 'hates the cops' get mugged/burgled/mangled/maimed the first officer on the scene can give them the once-over and say, "Back to the station, boys, this one's on the list." Wieners.

*except that one time in Blenheim, but it was OK because the officer played the tuba in my band

Unicyclists - People who can ride a unicycle are impressive. People who use a unicycle as their main form of transport are wieners. It is a novelty vehicle. Enough said.

Ill-suited bohemians - It's nice that you are trying to be enigmatic, but one day you are going to have to realise that actually you are far better suited to being a mid-level executive than a haunted artiste. All the bad peacenik poetry, long periods of silence at parties, and self-felted berets* in the world are not going to change the fact that in order to be a tortured artist you do really need to be a) tortured or b) artistic.

*Fraser, this is not a direct attack, your beret is very nice

Destructivists - Activists who destroy things (and are wieners). Current example is the three men who slashed a hole in the Waihopai Satellite Domes because these domes help the US spy on poor old everyone else, and also because they were slashing the domes "for Jesus" (he hates spies.) They caused over $1m worth of damage and are apparently totally cool with that and more than a little proud of themselves. What, you couldn't write a letter to the paper? I'll happily admit that there are times when destroying things that don't belong to you in the name of justice is the appropriate course of action (offhand I can't think of any examples not involving Batman but I'm sure there are some). But this really isn't one of them. I think my point is that gettin' off on breaking other people's things in the name of your cause is wienerish, unless it's a really good cause. If there was a way to end war or cure cancer by breaking stuff that would be A-OK but oh, you don't like the satellite station? Write to the fucking council before you get your sickles out and slice a hole in the damn thing.

Condescending IT support staff - When you go to the supermarket, does the butcher treat you like an idiot because you can't cut your own chops? No. When you need someone in Accounts to send out an invoice, do they talk to you like you're a backwards five-year-old because you had to ask them? No. When your mother dies, does the undertaker talk down to you because you don't know how to organise the funeral yourself? No. Because the butcher and the accountant and the undertaker know that none of these things are your job. And neither is IT expertise. I'm not meant to know how to fix my computer, that's one of the reasons why we have an IT Support team. So, IT wiener, until you know how to do my job, please stop acting like a retard because I can't do by myself the thing you are employed to do for me. See also: hairdressers who are rude about your hair. Yes, my hair looks like shit. That's why I'm at the hairdresser. You wiener.

Fancy titles for not-so-fancy jobs - Sandwich Artist is the king of these, but see also Nail Technician and Junior Stylist. What's next? In-flight comfort assessment technician? Fast food development co-ordinator? Sidewalk entrepreneur?

Nick Jonas - He wants to be the US President. He said as much in the media, and people are pretty sure he's not kidding. The problem is that he is one of the Jonas Brothers. I mean, I'm not one to trample on dreams, but he's got to be a wiener. (Not a wiener, though, is anyone who uses the acronym for the President of the United States, POTUS. I'm pretty sure if I were POTUS I'd just get everyone to call me that. "POTUS? POTUS, where are you?" "POTUS is in the Oval Office. POTUS is making a policy." Also, if I were POTUS I'd totally talk in the third person. POTUS POTUS POTUS. POTUS has a lotus. If I was POTUS I would have a lotus garden and become known as the Lotus POTUS. But I am not the POTUS.)