Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Wieners of the Week

Yeah, it's a couple of days early. Maybe I'm a wiener too.

People who hate the police - Not career criminals or people who've had a nasty cop-related run in, they're welcome to hate on the police as much as they want - I'm talking about middle-class white suburban kids like me, who have never fallen foul of the law* but sneer and say "fuck the pigs" whenever the opportunity arises, because for some reason they've decided that's the trendy badass thing to do. First of all, bestiality is never cool (see also: eel porn) but also, didn't hating the cops stop being cool about 20 years ago? Yes, there's a lot in the media about how the police force is far from perfect and yes, there are some awful cops, but that's a terribly nearsighted reason to hate anyone in a uniform. I like and admire the po-po, the un-newsworthy majority of whom are good people doing a shitty job and trying to make a positive difference, and I get annoyed when some self-centred douchebag at a party starts going on about how much he hates the cops. Suggestion: we should set up a register (possibly called the Pig-Fucking-List), and then when someone who 'hates the cops' get mugged/burgled/mangled/maimed the first officer on the scene can give them the once-over and say, "Back to the station, boys, this one's on the list." Wieners.

*except that one time in Blenheim, but it was OK because the officer played the tuba in my band

Unicyclists - People who can ride a unicycle are impressive. People who use a unicycle as their main form of transport are wieners. It is a novelty vehicle. Enough said.

Ill-suited bohemians - It's nice that you are trying to be enigmatic, but one day you are going to have to realise that actually you are far better suited to being a mid-level executive than a haunted artiste. All the bad peacenik poetry, long periods of silence at parties, and self-felted berets* in the world are not going to change the fact that in order to be a tortured artist you do really need to be a) tortured or b) artistic.

*Fraser, this is not a direct attack, your beret is very nice

Destructivists - Activists who destroy things (and are wieners). Current example is the three men who slashed a hole in the Waihopai Satellite Domes because these domes help the US spy on poor old everyone else, and also because they were slashing the domes "for Jesus" (he hates spies.) They caused over $1m worth of damage and are apparently totally cool with that and more than a little proud of themselves. What, you couldn't write a letter to the paper? I'll happily admit that there are times when destroying things that don't belong to you in the name of justice is the appropriate course of action (offhand I can't think of any examples not involving Batman but I'm sure there are some). But this really isn't one of them. I think my point is that gettin' off on breaking other people's things in the name of your cause is wienerish, unless it's a really good cause. If there was a way to end war or cure cancer by breaking stuff that would be A-OK but oh, you don't like the satellite station? Write to the fucking council before you get your sickles out and slice a hole in the damn thing.

Condescending IT support staff
- When you go to the supermarket, does the butcher treat you like an idiot because you can't cut your own chops? No. When you need someone in Accounts to send out an invoice, do they talk to you like you're a backwards five-year-old because you had to ask them? No. When your mother dies, does the undertaker talk down to you because you don't know how to organise the funeral yourself? No. Because the butcher and the accountant and the undertaker know that none of these things are your job. And neither is IT expertise. I'm not meant to know how to fix my computer, that's one of the reasons why we have an IT Support team. So, IT wiener, until you know how to do my job, please stop acting like a retard because I can't do by myself the thing you are employed to do for me. See also: hairdressers who are rude about your hair. Yes, my hair looks like shit. That's why I'm at the hairdresser. You wiener.

Fancy titles for not-so-fancy jobs - Sandwich Artist is the king of these, but see also Nail Technician and Junior Stylist. What's next? In-flight comfort assessment technician? Fast food development co-ordinator? Sidewalk entrepreneur?

Nick Jonas - He wants to be the US President. He said as much in the media, and people are pretty sure he's not kidding. The problem is that he is one of the Jonas Brothers. I mean, I'm not one to trample on dreams, but he's got to be a wiener. (Not a wiener, though, is anyone who uses the acronym for the President of the United States, POTUS. I'm pretty sure if I were POTUS I'd just get everyone to call me that. "POTUS? POTUS, where are you?" "POTUS is in the Oval Office. POTUS is making a policy." Also, if I were POTUS I'd totally talk in the third person. POTUS POTUS POTUS. POTUS has a lotus. If I was POTUS I would have a lotus garden and become known as the Lotus POTUS. But I am not the POTUS.)


a cat of impossible colour said...

The POTUS potentate!

I'm so with you on people hating the police. It bugs me too. People don't realise how lucky they are to have a decent police force. In Zimbabwe, our police were worse than the criminals.

And I am disappointed that that was not a direct attack on Fraser. I am going to pretend that it is.

Anonymous said...

I was totally ready to take it personally, too. It was going to be awesome.

(N.B. If I ever turn into a mid-level executive, you have my permission to bludgeon me to death with my own briefcase.)

Joff said...

Ally is the cop love just a product of you going all gooey for a man-in-uniform??

Also, *massive chuckle* about the unicycle thing. I had a friend who bought one entirely with 5c pieces. Yep.

vw: pring - the sound made by a unicyclist when they crash into a wall of bells

Michelle said...

this is good stuff. totally with you on (almost) all of these. (-don't know anything about Jonas brothers, so haven't yet formed opinions on their POTUS-uitability)

Good to see this isn't a personal attack on Fraser - he'd probably cry and write haunted artiste poetry.*

* also not a personal attack on Fraser, hehe

Have to go and eat or my irritable bowel syndrome will upset me. If you ever want to know, you can ask - but it is a syndrome about bowels, so be warned.

wv. 'sicalm': said with rapidity, and an australian accent, to your dog, rex, when you see any of this week's weiners - 'sicalm, rex'

apple cheeked, potato shaped girl said...

This post blends well with my day -
I had to run up and down hills and and several flights of stairs, in heels because some wiener decided to ram through the front doors of the Hamilton police station.

What a dick - no chance of escape and they are the only people who are injured (they stopped inches from one person) stupid stupid stupid.

we should refuse them medical treatment on the basis that they are to dumb to live.

I did get a cool pic.... which I accidentally deleted :-(

otherworldlyone said...

If I had a dime for every time I heard some stuffed shirt, loafer wearing jackoff say "fuck the po po", I'd buy something really expensive to hit them with. You're right. It's ridiculous.

The IT thing! WHY do those people act so superior? It's just one of those professions. Like vagina doctors. Always superior.

Jane said...

Are people who use the word "copacetic" in everyday conversation wieners? My coworker just did, and I can't tell if it's because he is just naturally a wiener (which he is), or if it's the word's fault.

Oh but now I looked up "copacetic" to make sure I spelled it right and it turns out it might be a weird American thing that we made up?

In any case, if Bojangles Robinson made it up, then my coworker is super-wiener for using it, because he is a goofy-looking gangly white guy with glasses, not a famous black tap-dancer.

Baglady said...

Can I add bosses to next week's wiener list please?

POTUS. Ah. If POTUS poohs and it doesn't flush properly does he leave floaters?

wv = reses. A type of monkey that only spells phonetically. And maybe has a peanut middle.

chris.dadness said...

Great rant - I like how at the end it was like you had forgotten you were actually typing your thoughts as they occurred to you. Maybe you did. I think in the sixties people took peyote to achieve that, then wrote novels like Naked Lunch.

Jane said...

Shoot, and I thought it was just OUR IT guy that was a condescending shite. I didn't realize it went with the job. I figure they're the type that prefer the reality world of video games etc, and just can't deal with us peons in the real world... weiners.