Reality TV II

This is not a super-decent post as a) tired because work and b) dealing with deep psychological distress caused by Cat/Yusuf Stevens/Islam announcing Christchurch concert, this is worse than John Mayer and c) just came back from a heavy loss at pub quiz (although I gained us a point by knowing the correct spelling of 'flatulence.')

Anyway, here is a list of things that I think would make pretty good reality TV shows. Kind of accidentally, it's Reality TV Week here at whatever this blog is called (because I wrote a story about reality TV and now I need a FORUM and you guys are the forum, fuck you are lucky, one day people will pay to have me talk at them* (because I pay someone else to pay them to pay me. This is after I have married rich. But it turns out that actually I'm going to have to marry rich selectively because the last financially sound person who was interested in me turned out to be a creepy stalker type and so now I gotta be picky because being rich probably isn't as much fun when you're waiting for the spousal abuse to set in.))

*"When did you get the idea of making people pay to read your blog?"
"Well, it started when PLEASE INSERT $35.00 TO CONTINUE"
- email from Dad

Also, Mum is teaching Thai students at the moment and one of them is called Porn and another one is called Mint and another one is called Jam and am I a racist for finding this amusing? Probably. Mint Porn Jam would be a good name for something, like a condiment.

ANYWAY here is the list of things that would make good TV. Medical Emergency is my favourite but if you have a different favourite that is totally ok as well, because we're all individuals, blah fucking blah blah.

SHOWZ (almost can't be bothered with the list now):

Medication Island - Show format is pretty similar to Survivor, except that half the contestants have just come off anti-psychotics. Or maybe all the contestants. Or maybe just half, and the rest are celebrities, who don't know in advance. People love celebrities.

Secret Vegan - See how a Vegan copes with everyday life situations, like trying to get a soy latte in dairy farming country. Worst. Show. Ever.

Live Like Animals - In which contestants get dumped in the bush with no clothes or food. Like Naked Survivor. Actually Naked Survivor is a much better title. (Airs after 10pm.) Also features a bunch of Zulu warriors, most of whom are out-of-work actors, who come in from time to time and torture the contestants in sexy ways, because you might as well make the most of that post-10pm slot. At the end of each episode the Zulu chief decides who gets voted off and then snuffs out their torch with his nuts.*

*unrelated: how much would you be prepared to bet that I couldn't sneak a pair of truck nuts onto the work car?

Medical Emergency - This is kind of like Top Chef, but for health professionals! (I know! Isn't it a wizard idea?) The show starts with 14 contestants (a surgeon, a paramedic, a psychiatrist, a naturopath, a faith healer...) and every week they are each presented with a Medical Emergency! and have to use their individual skills to save the patient's life. And then whoever was least useful is eliminated by Chief Surgeon Gordon Ramsay. There is the occasional death but that's showbiz.

Queer Eye for the Secretly Also Queer Guy - But by the end of the show it isn't a secret any more, just a big surprise for his fiancee.

Pimp My 'Ho - Xzibit picks up raddled old hookers, sets them up on dates with younger men*, takes them to the races and generally tries to pass them off as society ladies. This century's Pygmalion, but a lot worse than actual Pygmalion because of Xzibit and all the 'hos. Also Xzibit is a stupid way of spelling anything, especially yourself. But not as bad as Chamillionaire. What the hell is wrong with Chamillionaire? That is an actual serious question. Or maybe it's just another reality TV show.

*YO DAWG I HEARD YOU LIKE ANIMAL PRINT SO I PUT SOME ANIMAL PRINT ON YO' DRESS SO YOU CAN BE A LEOPARD WHILE YOU BE A COUGAR what an awful meme


What the Hell is Wrong with Chamillionaire? See above.

Oh my God, Big Brother?!? This is exactly like regular Big Brother but everyone in the house is related and doesn't know it, which gets pretty awkward when they start hooking up. Family connections are not revealed until at least one couple has passed second base.

Spunk'd - Like Punk'd, but, ewwww.

David Hasselhoff's Vomathon - After you gorge yourself on potato and gravy, the Hoff presents while you vomit into a bucket with dollar amounts marked on the side. It's simple: the more you vomit, the more cash you win. Tagline: Barf Yourself Rich!!

Amish in the City - This was an actual reality TV show, but I wish I had made it up.